Disillusioned Love

by Amy Lee Peine

  Riana couldn’t help but wonder why she had suffered alone for so long. Having Sam and Lexi there with her made things so much better. Not exactly easier, but better. She smiled to herself as they took a ride with Chester, Lilo and Adonis. She felt a sense of comfort and relief she hadn’t felt since the whole thing with Ryan happened. “Do you ever wonder how differently things might have played out in life?” She pondered. Lexi and Sam looked at each other, then Riana. Riana knew they hated it when she asked vague questions.

  “In what regard?” Sam asked. Riana twirled her barbell and wondered what she meant.

  “I don’t know really. So many things I guess. I mean, what if Ryan and I had gotten married, what if I hadn’t had a meeting with my publisher that day in May? What if we had decided not to get coffee? What if I hadn’t taken Alex’s number?” She was rambling and knew it, but those were the things that cluttered her mind.

  “Well, thank God you and Ryan never got married.” Lexi chuckled. Riana gave a twisted half-smile. “The rest...well, we’ve always believed everything happens for a reason, right?” Riana nodded. “Things just played out right that night.”

  “Did they?” Riana pushed. “I mean, look at everything that’s happened since then. Alex and Kim broke up, I got in a fight with Tabitha, Ryan and I broke up, and now, here I am, questioning if it all really did happen for a reason.”

  “Did you really want to stay with Ryan?” Sam probed as she moved Lilo closer to Riana and Adonis. Riana frowned and shook her head. “And you know Alex didn’t want to stay with Kim, that one was falling apart well before you. Just as you and Ryan were falling apart well before Alex.” She definitely had a point. “Maybe… you’re supposed to end up together.” Sam offered. Riana felt her shoulders sag.

  “I don’t know…” Riana trailed off.

  “You said you felt like something was missing right?” Lexi asked as she looked to Riana then to Sam. Riana nodded. “What if that something isn’t a thing… it’s a someone. Maybe it’s Alex.”

  “What if it is though?” Riana blurted. “What if what I need the most is him? But what if he won’t have me? I know I’m not easy to put up with, I mean, you two would have to be the first to admit it.” She gave a quick chuckle. The truth was, she was terrified that it was Alex. She ran the risk of losing her best friend. “I already told Matt I’m not easy to love, I’m...complicated to say it nicely.”

  “Alex has seen that, though.” Sam justified. “He’s seen you at your best, and has held on through your worst. He has wanted nothing more than to be by your side through this Ri. He knows your terrible humor, your crassness, your passions, your mean streak, your sarcasm. He knows you Ri.” Riana thought perhaps Alex did know her. Perhaps he had successfully gotten within her walls without her realizing it.

  “And you know him.” Lexi finished. Riana smiled at the thought. It was true, Riana knew Alex in ways she never thought possible. She quickly realized she wanted to know him in every way. Her cheeks felt the burn of a quick flush at the thought.

  “What is this, some sort of intervention to get me to admit I love Alex?” Riana laughed. Lexi and Sam didn’t laugh with her, however. Riana’s eyes flicked from one to the other. “Oh my God, it is! You can’t be serious.” Riana laughed again. She hoped her laughter would imply to them how absurd she thought the idea was. Except, it wasn’t absurd.

  “We just… We think you’re running from something, well, obvious.” Lexi explained as they brought the horses up to the barn and dismounted.

  “It’s not obvious.” Riana argued. “It’s presumptuous, risky. Stupid even.” She huffed as she tied Adonis up to be untacked. Lexi followed Riana’s lead and tied up Chester.

  “I know you’ve spent weeks going over everything between you and Ryan and undoubtedly comparing it to you and Alex.” Riana huffed, she hated how Lexi knew her so well. She narrowed her eyes at Lexi. “What did you come up with Ri?” She tilted her head in expectation. Riana sighed angrily.

  “That… Ryan didn’t love me anymore.” Lexi pursed her lips and silently told Riana she expected more. “And….and that… maybe Alex did.” Lexi and Sam couldn’t stop the smiles that spread across their faces. “Stop smiling!” Riana demanded.

  “So, you can see Alex treats you better, right?” Riana nodded, despite not wanting Sam to be right. “And you liked when he kissed you, right?” Riana groaned.

  “Yes! Okay, fine. Yes, Alex treats me better than anyone else ever has. Yes, I absolutely love the feeling of his lips on mine and his hands on me. And yes, I can imagine being with him all the time. But he’s one of my best friends! What if, what if I somehow thought it would be a good idea to tell him this and he totally rejected me? I couldn’t take it.” Riana sat down on a bale of hay and tried to catch her breath. She wasn’t ready to admit these things. “I can’t imagine my life without him.” She confessed softly. “After everything happened with Ryan, the majority of my pain wasn’t the end of my relationship with Ryan,” She looked up and bounced her eyes between Sam and Lexi’s eyes. “it was that Alex wasn’t here by my side to help me through it.”

  “Ri, listen to yourself.” Lexi urged softly as she sat down next to Riana. Ri nodded as large tears welled up in her eyes. “What are you really trying to say?”

  Riana’s vision blurred as she met Lexi’s big, carob eyes that were softened with the unconditional love she held for Riana. “I’m…” Riana sobbed. “I’m trying to say… I’m in love with Alex.” Riana completely broke down as she let the words finally come out instead of burying them as deeply as she could. She fell into Lexi’s embrace as Sam came in behind her. Lexi and Sam both hushed Riana as they held their arms tightly around her. “I’m so in love with him.” Riana cried. “I need him.”

  “He needs you too.” Sam whispered. Riana closed her eyes tightly and hoped Sam was right, because she knew she was barreling down a road she wasn’t sure she could stop on.

  The ring of Riana’s cell phone tore them from the moment. It wasn’t Alex’s ringtone so she wasn’t sure who it could be. She pulled her phone out and was mortified to see Ryan’s number on the screen. Lexi saw it too and ripped the phone from Riana’s hand before she could decide whether or not to answer. “You aren’t to call her anymore.” Lexi snapped angrily after she picked up. She didn’t give him any time to respond and promptly hung up. “Tomorrow we’re going to town and changing your number.” She declared firmly. Riana nodded. Riana’s heart raced just at the sight of Ryan’s number. Riana had deleted his contact from her phone but his number was permanently engrained in her memory. If Riana was to succeed in walking away, she needed to be able to completely disappear from him.

  “Come on honey, let’s get you inside. I’ll come back out and take care of the horses.” Riana nodded again against Lexi and slowly got up.

  “Why would he call me?” Riana grumbled. She could still feel herself shake. She still despised the way he had any effect on her.

  “I’m sure because he’s used to you waiting for him to come back to you.” Sam guessed. “All you have to remember is you don’t have to put up with getting the bare minimums from him anymore because there is a wonderful man on the other side of the country willing to give you everything you deserve.” Riana sighed, frustrated with Sam and Lexi’s certainty when it came to Alex. She supposed they could feel that way, it wasn’t their life and friendship on the line. She started to think that sharing her feelings for Alex with them had been a bad idea.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  You’re Beautiful

  Friday October 6, 2006

  There was a sense of closure that overtook Riana after they changed her cell number. She had Lexi text the guys as Riana knew they’d never answer a call from an unknown number. Suddenly, she started to feel she might actually be able to move on.

  “So,” Lexi started as they sat out by the pool. Riana turned her head in Lexi’s direction. “Alex’s birthday is coming up.”

  “Oh shit! You’r
e right!” Riana exclaimed as she sat up. “I have no idea what to get him.” Riana turned frantic. She couldn’t believe in the midst of everything that had happened she forgot his birthday.

  “Well, maybe it’s not so much about what you get him, Ri. I was hoping maybe you’d think about coming back to New York with me and Sam for Alex’s surprise party.” Riana laid back in her lounge chair and closed her eyes. “I think seeing you there would mean more to him than any gift you might get him.” There she was again, overly confident about the dynamic of Riana’s relationship with Alex.

  “I’d really love to.” Riana admitted. She didn’t miss Lexi’s obnoxiously huge grin. “I’m just not sure I can.” Lexi’s smile faded instantly.

  “Yes you can Ri. I promise, you have nothing to be afraid of.” Sam assured.

  “Trust us.” Lexi said sternly. “Don’t forget, I have someone on the inside. If I thought at all it wouldn’t bring Alex immense joy to see you there I wouldn’t push you to go.” Riana glanced at Lexi over the top of her sunglasses. Riana knew Lexi would never purposely lead her astray.

  “Okay.” Riana sighed. “I’ll go.” Lexi and Sam both squealed happily and rushed to envelope Riana in an excited hug.

  Monday October 9, 2006

  Alex had discovered that perhaps Riana had a deeper effect on him than he originally thought. He already knew she was buried deep within his soul, he just didn’t think anyone would be able to effect his musical side the way she did. Once Riana had started to talk to him again the music was no longer difficult. He was able to let go, find the groove, and have fun with Matt and Derek again. D.M.A. was back on schedule, planned at a November release date and a winter/spring tour. Things started to feel right for him again.

  Alex laughed heartily on the phone with Ri. “Tell Lexi her boyfriend is an idiot.” He urged as he watched Derek man the controls as he made Matthew sound like a chipmunk on speed. Riana’s own laughter was back to normal. Alex was happy that apparently having Lexi and Sam there with Riana had helped her heal and move forward.

  “I’m glad you guys are having fun.” A smile radiated through her words.

  “We really are. It’s just final mixing now. Everything is looking great for a November release.” Alex replied as he leaned back and tossed his feet on the table in front of him. “We’re going to have a big party for it, you should come.” He blurted, then instantly regretted it. He wasn’t sure if she was ready to see them yet. More specifically he wasn’t sure if she was ready to see him.

  “Oh, but whatever would I wear?” Riana teased. Relief swept over Alex and he laughed deeply at her over the top demeanor.

  “Something hot for sure.” He declared. Riana giggled madly on the other end.

  “You, mister, are terrible!” Alex grinned, it seemed he would end up with his best friend back.

  Matthew yelled at Alex to get off the phone, but did so with an amused, playful grin on his face. “Ri, honey, I have to go. The diva is having a conniption.” Matthew’s eyes grew wide and Riana laughed. “I’ll talk to you tonight. Love you.”

  “Love you too.” She echoed before she hung up.

  Saturday October 14, 2006

  Riana felt as though she was out of her damn mind. She had to be to think this was a good idea. Sam, Lexi and Riana were on a plane to fly out to New York for Alex’s birthday party. They had all kept it a secret from Alex, seeing how Riana had made the ridiculous decision to finally tell him how she truly felt about him. Riana had fought it for a long time, too long, but had discovered a lot about herself in her solitude after the blow up with Ryan. The main thing she had discovered was somehow she had found love; real, honest, be the brutally raw version of yourself and still be loved kind of love. She had shown Alex the darkest parts of her soul and he had stayed. She wanted him to stay forever, which is exactly why she thought this plan was completely ludicrous. She knew it was one thing to handle her as a friend, she still doubted he’d want more. She knew the doubts were just a manifestation of her self-deprecation.

  There was something between Riana and Alex which had defied logic from the very beginning. It seemed the rest of the world saw it well before she did. Which led her to another downfall of falling in love with Alex; she knew the fans would always watch and judge their relationship. They’d done it consistently since July--before then really. Considering they had pictures from their first night together in Chicago, they had apparently been watching from the first moments.

  “Lex, what time did D say we should be at the restaurant?” Derek was the mastermind behind the surprise party to be thrown at the prestigious 230 Fifth restaurant. The knowledge that they would be with at least fifty of Alex’s closest friends and family was certainly not helping Riana’s anxiety.

  “Party starts at eight my dear.” Lexi affirmed as she double checked her text messages.

  “Yay…” Riana groaned unenthusiastically. “That gives me five hours to freak out.” She dramatically thumped her head against the tiny window next to her.

  “Oh stop.” Samantha laughed. “Everything will go swimmingly. Besides, the time will fly by. We booked appointments at the John Barrett Salon. Hair, makeup, massages. You’ll be absolutely perfect.”

  Riana chewed her lip and groaned internally. She was not typically one to get all gussied up, and Alex knew it. He’d suspect something was peculiar. She knew it wasn’t worth the fight now; Sam and Lexi had destroyed any and all of Riana’s arguments as of late. They did it out of love, of course, but it didn’t make it any less annoying.

  They landed just before three and hightailed to baggage claim. Riana hoped to avoid fans at all costs; not because she minded them, but because she truly wanted her arrival to be a surprise. Her anxiety increased as doubts crept in and scenarios of it all going horribly wrong played in her mind. She scanned the carousel as she spun her vertical labret. Lexi came up next to her, grabbed her hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

  Riana glanced over and smiled nervously at her. “Everything will be okay, Ri. More than okay. I really believe something great is going to happen tonight.”

  “You need to stop stressing, Ri. We have the hotel booked, your beauty appointments booked, and your outfit picked. All you have to do is show up.” Sam jabbered as she quickly grabbed her luggage from the carousel. Somehow, her words didn’t do much to calm Riana’s nerves.

  They hailed a cab and hastened to downtown. Memories of Riana’s last time in New York hit her quickly. First, memories of her book signing, which warmed her heart and brought a smile to her face. Then she remembered dinner, the studio, Matt, Alex and the pictures that started it all. Again Riana questioned if this was truly the best decision. Then the thought of Alex came to her, just Alex, without the opinions of anyone else or his status. She thought of their time together, and the way he made her feel. The plan, the decision to tell him, no matter how crazy it seemed, was right. She needed him. Not just the way she had him, she needed all of him. She knew she had to do this in order to finally find lasting happiness. For once, she believed that perhaps she deserved it.

  Their hotel was only two blocks from the salon, so they checked in, dropped off their bags then enjoyed a quick walk downtown. “I don’t want anything over the top.” Riana demanded as they took the elevator up to the penthouse where the John Barrett Salon was located.

  Lexi shushed Riana, “We only asked that your natural beauty be accentuated.” Riana sighed. She relented and figured it’d be nice if she did look her best as she made one of the biggest decisions of her life. She snorted and thought perhaps that was a bit dramatic, but it wasn’t as though the decision was insignificant.

  Lexi, Sam and Riana were greeted warmly by the receptionist of the salon and quickly ushered to a private room to change in anticipation of their massages. It was a calm and serene environment that provided Riana with a slight sense of relaxation as she laid on the table and awaited her massage therapist. Riana was thankful that her therapist didn’t feel the need to pa
rtake in small talk; Ri simply wanted to lay there and forget everything for a moment.

  A moment turned into forty-five minutes. The next thing Riana knew she was told she could take her time getting up, and that her stylist would be waiting for her. Riana took a deep breath and kept her eyes closed. There was an air of anticipation and excitement as she slowly got up, slipped on her robe and headed out to meet her stylist. As she opened the door from her private room she was met by a young woman with a glass of spa water and some fruit.

  Riana smiled graciously as she accepted the water and fruit from her then followed her lead to where Francisco, her wonderfully entertaining stylist, waited. Francisco was tall and thin, with beautiful green eyes against olive skin and silky black hair.

  Francisco was nothing but lavish and spunky right from the beginning. He told Riana how happy he was to work on such a superb canvas. Ri laughed and blushed as she sat down. Francisco turned her from the mirror and stated she was not allowed to watch him perform his magic. Lexi, Sam, Francisco and Riana gabbed happily while Riana was doted upon. Sam and Lexi were fawned over by their own stylists. “Mm, so what is this special occasion for which I have the honor of preparing you?” Francisco asked with an Argentinian accent. Riana’s blush deepened. “Ah, is for someone special, yes?”

  Riana nodded as the blush deepened so much she could feel tingles within her cheeks. “He doesn’t know I’m here.” She disclosed softly.

  Francisco gave a small squeal and radiated joyfully. “Oh sweetheart, you shall make a grand entrance.” He brushed a deep red lipstick over Riana’s lower lip quickly. Riana glanced over to Lexi and Sam. They were both captivated as they gazed at her. Francisco continued to work and provided last minute teased and pin backs to her hair.

  “I’ll go grab your dress.” Samantha squealed.

  “You’re putting me in a dress?” Riana exclaimed, but Sam had already disappeared to a back room. Riana laughed and shook her head. A dress was definitely not her everyday style. Professional pencil skirts and flattering tops, maybe, but not typically dresses.