by Lauren Runow
It’s so stupid that something so small could mean so much, but it does. Maybe we haven’t changed as much as I thought.
I grab two plates out of the cupboard along with some forks and knives when the size of these things catches my attention. “There’s no way I can eat all of that,” I exclaim as I motion to the monstrosity he just set on my plate.
“Then good, you’ll have leftovers for tomorrow. Where should we sit?”
I motion to the nook that holds a tiny table for two. I live in a small studio apartment in the Mission District. The place is only a few hundred square feet, but the rent is cheap, and the neighborhood is full of people my age, so it’s been perfect.
“Let me get the box of letters,” I say as I start to walk to my closet, but he stops me.
“We can eat first. There’s no rush. We’ve waited for ten years. We can wait for a few more minutes. I want to hear more about you. What have you been up to these last ten years? I hear you work for a law firm.”
“How did you know that?”
He looks my way, and I stop short. Cole. Right, of course, he knew that from him. I shake my head. I don’t want to go there right now, so I continue like that moment didn’t just happen.
“Yes, I’m a legal assistant for this amazing attorney who has taught me so much that I’ve really grown to love the legal system. That’s why I enrolled in the Intro to Law class. I’m thinking of going back to school, but wanted to make sure I was up for it before I jumped in feet first.”
“I’ll have to admit, the girl who wanted to break the law at any opportunity she could becoming a lawyer makes me laugh, but honestly, I think you’d be really good at it. You always knew how to outrun the law, so I can see you being able to solve it just the same.”
I laugh out loud because he’s so right. It does take a criminal mind to be able to solve a crime, and though I never got arrested or anything, I was able to have my share of fun and never got caught.
“I’ve really enjoyed the class so far, and if I can pull it off, I’m going to enroll and start working my way toward my degree.”
“I would say with your background of already working at a firm you’d have a head start on the system and how it works.”
“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. You can read all you want but nothing compares to real life experience and that I have plenty of. Plus, my boss, Kamii, is so supportive, and I know she’ll help me at every step.”
“Man, Evangeline.” He shakes his head, raising his eyebrows slightly. “I’m so proud to see what you’ve become. I’ve been afraid all this time that you were alone, barely making ends meet and here, this whole time, you’ve been kicking ass and taking names. I’m really impressed.”
“That means a lot to me to hear you say. I was lost for a few years but something led me to the firm, and things took off from there. Everything happens for a reason, right?”
He smiles, slowly nodding his head. “Right.”
Carter inhales his entire burrito as I can barely finish a third of mine. We crack up at old memories and even about stories we’ve experienced while apart. Our friendship is like we haven’t skipped a day, and a small part of me is hoping this is the beginning to us again.
After we wash our dishes, we both grab a beer from the fridge and head to the couch to finally open a box that has haunted me for years. With my hands hovering over the lid, I look at him for his final approval before I lift it, knowing we can never go back.
He doesn’t nod or even smile. Instead, he puts down his beer, stands up to where I am, kissing me on my head, and places his hands over mine, so we lift the lid together.
I blink away the tears that fill my eyes when I see the letters I’ve seen for the last ten years that have piled up. On every envelope, up in the corner is their address in Sonoma.
When Carter sees the address, he turns to me. “They live that close?”
I let out a much-needed laugh of relief. “Yes. I had him here in San Francisco. I chose them because they owned a winery, and I knew they’d be able to give him a life you and I only dreamed of having.”
Our eyes meet, and I can see his understanding in my thinking, which makes me hopeful.
“Should we start at the top or go by the dates and start at the beginning?” I ask, pulling all the letters out of the box.
“I can’t believe there are so many,” he states in mild shock at the pile.
“They’ve written me a couple times a year since he was born. She knew I was having a very difficult time with my decision and promised, mom to mom, that she’d give our son the best life possible, and she’d document it every step of the way for me. I couldn’t open them when they came, but every time one arrived, a sense of relief would flood me, and I knew he was doing well. That’s all I needed to know then.”
“I’m glad you waited for me.”
A tear slips from my eye. “Me too.”
He leans over to wipe my cheek before looking back at the pile. “Let’s start from the beginning.” He smiles as his eyes light up. “Let’s watch him grow up.”
My heart hurts from the thought. It breaks knowing I’ve missed so much, but I feel it slowly repairing with every breath I take sitting here with Carter.
The first letter comes a month after he was born, and it’s here that he learns his full name, Benjamin Carter Adams.
“His middle name is Carter?” He looks at me in shock.
“They wanted him to have something tied to me in terms of his name, so I asked them to choose Carter as his middle name,” I say, not stopping the tears this time.
He grabs the letter and folds it open to reveal a picture of a baby boy dressed in a San Francisco Giants onesie that says Future MVP. Carter’s head falls back on the couch, and even though his eyes are closed, the wetness seeping out makes my tears fall even more.
“That’s our baby, Carter. We made him.”
He opens his eyes, letting the tears fall down his cheeks. “I can’t believe it. That’s our son.”
I lean back, cuddling in his arms as he holds up the picture for us both to look at. “It is. Our miracle.”
I grab the next one. “Look, he’s sitting up and eating baby food in this photo.”
We both laugh at the happy boy with green mush smeared all over his face.
When we opened the letter that showed him taking his first steps we both cried happy tears, admiring the photo of Benjamin running toward his father. The look on his dad’s face heals the wounds I never thought would be mended. In every photo his adoptive parents are in, they look incredibly happy holding the gift of life that we were able to give them. The thought makes my heart sing.
We spend the night going through each letter, both of us crying at times and other times smiling from ear to ear as we hear his accomplishments. We’ve learned he’s a straight A student, which he obviously got from Carter, and he likes to stir up trouble from time to time, which no doubt he got from me. He’s a perfect blend of us in personality and looks, and at the end of the night, I couldn’t be more proud of the young man he’s become.
As we fold the last letter back into the envelope, a nervousness creeps over my skin as I wonder what happens next.
Thankfully, Carter takes charge, pulling me into his arms, not saying a word but taking the photos we set off to the side and flipping through them one more time.
We laugh at certain ones and even point out things we didn’t notice the first time.
There’s no rush. We sit staring at photos, holding each other like we have all the time in the world.
Once we get to the last photo again, he puts the stack down beside him, resting his head against mine as we lean back on the couch.
After taking a deep breath, he says, “Well, it’s late, so I guess I’ll head out.”
He stands up, and I follow his lead.
“Oh, it’s okay. Um, I mean—”
“Hey.” He turns to me, placing his hand on the back of my neck and wrapping his finge
rs through my hair. “I don’t want you to feel pressured having me here and worried about what happens next. We have time. It’s been a big night. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Hearing how supportive he’s being of me makes me want him to stay, but I know he’s right. We’ve had a crazy emotional night, and we shouldn’t confuse our feelings with what we just shared and what we are doing with us.
One thing at a time.
I lean up to kiss his cheek. “Thank you, Carter.”
He holds my head in both his hands, looking into my eyes. “That doesn’t mean I’m not going to kiss you.” He smirks as his lips reach mine.
His kiss is soft, seductive, and mind-blowing. The way his tongue softly sweeps over mine, taking my breath completely away, almost brings me to my knees. To my dismay, he keeps it short, pulling back and kissing my forehead before turning toward the door.
“Thank you for sharing those with me. It”—he pauses for a moment—“it really means a lot.”
He opens the door, and I hold it halfway open, leaning my body against it. “Me too.”
Something red catches my eyes, and I look down at the floor to see a dozen roses, wrapped tightly in plastic wrap. I look at Carter in question, but he shakes his head. Both of us realize at the same time who they must have come from.
Cole.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Cole
The flowers I brought to surprise Evangeline with mocked me while they sat on the floor next to her door. I saw Carter walking into her complex when I turned the corner and against my better judgment, I still went to her place to torture myself. I never knocked or let them know I was there, but I sat with my ear close to her door for a half hour and heard more than I ever wanted to hear.
I’m fucked. How can I compete with what they have? I couldn’t hear every word, but even I could tell their relationship has picked up exactly where it left off. When they started opening letters about their son I had to leave. I couldn’t take it anymore.
Now I sit here like a little bitch biting my nails in anticipation for her to walk through the door. I’m not the guy who worries about girls or even chases after them.
Class starts at six and here it is, six-oh-two, and she’s still not here. The feelings running through me are exactly why I don’t date.
This sucks to no end.
Pissed at myself for feeling this way, I shake my head and stand up, ready to start the lecture. I write something on the board, and when I turn around, I see her, standing at the door. She looks just as timid as I feel. The look on her face isn’t promising, so I try to put on my game face and announce, “I’m glad you could join us tonight, Evangeline,” but instantly regret the ticked off tone it comes out as.
She slowly takes her seat, and I start the next few painful hours that I hope will fly by. I used to love seeing her sitting front row but not tonight. I try to keep my head up and my professionalism on point, but nothing seems to be working. My gaze always goes right to her.
I write notes on the board, and when I turn around, I notice Charlie has moved a few seats and is leaning over, whispering something to Evangeline. Instantly my blood starts to boil, and when Charlie looks up, his eyes meet mine, and I swear the prick challenges me.
I look at Evangeline, and by the way her eyes won’t look my way I know whatever just happened, it has to do with her and me.
Thankfully she stays after class and slowly makes her way to my desk.
“What did Charlie say to you in class?”
She bites her bottom lip. “He asked if we had a lovers’ quarrel.”
My head drops to my chest, ashamed. “Fuck, was I that obvious?”
She doesn’t respond, which kills me even more. I stand up from my seat and walk to the opposite side of my desk to be closer to her.
Grabbing her hand, I ask, “Have you had dinner yet?”
She nods.
“Want a ride home then?”
“Yeah, that’d be nice.”
We walk to the car, and on the way home it’s quiet with anticipation that’s killing me.
“So, how was your trip home?” I finally say, trying to break the ice.
“It was really good actually. I got to see my friend that I haven’t seen or talked to in ten years. The town hasn’t changed much, but it was nice to see—”
“Carter,” I interrupt, kicking myself the minute the words left my mouth.
How could I be so stupid?
“That’s not what I was going to say, but yeah, he showed up the last day I was there.”
“And…?”
“And what, Cole?” She shrugs.
I sigh, ready to ask more questions but when I park and look up, Carter is standing outside her complex, waiting for her to come home.
“Looks like you have company,” I say, nodding my head to her door.
I meet eyes with Carter and watch as his hands ball into fists at his side. As we exit the car, he storms toward us with an authority I’ve never seen him display.
Even though Carter is bigger than me, I’m ready to stand my ground and not back down if he wants to actually go to blows over this entire situation. Shit, it will probably help my built up frustrations.
Evangeline is quick to get in between us, putting her hand up to Carter as he approaches. “He was just giving me a ride home from school.”
“Yeah, I’m sure that’s not all he hoped you’d ride,” Carter spits out, glaring at me.
“Real nice, Carter,” Evangeline says, shaking her head.
Even I’m shocked he’d say something so vulgar to Evangeline, and I love to know I’m getting under his skin so much that he’s not thinking straight.
“Fuck, I didn’t mean it like that,” Carter says, grabbing her hand.
“Don’t forget he’s the one who knew it was you the entire time at the club. Why do you think he was so secretive?”
Carter gasps and stares at me. I smirk, glad I hit a nerve. Obviously, that hasn’t been brought up between the two of them.
“He’s the one who tried to kick me out of the club so you’d never know it was me,” Carter fights back.
“You know what, you’re right. Screw both of you guys. You can have your pissing contest alone, without me here,” she states, turning to walk down the hallway to her place.
I glare at Carter. “Real nice, asshole.”
He turns to follow her, and even though I don’t want to, I walk back to my car. Since I know I was dealt the short stick here, I’ll do anything I need to do to make sure I stay on Evangeline’s good side while I still have a fighting chance.
Evangeline
“Just go away, Carter,” I state as we walk down the hall.
“Let me explain.”
I turn to face him. “Explain what? That you knew it was me the entire time? That you let me have sex with you knowing I didn’t know it was you.” I push at his chest.
He stands still, not saying a word.
“I’m sorry, Evangeline. I didn’t know what to do. I was in shock. Here I’ve looked for you for ten years and then you show up out of the blue. What was I to do?”
“Hmm, well, gee, how about tell me who the fuck you are?” I yell.
I can’t believe I was so caught up in seeing him again and didn’t think that I should still be mad at him for this.
Quietly he says, “I was afraid you’d run again,” while reaching out to hold my hand, looking down at the way they interconnect. “You don’t understand. I had to play it cool. I found you, and I was terrified to lose you again.” His head tilts up, and our eyes meet. “I wanted to see if our connection was still there. I wanted to know if you could feel me the way I felt you.”
I turn in the hallway to lean on the wall and rest my head against it, taking in a deep breath.
He steps closely in front of me, placing his feet on either side of mine. His warmth overwhelms my senses, and suddenly, I don’t remember why I was mad at him.
“You did too. You reali
zed it was me without me having to say anything. That’s how strong this is.”
His hand reaches up and moves my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear.
My lips tremble with want and fear. Everything he said is true. When he kissed me that first time, I was gone. Even then my body knew it was him, my brain just hadn’t caught up yet.
When his lips lightly brush against mine the thought angers me again, and I push him away, walking into my apartment and closing the door behind me. Leaving him alone in the hallway.
I hear him slam his fist against the wall, and all I can do is pray he didn’t leave a mark for me to be reminded of him every day.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Cole
It’s been a week now, and I’m nowhere close to where I want to be. Evangeline has been coming to class, and we’ve talked but nothing more. I’m kicking myself for canceling my membership to Bridge, and you can bet yourself that I sat outside, so thankful when she never showed up last night.
I don’t know why, though. There’s nothing I could have done, and it would have killed me knowing she was in someone else’s arms with me sitting right outside. Maybe I like self-torture because I seem to be putting myself through it a lot lately.
Tonight I’m finally getting my chance to make my case. I know he has her past, but I need to remind her that she left him for a reason.
Saturday night can be crazy everywhere you go. I was reminded of our time at the taco truck, and I knew where to take her. It was so simple, yet that’s when I felt we were really us for the first time.
She’s a small town girl, and I can tell she’s more comfortable at a hole-in-the-wall place rather than a five-star restaurant.
We cross the Golden Gate and pull off the freeway in Larkspur to a small place I know on the water.
Her knee bounces slightly next to me, and I’m sad to see her nerves on display. She’s never been this way before when we were together.