Falling Into the Black

by Lauren Runow

  I keep trying to look at each scene, but it’s a crazy weird feeling to watch people I don’t know have sex. So instead, I look at the people sitting by themselves. To my surprise, the expression on their faces turns me on more than the people actually having sex, so for now, I turn all my attention toward them.

  It’s the way their faces tighten around their eyes, and their lips push together just slightly that pinches my chest in anticipation. But what gets me the most is the way their bodies move just slightly enough to where someone not paying attention wouldn’t even notice, like they themselves aren’t aware they’re doing it. But Lord-almighty, it sends tingles down my body, pooling in my favorite spot.

  I think Kamii was right. I’m a little overwhelmed by this all, and the thought of sitting back only to watch tonight sounds good for the first time today.

  I’m allowed two drinks, so I order my Dirty Shirley and look around for which scene I want to take in first.

  Each one has something different going on; some with only two people, some with five or even six people. One catches my eye, and I walk toward the open side room with two men and one woman. I’ve never had a threesome, but the idea sounds perfect to break me in per se.

  As I sit down, I take in the girl wrapped in both men. All three of them are completely naked and well into the scene. The thing that stands out the most is the way both men are absolutely enthralled by the one female. They don’t look like they’re there just to get off. No. The way their hands caress her body, the way they hold on to her, providing her security while they take her to another level makes a slow burn blaze low in my belly.

  My mind starts to drift as I envision myself with these two men. I imagine what their hands would feel like on my body at the same time. Or what it would feel like to be fucked while my hands and mouth were busy on another guy’s dick.

  The thought excites me, enables me, and helps me make up my mind. I’ll wait for my first time until I can be with two men. But not any two men. These two men.

  Until then, I’ll sit here, get my fill, and possibly enter another area to take care of myself.

  Chapter Seven

  Carter

  Whack! The ball smacks hard against the bat, flying into the net before I reposition and get ready for the next ball. I swing hard, missing, and then throw my bat down in frustration. “Fuck!”

  “Dude, calm down. What’s up with you today?” Cole asks from outside the cage.

  I shake my head. “Just need to blow off some steam.”

  “Yeah, that was obvious. What happened today? ’Cause I know you blew a lot of steam last night.” He laughs.

  “Just frustrated about work.”

  “What? Is saving kids getting to you now?” he taunts.

  I sigh and drop my head. That’s what I should be doing. But with Kyle I can’t and it’s tearing me apart. Gaining my composure, I’m ready for the next ball. “If only it were that easy,” I bark out as I hit it hard.

  “Need to talk about it?”

  “There’s not much to talk about.” I stop batting and walk out of the cage before continuing. “There’s this kid who’s really sick, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.”

  “Why not? I thought you were all superhero status,” he mocks me.

  “Not on this one. He needs a bone-marrow donor, and we haven’t found a match.”

  “Then you haven’t looked hard enough,” he states like it’s that easy.

  “We’ve been searching, but no luck so far.”

  “Have you held one of those donor drive things?”

  “No, I haven’t, but companies do them all the time.”

  “If you haven’t found a match, maybe you should put your energy toward putting one together yourself instead of taking it out on the poor ball over there.”

  I drop my head, my shoulders moving up and down with my inner chuckle. Cole’s always one to make me smile when I feel there’s nothing to smile about.

  “You might be on to something.”

  “Of course I am. I’m me.”

  “Okay, that’s enough of your ego today.”

  “Nope, not even close. Watch this,” he boasts as he enters the cage. He gets ready to swing the bat and then hits it hard into the net.

  When I mentioned the donor drive to our supplier, they were more than happy to help out. We picked a day for a few weeks away, and now, I need to get the word out, so I call Cole again. After the batting cages, we put together a plan, and he called his law firm to see if they’d be interested in getting involved as well.

  “Okay, we’re all set. Can you help me with a flier, so all your information is on there correctly with the firm?” I say into the phone after he answers.

  “I’m on it. Email me the info and a picture of him so I can put it on there. We’ve already set it up with our web guy, and he’s going to blast it to everyone we know, and then I can print the flier to post it all over the campus.”

  “Right on. Hey, Cole.” I pause. “Thanks for helping out. It means a lot.”

  “You know I’m here. I got you,” he says before hanging up.

  I head to Kyle’s room to tell him the good news and get a picture. When I walk in his parents are there. “Mr. and Mrs. Bradshaw, how’s our little patient?” I ask, holding out my hand to greet them.

  “I’m not little!” Kyle bites back, making us all laugh.

  “Sorry, of course you’re not.” I hold my arms up in surrender.

  “He’s hanging in there. Been complaining of a stomach ache,” his dad speaks up.

  “Yeah, that’s a side effect of the meds we have him on. I’ll see if we can get him something for that. I came in here with some good news, though.” His parents turn their attention fully to me. These days, any good news is more than welcome, and it shows on their faces.

  “My buddy and I are putting on a donor drive to search for a match. He even got his law firm to sponsor the event.”

  “That’s amazing.” His mom walks over to hug me.

  “Let’s just hope we find someone.” I hug her back then turn to Kyle. “Till then, I think we’re due for a rematch. Let me finish my rounds, and I’ll come back for you.”

  “You got it. I’ll be here,” Kyle says with excitement in his eyes.

  “Oh, I almost forgot. Can I get a picture of you to put on the flier we’re making to hand out for the drive?”

  “Ugh, really? Do I have to?”

  “Now, Kyle, this is a really cool thing they’re doing for you. Be nice,” his mom says to him.

  “Fine. But only if you’re in it too,” Kyle says to me.

  I shrug. “That’s all I have to do? Man, I’m going to try to keep this tactic in mind for the future.”

  He gives me a don’t-try look. He’s not always the easiest patient but, for being a young kid, his courage is amazing.

  His mom holds up my camera, and I squeeze in next to him on the bed, wrapping my arm around his little body. We smile big for the picture I hope will pull on people’s heartstrings and prompt them to come get tested.

  Chapter Eight

  Evangeline

  “So…?” Kamii taunts as she greets me when I enter her office. “What did you think about last night? I didn’t see you hook up with anyone before we left. Did you take my advice?”

  I sit down, smiling at her. “I thought you were crazy when you said to watch the first time I was there, but when I walked in, I guess I was more surprised with it all than I thought I’d be.”

  “Oh yeah, I remember my first night.” Her eyes glaze over with memories of her past. “Did you see anyone you were interested in at least?”

  “Yes, two guys, actually.”

  “Two guys? Wait, were they together, with just one girl?”

  “Yeah, you know who I’m talking about?”

  She smiles brightly like she has a hidden secret but keeps it to herself, instead saying, “Well then, look at you.” She leans back in her chair. “So are you going back t
onight?”

  “No, I may like kinky things, but the whole BDSM world isn’t for me.”

  “They won’t be there anyway, so you’re in luck. They only come on Thursday and Saturday nights.”

  “Are they always together?”

  “Yup. Not with each other that way, but always them and one girl.”

  I eye her smirk before starting in. “You fucked them!”

  She goes to cover her guilty-as-sin face but reaches down instead, grabbing her stomach. “Holy schmoly!” she states in shock as she grits her teeth together tightly.

  I quickly stand up and walk around her desk where she’s hunched over. “What’s wrong?”

  She takes a few seconds to recover before inhaling a deep breath and then sits back in her chair. “I’ve been having sharp pains off and on all morning. I thought they were just Braxton Hicks but that one was different.”

  “Just relax and I’ll go get you some water.”

  I leave the room and walk to the water cooler, pouring her a cup. Before I make it back to her office, I hear her yelp in pain again, so I run to see her standing, gripping the table so hard it looks like she’s going to break it off.

  “You have to breathe, Kamii. Don’t hold it in. You’ll make it worse.”

  She shakes her head defiantly, not saying a word until the contraction has passed, and she turns her head to look at me with fear written all over her face.

  I take a deep breath, trying to calm her down with my motions. “Hun, I think you’re in labor,” I say, walking over to her desk and placing the water down.

  “I’m scared,” she whispers, squinting her eyes.

  I rub her back. “I know. You got this, girl. Let’s call Preston and get you to a hospital.”

  “Please come with me,” she begs, gripping my arm.

  Shit. This is the last thing I want to be involved in. I don’t know if I can take it. When my eyes meet hers, though, I know I can’t say no, so I don’t. Instead, I nod. Holding my breath as I stand her up, I pray to God I’m strong enough to do this.

  When we got to the hospital, Kamii begged for me to be in the room with her.

  The monitor next to the bed shows a spiked line, meaning Kamii’s contractions are hitting hard. Sweat pours down the side of her face. She’s squeezing her eyes and gritting her teeth as the spike continues to climb.

  I want to tell her the pain will fade soon, that once the baby is out it will all pass, and she’ll hardly remember the feeling, but I don’t.

  Instead, I rub her head and help her count, encouraging her to breathe until the line begins to fall, and she’s offered a brief reprieve until the next.

  The contractions are coming fast, and relief floods through me when Preston walks through the door. I try to back out of the room, but the contractions are coming fast, and the nurse stops me, saying, “Grab a leg, honey. She’s ready to push.”

  I’m stuck here, struggling with the choice of being a good friend or protecting my own heart.

  Closing my eyes, I force all my pain down. That deep ache I feel pinching low in my chest on a daily basis tries to explode like a volcano. I knew it would someday.

  I’ve kept it there for so long, and I try even harder to channel all that pain into as much support as I can give to my friend.

  It only takes fifteen minutes, and Kamii’s beautiful baby girl is born, making my tears fall even faster. When they place the little angel on her body, my knees weaken, and I have to grip the bed before I fall over.

  The tiny baby’s skin is red, and she has a big, beautiful cry. The sound is like a siren to my dreams and a memory I’ll never forget. I can’t hold the pain back anymore.

  The look on Kamii’s face as she glances down at her miracle and then up at Preston just about does me in.

  The sight of the tattoo on my wrist makes my heart ache even more. Normally I have it covered by either a bracelet or a watch, but it got in the way of holding her leg, so I removed it and put it in my pocket.

  This is all too much.

  I kiss Kamii on the head, congratulate Preston, and leave the room before I’m pushed over an edge I can’t come back from.

  When my phone rings the next day showing Kamii calling, guilt runs through my chest and bubbles in my stomach. I know I shouldn’t have left when I did, but I had to. I just hope one day she understands.

  Now my hand hovers over the decline button for the second time today, but my heart can’t do it, so I take a deep breath and bring my phone up to my ear. “How’s my newest mommy friend doing?” I ask as my voice is a dead giveaway.

  She recognizes it, and I hear her sigh into the phone. “Spill it, girl. Why’d you bail yesterday?”

  I close my eyes, fighting the burn I know is coming behind my lids, thankful she can’t see me.

  “Kamii, come on. Tell me about little Becca.”

  I can almost hear her smile, but she doesn’t let me off that easily. “Don’t dodge the subject, but she’s amazing. So tiny. So perfect.”

  “Is she nursing?”

  “Yes, but answer my question.”

  I pause, biting my lower lip to stop the trembling that I’m sure will form soon. “Kamii, can we just pretend I didn’t and move on?”

  She sighs. “Fine, as long as you get your butt down here.”

  I inhale a deep breath, filling my lungs, waiting for the sting I thought would come at the thought, but it never does.

  Maybe I can finally do this, and everything is just in my head.

  “Okay, you got a deal. I’ll be there shortly.”

  We hang up, and I lay on my bed, twirling my hair in my fingers as my head plays tricks on my heart. I’ve been able to avoid anything like this for years, but that wasn’t by coincidence.

  I have friends here in San Francisco, but I’ve been careful not to take those friendships to the next level. All of them are single, and we like to go dancing, drinking, and pick up new guys.

  Whenever a friend got serious with a guy or even got pregnant, I’d slowly fade away from their life and meet new friends at a bar or club. I don’t do it to be a bitch; I do it to protect my heart.

  Yes, it can be lonely sometimes, but it’s also uncomplicated. And hey, it keeps my world drama free. It can be nice—I always have something new to look forward to.

  The longer I lie here, the more I can feel my heart growing and actually being okay with this, even slightly excited to see my friend’s new baby.

  When I arrive at the hospital, I look around, stalling briefly to make sure the fear I was scared of overtaking me doesn’t come on by surprise. Relief fills me when none forms.

  I honestly think I can do this.

  With a renewed purpose, I take a deep breath as I walk down the hall and into Kamii’s room. The vision of her sitting with her baby, wrapped in her arms as she plays with her little finger fills me with hope, not fear.

  Tears slipping from my eyes are a welcome feeling of happiness as I walk over to see my friend’s newest miracle.

  Chapter Nine

  Carter

  For the third time, I hear pounding on my door, but just like the other two times, I ignore it. Instead, I turn the music up louder from my remote as I take my couch pillow and cover my face while lying down on my back.

  The song I have on repeat plays again, and I hear someone storm into my apartment, turning off Falling Inside the Black.

  “Man, not this shit again. How long have I known you?” Cole spits out.

  “Turn it back on,” I grunt, removing the pillow only to glare at him, daring him to say anything else about her before placing it back over my face.

  He stares at me, shaking his head in frustration. “Bro, I’m just looking out for you. It’s time to move on.”

  Move on. Fuck, if only he knew what I had, then maybe he’d get it.

  “Come on, let’s do it. Just me and you. No one’s around.” Evangeline grabs my arms, trying to convince me to strip naked.

  “That lake is freezing
,” I fight back.

  “Oh, come on. It’s not that cold.”

  “Says the girl with no balls. They’ll freeze off.”

  “Stop. No, they won’t.” She pushes back and slowly starts to pull her shirt up over her head. When it’s completely off, she steps farther away, throwing it in my direction before she slowly pulls down the jeans she’s wearing.

  A few hours ago we walked across the stage, graduating from our small high school. We were on our way to Grad Night at the school campus, but she pulled off at the lake. There was one more thing she had to do before we entered the all-night party.

  “Evangeline,” I whisper.

  “Come join me, Carter.”

  She steps out of her jeans and turns to walk toward the water, seductively pulling her panties down her legs.

  My body has a mind of its own, and my arms pull my shirt over my head as I start to walk in her direction. It’s been four months since we started dating, and just when I think she can’t push my limits anymore, she pulls something like this.

  Skinny dipping? Me?

  Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be doing this here with a girl like her. Yet, here I am. And not with any girl, but the one I’ve had a crush on since I was thirteen. And here we are about to swim naked in the lake I grew up playing around in.

  How’d I get so lucky?

  Fuck, even though I hate to admit it, he’s right. I just can’t imagine feeling that way about another girl. Every few months something reminds me of her, and I get in a funk I can’t get out of. This time it was the stupid Facebook post.

  I haven’t gotten that throwback Thursday picture out of my mind, so I messaged Kaitlyn to see if she had found her. When she said she had, I almost lost my shit. She went to her Facebook account to give me more info only to see that her account was deleted. She said the account was bare. There was no mention of where she was, and even though she accepted her friend request, she hadn’t answered any messages or posts beside their first interaction asking if it was actually her. She said yes then went silent again.