Know Your Roll

by Matthew Siege

  “You like?” He asked.

  I was pretty sure that was the first time he sought my approval. “No,” I said. “I love.”

  “Good. Illgott’s on da way here with da rest of her. Just so ya know, der’s a quicker way in ‘ere for him and us, now. It wouldn’t open ‘til we presented enough of da Magics to the lock. Plus, it ain’t as dramatic.”

  “What does he have to do with all of this, anyway? Illgott knows a lot.”

  “I locked his family into a Pinky Swear a long, long time ago. Poor bastard. When da last *shtuck*ing crew bailed and I saw dat da Mech wasn’t gonna be ready for da unveiling, I tried to stop da bleeding by selling her guts to whoever could use ‘em. Only condition was dey had to stay close an’ keep ‘em safe, in case I needed ‘em later.”

  “Like now, you mean?”

  “‘Xactly.”

  I left Bingo behind and walked closer. I was thrilled to see a doomsday weapon handed to us on a Silvertongue platter, but with every step it was getting harder and harder to believe that we’d be able to use it.

  The Mech was, at best, a gutted disaster. It was maybe 12 feet tall, though it might be bigger when all the armor plating was replaced. There were long braids of thick wires spilling out of the cockpit, and so many pieces on the ground that I didn’t know where to look.

  Patch was running her hands lovingly across the parts spread out before her. “It’s going to be okay,” she said to them, hopping up and hurrying over to the Mech itself. “I’ll round up the Dregs that worked at the Foundry with me and we’ll get you up and running. Promise.”

  Bingo grunted. “It’s a scale model. Proof a concept, and all dat. Shoulda been a few hundred feet high, but dere wasn’t ore for it. Woulda been fine, if da investors hadn’t gone all chaotic stupid on us…”

  Of course. It all made sense, now. “This is what the Hype Train was promoting? The Mech’s the reason you reversed the Platform and called all the Heroes to the mountain, getting almost everybody killed or oppressed along the way?”

  He didn’t bother denying it. “‘Twas. Dey got impatient when we hadda keep pushin’ da presentation back. ‘Fore we could make t’ings right, da Raid had already begun.”

  “Well,” I told him, “Get ready for history to repeat itself, because this thing’s not going anywhere.”

  “Not wit’ dat attitude.” He grabbed the handlebars of one of several hoverhauls that’d slid over to us and butted it up against the Mech’s chassis. When it was in place he reached up and swung open a wide compartment in the lower left part of the vehicle’s torso. There was a cramped, reinforced blast chamber in there, complete with a three-point harnessed seat practically smashed against an impressive cylindrical generator.

  I knew I was staring at the heart of the Mech, and it gleamed with purpose. The rest of the construction was mismatched and inelegantly dangerous in appearance, but the powerhouse in front of me now was nothing short of inspirational.

  “Who sits in there, next to that?” I asked.

  “Me.” Bingo planted his feet and grabbed a pair of release levers, cranking them toward the unseen ceiling. The entire dynamo dropped out of its housing and on to the hoverhaul with a tremendous clash.

  “Careful!”

  “Relax. How’s ‘bout you get useful, ‘stead of backseat dismantlin’. Stop mopin’ and start getting’ ‘er done. Get back ta me when she’s ready. In da meantime, I’ll be makin’ dis purr.” He turned toward a hangar door that opened to reveal a shortcut back to the main part of the mountain, up near Source and the food pools.

  “You’re not going to work on it here?”

  “I’m pretty sure we got access to da workshop next door, complete wit’ liquor cabinet. I can’t be dis hungry an’ dis sober an’ listen to da inevitable bickerin’.”

  I stepped in front of him, ignoring the fact that he was taller than me. “Are you nuts? You can’t plant this seed in Patch’s head and then just ditch me! She’ll never come back down from this.”

  Contested Friskiness Roll

  Raze: 8

  Bingo: 12

  Result: Raze Failure

  Damage: 0 (Grapple)

  Bingo’s hand lashed out and grabbed me by my throat, hauling me into the air with ease. “I told ya, dere’s nothin’ wrong wit’ dat girl. Ya fancy yerself as da brains of dis outfit, but she’s both da heart and da soul. Forget dat, and I’ll butcher ya where ya stand.”

  He let me go and I landed on my feet, rubbing my neck before turning my head to make sure Patch hadn’t been watching us. She was too busy ‘ooh’ing and ‘aw’ing over the Mech, though. “Fine,” I croaked, “But if I’m the brains and she’s the heart and soul, what does that make you?”

  He chuckled, turning his back to me and pushing the hoverhaul ahead as he walked back into the mountain. “Ain’t dat already obvious? I’m da *shhtuck*ing asshole.”

  Chapter 29

  Ten minutes later, Patch still wasn’t listening to me.

  I tried again. “For the last time, there’s no way we can pull this off.”

  “Sure we can!” she shot back.

  “You keep saying that…”

  “Because you keep saying that other stuff! What do you want us to do, give up? This thing’s ours, right when we need it most. Do you think that’s a coincidence?”

  I felt like punching her in the nose so that she’d see the world for what it was instead of what it could be, just this once. “It doesn’t work, and there’s no time to fix it.”

  THE BRAWL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING

  begins in

  7 hours - 27 minutes - 41 seconds

  Patch stomped her foot. “We’ll do what we can with the time we have.”

  Damn it, this is like talking to a wall with boobs. “And we’ll fail!”

  “So what?” she demanded. “Since when has failing stopped us? My whole life has been full of rolls I couldn’t make against Heroes I couldn’t stop, and so has yours. We’ve never been able to do anything other than endure, and now that we have a chance to stand up for ourselves you want to quit? Coward.”

  That last part stung. “Bingo quit, last time.”

  “He shouldn’t have.”

  “I always quit. You’ve told me so yourself a bunch of times.”

  “Then maybe this is a good time for you to quit quitting.” She balled her hands into fists and I flinched instinctively, fearing for my eyes again. “You and Bingo can do what you want, but when the doors open I’ll be here, trying to make the Mech do her thing right up until the end.”

  She glanced across the hangar bay when she said that, and now that Patch had called attention to them I spotted the colossal doors set into the stone. Their hinges were bigger than the tallest spire in Hallow, and when they opened we’d be less than 50 feet from the basin and the battle.

  “Go on,” she said, “run and hide. Maybe you can find a hole to weather the storm. If you’re lucky, the Heroes may still have a desk they can chain you to, once it all blows over. I’m going to fight them, though. Me and Blasterella will go down swinging.”

  It was a brave speech, but that didn’t stop me from cocking my head at her. “Time out. Did you just christen my Mech?”

  “I did,” she said, defiant.

  “That’s a terrible name.”

  “Okay. How about this. ‘Me and War-Lock will go down swi-”

  “No. Warwick’s already one of the good guys, so that’s just confusing. Besides, warlocks are men and I’m already used to the Mech being a girl.”

  “Mecha Lecca High Mecha Heinie Hoe?” she asked, undaunted.

  “Never.”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “Whatever. I’ve got a million names, and I’m going to paint my favorite on the side as soon as you leave. Quitter.”

  “Now you’re just being ornery.”

  “Correct.”

  I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “Screw it. Let’s see how much of her you can repair, at least.” I slapped my hand against the
Mech’s leg. “What’s the worst that c-”

  My Knack went off like a string of fireworks between my ears, thundering through me.

  Level 1 M.E.C.H. (Mobile Executioner Conquest Headquarters)

  Designation: Five Magic Catalyst

  Configuration: Three Player Co-op Scale Model

  Class: N00b-PWNZOR

  Tonnage: 16

  Hard Points and Weapons by Location

  Right Arm

  Triple-barreled ‘Venomous Goblin’ Lead Throwing Chain Gun

  Damage: 3d10 per projectile cluster

  Damage Type: Kinetic

  Rate of Fire: 15 rounds per second per barrel

  Range: .5 Miles

  Ammunition Capacity: 900 rounds

  Additional Ammunition Storage: 3 Drums of 900 rounds

  Reload Time – 30 seconds

  with Ouroboros Caustic Laser Sight

  Damage: 1d4 per round

  Damage Type: Energy

  Rate of Fire: Continuous when toggled

  Range: .5 Miles

  Ammunition Capacity: N/A

  Additional Ammunition Storage: N/A

  Reload Time: N/A

  Right Shoulder

  ‘Banshee Flux’ Sonic Radar and EMP Crowd Controller

  Damage: Nil

  Damage Type: Sonic

  Rate of Fire: 1 Pulse per 10 seconds

  Radar Range: 1.5 Miles

  Special: Supercharging the Banshee Flux will emit a sonic shockwave that has a chance of short-circuiting neurons and electrical equipment. The M.E.C.H. is shielded from the effect, but Radar function will be lost.

  Right Torso

  Alchemical Storm Missile Swarm and Rocket Battery

  Damage: 8d10 per rocket

  Damage Type: Explosive with optional Alchemical Delivery

  Rate of Fire: All or Nothing

  Range: 5 Miles

  Projectile Capacity: 10 rounds

  Additional Ammunition Storage: 30 Projectiles

  Reload Time: N/A

  Left Shoulder

  Head Canon’ Superiorly Designed Recoilless Artillery

  Damage: 25d10 per round

  Damage Type: Electromagnetically Propelled Kinetic Slug

  Rate of Fire: 1 round per minute

  Range: <100 Miles

  Ammunition Capacity: NA

  Reload Time: Manual Reload

  Left Arm

  Vorpal-Bladed Voidsaw with Flame Spewer Underbarrel Attachment

  Damage Type: 3d10

  Range: Melee

  Ammunition Capacity: 100 Gallons of Burner Fuel

  Additional Ammunition Storage: Nil

  Reload Time: N/A

  Total Weapon Mountable Hardpoints: 5

  Armor by Location

  Cockpit: 10

  Right Arm: 20

  Right Shoulder: 15

  Right Torso: 25

  Center Torso: 30

  Left Torso: 25

  Left Shoulder: 20

  Left Arm: 25

  Right Leg: 20

  Left Leg: 20

  “So,” Patch asked, once my ears stopped ringing. “I’m not wrong in thinking that this kickass bitch is the most awesome thing that either one of us has ever seen, right? All of that artillery, and it looks like it just stepped off the cover of a Judas Priest album!”

  Now that I knew what I was dealing with, it was hard not to feel the fuse inside me ignite. “It is, without a doubt, the wettest dream I’ve ever had. And I don’t mind saying that I’ve had some doozies…” I clambered up the Mech, finding hand- and foot-holds that may as well have been designed specifically for me.

  The cockpit was calling, and after a couple of seconds I had my Gearblin ass planted squarely in the driver’s seat.

  There were hundreds of buttons, levers and switches up here, though a lot of them were missing. The only saving grace was that the custom joysticks that’d operate the Mech’s movement remained, though the area around them was a yawning chasm of exposed wiring without anything to protect me from getting electrocuted.

  I could only imagine the firepower the guns could throw at the squeeze of a trigger, and the paired accelerator pedals on the floor of the compartment’s frame promised both speed and maneuverability.

  Patch had climbed up after me, and she pointed to a ledge on the left of the instrument panel. I followed her finger with my gaze and found a pair of goggles beside a leather bomber cap. “You’re the Leadfoot, which makes the cockpit all yours. I don’t think anyone would blame you for considering those a Mech-warming present.”

  “Don’t mind if I do.” I dropped into the seat and picked up the headgear with trembling fingers.

  Basic Mechworthy Bomber Cap

  Description: A leather cap with large earflaps, a chin strap, and a short bill commonly turned up at the front to show the fur lining. Designed to keep a Pilot’s head and ears warm and often paired with goggles.

  Use: Although it may not be much now, this item can integrate a large number of upgrades and improvements. Includes high fidelity speakers in the ear flaps and a hidden microphone on the chinstrap.

  Durability: 10/10

  Enthralled, I put the bomber cap on. It was a perfect fit, allowing a few wild tufts of my purple hair to stick out. Next, I took the goggles

  Goggles of Google

  Description: Specialized glasses in a leather frame designed to fit snug to the face to protect the eyes from particulates, water, chemicals and glare. Stylin’ ‘n’ profilin’!

  Use: Even without the plethora of available Modular Enhancements available on the open market, these optical aids allow the user to Identify People, Places, and Things at a distance of 50 yards.

  Durability: 10/10

  and put them on.

  Us Dregs had never gotten Christmas to catch on, but that was probably because the gifts we gave each other were nothing like the ones the Mech had just given me. They were simple enough objects, but they suited me perfectly and I doubted I’d be seen without them very often.

  Patch gave me a wolf whistle. “Damn… You look good, Raze.”

  “Yeah? I feel good, too.”

  She batted her eye at me. “You’d look even better helping me reassemble the control panels using a combination of your vast electrical know-how and experience in hotwiring the arcade machines when Illgott wasn’t looking, though…”

  “Subtle.”

  “Subtle’s not something I’ve ever strived to be. Can you see a way to start this thing up?” she asked, peering in upside down as she looked for an ignition switch.

  I should have been searching for one too, but gravity and the neckline of her crop top conspired to captivate my attention.

  “Any luck?” she asked, still searching the cockpit.

  “Huh?”

  “Eyes on the prize, Raze.”

  “They are!”

  She pried a bolt the size of an Oreo from the Mechanical’s scaffolding and chucked it at me. I didn’t have to roll, which probably told me that she’d missed me on purpose.

  “Okay, okay! Relax. We’re supposed to be putting it together, not taking it apart…” I tore my eyes away from her cleavage and scanned the existing controls amongst the array of missing buttons, toggles and switches. I didn’t see anything I recognized as being linked to the Mech’s startup sequence. “I don’t think I know how to turn this on.”

  “Well, that’s what she said. Also, you’ve got a little more than seven hours to figure it out. I’m the Mech’nic, so leave the armaments and armor to my team. But this,” she said, waving a hand expansively at the interior I was already thinking of as ‘mine’, “is your domain, Leadfoot.”

  “What about Bingo?”

  “He told me he was an Engine’r. I’m guessing that means he’ll be running the reactor he wandered off with.”

  “Where do you sit?”

  “Down there, I think.” She aimed her gaze past the bottom of the seat I was perched in. I peered into the void beneath my foot p
etals and saw another reinforced compartment similar to Bingo’s. Hers was on the left and much roomier. The two alcoves were separated by triple-laminated, presumably blast-rated Mechronite.

  Patch’s chamber was filled with monitors and electrical panels while Bingo’s was cramped, built around the now-absent generator. They each had their own padded chairs, though I couldn’t help but notice that mine was much more luxurious.

  Also, it could spin, presumably so that I could use each of the consoles arrayed in a semicircle around me.

  I stood up on my seat and looked down at the ground outside. We were high up, and from this elevation it felt like I was surrounded by a vast sea of parts and peripherals spread out in every direction. As impressive as the Mech was, until it was put back together it was nothing more than modern art.

  “It might look overwhelming right now, but I think we can make it work,” she told me.

  There it is again. ‘We’. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, pulling the goggles down over them and, for the first time that I could remember, actively encouraging the traitor spark of hope I hadn’t been able to snuff out to burn into something brighter.

  You wanted a chance? Well, here it is. Grab it or don’t, but the bitching about the world’s unfairness stops right here.

  “Whatever you do, don’t you dare lose hope.” I heard Mother’s words in my ears so clearly that I opened my eyes and looked for her.

  She wasn’t there, though.

  “Did you say something, Patch?”

  “Nope.”

  “Weird. Anyway, you know what?”

  “What?”

  “We’re dead either way. No point in going to our graves without showing those bastards outside what a few Gearblin with some hours to spare can do.”

  “Really?” Patch was watching me with justifiable suspicion, but I wasn’t trying to fake her out.