Disillusioned Love

by Amy Lee Peine

  Alex had Spencer on his shoulders in the pool as they played water basketball with Derek. A smiled danced along Tabitha’s lips as she watched them. “Uncle D! I got you!” Spencer yelled happily after Alex had lifted him higher to dunk over Derek’s head. Both Alex and Derek loved Matthew as another brother and had been happy to be embraced as Spencer’s uncles.

  “Alright little dude, time to swim. I need a break.” Alex laughed as he lifted Spencer off his shoulders. Alex and Derek exited the pool and proceeded to the bar where Tabitha chatted with Matt.

  Derek leaned in behind Matthew and grabbed waters for himself and Alex. “So,” he started, as he leaned back against the bar. “I sort of asked Lexi out.”

  “Way to go, D!” Alex whooped. Derek grinned.

  “That’s great, Derek.” Tabitha smiled. “Lexi seems wonderful.” She glanced at Alex. “They all seem really great.” Alex smiled softly at her, he knew she meant Riana. “So what’s the plan?”

  Derek took a quick drink of his water. “Well, her birthday is coming up. I figured it’d be a nice opportunity to spend some time with her…”

  “Without actually making it a date?” Matt jabbed playfully.

  “Kind of.” Derek laughed.

  “Honestly, D, from what I’ve seen, I don’t think you need to test the waters or anything.” Alex offered. “You both seem plenty comfortable with each other.”

  Derek pursed his lips and nodded. “I know. But I also know she thinks relationships complicate life.” He took another, slower drink.

  Tabitha rubbed his arm. “It’s all about finding a person worth the complication.” Matthew glanced over his shoulder and winked at her. Derek nodded again with a small smirk.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Everybody’s Changing

  Monday August 28, 2006

  As Riana, Lexi and Sam approached the ranch Riana’s heart grew heavy. Riana knew without a doubt that things were falling apart with Ryan. She also knew she would have to see him to know for sure and to put things to rest. Or maybe work them out. Riana thought perhaps when she voiced her concerns in person to Ryan he’d finally prove he wanted to be with her. The heaviness in her heart was because she knew she had to tell Alex.

  “So, considering how well I know you,” Lexi broke Riana from her thoughts. “I’ll take care of the horses and gear. You go find Alex.” Lexi knew the longer Riana waited to talk to Alex about what she felt she needed to do, the less likely Riana was to actually do it. Riana nodded silently. She left Lexi and Sam in the barn as she went in search of Alex.

  Riana felt nauseous, her palms were sweaty, and she would have sworn she had the beginning of tunnel vision. “Hey Ri.” Matthew called from the pool as Riana turned the corner into the back yard. “How was your ladies' night?”

  “Really good.” She smiled as she scanned the back quickly. “Have you--”

  “He’s inside, playing video games.” Derek

  offered quickly.

  “Thanks D.” Riana hollered over her shoulder as she hurried inside. Riana checked the theater first to no avail. She peeked into two more empty sitting rooms then figured he was probably in his room. She started up the stairs quickly, she skipped one each stride. Halfway up she stopped and wondered why she was in such a hurry. It wasn’t as if Alex would find this to be exciting or even happy news. She had missed him, though, and wanted to see him. Remembering what she had to tell him forced her to slow her progression. She took the steps one at a time and willed herself to remain strong.

  Riana reached Alex’s door and knocked lightly. He didn’t answer, but his door wasn’t latched so she pushed it open a bit. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw him. He sat on his bed, cross-legged, in only a pair of cargo shorts. His gaze was locked intently on the screen, controller in hand while he talked smack to his cohorts via his headset. Riana grinned as she leaned against the doorframe and watched him. She fought to control the desire to saunter in and pin him to the bed.

  Alex glanced around quickly, almost as though he felt her as she watched him. He smirked when he saw her. “I have to go.” He declared quickly into the mic of his headset. He pulled the headset off and powered down his game. “Hey Ri.”

  Riana straightened her back. I can do this. “Can we talk?” Alex nodded and patted the spot next to him on his disheveled comforter. Riana licked her lip then grasped her labret ring as she ambled to his bed. She crawled up slowly and sat opposite of him. She crossed her legs and stared intently at her hands placed in her lap.

  Riana refused to meet Alex’s eyes, she knew if she did they would surely melt her resolve. “Alex,” She breathed softly, his name rolled easily off her tongue and spiked her heart rate. “You’re one of my best friends. I--I was stupid, and selfish, on Saturday.” She took a deep breath. “I’m not an unfaithful partner.” Her voice shook and she still refused to meet his eyes.

  Alex’s hands reached out and she sighed when they covered her own hands. “I… I love Ryan, Alex.” His hands tensed. “At least… I know I did. I still might.” Riana shook her head as she tried to clear some of the confusion. She finally lifted her eyes to Alex. “He’s still my partner, Alex, I need to respect that. I need to know for sure where I’m going with him.” Alex’s face was still as stone and unreadable. “I love you Alex. I need to know I didn’t lose my best friend.” She pleaded.

  Alex pulled his hands from hers and Riana felt the beginning of her chest caving in; certain she had ruined everything. Before the sobs could consume her the bed shifted and Alex’s strong, bare arms wrapped around her. “I will always be your best friend Ri.” He promised, his chin on top of her head. Riana wrapped her arms around him and sighed over his shoulder. “I’m sorry about Saturday.” He whispered.

  Riana knew he didn’t have any reason to apologize. “You only did what I asked you to do.” She discerned sheepishly. She pulled back and dropped her head again. “It was my fault.”

  “I have a feeling we could fight forever about who to blame for that.” Alex teased with a smile.

  Riana laughed a bit. “So true. I mean, I may have asked, but it’s your fault for being so sexy.” Riana’s cheeks warmed at her admission.

  Alex’s dark eyes lit up playfully. “I’m sexy?”

  Riana shoved him backwards as they both laughed. “Shut up. Don’t pretend like you don’t know you are.”

  “I don’t know Alex, do we really want to let Matt grill again?” Riana laughed as they rummaged through the refrigerator for dinner.

  “Well, you know, aside from the fires he is actually a talented grill master.” Alex jested as he pulled chicken quarters from the shelf.

  “Valid point dear.” Riana giggled as she shut the fridge door, only to be met with Tabitha on the other side. She jumped, startled, and tried to force her heart from her throat back to her chest where it belonged. “Holy shit!” She gasped as she braced herself against the cupboard doors.

  “I’m so sorry Riana!” Tabitha stammered quickly. “I didn’t mean to startle you!” Riana heard Alex put the chicken on the counter, then felt his hand on her back, he provided long, comforting strokes. Riana took a deep breath.

  “It’s okay.” She replied, her heart finally slowed. Damn PTSD, never fails.

  “I, um--” Tabitha stuttered. “was wondering if we could talk?” The pressure of Alex’s hand increased as he stopped stroking and grabbed Riana’s side. He stepped in behind her while he pulled her to him. Riana suddenly realized Alex was being protective of her. Her heart swelled. There had never been a man in Riana’s life that did anything of the sort. Riana placed her hand on top of his, thankful to feel so loved and safe.

  Riana searched Tabitha’s face. She attempted to figure out Tabitha’s intent. “Sure.” Riana answered simply.

  Riana watched as Tabitha’s eyes passed by her and glanced at Alex. “Alone, maybe?” Alex’s grip tightened and Riana’s heart soared.

  Riana nodded as she turned to face Alex. Alex didn’t remove his hand f
rom her side. Riana placed her free palm to the side of his face. “We’ll be out in a few.” His eyes narrowed past Riana to Tabitha. Riana squeezed the hand that was still placed protectively on her side. “It’s fine.” She assured. “Go. Bring the chicken to our grill master.” She smiled and released both of her hands from his skin. She watched as he picked up the chicken and went out back. After Alex closed the door Riana turned to Tabitha, deliberately stone faced.

  Tabitha shifted her weight and avoided Riana’s eyes. Their last confrontation replayed in Tabitha’s mind. “I was out of line on Saturday.” Tabitha admitted. “Things just… escalated so quickly with Alex.” She glanced to Riana. “I wanted to blame someone instead of accepting that he and Kim weren’t well suited for each other. I—I was wrong to blame you. I’m sorry Riana.” Riana knew Tabitha probably wanted her to say something, but she was only able to nod. “He’s like family. I want him to be happy. You make him happy Riana.” Riana’s throat tightened. “I haven’t seen him this happy in years.”

  Riana finally found her voice. “He makes me happy too.” She croaked softly.

  “You seem like a wonderful woman. The guys love you, Spencer loves you. I’m actually pretty upset with myself for being so bullheaded, because I have to leave tomorrow and I didn’t get to know you at all.” She gave Riana a weak smile.

  Riana finally conceded and smiled back. “I know what you mean.”

  “I have a feeling, though, we’ll have a lot of time to get to know each other.” Tabitha glanced out back to where Alex played with Spencer.

  Riana led the way to the sliding glass door. “I do believe you are correct.” Matthew turned at the sound of the door and as he saw smiles grace both of the women’s faces his own smile danced along his lips. Relief swept over Ri as she realized she no longer had to be on the defensive with Tabitha.

  Riana and Tabitha took two seat at the bar and Tabitha quickly jumped into conversation. She felt ridiculous for missing so much time, and was determined to make the most of the time she had left with Riana. She asked Riana about where she grew up, schooling, and her career. Riana finally felt she was being given a chance to be herself and happily answered. “I truly despised growing up in a small town.” Riana explained. “It seems I have to have one extreme or the other, I can’t do the middle ground crap.” She laughed. Tabitha agreed and told Riana stories of her own growing up in a small Southern town and how great it had been to travel with the guys.

  Tabitha also admitted how in awe she was of Riana’s writing ability. Tabitha had been featured in some online blogs but couldn’t imagine actually writing a book. Riana beamed with pride. “I’ll have to find a copy of it when I get back home, I’d really love to read it.” Tabitha revealed with a shy smile.

  “Really?” Riana blurted. She didn’t miss Matthew’s huge grin, or Alex’s. Tabitha assured her she was serious. “Well, I have extra copies in my office. Follow me.” Riana offered as she hopped off her barstool.

  Alex nudged Matthew. “Nice.” He commented as the women entered the house. He felt it had to have been Matt who pushed Tabitha to come to her senses.

  “That was all Ri, Alex.” Matt chuckled. “Tabs resisted me the whole way, Riana was the one that finally made her see she was being unreasonable.” He turned a chicken leg. “Riana… She seems to have an authority about her few have the ability to resist.”

  “Tell me about it.” Alex laughed.

  Tuesday August 29, 2006

  Matthew decided to take the Jeep alone to bring Tabitha and Spencer to the airport. Riana supposed it was hard on him, to be away from them so often. The fact that he would stay with her for another week brought insurmountable guilt to her. Tabitha gave Riana a hesitant hug as they packed up and apologized again for the heated encounter. Alex stood by and kept a watchful eye on them but Riana could read the relief in his face--as well as in Matt and Derek’s faces. Yet, there was a heaviness in Riana’s heart. A conflict she didn’t want to face.

  After Matt pulled through the gate and onto the road Riana breezed by the group and headed into the house to make a quick call. She hid in her room, she didn’t want anyone to know who she called; she knew she’d get all kinds of lectures. He didn’t pick up and Riana sighed as she felt the familiar sense of unimportance.

  Alex stood at Riana’s door and his heart dropped as he heard her leave Ryan a message. “Hey Ryan, it’s Ri. Just wanted to call and say hi. Haven’t talked to you in a while. Hope things are good. Love you, bye.” Riana’s chest tightened as she said she loved him. Almost as if her body revolted against the words.

  Alex chewed his lip and debated on his next step. He wanted to rush in and ask her what she was thinking, how could she still want to be with him when he was right there and wanted to give her everything Ryan wasn’t? Sam and Matt’s advice played in his head and he figured allowing his pain come out as anger wouldn’t help his cause. He lightly knocked on her door. Riana hollered for him to enter and he gently pushed her door open. “Hey Ri.”

  It seemed ironic to Riana that after being rejected by Ryan, even if was just a phone call, that Alex would appear. His voice hit her, made her heart jump and her breath catch. She couldn’t stop the spread of a smile as she turned to face him. “Hey Alex.” Alex was lost in the joy that filled her eyes and wondered if it was him or the call to Ryan that brought her happiness.

  “I have a craving for cookies.” Alex declared. Riana’s grin grew.

  “Oh yeah?” She teased as she leaned against her cluttered desk.

  Alex threw himself back on her bed. He leaned his head back over the edge and gave her a lopsided grin. “Wanna come bake with me?”

  Riana gaze down at him, struck once more by how lucky she was to be friends with him and how beautiful he was. “Oh, I suppose.” She laughed. “But only if they’re chocolate chip.” Alex pulled himself upright and beamed at her. Riana approached the bed and extended her hand out to him. “Let’s go.”

  Alex wove his fingers through Riana’s and followed her out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. Ri’s mind ran at least eight different directions. It felt right, yet completely wrong for her to hold his hand. She wondered how Ryan would react if he knew. She barely snorted when she concluded he wouldn’t even notice. She glanced to Alex nervously and asked herself if he could read how badly she wanted to kiss him again.

  Riana let Alex’s hand slip from hers as they entered the kitchen. “First things first.” Alex declared. Riana froze, panicked. Alex’s arms were suddenly around her from behind as he slipped an apron around her waist. She took a deep breath. “We must dress appropriately.” He quipped.

  Riana turned to him. “What about you? We wouldn’t want to ruin that sweet shirt.” She teased as she trailed her hand along his crisp, light blue, button down shirt. Alex smirked at her and reached for the second apron that hung on the wall. He kept his eyes intently on hers as he draped the apron over his head and tied it behind his back. Riana gave a weak smile.

  “Alright. Time for bowls and ingredients.” Alex declared with a clap of his hands. Riana watched as he happily dug through the cupboards and drawers to find all the necessary equipment for their adventure. She skipped over to the surround sound system and found the Motown station on satellite. As the simple beat of Sam Cooke flowed through the room she couldn’t help but notice how Alex’s hips began to sway. Alex turned to Riana and danced towards her with his hands outstretched.

  Riana easily slipped into his embrace. He held her hand in his and placed it on his chest as his other hand grasped her hip. His voice quietly sang the beginning lines of “Bring It To Me” to her. Why must Motown be so damn romantic!? Riana’s mind cried. She continued to dance with him, her head laid on his chest as he swayed and sang. Riana ached to bring it to him, she truly did. She was paralyzed by fear. It seemed too large of a risk. As the song trailed off Alex pulled her tightly to his chest and kissed her temple. He left his lips there for a long moment and Riana’s knees weakened.

>   The ring of Riana’s cellphone tore them apart. She glanced to the counter and saw it was Ryan. She looked up at Alex, bit her vertical labret and pulled away from him. She snatched the phone and turned her back on Alex as she answered. “Hey honey.” She greeted artificially. Alex swallowed the pain and put on a brave face. He let her be and continued to dig out their ingredients. Riana’s side of the conversation was easily heard and Alex pretended not to eavesdrop.

  “I just hadn’t talked to you in a while, wanted to see how you were.” She explained. Alex wondered if all of her conversations with him were so painfully forced. There was no authenticity in her voice when she talked to Ryan, nothing like how she was with him. “Yeah, things are good. I’m starting to put together a schedule for more speaking engagements.” Alex’s brows knitted together, he hadn’t heard anything about a new schedule. He then wondered if Riana frequently made a habit out of lying to Ryan as well. “Of course I’ll make some time to stay with you before I start traveling again.” Alex sighed as he grabbed the eggs. “Now? No… I’m with Lexi and Sam.” Alex contained a snort, loving how she conveniently left out him, Derek and Matthew.

  “Speaking of, we’re actually about to get cooking, so I should probably go. Okay, yeah, call me later. Or I’ll call you when I have more time to chat. Okay, yep, bye.”

  She placed her phone back on the counter, but didn’t turn back to Alex right away. She finally turned to him, her head downcast. “Alex…” She started. Alex could have picked a fight, but he remembered that he had to support her and show her what it really meant to be cared for.

  Alex approached her and rubbed her upper arms. “Hey, it’s okay. I get it. It’s fine.” She glanced up at him, disbelief in her eyes. “Ready to bake?” Alex asked with a playful grin. Relief overtook Riana’s disbelief as a smile grew on her face as well.