Disillusioned Love

by Amy Lee Peine

  “I don’t know what to do.” Riana whined as she burrowed back under her blanket.

  “Whatever you do, honey, be honest with Alex.” Samantha urged as she rubbed Riana’s back.

  Riana nodded and sighed. “I think, I just want to stay here for a while.”

  Lexi frowned. “You can’t hide in here forever, Ri.” If Riana didn’t love Lexi as much as she did, she may have found Lexi’s mothering annoying.

  Riana turned her head and glared at Lexi. “I know.” She snapped. “Just give me awhile. I’ll come out to untack the horses once they’re done.”

  “I’ll get them to finish up and we’ll start lunch for you.” Sam offered as she kissed Riana’s cheek and crawled off the bed. Lexi followed shortly behind. Riana sighed as more tears escaped her eyes. She knew Lexi and Sam were frustrated with her. She also knew they saw the good and happiness Alex brought her. Riana couldn’t seem to break free from Ryan. Despite the moment she had with Alex, she still couldn’t convince herself Alex could want her, love her, or treat her any differently than the other men she’d been with. She was acutely aware of the sick comfort being with Ryan brought her.

  Alex was torn apart as he walked away from Riana. He wanted to hold her, wanted to tell her it was okay, that he was there for her and that he loved her. He knew he couldn’t. As painful as it was for him, they had to stop, and he had to walk away. Riana had to make a decision.

  Alex wandered back outside and watched silently as Spencer enjoyed his ride. Tabitha refused to acknowledge he was there, and Sam and Lexi left shortly after he arrived. He felt the heaviness of being alone while surrounded by those he considered family. Matthew glanced over at him and furrowed his brow. He mouthed the question, “Are you okay?” and Alex barely shrugged in response. He wasn’t okay. He had fallen desperately in love with a woman he knew he couldn’t have. He snorted, as he found it ironic how so many of D.M.A.’s songs dealt with love yet there he was; realizing he’d never truly been in love. He’d loved before, but he’d never wanted to give himself so completely to anyone. Alex wanted to bare his soul to Riana; present himself more honestly than he had before and hope somehow she could love him too. Riana was unlike other women Alex had known. She wasn’t consumed with his status, wasn’t star-struck or dumbed down in front of him. He took solace the knowledge that if she did love him, at least it would be authentic.

  “Hey Matt!” Lexi hollered as she and Samantha reached the corral. “Want to start on lunch?” She asked as she opened the gate and jogged to him on Sonny.

  “Absolutely.” Matthew was always happy to cook for anyone. He pulled back on Sonny’s reins and brought her to a halt. Tabitha stopped Sugar and assisted Spencer out of the saddle.

  “What should we do with the horses?” Tabitha asked.

  “Sam will take them back to the stable. Riana will be out in a minute to take care of them.” Sam said as she walked over to Tabitha and Sugar. She grabbed the lead from Tabitha as she gave her an apprehensive look. Alex wondered when everyone would find out about the confrontation in the barn. Sam also grabbed Sonny’s reins after Matthew dismounted. Alex hopped off the fence and ambled towards Sam.

  “I’ll take Sonny.” He volunteered. Sam placed the reins in his hand as she nodded. They moseyed through the gate silently. Matt, Derek, and Lexi headed to the main house while Tabitha took Spencer to the guest house to change. Once everyone was out of earshot Alex spoke, “I’m sorry about what happened in the barn.” He watched the ground before him instead of meeting Sam’s large, compassionate, hazel eyes.

  “It’s okay Alex. It wasn’t your fault.” She assured. She placed her small hand on Alex’s broad shoulder. “We knew something was going to give before things would get better right?”

  “I suppose.” Alex mumbled as he shuffled along.

  “That’s not what’s really bothering you, is it?” Sam assessed. They entered the barn and stopped at the rings on the wall to tie up the horses.

  “No.” He sighed. “Riana came in here, when Tabitha and I were getting into it. She… She downright owned Tabitha. It was outrageous. And wonderful. But…” Alex stopped and twisted Sonny’s leather reins around his hands. “She was beautiful when she did it. There was something… irresistible in it.” He finally looked at Sam. “I messed up, Sam. She knows how I feel. I went against everything you told me, everything I knew I shouldn’t do.”

  “I know.” Sam interrupted unpretentiously. “Things are going to be complicated for a while. But… she doesn’t know how you feel Alex.” Before he could debate it or question her, she continued. “She’s pretty much in denial that you feel anything for her. She’s terrified Alex.” Her eyes revealed a heavy sadness.

  “Yeah. I messed up really well didn’t I?” He commented sarcastically. Her eyes softened further.

  “Like I said before, if you really love her, stick it out. She’ll make it worth it. She might not be able to fully admit it yet Alex, but she loves you. I can see it, Lexi can see it. She’ll get there.” Alex gave her a half-hearted smile. He turned to Sonny and started to undo her bridle.

  “You don’t have to do that.” Riana’s soft voice remarked from the barn door. “I’ll untack them.”

  Alex was unsure if he should argue with her or not. Everything was new now, different, awkward even. “Alright honey.” Samantha complied as she pulled on Alex’s upper arm. “Come on Alex.” Alex’s eyes sadly traveled to Riana’s face. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot, her cheeks and neck splotched with red. He quickly realized that she had been crying. He wanted to stop and gather her in his arms, but knew he shouldn’t. He sullenly followed Sam out of the barn.

  Derek picked up on an odd vibe among everyone. Almost everyone; Tabitha, Sam, Lexi and Alex. He hadn’t even seen Riana since she got everyone going in the corral. Matthew was at the grill and happily watched Spencer in the pool with Tabitha. Derek sat at the side of the pool, but as he saw Lexi leave the bar and head into the house he decided to follow. “Hey D!” Lexi greeted happily when she saw Derek enter the kitchen.

  “What’s going on Lex?” Derek asked deliberately. Her eyes shot around nervously.

  “Just, um, getting Matt some seasoning.” She replied uneasily as she turned to the cupboard.

  “Not that.” Derek retorted. “Why is everyone acting so… weird.” Derek saw Lexi’s shoulders fall and she slowly turned back to him.

  “There was a bit of a… confrontation between Alex and Tabitha earlier.” She explained. Derek sighed as he lowered himself onto one of the stools at the kitchen island. “I don’t know any details. Sam was there for part of it. Riana… finished it.”

  “Well, that explains how quiet Tabs is being.” Derek reasoned as he ran his fingers along the cool granite top. Lexi moved around the island and sat next to him, her unruly curls drifted into her face.

  “Alex is going to need his big brother, D.” She presumed. He nodded. “Things also got… intense with him and Ri.”

  “They’re fighting?” Derek questioned in disbelief. Lexi wetted her lips, then bit her lower lip softly.

  “Well, not exactly. They, um, became a little intimate afterwards.” She blushed lightly. “Just kissing, but it’s messing with Riana in an awful way.”

  “Damn, I imagine.” Derek mumbled. “I’m sure Alex is a bit... confused right now as well.” Lexi nodded.

  “I think I’m going to suggest a girl’s day out tomorrow. Just me, Sam and Ri. We’ll go riding, maybe camp out for the night. I’m sure you and guys could handle a night without us.” She smiled.

  Derek draped his arm over her shoulder. “Oh, I don’t know.” He teased. She laughed lightly and rolled her eyes playfully.

  “Uh, Lexi! I kind of need that seasoning!” Matthew hollered from the patio.

  “Ah, dammit!” Lexi cursed as she jumped up, grabbed the seasoning off the counter and jogged back outside.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Upside Down

  Riana took her time to untack
and clean up Sonny and Sugar. She wasn’t in any particular hurry to be back in the presence of everyone else. She was sure Tabitha wouldn’t keep their confrontation a secret for long. She also figured Matt would hate her for being so aggressive with his wife.

  And Alex.

  Riana let out a long sigh as she dropped her head to Sonny’s neck. Alex would want her to make decisions she wasn’t ready to make. It took every ounce of resistance she could muster not to rush into his arms, find his lips and tell him it was him she wanted. She thought it would be rash of her to assume there could be an actual relationship with Alex. They had a weak moment, she rationalized, where attraction took over. Attraction didn’t equal love; which was a hard lesson for Riana to learn and come to terms with. Alex was one of her best friends, she felt it was stupid to jeopardize the friendship with such reckless behavior. Stupid and selfish.

  Alex’s words replayed in Riana’s mind; “Now you know how I feel...you have to figure out how you feel...you can’t have both of us…” She figured one might logically conclude that Alex did have feelings for her. She wasn’t exactly a logic driven person however. Alex was the most wonderful man she had ever known, she felt she was unworthy of him. Riana knew the world expected a beautiful, classy, passive and accommodating woman on Alex’s arm. She wasn’t any of those things. She was short, curvy, aggressive, and she cussed too much. She simply felt that she wasn’t good enough for him.

  Riana took a deep breath and continued to untack Sonny, desperate to block everything out of her mind. She attempted to distract herself with ideas for her next book, a new speaking engagement schedule, she even considered spending some time in Canada with Sam. Eventually the monotony of untacking and rubbing down Sonny and Sugar calmed her. She didn’t feel quite so on edge, so terrified or anxious. For a moment she felt alone on the ranch with her horses. After Riana finished with Sonny and Sugar she put them out to pasture and hopped up on the fence to watch them. She closed her eyes against the sun and felt herself slip into a peaceful moment. She wondered if perhaps it wasn’t about being good enough for Alex. Maybe it was about being herself and being able to find someone who could handle her. Someone who could love her despite her past, her aggression, and her cynicism. She couldn’t say for sure if that person was Alex, though she definitely wanted it to be him. She couldn’t get past how terrified the possibility of losing him made her.

  She couldn’t forget Ryan either. She attempted to comprehend how it all changed. She wondered if it had ever been real. Had he truly loved her at one time or had she been duped for the last three years? She thought back over the years and remembered the look in his eyes, his playfulness, and his compassion. She shook her head, and questioned how they got to where they were. How did she get to the point where she knew deep within her soul that he didn’t love her, yet she couldn’t walk away from him? No matter how much time passed between when she’d hear from him or saw him, she was a willing, spineless puddle the moment he came back.

  Ryan had helped her in her healing journey, she figured that had to mean something in all of this. He was the only man to have asked permission to touch her intimately. He was the first man she was present with during intimate moments. For years she had disassociated from every sexual encounter she had. It was easier for her to emotionally leave the moment than it was to face how each encounter brought her back to being assaulted. Ryan was the first man she truly hadn’t been afraid of. That had changed though, too. There was an apprehension deep within Riana’s gut lately when he came back. It was a desperate whisper that yelled at her not to do it. Riana snorted at the cruel irony; how passionate, assertive and strong she was in her speaking and writing about sexual violence and healing yet there she was; a passive, weak, quiet woman willing to be used in order to fool herself into believing she was loved. She hated that she was willing to change herself in order to appease him. She buried her passion and became soft spoken as to not intimidate him.

  A smirk spread across Riana’s face as she thought of Alex. Alex apparently liked her aggression and how brutally blunt she was. She blushed at the memory of their kitchen encounter. She groaned and hopped off the fence. Brushing it under the rug would not be as easy as she had hoped. Riana unenthusiastically ventured back to the house. As she approached the back she smiled at the sound of laughter. She was glad that at least everyone else was having fun. She straightened her back and put on a brave face to make it through lunch.

  “Ri!” Matthew hollered as Riana turned the corner. “Where the hell have you been lady?”

  “Just, taking care of some things.” She covered as she quickly glanced at Tabitha and Alex. She found Matthew’s blue eyes and smiled. “So what masterpiece did you whip up for lunch?” His smile brightened as he led Riana to his spread of delectable meat, fruit and side dishes. As they took their places for lunch Riana noticed that Tabitha couldn’t look her in the eyes; much the way Riana couldn’t look at Alex.

  “So Ri, Sam and I have decided that we should take a day ride tomorrow. Maybe even camp out for the night.” Lexi declared from across the table. Riana kept her eyes on her plate and pondered the idea. She figured it couldn’t hurt to be away from Alex for a day.

  Riana nodded as she finally looked at Lexi. “Okay.” She relented. She excused herself from the table early; stating she wasn’t feeling well. Riana spent the remainder of the afternoon in her room. Samantha checked on her, but Riana urged her to keep with the original plans for the evening. About the time the sun set there was another knock at the door. Riana yelled for them to enter and she was graced with Matthew’s sweet smile.

  “Spencer was wondering if you were going to join us for our movie.” He beckoned softly. Riana avoided his eyes. He slipped further into her room and sat on the edge of Riana’s bed. “He really likes you Ri.” Riana smiled despite herself.

  “I really like him too, Matt.” Matthew placed his hand on Riana’s calf and gave a gentle squeeze.

  “I know about what happened in the barn, Ri.” He revealed simply. Riana groaned. “I’m not upset with you.” Riana lifted her face to him quickly with a puzzled look. “She needed to hear it. She wouldn’t listen to me when I’d tell her.” He paused for a moment and studied the patterns on Riana’s comforter. “And… And I really think it’s great how you defended Alex.”

  “I just couldn’t let her talk to him like that.” Ri explained. “I shouldn’t have gotten so aggressive though.” Matthew gave a quick shrug.

  “She’s a tough woman Ri, she’ll handle it. Like I said, it had to be said. I’m glad it was you that said it.” He smiled warmly at her. “So what do you say? You coming out for a movie?” He was almost impossible to say no to. Riana gave a quick roll of her eyes and conceded to his request. She slipped into some sweat pants and a hoodie as she hoped to cocoon herself outside and avoid any further confrontations.

  Riana found Samantha in the kitchen, producing massive amounts of popcorn. Sam beamed softly as she saw Riana. “How are you doing, love?” She asked as Riana slipped in beside her and stole a handful of the buttery goodness.

  “Oh, you know, perfecting the art of denial and avoidance.” She mumbled. Sam wrapped her arm around Riana’s waist.

  “Oh Ri, let’s go watch a movie.” Riana nodded and followed Sam outside. Riana was stunned at how hard everyone had worked to set up the outdoor theater. The patio furniture had been taken from the back yard and placed in front of the makeshift movie screen hung on the barn wall. There were a few hay bales stacked and layered with heavy blankets to form more seats. Spencer was snuggled between Matthew and Tabitha, Derek was on the ground backed against a hay bale with Lexi next to him. Alex sat in one of the lounge chairs and turned his head to Riana. She smiled hesitantly as she approached.

  Riana couldn’t stop herself. She nervously advanced further then asked softly, “Can I sit with you?” His smile was sweet and understanding as he nodded. Riana crawled over one leg and settled in between the other then leaned back against him
. She turned her head, just a bit and breathed in his scent. “I’m sorry.” She murmured.

  Alex ran his hand along Riana’s arm. “I’m sorry too.” Riana closed her eyes and snuggled into him. Despite their mistake she didn’t want to lose the comfort she felt with him. It was all encompassing. She was a wreck inside as she cried in her bed, but the moment she was within Alex’s embrace the emotional whirlwind settled.

  The next thing Riana knew she barely noticed being scooped up off the chair and carried. She vaguely heard voices around her. “She really can sleep anywhere can’t she?” His deep voice rumbled. She then heard a light laugh beside her; Lexi.

  “She really can. Good thing she had you around to carry her back to bed.” Riana’s brain drifted back into a deep sleep.

  Sunday August 27, 2006

  Lexi grooved in her room to some old school 90’s music as she packed for her ride, when she heard a deep laugh from her door. She jumped around, startled, and found Derek leaned up against her door frame. He shook his head and chuckled at her. Lexi blushed at being caught in her guilty pleasure. “Nice, Lex.” He laughed.

  “Oh, come on. You know you love it.” She taunted as she turned up the music and sashayed over to him. She grabbed his hands and pulled him all the way into her room. Derek finally gave in and showed her just how perfectly he could “bad-man dance.”

  “What time are you ladies taking off?” He asked as he followed Lexi into her closet where she pulled down her sleeping bag and a change of clothes.

  “Well, that depends on our sleeping beauty.” She giggled. “I figure we’ll head out around noon. She needs some time just us girls. I know her. She’s beating herself up and thinking in circles.” Derek nodded thoughtfully.

  “So I heard this rumor…”

  “It’s not good to listen to rumors, D.” Lexi teased as she stuffed her clothes into her bag.

  “Right.” Derek grinned. “I think I should listen to this one, though. I heard it was your birthday soon.” Lexi turned and beamed at him. “And I was wondering if, maybe, you’d like to spend your birthday with me in Prescott?” Lexi’s smile grew. She found it adorable, how apprehensive he seemed to be. “We could find a little hole in the wall restaurant, maybe take in some theater. Whatever you’d like.”