D ONE:
We weren’t discussing shock. It’s a different thing from apoplexy.
CO:
We weren’t discussing that either in the first place. Come on, let’s get on. Who’s this?
They turn towards the beds, coming first to ROBERTS.
D ONE:
Roberts, sir, a most interesting case. This man came to us complaining of pain in the thorax, a sharp pain. And he yelped most realistically whenever we prodded him there. So we took x-rays of him and do you know what, sir?
CO:
Of course I don’t know what, man!
D ONE:
We found he had two darning needles lodged in him!
CO:
No! How the hell did they get there?
D ONE:
He says he doesn’t know, sir.
CO:
What! (to ROBERTS) How did two darning needles get into your vitals, eh, man?
ROBERTS:
I don’t know, sir.
CO:
What d’you mean, you don’t know!
ROBERTS:
If I may respectfully say so, sir, perhaps you should ask the doctor how two darning needles got into his x-ray machine.
D ONE:
Impossible. No one darns in the x-ray room.
ROBERTS:
No one darns in my dinner, either. . . .sir.
D ONE:
(smiles) Anyway, we shall be opening you up tomorrow, Roberts. However, they got there, out they’ve got to come.
As they move away, DOCTOR ONE speaks confidentially to CO.
D ONE:
Fascinating case, that. What we call the Munchausen Syndrome. Patients who deliberately swallow objects so that they can get themselves looked after in hospital. He probably wrapped the needles in cotton wool to get them down him. But we don’t know which sort he is yet. There’s two sorts, you see. One kind are masochists who actually want to undergo a serious abdominal operation. The other kind merely want a rest in bed at the expense of the hospital, and they almost always make a run for it as soon as surgery is mentioned. Some of them we catch, however. And operate. (smiles) We’re pretty sure Mr. Roberts will be here in the morning, sir.
CO:
But soldiers walk around with all sorts of bits of metal in them. Got a lump of shrapnel in me myself.
D ONE:
Yes, sir, I was the one who left it there. . . .
CO:
My god, it’s Woyzeck! I hardly recognised you! You don’t seem to be helping very much with this experiment, Woyzeck! Look at the state you’ve let yourself get into!
WOYZECK has raised himself at the CO’s voice.
D ONE:
Ah, you know this very interesting case, do you, sir?
CO:
Of course I do. The new man doesn’t shave me as well as you did, Woyzeck. When are you coming out?
WOYZECK:
I don’t know, sir. (to doctor) Do you have to let me starve before you can call the experiment a failure?
D ONE:
(laughs) Of course not, Woyzeck, of course not. We’re very much keener on it being a success. Just you concentrate on making the experiment a success.
WOYZECK looks disheartened.
CO:
I’d like a chat with this man, Doctor, for a few minutes. I’m sure you’ve plenty of other things to do. . . .
As the CO turns away he gives some indication to the DOCTOR that this is as they had planned: a glance or something which WOYZECK cannot see: or perhaps not if what comes later must seem a complete surprise?
D ONE:
Of course, sir. I shall be in my office when you are ready to continue with the inspection.
Exit DOCTOR ONE, The CO sits down at the side of WOYZECK’s bed.
CO:
At first I thought I’d bring you a bunch of grapes, Woyzeck, until I remembered what you’re in here for. Then I was going to get some flowers, but you’d probably have eaten those. . .even.
WOYZECK looks at him, knowing he is lying.
WOYZECK:
I wish I’d never volunteered for this job, sir.
CO:
You’ve got to see it through now, Woyzeck!
WOYZECK:
I know, sir.
CO:
This is the Army you’re in, you know! You do like being in the Army, don’t you? (pause: WOYZECK does not answer) Why did you join the Army in the first place, Woyzeck?
During the following long speeches WOYZECK shows signs of mind-wandering, of initial mental disturbance, which takes the form of fast-speaking, repetition, unnatural pauses, and so on.
WOYZECK:
Well, because I chose to, I admit. (pause) I could have done all sorts of things when the moment came to choose, I suppose, when I left school, that is. I could have tried to be all sorts of other things, I know that. And when I think of it I could have done something pretty exciting, too, knowing what I know now about myself and the way I can do certain things. But, well, when I left school it seemed the best thing open to me to do, joining the Army. I think we always choose the best of choices we think are available to us, don’t you agree, sir?
CO:
That’s not saying very much, is it?
WOYZECK:
Oh, I don’t mean it always turns out to have been the best choice, sir: but it seems so at the moment you have to make the decision. Well, when I had to make the choice about what to do for the next few years, the Army seemed the best thing. You know how when you’re young your thoughts are dominated by sex, completely dominated — well, mine were, I don’t know about everyone, though my mates seemed to think of nothing else as well, so there must be something in it, but not many people, especially as they get older, seem to realise it, or remember it: when you’re seven-teen or so you can be so eaten up with sex that it seems to affect everything you do. Certainly that’s how it was with me — I could see that girls felt proud to be seen out with a man in uniform, of being out with a soldier, which meant you were a man, a real man. And that’s really why I made the decision, sir, stupid as it may sound now. Joining the Army is such a big thing to make a decision about in a way like that. I just didn’t consider the fighting bit, or that I might so easily be killed. And only when I was in it did I find out how boring it was really, and how stinking the food. . . .
CO:
Hrrrmph!
WOYZECK:
Sorry, sir, but you got me going. I’ve been lying here with not much else to think about the last few days but how I got myself into this state, and since you asked me I’d like to talk about it. The sex in general was why I joined, but in particular there was one special girl I wanted to impress, and I thought I could do it with the uniform and appearing to be a man. . . .and so on. It didn’t work. There seemed to be other. . . .forces at work, sir, which had forced us apart in the first place and kept us apart even though I tried to change things so. . . .much. . . .
The CO shows signs of restiveness, of wanting something to be over: but WOYZECK’s fever is such that he can hold his listener: and for some reason the CO will not use his rank to stop him.
WOYZECK:
The man she did take up with left her with a kid after two or three years and I felt a kind of pleasure in that, sir, and I know that doesn’t put me in a good light, but can you understand? It seems logical enough to me, anyway. But there I was, stuck in the Army, and I hadn’t got what I thought I was going to get out of it, what I joined for. But I made the best of it, just as I’m trying to make the best of this job, sir, and I found that in doing that I actually got something better. Do you find that happens, sir? It’s as though if you expect nothing, then anything you do get is a bonus. And I found after a while I actually liked the limitations, the regularity of everything, even the discipline. When your choices are limited, so are your responsibilities, aren’t they, sir? For a long while the only thing irregular about my life has been my bowel movements. Funny, that, isn’t it sir? As though some part of m
e had to revolt against the routine!
WOYZECK laughs far more than the remark is worth: the CO smiles awkwardly.
WOYZECK:
Oh, I know it’s not how you regard the Army, sir. To you it’s a career, and you were meant for it like priests are meant for the church.
The CO is about to say something, but WOYZECK goes on.
WOYZECK:
But I sort of just fell into the Army, in any sense that really matters. Then a couple of years ago I met Marie, and everything seemed to fall into place. No, that’s not right. What happened was that it didn’t seem to matter any longer what job I did — Marie doesn’t care what uniform a man wears, that’s beside the point for her, she’s not that sort of girl. It just altered my life completely, meeting her, marrying her, though not in your sense, sir. . . .
CO:
No. I was just going to remind you that the church had not blessed your union. . . .a source of displeasure to me, Woyzeck, as you already know. . . .
WOYZECK:
I know, sir. But one way or another, the church seems to demand a great deal in return for its blessing, doesn’t it? And with Marie and me it just isn’t necessary. . . .We’re as much married. . . .
CO:
Yes, yes, you said that before, and it’s not the point, though I can’t exactly remember what the point is. You should see the Chaplain.
WOYZECK:
He hasn’t been anywhere near me since I came in here, sir. Whereas Marie comes every morning. . . .
WOYZECK grins for the first time in this scene.
CO:
That doesn’t prove anything, Woyzeck!
WOYZECK:
No, sir? All I was trying to show you was that Marie and me are what we are together without anything outside having to matter to us one way or the other. As soon as we came together it was as though a great burden had been lifted off me — now I could get on with the real business of living, now I could live. . . .
CO:
I don’t see it, Woyzeck. You haven’t seemed to improve yourself in the years I’ve known you. You seem just the same to me — a fair barber, a worrier about nonsense.
WOYZECK:
Let me put it this way, sir. Life is so bloody awful in general, the only way you can make anything of it is by having someone to help you — no, I’m putting it badly. . . . I’m losing the thread of what I’m trying to say. . . . If there’s someone else who’s in it with you. . . .relying on you. . . . .There’s a lot to put up with. We all have to put up with it, sir. Yes, that’s it, in general, sir. I’m able to deal with. . . .things since I’ve been together with Marie. Oh, I still get fits which come over me, I still get very depressed. . . .but now I can cope, sir, with Marie’s help. . .And then there’s the baby. . . .(Long pause) So. . . .you do know what I’m trying to say, sir? Even if it’s not what you think sir, not what you’d agree with?
CO:
Sometimes I feel. . . .You’ve made it easy for me, in a way, Woyzeck. . .A hard task. . . .But really for your own good. . . . .and that of the Army. You are still in the Army, Private Woyzeck!
WOYZECK:
Yes, sir!
CO:
For your own good. . . Woyzeck, your simple confidence is like a cut-throat razor on which others slash themselves, you hurt them without intention. . . .You’re basically a very decent fellow, you know, Woyzeck. It’s for your own good, you know. . . .
WOYZECK:
What is, sir?
CO:
(Pause, then, with difficulty:) Your. . .Marie. . . . is having it away with someone else!
Long pause while this sinks in.
WOYZECK:
Sir, you must be having me on. . . .
CO:
Not me, Woyzeck, your commanding officer! I tell you she’s being knocked off by a drum-major from this very camp!
WOYZECK:
(pause) Not a tall. . . .about six foot two, black hair. . . .? The bastard! (recovering) She wouldn’t. . . .I know her, sir, she wouldn’t. Why, she was in here this morning to see me, I know her so well, I’d know immediately if she. . . .
WOYZECK thinks. Pause.
CO:
Did she look you in the eyes, Woyzeck?
Obviously WOYZECK has remembered some evidence corroborating the CO’s story:
CO:
I don’t lie, Woyzeck. I’m your commanding officer!
Nevertheless, after a long pause, WOYZECK tries again.
WOYZECK:
Look, sir, I’m a poor enough sod as it is, and I have nothing if I don’t have her. For crissake, if you’re joking, tell me now. She’s all there is! (pause) Sir!
The CO does not answer, stares at him. Very long pause while WOYZECK cracks up. Suddenly DOCTOR TWO bursts in, highly enthusiastic, waving a pulsometer reading on a piece of paper.
D TWO:
Bloody well done, sir! Look at this! His pulse went all over the shop as you told him, the breathing became shallow and irregular, and as for his blood temperature! I’d never hoped to see a reading that high! And we even registered the classic symptom of failure to control the sphincter muscle!
The CO gets up, moves away, somewhat disgusted at what he has done.
CO:
D’you mean the poor bastard shit himself?
D TWO:
Crudely put, sir, crudely put. We do not employ such terms in science.
CO:
It’s the same bloody thing even if you do use the Latin for it!
D TWO:
I wouldn’t know about that, sir. My concern is with the truth of science.
CO:
It would be.
DOCTOR TWO goes over to the side of WOYZECK’s bed, removes a hidden camera, detaches the remote shutter control. The CO sees what has been happening.
CO:
You even spied on the poor bastard with a camera as well!
DOCTOR TWO does not answer: is still triumphant: Exits. CO goes back to WOYZECK, who is lying back as if unconscious, very pale.
CO:
Look, Woyzeck, you’re basically a very decent chap. (pause) You know I think that, Woyzeck. I’ve told you often enough before, haven’t I? (pause) Woyzeck. (pause) It had to be done this way. It was part of the experiment. They wanted to know what your physical reaction would be to extreme emotional stress. Our men are going to be very grateful to you for this work, Woyzeck. Very grateful. . . .
Long pause. WOYZECK recovers enough to try for the last time to make it into a lie.
WOYZECK:
Sir. . .you mean it was just the experiment?
CO:
Of course. Nothing personal, you know. . . .
WOYZECK:
She isn’t really. . . .it was all lies, sir?
CO:
Oh no, Woyzeck, it had to be true. I can’t make myself a party to telling lies. You must know that. But I only agreed to do it because of the experiment. The way it was put to me, it was made to seem my duty. You must understand that, Woyzeck. It was no less than my duty. Not only for the experiment, but for your own good. You should know the truth. I have the best interests of the men under my command at heart, Woyzeck. You must know that by now. The best interests. . . .basically a very decent. . . .Woyzeck. . . .
The CO exits, silently, backwards, leaving the three patients alone, Roberts has been looking at WOYZECK sympathetically, but the audience should notice this only if they take their eyes off WOYZECK.
WOYZECK:
Yes. . .and yes once more, sir. The gulf between yes. . . .and no. . . .the difference it can make. . . .Yes, sir! No, sir! tell me more lies, sir. . . .no lies, sir, no more! There can be no more. . . lies. . . .
Slowly WOYZECK comes out of what is a state of shock and looks wildly around. Very slowly he eases himself up his pillow, looks around again. Eventually he notices the third man’s bed: his eyes fasten on the fact that the man’s food is untouched. He looks round once more, and again tries to lift the bedclothes: fails. Then he sees the man’s w
alkingstick between the two beds, reaches for it, grasps it at the second attempt, hooks at the third man’s bedrail with it. Eventually he hooks it, but in pulling all he succeeds in doing, such is his weakness, is to pull himself out of bed, crashing and groaning on to the floor.
As he falls, ROBERTS leaps out of bed and goes round to help him. ROBERTS lifts WOYZECK back into bed, goes back to his own tray and gives WOYZECK what food there is on it. WOYZECK looks at it, at ROBERTS, then falls to, ravenously. ROBERTS goes round to the third man’s bed and takes the tray from the foot. The he turns suddenly to WOYZECK after looking at the occupant.
ROBERTS:
Hey! He’s dead! This one’s dead!
WOYZECK hardly registers any emotion: he is too busy eating. ROBERTS gives him the second tray, returns slowly to his own bed. After he has settled in bed:
ROBERTS:
Eat, rest until this evening. (pause) I’ve always found hospitals as easy to get out of as to get into. . . .
Well Done God! Page 17