Figure of Speech (Halle Shifters)

by Bell, Dana Marie

  He failed miserably. “It’s for breast cancer?”

  Glory put her hands on her hips. “Why was that phrased as a question?”

  “Because he’s in jeopardy!” Chloe crowed, ducking when Ryan took a swing at her.

  “Traitor.” Ryan stuck his tongue out at her before turning back to his mate. “Now, Glory, you know I only touch your koozies these days.”

  “Ass. Hole.” Glory picked up the boobie koozie and threw it at Ryan.

  Alex strode out of Chloe’s bedroom, a huge box in his arms. “Where do you want this?”

  “What’s in bit?” Chloe tilted her head, trying to read Alex’s chicken scrawl.

  “Girl stuff.” He shrugged as if the box weighed nothing.

  “Ah. Put it by the door.” It was more than likely stuff she’d need sooner rather than later. If Jim had his way she’d already be living under his roof, but she had years of living in this apartment to pack away. There was no way it was going to take less than a week to pack everything up.

  Hell, if her family had their way she’d have been at Jim’s before the end of last weekend. They wanted to know the Wolf was guarding her door night and day and that Jim was with her when they couldn’t be. While that hadn’t happened so far, even her parents were pushing her to move in with her mate.

  “What do you think? Should we pack the boobie koozie or not?” Tabby waved it around, horrifying Ryan. “I mean, we wouldn’t want Ryan to go without while he sleeps on the couch. Again.”

  “I hate you all.” Ryan grabbed the koozie and threw it in the trash. “Thanks a lot, pal.”

  “Anytime, Ryan. Anytime.” Tabby patted him on the arm. “Speaking of hate, how come y’all didn’t beat the shit out of Jimmy-boy yet?”

  Alex and Ryan exchanged a glance that set all of Chloe’s senses on alert. “You didn’t.”

  “We didn’t.” Alex grimaced. “We planned on it, but we didn’t.”

  “Yeah. Although we did threaten his balls if he hurt you.” Ryan grinned. “Good times.”

  “I still want to know why you have so many koozies.” Tabby put her can of soda into one that Chloe had gotten at school.

  “You threatened to beat up Jim?” Chloe crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Ryan and Alex.

  “Are you having frat parties and not inviting me?” Tabby sipped her caffeine-free soda.

  “Yes, Tabby. It’s all orgies, boobie koozies and Dorito breath twenty-four/seven around here,” Chloe deadpanned.

  “Hah! I knew it.” Tabby picked the boob koozie out of the trash and squished one of the boobs. “You know, I think these are fake.”

  Alex smiled at his mate, the expression so sappy Chloe gagged. “I—”

  Whatever her cousin was going to say was interrupted by the doorbell. “I’ve got it.” Chloe opened the door without looking through the peephole first, earning herself some growls from her relatives. It didn’t matter, though, as Chloe knew who was on the other side. “Hey, Jim.”

  “Hello, sweetheart.” Jim kissed her softly and entered her apartment. “How’s the packing going?”

  “Good. We’re almond done.”

  Jim froze, his head tilted as he stared at Tabby. “Chloe?”

  “Hmm?”

  He had the most adorable look of confusion on his face as he asked, “Why is she squeezing a koozie boob?”

  “Don’t ask me, ask her.” Chloe pushed past her mate. “Ryan, have you seen my elephant?”

  Jim’s gaze slowly panned to her. “Elephant?”

  “It’s not an elephant, it’s Jabba the Hutt with the world’s ugliest erection.” Ryan shuddered. “And it’s in the box over there.”

  Chloe snarled. “The one marked trash?”

  Ryan nodded vigorously. “Don’t let her take it, man. Don’t let her take it.”

  Chloe lifted her elephant out of the trash bin and cooed. “Hello, little fella.”

  “Little fella?” Jim’s eyes went wide. “Holy fuck, it does look like an erect Jabba.” Jim tilted his head, his lips quirking into a small smile. “I never thought of Jabba getting a chubby before.”

  “It’s not Jabba, it’s an elephant.” Chloe’d had this argument before. “See the ears?”

  It was like she hadn’t spoken at all, because Jim decided to give them an education on penile placement in the animal world. “Anatomically speaking there are a number of species here on earth that have a penis on their face, like the land snail. There’s also a fish in Asia with a penis under its chin.”

  Ryan and Alex shared a horrified look. “So Jabba puts his face near your crotch?” Alex shivered. “No wonder he liked licking Leia so much.”

  “Was he licking her, or was he…?” Jim waggled his brows.

  Alex gagged. “That is so wrong.”

  “Gives the term giving head a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?”

  Ryan widened his eyes. “Hell no. Jabba ain’t licking my face.”

  “Or having sex with it?” Jim reached out and poked the elephant’s trunk, ignoring Chloe’s low growl.

  “Face sex with Jabba the Hutt.” Alex choked. “No. Way.”

  “He could like butt sex. That’s how sea pigs do it.” Jim stared at the elephant as his grin grew wider. “Think Hutt butt sex. With a love dart.”

  Ryan and Alex both covered their behinds, no doubt protecting their virginity from her ceramic elephant. “Love dart?” Alex looked ready to smash her elephant to bits, possibly looking for a “love dart.”

  Ryan backed up until his butt was against the wall. “I tell you, Jimmy, I’m protecting your ass here.”

  “Yeah. Don’t allow that thing in your house.” Alex put his rear against the wall right next to Ryan’s. “It’s evil.”

  “Evil in the I-want-to-make-with-the-Hutt-butt-sex way.” Ryan gagged.

  Glory came into the room and stopped dead at the sight of Chloe’s elephant. “What is that? It looks like a mutated blob fish with a penis on its head.”

  “It does not.” Chloe glared at Glory, cradling her elephant to her chest. “They don’t mean it, you poor baby, you.”

  “Yes. Yes, we do.” Ryan made the sign of the cross with his fingers. “Keep that thing away from me.”

  “It can’t be that ba— Jesus Christ on a pogo stick!” Tabby, who’d waddled from behind Glory to get a better look at the statue, reared back in shock. “Someone stuck a penis on intestines.”

  The room erupted in laughter as Tabby stared in horror at Chloe’s beloved elephant. “Jim.”

  He cleared his throat. “Your blob penis is lovely, Chloe. I know just where to put it in our new house.”

  “Under six feet of concrete?” Ryan muttered.

  “Sprinkled with holy water?” Alex added.

  “It’s not that bad.” Chloe stroked her elephant. “Shh. It’s all right. No one will hurt you.”

  Tabby took a step back. “It’s like watching a Stephen King novel come to life. Next thing you know it will be whispering to her in the darkness about it’s the only thing in the world that loves her and she needs to move to Maine or something.”

  “I feel sorry for people who live in Maine.” Glory plopped down on Chloe’s sofa. “Killer clowns, aliens in the woods, ancient wizards…” Glory smiled. “You know, now that I think about it, it sounds kind of interesting.”

  Alex turned to Ryan. “When you and your goofy mate move to Maine can you take the creepy blob with you? It would fit right in.”

  Tabby waddled over and shoved the koozie over the elephant’s trunk, then turned to the men. “Better?”

  “I think I might be scarred for life,” Ryan gagged.

  “Guh.” Alex stared in horror at the elephant. “For two whole seconds I didn’t want to touch boobs.”

  Jim, his eyes shielded behind one hand, flailed at Chloe
until he knocked the koozie off the elephant’s trunk. “Is it gone yet? Tell me it’s gone.”

  “And here I thought boobs made everything better.” Ryan still looked repulsed. “I have now learned that they do not.”

  “My whole world is spinning,” Alex muttered sadly. “I’m not sure I can survive this.”

  “If boobs no longer make things better, does that mean we’re gay?” Jim joined Ryan and Alex against the wall. “Are we going to be looking at pictures of half-naked cowboys and getting boners?”

  Just as the front door opened, Ryan yelled out, “I do not want to have Hutt face butt sex!”

  Julian turned to Cyn. “See? I told you they were here.”

  Cyn strolled into the apartment ahead of her mate. “What the hell are you all yelling about?”

  The three men pointed toward Chloe’s elephant.

  Cyn stared, her head tilted to the side. “Oh.”

  “What do you think it is?” Perhaps Chloe had one ally in her apartment. Chloe adored her elephant and wouldn’t get rid of it no matter what anyone said, even Jim.

  “A hairless proboscis monkey that died in a horrible limb-mangling accident? Maybe a naked mole rat with the world’s ugliest dildo strapped to its face?”

  “I give up.” Chloe put her elephant into the box marked Living Room, ignoring Jim’s muttered pleas to put it out of its misery.

  Julian plucked it right back out. “Wow. It looks like an aye-aye and an elephant seal had babies. Really hideous ones.”

  She snatched her elephant back. “You all suck.”

  Julian put his hand on his chest. “Hey, now. I’m not the one toting around a ceramic ball sac with ears.”

  Chloe snarled and put the elephant in the charity box. “Happy now?”

  The cheers were bad enough, but when they started dancing she decided they were all dicks. No pun intended.

  When Jim’s phone rang he stepped out of Chloe’s apartment to answer it. The volume those Foxes and Bears could put out was simply overwhelming. There was no way he’d be able to hear his call, even with his enhanced hearing.

  Without looking at the caller ID he answered, thinking it was Irene. She had the clinic today so Jim could assist in Chloe’s apartment packing. While it meant he’d have the next two Saturdays it had been worth it just to see Chloe playing with her friends. “Hello?”

  “Your father is trying to deny me alimony.”

  He sagged against the wall, cursing himself for not double-checking the caller ID. “Hello, Mother.”

  “How can he deny me alimony? I worked for that man, cleaned his home, made his meals, dealt with you, and now he doesn’t want to pay me for that?”

  Jim desperately wanted to hang up, but that would only bring a bigger rant down on his head than the one she was gearing up for. “Thanks, Mother.”

  “For?”

  He sighed. She sounded genuinely confused, as if she couldn’t understand why he’d be upset. “Nothing.”

  “Jim.” The stern tone of her voice didn’t bode well for the rest of the conversation. “You need to tell your father that he owes me.”

  He almost laughed. “I don’t talk to him anymore, remember? I haven’t spoken to him since—” Ugh. Damn it. The last thing he wanted to do was bring up Spencer, but it was too late.

  “Since you decided to visit his spawn?”

  Jim kept his mouth shut. Maybe he could put the phone on mute and rejoin his friends. She’d never know the difference, and he’d get a more peaceful afternoon.

  “Jim? Answer me!”

  Or not. “Yes, Mother.”

  “Don’t ‘yes, Mother’ me in that tone, young man. Do you know how many hours of labor I was in?”

  “Yes, Mother.”

  “I swear, you’re worse than your father. You don’t give a damn about anyone but yourself.”

  “Excuse me?” Jim practically launched himself from the wall he’d been leaning against. “I’m not the one who cheated, I’m not the one who calls their adult son to nag, and I’m not the one who’s being an ass right now.”

  “James—”

  “I’m also not the one who lied about the condition of her son’s girlfriend.” Jim was still pissed about that, but he hadn’t had time to confront her over it. “How dare you tell me she was fine just to hurt me?”

  “Oh, please. With as many women as you go through I’m surprised you remember her name.”

  He took the phone from his ear and stared at it for a moment before yelling into it, “That’s Dad!” Jim was beyond done. If any more of his mother’s vitriol spilled over onto Chloe, he’d be seriously pissed. “Listen to me, Mother. I’m done. I have listened to you rant and rave about my father, and I agreed that he shouldn’t have cheated. He shouldn’t have hidden Spencer from you.” He ignored her snarl of rage and continued. “But I’m not Dad. I didn’t cheat, I don’t owe you alimony, and I’m sick and tired of being the one you hurt because he won’t pick up his fucking phone.”

  “Jim?”

  He turned mid-rant at the sound of his mate’s voice. Just her scent calmed him. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Go back inside.”

  “Are you sure?”

  He ignored his mother yelling into the phone and focused instead on Chloe. “I’m sure.”

  “Okay. I’m here if you need me, beau.”

  “James! Is that another one of your girlfriends?”

  Jim froze at the look on Chloe’s face. She hid the pain quickly, but it was too late. She darted back into the apartment like her ass was on fire, shutting the door quietly behind her. “Mother?”

  “What?”

  “You just insulted the woman I plan on marrying. Don’t call me for a while, all right? I really don’t want to hear anything more from you.” He didn’t wait for the reply. For once, he hung up on her.

  Dammit. Things were going well with Chloe, and now his mother had to go and ruin it. He’d have to do something to get Chloe to realize she was the only one for him, but what?

  He entered the apartment to a frigid silence. Even Tabby was glaring at him, shaking her head and muttering under her breath. But the men were not glaring at him, they were talking quietly among themselves and watching their mates warily.

  Only Chloe gave him a smile, and it was a wan, weak thing compared to the earlier laughter over her ugly ceramic ball sack.

  Jim held up his phone. “My mother doesn’t know anything about my life anymore. She’s too caught up in the divorce from my dad, who cheated on her. Now she sees me either as an extension of him, or the go-between for them. She’s…” It pained him, what he was about to say next, but it was the truth. “She’s not my mom anymore. Not the one I remember, anyway.”

  “Told you.” Alex shook his head at Tabby.

  Chloe took hold of Jim’s hand. “He told me some of this earlier. She’s being a pain about Spencer too.”

  “Spencer?” Tabby’s eyes went wide. “Oh. Spencer. Sorry, Jimmy.”

  And that easily, the women returned to their normal sunny (and slightly sweaty) dispositions.

  “Anything we can do to help?” Cyn stood with her arms crossed over her chest, an Amazon ready to do battle.

  “Nah.” Jim waved her help away. “Other than making sure the B-A-L-L S-A-C never again sees the light of day.”

  Chloe smacked him on the arm before walking to the charity box. She sighed and shook her head. “Where is it?”

  He’d never seen such bad acting in his life, as each one of them denied knowing what had happened to the horrible, misshapen sculpture. But it did the job, lightening the mood once more as they finished most of Chloe’s packing.

  “How many books do you own?” Jim grunted as he picked up one particularly heavy box.

  “Textbooks.” She grimaced. “Not sure I need them anymore.”

 
“You do. I’d hold on to them until you know what courses you need to take for your vet tech certifications.” He put the box down firmly by the front door. No way was she going to chicken out of going back to school.

  She sighed happily. One of the things he admired most about his mate was her ability to bounce back quickly to her happy disposition after something had hurt her. It was a skill he wished he could master. “Good point.”

  “So.” Alex clapped his hands together. “We move Chloe’s stuff out tomorrow, after Jim is done working? Or move most of it today and get the rest of it tomorrow?”

  “I vote all of it tomorrow.” Tabby leaned against the small kitchen peninsula and rubbed her belly absently.

  “I vote we get as much done today as we can since we’re all here. Afterward, Chloe can treat us to pizza and root beer.” Ryan rubbed his hands together. “I’ll take double meat.”

  “I agree. Let’s get the majority of the boxes over to Jim’s place, eat there, then call it a day. The furniture can wait until tomorrow.” Julian hefted another box of textbooks. “We should have enough cars to make it in one go.”

  And that was how it went, climbing up and down Chloe’s stairs as they put her life into their backseats. At one point Jim decided to pull her aside. As rapidly as things were moving he wouldn’t be at all surprised to find she was freaking out a little bit. “You all right with all of this?”

  She stared at him like he’d grown a dick on his face. “I’ve been waiting for this, for you, for how long?” She grabbed his head and pulled him down for a quick, fierce kiss. “I’m so all right.”

  “Yes’m.” He licked his lips, already pulling her closer for another kiss. “Okay.”

  She giggled, but the sound became muffled as Jim gave her a scorching kiss.

  “Jim, can I talk to you for a sec?” Cyn gestured toward the bedroom, the last place to be packed.

  “Sure.” He was worried, because Cyn looked a little more serious than she had earlier. So he was surprised when she grabbed him by the ear and yanked his head down.

  “I like you, you know,” she whispered in his ear. “I think you’re good for Chloe. But if you hurt her again I’ll rip your cojones off, grill them with some garlic butter and serve them up with a side of salsa and guac. ¿Entendido?”