Tomorrow's June

by Claudia Caget

  "Drafty and nasty. Why?" We were sitting in his living room, eating take-out Chinese food out of the little white boxes they came in.

  I told him that I was being 'evicted.' I wasn't prepared for what he said next.

  "Move in here."

  I was taken aback and elated, all at once. I looked at him quickly to see if he was kidding but he continued eating.

  "Really?" We hadn't progressed beyond the 'I'm not ready for a relationship' stage, or so I thought, even though I was there all the time.

  "Yea. There is plenty of room. Kyle and Brad live here on occasion."

  "Are you sure? I … "

  Noah interrupted me, looking me in the eyes. "I wouldn't have asked you if I wasn't sure."

  That's all I needed to hear.

  "There is an extra bedroom down the hall." I felt like I was hit in the chest.

  "Oh, okay." I tried not to look disappointed.

  "I'll show you." He put down his food and got up and I followed him up the steps. The room he was talking about was on the opposite side of the house from where his room was. It was small, but had a certain charm. That, and a small bathroom. Like I said, the house was really big.

  "I like it." I was really disappointed, but at least I would be living under the same roof as him, whether he wanted me as a girlfriend or not. I told myself I needed to calm the fuck down. Honestly, who moves in with someone right off the bat?

  "I'll take it. How much do you want me to pay for rent?"

  "No rent, just go in on utilities."

  "Okay." This was too weird. What would my family and friends say? I would just tell my mom I was living with friends, and tell Kurt, what? What would I tell Kurt? I had to start working on a lie.

  "We'll come over and get your things on Sunday," Noah said, volunteering his two friends, my new roommates.

  “That’s great. Thank you so much,” I said smiling at him. He smiled back.

  “Let’s finish eating.”

  We walked down the steps. I was thrilled that I would be able to get out of that apartment sooner rather than waiting.

  I told Kurt the next day at work that I found a place to live. We were in the kitchen of the Garden after our shift ended.

  "Really, where?"

  "Noah's house." I swallowed.

  "What?" Kurt shouted.

  "I have no other choice." I defended myself, worried about how loud he was being.

  "That is complete bullshit," he said, advancing towards me. "Why don't you move home?"

  I backed up. "You move home! I'm not doing that! I'm 26! Don't come any closer."

  The look on Kurt’s face was menacing as he grabbed my arm.

  "You are not moving in there," he said through clenched teeth.

  "You can't tell me what to do. We aren't going out. You aren't my boyfriend." I stood my ground, looking him in the eye.

  He flung my arm hard and pushed me away from him and stalked out of the kitchen.

  I was shaken. He never did that before. Suddenly, I wanted nothing to do with him. The nerve! Who the hell did he think he was? I walked out of the kitchen; it didn’t look like anyone in the dining room heard our little spat. Kurt was gone. I think it was time to find another job. I didn't work that weekend, and spent Saturday packing.

  Chapter 12

  On Sunday, Amy stood and watched while Noah and his two friends, Kyle, Brad, and myself, moved my possessions out of the apartment and into a waiting pickup truck. After I gave Amy the key and was leaving with the last box, she said something I wanted to slap her for.

  "I hope we can still be friends."

  "Yeah, I'll call you." With that I was gone. I had lived with Amy for four years and she was the closest thing I had to a best friend. I couldn't believe I was leaving this way.

  That night, the house was packed with people, as usual. I ended up alone with Noah in his room, getting stoned. After my blowup with Kurt, I had decided that Noah was what I wanted more than anything and I was going to do whatever I could to make sure that he was mine, forever. I was in the perfect position: I was living with him and sleeping with him. And even though I knew that this situation does not a relationship make, I wanted more. I wanted him to love me. My strategy to achieve this was simple: Get along with him at any cost. I decided that I wouldn't argue with him, no matter how wrong he was. I would be the easiest person in the world to get along with. I would give him nothing to complain about. I would be the happy, non-nagging girlfriend. I would be perfect. Even if I had to be his doormat.

  I resisted the urge to tell him about Kurt. Noah and I had no status yet. We were friends, we were lovers, we were roommates but we weren't all of those at the same time. As it happened, I listened to him talk about Serena, and then fell asleep in his bed.

  The next day, Monday, I woke up with an extreme headache and complete dread. This was the first day since my fight with Kurt and I had to work with him that night. I didn't want to and toyed with the idea of calling in sick. I needed the money, unfortunately. Oh to be independently wealthy.

  When I got to work, I found that Andy had left me flowers and a poem. I wanted to cry. At least someone loved me. Kurt spent the first hour hanging around Hannah, who worked early. After the day shift left, he followed me into the kitchen, the site of our fight. He stopped inches in front of me.

  "I'm so sorry I did that. Did I hurt you?" He rubbed my arm.

  "No, I'm okay." I bruised easily and anyone could plainly see finger marks on my arm from where he grabbed me.

  "Let's not fight. Okay." He cupped my face in his hands. "Okay?" He repeated as he kissed me. I cringed internally, wishing I were someplace else. This ship had sailed.

  "I see that Andy left you a poem and flowers," he said after letting me go and stepping back.

  "Yeah. That was pretty nice of him." I crossed my arms in front of me like a barrier as a slight chill moved up my spine.

  "I told Jeff that Andy was not to work with you because I think he has a "stalker mentality.'" Kurt used his fingers like quote marks around his mental health diagnosis.

  "Oh." Once again he was taking liberties by protecting me when I didn't need it.

  "When can we see each other?" Kurt was smiling as he advanced on me.

  "I don't know." I tried to sidestep both his question and him, because after the other day, something changed between us. I think it was the hint of violence. It was a little scary.

  "Why?" Kurt started whining, still moving toward me as I backed up toward the deep stainless steel industrial sink. I think that he believed if he acted like a child, I would have compassion for him. He was wrong.

  "I'm getting uncomfortable with this," I said, not lying for once. I wanted Noah wanted to be my boyfriend and I didn't want to lie to him.

  "What do you mean, uncomfortable?"

  "I mean that what if it works out with Noah? I don't want to be a cheating girlfriend from the start." I looked over my shoulder. One more step and I would be in the sink.

  "I still don't know what that means," Kurt said, his voice rising as he pressed his legs and pelvis against mine, his hands on my elbows.

  "It means that we can hang out but I don't want to do that other stuff anymore." I put my hands on his arms and tried to push him away from me as I bent backward from the waist.

  "But why?" Kurt was whimpering now. He was unmovable.

  "Because. This is ridiculous. You have a girlfriend." I struggled to move him.

  "Yeah, so?" He pressed his pelvis closer. I could feel his hipbones and his erection against my stomach.

  "Doesn't it bother you that you are being unfaithful?" My heartbeat thrashed in my ears as panic seeped into me. I couldn’t get away from him.

  "No." Kurt grabbed my shoulders, breaking my grip on his arms and pulling me close to him.

  "Well it bothers me." My voice was nothing but a rasp.

  "We can make this work." Kurt leaned down so face was inches from mine and he stared intently into my eyes.

&n
bsp; "No, we can't. You are unwilling to leave her. I am not going to sit around and wait for you anymore." It was hard to look at him and I averted my gaze.

  "What do you mean, wait for me?" This seemed to anger him. He shook my shoulders, my head snapping back and forth.

  “Kurt, stop. You’re hurting me.”

  He stopped shaking me and began to rub my arms. He was still pressed up against me.

  “What do you mean, wait for me?” He repeated.

  “Kurt, let me go. What if someone comes in?” He looked around as if realizing for the first time where we were and what he was doing. He stepped back, dropping his arms. The surprise on his face infuriated me.

  "What the fuck are you, dense?” I jumped away from him, trying to keep my voice low. “You are living with another woman. You won't leave her and be with me. I am not going to sit home and wait. Do you understand or are you so full of yourself that you can't see that?"

  "I think we can make this work." Kurt started toward me again, his arms up as if to grab my shoulders again. Panic filled me. I put up my hand to stop him.

  "No, we can't. You are pissed off that I am seeing other guys, but you won't leave your girlfriend for me. You have no right to tell me what to do." I glanced sideways at the kitchen door, moving toward it, eyeing an escape.

  "I'm sorry that you feel that way. Maybe you’re right." He stopped, dropping his hands. His eyes were wet and he looked like he was ready to burst into tears and then punch me in the face.

  "Yes, I do feel this way and yes, I am right."

  He recovered and half smiled. "I will win you back."

  I sort of smiled back at him but said nothing. When love is gone, it's gone.

  Chapter 13

  I wanted to quickly settle into a routine at Noah's, or my new house. When the band was practicing, I couldn't hear them in my room. Although three guys lived in the house, it wasn't as messy as one might think. For one thing, there was a dishwasher, so dirty dishes and cups didn't get piled into the sink; it was a matter of emptying the washer, that's all. There was also a washer and dryer that worked, so that is all I needed to be at home. The main bathroom was kind of gross, but I decided I would clean out the tub before I took a shower and try not to look at the rest of it.

  Although I still had my room at the end of the opposite hall, I was going to try and sleep with him every night if possible. Noah had a really good sense of humor when he wasn't talking about Serena. Unfortunately, that is all he talked about. "Serena and I went to the fair. Serena and I went on a trip. Serena and I went to the grocery store." It seemed a bit crowded in this relationship.

  If I wanted him I was going to have to wait it out. I was going to have to make him love me by my sheer presence. I knew that he would totally forget about Serena after he found out how cool I was. Who knows? He may even stop crying after we had sex.

  The problem was we hadn't talked about our relationship yet. By that I mean what it meant that I was living in his house. I wasn't quite sure I wanted to hear what he felt about it yet. For the time being, I was going to fly under the radar.

  The first month, I spent the majority of my time alone with him in his room. I watched him as he played guitar, his blond hair falling into his face, listening to his intense and complicated theories about the world. I didn't even like blonds, I thought as I stared at him one night. I quickly became addicted to the way I felt when I was around him. I didn't know if you could call it love, it was more like worship.

  I felt dipped in honey, unwilling and unable to move or leave his side. I didn't want to be away from him for a minute. I neglected my family, thought about him constantly at work, and when at home, stayed cocooned in his room with him whenever possible.

  I would have liked to think he was feeling the same way too. I could convince myself of anything. I was at work one night when the phone rang and I picked it up.

  It was Noah.

  "What time will you be home?" There was no hi or how ya’ doin’ or nothing.

  "Hi Noah. Around 10:30." He caught me off guard; Kurt and I were supposed to go for a drink.

  "What time does the coffee shop close?"

  "10:00. It takes time to clean up.”

  "Oh" Silence. “Okay.”

  "Did you need me to pick up anything? Beer or ?" I let the question hang in the air, waiting for him to jump in.

  "Yeah, you can get some beer."

  “Okay, I will be home a bit later than 10:30 then.” I said, hanging up the phone, confused and a little thrilled. It sounded like he was feeling a little possessive and that was a good thing as far as I was concerned.

  I turned around to see Kurt staring at me intently from across the prep station.

  "What?" I averted my eyes. His intensity was still a bit much to take.

  "What did the boy wonder want?" Kurt's sarcasm was back with a vengeance.

  Right after Kurt and I “broke up," things were strained at work. We continued to work with each other, however. Apparently Jeff didn't get the memo that we were no longer seeing each other and continued to schedule us together.

  We had to call a truce after a week or so of ignoring each other even though he did not apologize for manhandling me. My fear of him slowly dissipated and work became almost pleasant again. The rush of sneaking stolen kisses in the kitchen was gone, but I told myself that this kind of behavior does not a relationship make. We stopped talking about Noah altogether. I didn't get as jealous about Hannah. It had been nice, until now.

  "What do mean, boy wonder?" I busied myself with wiping down the counter.

  "Nothing. Are we going out for a drink after work?" Kurt didn’t approach me to rub my arm like he used to. These days, he kept his distance.

  "Oh, I don't know."

  "Sonofabitch."

  "Cut the drama. We can always go out some other time." I whirled around and looked at him.

  Kurt pouted for the rest of the evening, while I stood around and tried to figure out what the hell Noah meant by his phone call. He sounded upset. I searched my mind trying to figure out why. When I left the house, he was okay. I wonder if something happened. I would find out soon enough, I guessed. His attitude had me walking on eggshells when I got home.

  "Hi," I said as cheerful as possible when I walked in the door, later that night with a 12-pack.

  Noah barely looked up. "Hey."

  I walked the beer into the kitchen, placing it in the refrigerator, grabbed two and went back into the living room where Noah was sitting on the couch with his guitar.

  "Is everything okay, Noah?" I asked as I handed him his beer.

  "Yeah, why?" He looked up at me and then quickly looked away, sounding annoyed, like I was an insecure girlfriend looking for assurance.

  "Because you sounded upset on the phone." I sank down on the couch next to him.

  "I just wanted to know what time you would be home. We needed beer," Noah said, looking at me like I was crazy.

  What the fuck? That is not how I remember the conversation going at all. Arguing with him seemed pointless though.

  I silently got up and went up to my room, which didn't see my presence very often, and closed the door. I was shaking with fury.

  Fuck that asshole! I could be having a good time right now, but no, here I am. What a dick. I turned on the T.V. and fell asleep to it. It was the first time I had slept in my room since I moved in.

  The next morning I ran into Noah in the kitchen. He was all smiles.

  "What happened to you last night?"

  "I fell asleep in my room." What the fuck?

  "I missed you," he said, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me on the cheek.

  OK. I didn't know what the hell was going on. He was all pissed last night and now he was being nice. I was confused. It was nice to be hugged and kissed and missed, I guessed. I didn't argue with him because it still would have been pointless.

  He continued to hug me, his hands traveling down my back over my hips and to my butt. />
  "Are you gaining weight?"

  "What? No. Do I feel like I am?"

  "I don't know. Maybe."

  I wrested myself from his grasp and went to the bathroom to look in the mirror. I didn't look any different, I thought. My clothes still fit, didn't they? I went upstairs just to be sure.

  I tried on every pair of pants I owned. They all fit fine. I stripped down to my underwear and looked at my body from every angle in the full-length mirror on the back of the door. I looked the same.

  Nevertheless, I decided that I would switch to light beer, try not to drink every day, and start running on a regular basis. Oh, yeah, I would stop eating so much bread. That should do it. Even though I couldn't see any difference in my body, Noah obviously could, so it must be true.

  I started running every other day. I hadn't run in a while, so my knees and legs ached in my off time. I was limping down the hall a week later when Noah stopped me.

  "What time are you getting off work tonight?"

  "10:30, same as every time I work nights. Why?" I rubbed the front of my thighs.

  "I am going out with the guys so I won’t be home when you get here."

  Going out with the guys? This was definitely new behavior on Noah's part. "Uh, okay." At least he was letting me know. I could make plans with Kurt, who was thrilled to hear I was free. Kurt was a lot of things, but he was a great drinking buddy.

  We went to our favorite bar and tied one on. We didn’t have to work in the morning and Hannah was out of town visiting her mom, so Kurt and I celebrated and shut the bar down.

  Kurt tried to cajole me into spending the night at his apartment just as “friends.” He never quit, that one. I declined.

  I came home to an empty house at 3 in the morning. Apparently going out with the "guys" meant Noah was going out with Kyle and Brad, our sometime roommates, because they weren't home either. I wondered where they were and why I wasn’t invited. I kept telling myself I really wasn’t Noah’s girlfriend as I drifted off to sleep in my own bed. It was the truth. I still had more work to do on that front.