DOCTOR ONE brings up a great bundle – about half a sackful – of green vegetable matter and places it on his desk with a dramatic gesture.
D ONE:
Know what this is, Woyzeck?
D TWO:
Never come across it before?
WOYZECK:
Well, it looks like. . . .
D ONE:
It’s moss, Woyzeck. . . .
D TWO:
Sphagnum moss. . . .
D ONE:
(spells) S-p-h-a-g-n-u-m. . . .
D TWO:
(spells) M-o-s-s. . . .
D ONE:
In the hinterlands of our enemies, Woyzeck. . . .
D TWO:
Obviously places unlikely to be regarded as military targets. . . .
D ONE:
Having regard to general overall strategic assumptions. . . .
D TWO:
As we do, of course. . . .
D ONE:
In these hinterlands, then, there are many bogs. . . .
D TWO:
Huge areas of our enemies’ hinterlands are just a mass of bogs. . . .
D ONE:
And what do we find in bogs, Private Woyzeck?
D TWO:
What is most commonly found in bogs?
WOYZECK is about to tell him, grins.
D ONE:
You’re right, Private Woyzeck: moss!
D TWO:
Sphagnum moss!
D ONE:
It grows all over the bogs. . . .
D TWO:
The conditions suit it. . . .
D ONE:
The bogs are its natural element. . . .
D TWO:
All that water. . . .
D ONE:
Which our soldiers could drink. . . .
D TWO:
To wash down the sphagnum moss. . . .
DOCTOR ONE holds up a handful WOYZECK looks at it doubtfully.
D ONE:
Try a little. . . .
WOYZECK takes some in his fingers, looks at it, puts it in his mouth, chews slowly: obviously not enjoying it. The two doctors stare at him expectantly, raptly.
D ONE:
You’ll notice at once that this is not your ordinary moss, Woyzeck.
D TWO:
Not your common or garden Webb’s Wonder moss, oh no. . . .
D ONE:
There wouldn’t be any point in finding out if a man could live on that. . . .
D TWO:
After all, our own homegrown gardenfresh sphagnum moss is just not the same as theirs, is it?
D ONE:
I mean, be reasonable. . . .
D TWO:
Give us the benefit of the doubt. . . .
D ONE:
We are thorough. . . .
D TWO:
We are nothing if not thorough. . . .
D ONE:
And this sphagnum moss is the genuine article, Woyzeck. . . .
D TWO:
None finer. Guaranteed pays d’origine. . . .
D ONE:
(reverently) This moss, Woyzeck, was cut less than twenty-four hours ago in the hinterlands of our enemies. . . .
D TWO:
Cut with stealth before dawn broke. . . .
D ONE:
And flown here by channels which we are not at liberty to disclose. . . .
D TWO:
Under the Official Secrets Act. . . .
D ONE:
But we can tell you that brave men’s lives were risked to see that that moss reached this desk safely. . . .
D TWO:
Brave men’s blood may be shed before our experiment is over. . . .
D ONE:
But the moss will get through, never fear, Woyzeck. . . .
D TWO:
The moss will be here for you every day, fresh. . . .
They pause, look at WOYZECK intently. He says nothing for a long time, looks at them, and the moss, takes some more, looks at it, chews again, swallows hard.
WOYZECK:
Well, I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad if you cooked it and had a nice pork chop and gravy with it.
Both doctors laugh.
D ONE:
You wouldn’t get a nice pork chop in the enemies’ hinterlands, Woyzeck!
D TWO:
Nor gravy, neither!
WOYZECK:
You mean I’ve got to eat this stuff and nothing else?!
D ONE:
That’s it. Then we shall know if our men can survive when stranded in the bogs of our enemies. . . .
D TWO:
Cut off from their essential supplies. . . .
WOYZECK:
Nothing else?
D ONE:
Nothing. . . .
D TWO:
Only the moss. . . .
WOYZECK:
Christ!
D ONE:
You can’t back out now!
D ONE:
You can’t back out now!
D TWO:
We won’t have you welshing on us!
WOYZECK:
How long for?
D ONE:
An indefinite period. . . .
D TWO:
See how it goes. . .
D ONE:
You’ll come to like it. . . .
D TWO:
You won’t want to go back to your old carnivorous ways. . . .
D ONE:
You’ll provide us with a good deal of invaluable information. . . .
D TWO:
The Army can learn a lot from you, Private Woyzeck!
D ONE:
The nation, as well!
D TWO:
You’re doing it for your country, Private Woyzeck!
D ONE:
We’ll introduce variety, of course. . . .
D TWO:
Poach it, grill it, braise it. . .try it all ways. . . .
D ONE:
We want to compare how much of the goodness is left after various methods of field cooking. . . .
D ONE:
See how many of the vitamins there are left after say boiling. . . .
D TWO:
Whether you get beri-beri if there’s no B-one. . . .
WOYZECK:
But how do you know whether this stuff can feed a man?
D ONE:
We don’t. . . .
D TWO:
No. . . .
D ONE:
That’s the experiment. . . .
D TWO:
That’s what we want to find out. . . .
WOYZECK:
But surely you can find out what’s in it with all your machines and apparatus?
D ONE:
Too many imponderables, Woyzeck.
D TWO:
Too many unknowns. . . .
D ONE:
A test-tube is not a man, you know. . . .
D TWO:
We need a man to test it properly.
D ONE:
You’re a sort of flying testbed, Woyzeck.
D TWO:
A kind of test pilot. . . .
D ONE:
The navy found a man could live on seaweed, if he had to, Woyzeck.
D TWO:
And we in the Army can do better than that!
D ONE:
Just think, you’ll probably be saving the lives of hundreds of your comrades. . . .
D TWO:
Live to fight another day. . . .
D ONE:
Doesn’t it appeal to you?
D TWO:
You’ll go down in history, man!
Pause
D ONE:
Doesn’t matter either way. . . .
D TWO:
You can’t back out now!
Silence. WOYZECK looks depressed
D ONE:
(brightly) You can drink as much as you please, Woyzeck!
D TWO:
As much as you like!
WOYZECK:
/>
Well at least I can get drunk enough to face the stuff, then.
Doctors laugh, as before
D ONE:
He’s mistaken us again!
D TWO:
Hasn’t fully comprehended our gist!
D ONE:
Drink as much water as you please, Private Woyzeck!
D TWO:
Feel free with water.
D ONE:
Our information is the bogs are full of it. . . .
D TWO:
Available on a plentiful scale. . . .
D ONE:
So a soldier could in fact drink all he wished. . . .
D TWO:
We won’t insist on mud and other extraneous matter being added, of course, for the purposes of the experiment. . . .
D ONE:
That would be going too far. . . .
D TWO:
Far too far. . . .
Doctors laugh again. WOYZECK gets up to go. DOCTOR ONE puts the moss into his arms.
D ONE:
Oh, one last point regarding water. . . .
D TWO:
When you’ve finished with it, that is. . . .
D ONE:
We’d like it. . . .
WOYZECK:
You’d like it?
D ONE and D TWO:
(Together) We’d like it!
DOCTOR ONE and DOCTOR TWO:
(sing) Please retain your water, Private Woyzeck:
Don’t dispose of it the customary way:
When you feel you want to pass
Employ this calibrated glass
And report to us at 9 and 6 each day!
***
Do please retain your water, Private Woyzeck:
It’s so little for the Army to expect:
But if carrying it’s a fag
Then we supply a plastic bag
Just as long as we receive what you reject!
***
So don’t fail us with your water, Private Woyzeck:
You know we have your interests at heart:
But if you fail us with your water
Then there’ll probably be slaughter
So watch it, Woyzeck, watch your private part!
BLACKOUT
SCENE SIX
Marie’s room: as before, with the addition of a cot. Evening. JOAN and ANDRES, eating. MARIE is cradling the baby.
MARIE:
(sings) The child who sleeps in my arms tonight
Is child of darkness, child of light:
The boy who stands in his place tomorrow
Will already have known delight and sorrow
The man whose part he takes in turn
knows too well how to love and spurn:
The elder who replaces them last
knows all will be, and all is past:
And each child held towards the light
Is every child, on every night.
MARIE:
Who’s a little basket, then, and who’s father’s an even bigger basket? But I love you both. As long as you stay quiet and he comes home soon.
JOAN:
Aren’t you going to eat too, Marie?
MARIE:
Later, perhaps. I don’t seem to have the same appetite since Franz started this experiment. My stomach’s in sympathy, I suppose.
ANDRES:
Mine isn’t.
JOAN:
That’s obvious. You wouldn’t give up anything that mattered to you for my sake.
ANDRES:
Why should I?
MARIE:
They had the first pay parade since he started this afternoon, so he’ll be bringing the extra home tonight.
JOAN:
Has it been affecting him?
MARIE:
I don’t know. . . .he doesn’t say much. He worries to himself, I know. But he’s always been like that.
JOAN:
He thinks too much, that one.
ANDRES:
He didn’t think too much about going in for this bloody experiment. . . .
JOAN:
That’s to his credit, you fat animal! All you think about is food and crumpet!
ANDRES:
What else is there to think about?
A tapping at the window. Marie looks questioningly at the others, then goes to window and is relieved as she sees who it is.
She goes to door, admits WOYZECK. He seems tired, almost distant, but embraces her warmly.
MARIE:
Why were you tapping at the window, Franz?
WOYZECK does not answer, looks at her, smiles.
WOYZECK:
You’re right, it’s more important to ask questions. (pause) Than to answer them. (pause) Here!
WOYZECK gives MARIE money. She is pleased, forgets her question, goes across to put the money away on her dressing table.
WOYZECK turns towards the other table, looks briefly, sadly, at what JOAN and ANDRES are eating, then goes to sit on the bed.
JOAN:
Well, how are you, Franz?
WOYZECK:
Andres will tell you. Did I cut less wood for the CO than you did today?
ANDRES:
No.
WOYZECK:
There you are, then. (pause) My stomach must be shrinking, though. I don’t feel nearly as hungry as I did the first few days. (Long pause: when he speaks again it is directed to MARIE: he seems unaware of the others) It’s much worse since I’ve only been eating this. . .weed. Today, when Andres had gone with the wood we’d cut. . .it came on me again. (pause) It’s like a dense haze, a great hanging pall of. . .desolation which comes down on me. . . .and I can’t see anything else. I couldn’t see to think of anything else at all: yet there the things were, all around me, the axe, the trees, the bright, splintered wood. It’s not as if it were unreal — it’s real enough. But (carefully) it just doesn’t mean what it looks like. (pause) It’s as though the world were dead, still there, still existing, but dead! (pause) While this. . .haze is on me, it might just as well be dead, everything, it’s just meaningless. Nothing means anything to me (looking at MARIE) except you. And the baby. When I think of you, then the greyness seems to lift, I can move again, moving has some meaning for me. . .again. (pause) You know what I’m talking about, don’t you Marie? You understand? (MARIE comes across, stands by him, cradling his head against her). You know me, you’ve always known me. But just this week it’s come twice, the grey pall, and it’s been longer each time before I’ve been able to think of you, and move again, be interested in moving again. . . .(pause) It follows me, I carry it here. (pause) I carry you here with me! (long pause)
BLACKOUT
SCENE SEVEN
A fairground. A sideshow advertising Nudies. A Barker outside, with a showgirl next to him. During his spiel, a crowd collects: eventually it includes WOYZECK and MARIE, ANDRES and JOAN: later the DRUM MAJOR and the CORPORAL: other soldiers and students.
BARKER:
Here you are, you lucky soldier lads, all the lovely nudies you could possibly want to see, with absolutely nothing on! If they took any more off they’d be like skinless sausages. What more can you want? The show is this minute about to begin. No waiting at the nudies show. Instant nudies! Here’s your own show, here are your very own nudies! This is your nudie show, get your nudies here! No connection with any other establishment. (Pauses, nods at girl). It breaks my heart to give something for nothing, but look at this (taps girl with cane) — not skinless, mind you, but you boys have got imagination, haven’t you? And what you imagine — and more! — is waiting for you!
The Showgirl begins to dance, with the BARKER looking on.
CORPORAL:
How about this, then?
DRUM MAJOR:
None of that tat for me, boy, I want to screw it not look at it!
DRUM MAJOR gooses JOAN: she turns angrily, appeals to ANDRES: ANDRES takes one look at the DRUM MAJOR and moves away: JOAN angry with him.
JOAN:
/> Aren’t you going to. . . .?!
ANDRES:
No I’m bloody not!
They move away: they take WOYZECK and MARIE in their wake, thus bringing MARIE to the attention of the DRUM MAJOR and the CORPORAL.
DRUM MAJOR:
Here! Now that’s what I call a very fair bit of grumble!
CORPORAL:
Very fair indeed!
MARIE has obviously heard, but takes no notice. WOYZECK turns his head, looks at the two soldiers: he is still enough in possession for his look to put them off for the moment.
Well Done God! Page 15