Falling Into the Black

by Lauren Runow

  “What’s up, buttercup?” she asks, bringing me from my trance. “You want to talk about something?”

  I plop down, defeated. “No. Yes.” I shake my head and rub my eyes. “I just don’t know.”

  “Don’t know what?”

  “Things. Life. Love. All of it.”

  “Whoa, that’s a change of pace for you.”

  “I know. God, I’m a mess.”

  “You’re not a mess. You’re human. So tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

  “It’s more about what’s going on in my heart,” I admit.

  “Really?” she asks, surprised. “What happened? Is this about your teacher?”

  The entire time I’ve known her I’ve been very blasé about sex and relationships. She’s heard me talk about dates I’d go on and even guys I’ve hooked up with at our office. All of it was for fun, nothing more. Now, here I am at a place where this kind of attitude is supposed to happen, and I’m all messed up.

  “So my teacher is also a lawyer with the other firm we’re working on the big case with.”

  “What? Really?”

  “Right? So, we’ve been hanging out a lot working on the case together. And.” I sigh. “I’m actually starting to like him.”

  “That’s great!” She jumps up in excitement. Well, as much as she can while still holding Becca.

  “Is it, though? I don’t know. And then last night.” I pause, not sure how to proceed.

  “Yes…” she drags out, egging me on.

  “It’s this Secret guy. There’s just something about him. Something that’s bringing back memories I’m not ready to handle.”

  “Like what?” Becca starts to fuss, and Kamii bounces her lightly in her arms before standing up, reaching to hand her to me. “Here, can you hold her while I get her diaper ready?”

  I reach out, but instantly tears fill up in my eyes as I bring her to me and memories flood my mind.

  “Push, Evangeline, Push. Just a little bit more,” the nurse calls out as she grips my leg high on my thigh, plastering them up to my chest.

  A ripping sensation burns through me as scorching pain is being pulled from my body. “I can’t. Please, I can’t.”

  “You hear me. You can. You’re almost there. You can do this.”

  I take a deep breath, gripping my thighs tightly as I push harder, stronger, longer than before, screaming out at the top of my lungs as the burning stops and relief flows through my body, knowing it’s finally over.

  Dropping back down to the bed, I take in slow, deep breaths as tears fill my eyes and overflow without any control.

  Screams of happiness fill the room as the nurse rubs a washcloth across my forehead, but I turn my head, not wanting the attention.

  “Hon.” She rubs my arm. “Do you want to meet your baby?”

  I try to curl in a ball, tears flowing with no stopping in sight as I retreat back within and shake my head.

  I hear her whisper something to the other nurse before turning her attention back to me, comforting me when there’s no way I’ll ever recover from this. I know she’s still going to try, though. Maybe she sees this kind of stuff often. Maybe she’s been in my shoes. I don’t know. All I do know is that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and even though my body is screaming in pain, my heart is ripped apart more than anything else.

  “Whoa,” Kamii says, leaning down to be eye level with me and rubbing her hand on my knee. “What are all the tears about?”

  I hand Becca back to her and stand to walk to the bathroom. I need to regroup before I say anything.

  Kamii leaves me alone for a few minutes before I hear a light tap on the door. “You okay in there, sweetie?” Kamii whispers through the door.

  “I’ll be right out,” I say, fighting my tears.

  All these years of hiding, pretending my past didn’t happen are all coming to the front at one time. That damn picture of Carter, whatever is going on between Cole and me. Now the baby…I don’t think my heart can take all these feelings squeezing their way back into my life at once.

  A minute later I walk out, taking a deep breath, ready to open my soul. “I had a baby when I was eighteen,” I admit as I round the corner back to the living room. Kamii turns around, her face showing so many questions, so I continue. “We were in love. At least I thought we were. He went away to college before I found out about the baby. I come from a small town, and he was so smart, even got a full scholarship to UCLA. He was going to be a doctor, and I knew if I told him he would have given it all up. I didn’t want us to struggle financially or to have our baby grow up without things like we both did. I was so lost,” I admit as I sit down, tears flowing freely again.

  “I finally got the nerve to tell my parents, and they were so mad at me. The one thing they always stressed was not to get pregnant. They didn’t want me to throw away my future by having a baby young. I left the house after yelling at them. I was already a mess about what to do, and I was angry they were so upset instead of being parents and supporting me when I needed them the most. They came after me, trying to chase me down. That’s when I watched a guy run a red light, barely missing me and crashing into the side of them.”

  “Angie…” Kamii places Becca down on the blanket she spread out on the floor and rushes over to my side.

  “That’s when I ran. I left my hometown, changed my name, cut everyone off, and started over with the money they had in their bank accounts and then from selling everything off that they owned.”

  “What did you do with the baby?” Kamii asked.

  Tears flow down my cheeks, and I cover my face as I admit, “I gave him up for adoption. I’m so ashamed. I didn’t have that person I loved. I didn’t even have anyone I knew by my side. I was alone. Part of me died right there on that hospital bed, and I don’t know if I’ll ever have it back.” I cover my eyes, crying even harder.

  “Oh, Angie, no, please, don’t cry.” Her arms wrap around me, holding me tightly as I cry for the last nine years that I’ve held in all of my emotions.

  Once I’ve settled, and only a few sniffles remain, Kamii pulls away from me, moving my hair from my face and trying to look me in the eyes. “You know what?”

  I look up, embarrassed by what I just admitted.

  “I remember hearing once that giving your child up for adoption is actually the most motherly thing you could possibly do.”

  I cover my face again and start bawling. How can that be possible?

  She removes my hands, making sure I’m paying attention. “You knew you couldn’t provide for that child, and you wanted him to have a better life than what you could give him. You gave him up because you loved him enough to want a better life for him. That’s very honorable of you.”

  Tears fall again as I wrap my arms around her and cry into her shoulder. “Thank you, Kamii. You have no idea what that means to me.”

  “Sweetie, I’m just sorry I didn’t know sooner. If I had known I would have been more sensitive about bringing Becca around.”

  “No, please don’t be sorry. It’s been years. I need to move on.”

  “Is that what’s happening with Maverick? What’s his real name?”

  I laugh. “It’s Cole, and yes, but it was before that too. Everything seems to be coming out all at once. First, I accepted a friend request from someone back home who figured out where I was. Then she tagged me in a photo that had my ex-boyfriend in it in one of those throwback Thursday posts.”

  “Have you talked to him?”

  Tears flow again. “No. And he doesn’t know either.”

  “Angie…” she whispers, and I can hear the disapproval in her tone.

  “I couldn’t tell him. The night my parents died I called him, and not one but two girls answered his phone. He moved on and lived across the entire country, so I didn’t think he needed to know. But now…” I pause, not sure what to say.

  “Now you’re not so sure?”

  “No,” I cry, covering my eyes
again. “But what’s the point? I’m not even sure where he is. She tagged him in the photo, and I immediately canceled my Facebook account so I wouldn’t be tempted to search for him. I don’t want to know what he’s up to or where he is.”

  Her hand reaches out to hold me, reassuring me as she says, “Yeah, you do.”

  I can’t fight the loud cries that come out as I wrap my arms around my body, holding tightly, knowing what she said is true.

  “Do you want to tell him about the baby? Is it possible he already knows?”

  “Honestly, I have no clue. I’ve cut everyone off, and until my friend found me on Facebook, I’ve had no contact with anyone from my past. She was the only person I told about that baby.”

  “So that’s why you changed your name to Angie?”

  I nod. “My real dad passed away when I was a baby. My mom remarried and changed my last name from Smith to Colette. So when I left, I changed my name back to Smith. When I was younger, I hated how long Evangeline was, and I wanted to change it to Angie, so I figured why not. There are tons of Angie Smiths, but I’d be shocked to find another Evangeline Colette, so I figured it was easier for me to hide.”

  She nods, seemingly understanding why I’ve done what I did. “Was the adoption open or closed?”

  I look down. “Open.”

  “So you know where he is?”

  I take a deep breath. “No. They’ve sent me letters, tons of them actually, but I’ve never opened one. Just knowing he’s okay is enough for me. Seeing the envelope tells me that. So I put it in the box with all the other letters and try to go on with my life.” I look up at her. “I’m just not sure if I want to anymore. Not like this anyway.”

  Her arms wrap around me again, holding me tightly as I cry even more on her shoulder. I have no clue what I’m going to do. I need to move on, but can I? And is Cole the right guy to even try a relationship with?

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Carter

  Saturday night ended on a high note, and even though I didn’t reveal myself, things were right on track for where I wanted them. Evangeline and I kissed for much longer than we should have, and when I finally pulled away Cole was gone. He didn’t say anything, didn’t try to stop us, just got dressed and left.

  I texted him when I left to see where he took off to but no reply. After he didn’t call me back this morning about playing some b-ball, I decided to go to his place to try to figure out what’s going on. When he opens the door, he’s got a beer in his hand and already looks like he’s had two drinks too many.

  “What’s going on, bro?” I ask, nodding to the beer. It’s only eleven in the morning and though I’m a fan of throwing a few back watching an early weekend football game, drinking this early alone only says one thing.

  “Nothing, bro,” he spits out.

  “Can I come in?”

  He pushes the door open, walking away not saying anything but allowing me to follow him in.

  “What happened to you last night?”

  “I was done. I got off and left.”

  “But you never leave without talking to who we were with.”

  “Well, you seemed to be taking care of that for me.” He glares at me.

  “Don’t be an ass.”

  “Then don’t hog the girl.” He downs the beer in his hand and quickly grabs for another one.

  “Are you kidding me right now? If anything, I’ve let you have more than your fair share of this girl.”

  “Fair share? She’s more than a piece of ass.”

  I’m taken aback by his comment. Something else is going on here. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I may have sex with random strangers, but I’m always respectful and never once treated a woman like a piece of ass, and he knows that.

  “She’s special. She’s different.”

  Yeah? Tell me something I don’t know, but hearing this come from him scares me. My fists clench, and I bite out through my teeth, “You don’t even know her.”

  “But, I do.”

  “What do you mean, you do?” I yell.

  He sets his beer down hard on the counter, mumbling fuck under his breath before blurting out, “She’s my student. The one I told you about. Who I took to the concert the other day.”

  Nothing but red fuels my fire, and it takes every ounce of me to stop and take a deep breath, trying to clarify what I’m hearing. “What?”

  “She also works at the law firm we partnered with on the case I’m working on, and we’ve been spending every day together.”

  “No,” I grunt out through clenched teeth.

  “I know it’s supposed to be anonymous, but fuck, man.” Cole shakes his head, looking down. “I want her. I want this. I’m going to ask her to quit the club and just be with me. I’m sitting here getting drunk trying to forget her, forget you kissing her, but I can’t. She’s infested my mind, and I’m fucking gone.”

  “No.” I stand still, trying to take in deep breaths, but my lungs are stuck shut. He can’t like her. She’s mine.

  “Fuck you, no. I can do whatever I want. I’ve gotten to know her outside of the club. I want more, and I’m going to get more. You haven’t even fucked her, so what do you care?”

  Blind rage seeps in, and I lunge at him, squeezing my hand into a fist and punching my best friend square in the jaw.

  “What the fuck, Carter?” I hear him say as he scrambles to get up. I’m bigger in size, and I haven’t been drinking, so I’m glad the stupid ass doesn’t try to get up and fight back. Instead, he watches me walk out of his place, having no clue why it took everything in my power not to kill him right then.

  After blowing off some steam at the gym, I headed to the hospital to see if I can get a rematch from Kyle, in total denial that an eleven-year-old is my only friend now it seems.

  “Are you practicing without me?” I ask as I walk in, seeing him sitting on the floor playing the game.

  He laughs, barely turning his attention away from the game. “I don’t need practice. I’ll still kick your butt.”

  I grab the extra beanbag and sit next to him, purposely knocking into him to mess him up. “Oops, sorry about that,” I say, trying to hide my laugh.

  “You know, you really do need a life,” he teases.

  “Shut it. Now hurry up and finish the game so we can get started.”

  Our game begins, but instead of playing with the same gusto he always does, his mood turns somber as he says, “My mom told me you know.”

  I try to act stupid, keeping my attention on the game. “Told you what? That you’re gonna lose and my tally on the board is taking over?”

  “No, Carter. What you told them.”

  I pause, dropping my head and the remote.

  “You could have told me, you know?”

  Knowing what this kid is up against is breaking my heart. If he doesn’t find a donor soon, I hate to think what’s going to happen. He’s become my friend, the coolest guy I know, and he’s only eleven. I turn to face him. “That’s not my place.”

  “I’m gonna die, aren’t I?”

  “Not if I have a say about it. We have another drive coming up, so don’t think like that.”

  Kyle has a rare form of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and is in need of a bone marrow transplant. Finding a match has been almost impossible, but we’re holding out hope.

  This donor drive we’re planning can’t come fast enough. I’ve spread the word to as many people I can in the City, putting fliers everywhere and talking to every doctor I knew. I can’t think that this might be his last hope because I know we’ll find someone.

  He takes a deep breath, turning back to the game. “I’m okay if I do.”

  “Okay with what?”

  “If I die. My parents always told me I was their miracle, so maybe that miracle was only meant to last for so long.”

  My heart hurts for him, and I pause the game, putting my hand on his shoulder. “Miracles are forever,” I say before reaching over and engulfing the little guy in my
arms.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Evangeline

  My Monday starts off with a bang. At the staff meeting between my firm and Cole’s, we learned that the case has been called off. Apparently, all the digging Cole and I were doing scared one of the accusers, and she came out saying the whole thing was a lie. It’s great for the client, but I must admit, I’m a little sad my first case ended this way, and now, I won’t see Cole as much throughout the day.

  In the meeting he kept his eyes turned down, never once looking in my direction. The vibe he’s giving off is nothing I’ve experienced from him at all these past few weeks. As we leave the meeting, I grab his arm, slightly pulling him toward my office.

  When I get a good look at him, his face explains why he’s acting this way. Even though everything looks perfectly in place, his lip is split open on the side, and his jaw looks slightly bruised.

  “What happened to you?” I ask.

  “Ah, nothing.” He blows it off, walking into my office with his briefcase.

  “Okay, then why don’t you tell me what’s going on with you today?” He shrugs, not willing to talk, so I ask, “Then why did you leave on Saturday night the way you did?”

  “Wait, who are we playing today? Co-workers? Professor/student? Or are we the people who’ve been fucking each other at the club?”

  His tone pisses me off, and if he’s ready for a fight, I’m more than ready to give him one. “Excuse me?” I say, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “I’m just playing by your rules. I thought when we were here, at work, we acted like we didn’t know who Maverick and, oh wait, Evangeline, are?”

  My eyes grow big, and I’m right about ready to kick him out when he sighs. “Fuck. I’m sorry. That was wrong. It’s just been a crazy couple of days.”

  “I don’t care how your days have been. What gives you the right to step into my office and talk to me that way?”