WOYZECK:
No, sir.
CO:
Makes me bloody tired, that’s what it does, Woyzeck, all this working out what to do with my bloody time. (pause) And then the Chaplain talks about eternity being promised as a reward! That’s what depresses me about going to heaven. Just think of it, Woyzeck, all that time going on and bloody on, that’s what eternity will actually mean, just more and more time to be filled up with enervating thought about even more enervating actions.
WOYZECK:
Why don’t you become a convert to the other side, sir, then you wouldn’t have to tire yourself out with even the thought of it.
CO:
No guarantee, that’s the problem with this religious stuff, Woyzeck, no guarantee. Whichever way. . . . Why aren’t you shaving me? The bloody soap dries and then it’s. . .
CO waves his arms under the sheet. WOYZECK lathers him up again, but cannot get started as CO begins to talk again.
CO:
Then again, the Chaplain tells you eternity is really only a moment, the click of the fastest camera shutter. At the same time it’s going on and bloody on. Work that one out, Woyzeck! (pause) Mind you, I can sort of understand it. It is and it isn’t, if you see what I mean. It is and it isn’t. Eternity. Beyond our comprehension. But we’re supposed to regard it as something very much worth having, worth dying for, some sort of reward when we die, for being good. Whatever that means. (pause) The Chaplain must know about it. After all, that’s what he’s bloody paid for, eh, Woyzeck? The Army wouldn’t pay him not to know about it, would they, Woyzeck? And you’re paid to shave me!
WOYZECK begins to shave the CO again, but repeatedly has to break off to accommodate the CO’s garrulity.
CO:
You must have another thirty years in you, Woyzeck. I’d say you were good for another thirty, at least. So what are you in a hurry for? Thirty years. . . .that means 360 months. . . . thousands and thousands of days, God knows how many minutes, an eternity of seconds. . . . . So what’s your bloody hurry to shave me this morning?
WOYZECK:
It’s Marie, sir, her labour began just as I was coming out this morning. . . .
CO:
I didn’t know you were married, Woyzeck.
WOYZECK:
I’m not, sir.
CO:
What’s this then, Woyzeck, bringing a child into the world without the blessing of the Church, as the Chaplain would say? As the Chaplain no doubt bloody will say!
WOYZECK:
I don’t care what he does say, sir. He’s not an officer like you, sir, is he, he can’t give orders about these things.
CO:
He can make things bloody difficult for you with God, Woyzeck, bloody difficult! No eternity for you, Woyzeck! No eternity!
WOYZECK:
Then I won’t have your problem to worry about, will I, sir?
CO:
(almost petulantly) Yours’ll be worse!
They are silent: WOYZECK gets on with the shaving.
CO:
Why aren’t you married then? Too mean?
WOYZECK:
It only costs a few shillings, sir. But it can cost £100 or more to get divorced.
CO:
So you’re thinking of that already!
WOYZECK:
No I’m not, as it happens, sir. It’s just that there’s so many things happen to a man without him wishing for them that I don’t reckon he should pass up the chance of avoiding trouble later on so far as he can.
CO:
I don’t quite understand that, Woyzeck. Why don’t you get married like the rest of us?
WOYZECK:
As far as I’m concerned I am married. We love each other and that’s that. No civil servant or Chaplain saying some words and charging a few bob can make it any different, now can they, sir?
CO:
That’s not the point.
Pause: WOYZECK has nearly finished the shave.
CO:
This your first, then, Woyzeck?
WOYZECK:
Yes, sir. (pause)
CO:
Another thing that worries me about eternity, Woyzeck, at least I suppose it’s to do with eternity, is the speed the world is going round at, the way it’s going round – every day, round, every day, round, continuously. Oh, I know it’s to do with the sun and the moon and the planets, but what’s in it for me, eh, Woyzeck? What’s the bloody point? And where’s it all going to end? (pause) I get bemused, just to think about it, bemused, Woyzeck. And whenever I see anything going round it reminds me of it, usually, Woyzeck. That doesn’t help my bloody concentration. (pause)
WOYZECK:
Sir.
WOYZECK has finished shaving. He pulls off the sheet, and begins to tidy away his shaving things quickly but neatly.
The CO gets up slowly, inspects himself at length in a hand mirror WOYZECK has given him, pulls his face about masochistically.
WOYZECK finishes packing his things away, and stands waiting to be dismissed.
CO:
You’re a fair barber, Woyzeck, I’ll give you that, yes. (pause) You look even more tensed-up today. Why do you always look tensed-up? I mean, what is it that constantly makes you look as though someone’s going to clobber you with a meat-axe?
WOYZECK:
I don’t know sir. Do I look like that?
CO:
Yes, you do, Woyzeck. Any reason for it? Conscience clear? Bowels regular? I know you’re getting your oats regular – ah, but no, you’re not, perhaps, since she’s having a baby. But husbands are allowed some licence at such difficult times, you know, Woyzeck!
WOYZECK:
I’d never be unfaithful to her, sir. That would be the end of our. . . .marriage. It would be the end of it, it wouldn’t exist anymore. . . .it couldn’t. . . .
CO:
Rubbish, Woyzeck, you’re not going to tell me you haven’t missed your little bit of the other.
WOYZECK:
Oh, I wouldn’t deny I’ve missed it, sir, I’ve certainly missed it. But the. . . .sort of forced going without it has made us like. . . .brother and sister. . . .and it’s a good feeling, sir, it’s something more than we had before, it’s extra, like a bonus, now we’re that as well as being lovers. It hasn’t been hard, sir. And when we’re lovers again it’ll be that much better, won’t it, sir?
Pause. CO does not answer. Stares out of window. WOYZECK is clearly impatient to leave.
CO:
Appalling weather we’re having.
WOYZECK:
Yes, sir.
CO:
This wind reminds me of my Aunt Sara, Woyzeck. She would never pass wind outright, my Aunt Sara, she’d just let it come sighing out, a long, soughing, susurrating sort of sigh, soft, and you’d only just pick up the sound of it halfway through. Sometimes it would be the smell which hit you first, a smell like cow-elephant droppings. Ever been in the East, Woyzeck?
WOYZECK:
No, sir.
CO:
Ah. (pause) A real old trouper, my Aunt Sara. (pause: then suddenly he rounds on WOYZECK) What worries me about you is that you’ve got no morals, Woyzeck, no morals at all! Or the morals of a stoat. A stoat. You know what a stoat is? Well, they’ve got no morals either. You ask the Chaplain, he’ll tell you. I’m telling you. Your union and its offspring have not had the benefit of holy sacrament, Woyzeck!
WOYZECK:
With all respect, sir, don’t you think that battle was fought and lost some time ago?
CO:
Watch it, Woyzeck, watch it! It may have been for some people, all these damned leftwing progressive nignogs. But what they don’t realise is that there are whole areas, huge numbers of people, untouched by their so-called advances. And the Army’s one of them. For some people and the Army there are eternal verities, Woyzeck, eternal verities! Either the eternal verities are eternal verities or they’re not. And they are. They wouldn’t be called eternal verities otherwis
e, would they? I mean, they wouldn’t be called that, would they? Woyzeck!
WOYZECK:
Sir! (coming smartly to attention)
CO:
Say something! Answer me!
WOYZECK:
Yes sir! I can’t understand these things as well as you can, sir, but if you say the Chaplain thinks God is annoyed that our little baby isn’t going to have a few holy words said to him, then perhaps God will let me know. . . .
This is said so ingenuously that the CO does not know whether to take him seriously – whether WOYZECK is sending him up.
CO:
Well, get the Chaplain to explain some time, Woyzeck. I haven’t got time to worry about every bastard’s bastard in the Army, have I? What do we pay the Chaplain for? Just take it from me that you’ve no morals, and that that’s not a good thing and won’t get you into Heaven and you won’t be rewarded with Eternity. You don’t want to go to Hell, do you, Woyzeck?
WOYZECK:
No, sir, I suppose not, though as I said I don’t really understand these things as well as you do. If Heaven’s anything like what it is down here, I reckon they’ll want people like me to clean out the latrines or something.
CO:
Of course they won’t! There aren’t any latrines in Heaven, you berk! That’s why it’s Heaven!
WOYZECK:
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir, that makes it a little clearer.
Again the CO does not know which way to take this.
CO:
Don’t think I’m not sympathetic, Woyzeck. I try to be. The old organ still lets me know whenever there’s something worth. . . . . I mean, I’m flesh and blood as well, you know. I know what it is. . . . and I’ve had children myself. But I try to do the decent thing, the decent thing, (pause) I didn’t really have an Aunt Sara, Woyzeck. I made it up to cover up for a fart I was indulging myself in.…
WOYZECK:
It doesn’t seem important, sir.
CO:
Of course it’s important! You don’t hear your commanding officer confessing to a lie every day, Woyzeck! (pause) But there was a chap called Reynolds when I was a cadet who could fart at will. Unbelievable, he was, Woyzeck, unless you saw him at it. One afternoon we were at camp somewhere or other, and word went round that Reynolds was going for his hundred. Dozens of us crowded into that belltent and watched him, down on all fours in the so-called canine position, his face puckered and grimacing with the effort at about the half-century but later relaxed and confident as he got his second wind. You should have heard the cheer that went up from us cadets as he made it, Woyzeck, it would have made you glad to be alive! “Reynolds has done the ton!” the cry went round, and even the officers were impressed. (pause) Reynolds got himself killed in the war, poor bleeder. (pause) Shell blew an even bigger hole in him. (pause) But he’ll live forever, that man. (pause) Ton-up Reynolds. (long pause) You see, Woyzeck, you’ve got to be a decent chap, and you’ve got to have morals. Otherwise you’re sunk.
WOYZECK:
Yes, sir, well, I suppose I’m not a very decent sort of chap.
CO:
You’ve got the makings of a decent chap, Woyzeck, the makings. A very decent chappie! Don’t despair. You worry too much: I can see it. You get too tensed-up. You’ve got me all tensed-up, too. Don’t take things so seriously. Don’t think so much. (pause) Don’t take things so seriously, and think what I’ve said about morals, Woyzeck, stoats and morals. Right! (WOYZECK comes to attention) Dis. . . . .miss! (WOYZECK breaks into a run, but before he has gone far:) Halt! Watch it, Woyzeck, don’t run! March, smartly – when I tell you! Right. Remember – no tensing-up, stoats, morals. (pause) Dis. . . .miss!
Exit WOYZECK, with CO watching.
BLACKOUT
SCENE TWO
WOYZECK and ANDRES cross the stage at a fairly fast pace.
WOYZECK:
. . .comes over me, Andres, a great black feeling of a disaster about to happen, or my luck running out, something catching up with me. . . .
ANDRES does not answer, but indicates they should hurry, not worry about talking of anything. Exeunt.
BLACKOUT
SCENE THREE
Lights up slowly. Marie’s room. A bed, kitchen table, chairs, mirror, side-table: all cheap but clean.
Marie lies in the bed and Joan sits by her, nursing a newborn baby.
Enter WOYZECK, slowly, slowly, staring, twisting his cap in his hands.
ANDRES follows, stays by the door to one side.
JOAN rises as WOYZECK comes nearer, holds out the baby to him. WOYZECK takes it, but his eyes are on MARIE.
WOYZECK:
Is it. . .all right?
JOAN:
Of course! Perfect, a perfect baby boy! Your son!
WOYZECK slowly looks down at the baby: then at MARIE again. MARIE smiles, holds out her hand to him.
BLACKOUT
SCENE FOUR
The terrace of a café: indicated by placard if necessary. Sunlight. MARIE, WOYZECK, JOAN and ANDRES sit at a table: the men drinking beer, the girls coffee. The men relaxed, the girls in summer dresses, happy.
Other soldiers, students, girls, at other tables.
FIRST STUDENT:
(sings) If I’m bound for Hades
I’ll go with some ladies
And drive a Mercedes. . . .
ANDRES:
So then he goes and volunteers! The only one! The first thing you learn in the Army is not to volunteer for any bloody thing!
MARIE:
What is it, Franz?
WOYZECK:
An extra half-day’s pay, that’s what it is!
JOAN:
But what do you have to do for it? I don’t see the Army giving away an extra half-day’s pay without getting a weekend’s work out of you!
ANDRES:
That’s what I said to him!
MARIE:
But what do they want you to do, Franz?
ANDRES:
He doesn’t know! They just asked for volunteers to take part in a scheme run by the Medical Corps – vivisection, probably, something too cruel to use animals for.
WOYZECK:
Don’t be bloody stupid, Andres. I just know we need the money, and this is an easy way to earn it. You don’t get many chances to earn extra in the Army.
MARIE:
But will they hurt you, Franz?
WOYZECK:
Of course not. (He comforts her.) It’s probably like being a blood donor. You know, if you give blood they give you half a day off to make it up again. It’ll be all right. Just think what we can do with the money!
ANDRES:
I still say don’t volunteer for nothing. You don’t catch me volunteering for vivisection by an Army Doctor!
WOYZECK:
How do you know what it is?
MARIE:
When will you know, Franz?
WOYZECK:
(to audience) Tomorrow.
BLACKOUT
SCENE FIVE
Medical Corps office. A desk, behind which sits DOCTOR ONE, staring at WOYZECK, who is sitting apprehensively opposite him. DOCTOR TWO stands behind and to one side. Medical charts, case history files, and instruments are lying about. Scene to be taken very fast.
DOCTOR ONE:
You’re very lucky to have been given this chance, Private Woyzeck!
DOCTOR TWO:
Very lucky indeed!
D ONE:
A chance to help us push back the frontiers of medical knowledge. . .
D TWO:
Inch by inch we push back the frontiers, Private Woyzeck. . .
DOCTOR TWO accompanies this by a suitable inching gesture. WOYZECK still looks apprehensive.
D ONE:
There are many who must envy you being given this chance to help us in this great experiment. . . .
WOYZECK:
Experiment?
D ONE:
What we want you to do is this. . . .
D TWO:
Just let us explain what we have in mind. . . .
D ONE:
In the next war. . . .
D TWO:
Which of course we all hope will not take place. . . .
D ONE:
But when it does we must be very carefully prepared. . . .
D TWO:
Can you blame us?
D ONE:
It seems likely, having regard to all the possibilities. . . .
D TWO:
Considering all the envisaged circumstances. . . .
D ONE:
That the land will be in large tracts laid waste. . . .
D TWO:
Laid bare, largely denuded of vegetation, defoliated even. . . .
D ONE:
And that as a result our soldiers may be reduced to subsisting on the most unlikely sources of sustenance. . . .
D TWO:
Living off what’s left on the land, Private Woyzeck, after being cut off from their cookhouse by enemy action. . . .
Well Done God! Page 14