Oskar Blows a Gasket
Page 20
Gareth shook his head numbly. “Kip cared about you. He was the only one who did.”
“I know that now. Back then, I didn’t know my own name. I woke up in a hospital bed and with my son gone. Everything gone.” He wept. “When I was a kid, I lived in a children’s home. You know that, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And what do you think that was like?”
“Horrible. Being bullied and no-one loving you. Like school.”
“No! See, that’s the thing. I was the bully. Me! It wasn’t horrible at all! I had people running after me, and I had this face and pretty soon I learned how to manipulate them all into doing exactly what I wanted. And that’s what I’ve always done. I have never had a proper relationship with anyone, honey. I don’t know how! I thought I was using them, but it turned out they were using me too.” He stroked Gareth’s hair. “Everyone except you.”
Hearing Dad say the very words he had thought for so long was a punch in the gut, but oddly, he only wanted to console.
“I’m sorry. I’ve upset you. I just wanted it all out—cards on the table. I know I am a fucked-up human being and I will never be a good enough father to you. I want you to know that—I get that. OK?” Tears pricked again at the back of Gareth’s eyes. “But I want to be! You know? I’ll try and I can learn. I can never be good enough, but I can be better than I was.”
And that was all Gareth had ever wanted—a dad who desired to be better than absent—a dad who wanted him around.
“I’m not the same person. There will be no more drugs and stupid parties. I’m doing therapy and talking about stuff I should have faced years ago. I’m not that same guy.”
“That’s what Jim said.”
“Did he?” Dad laughed softly. “Well, he’s usually right.”
“You don’t have to…turn yourself inside out. You had me the minute you opened that door, Dad. I never gave up on you. I told John I had, but I didn’t really. I knew—or I hoped—those parcels were from you. I kept telling Oskar to stop tracking Jim, because if it had turned out to not be you, I would have been gutted all over again.”
He tried to find the anger of school and desertion. It was gone, replaced by images of Dad alone and sick. “We can work on everything else. I don’t understand why you didn’t come and find me as soon as Jim did—but I can see you tried really hard with the parcels and stuff. Obviously, I’d rather have had you! But you’ve forgotten that because it’s been so long. I think we’ve got all out of track with each other. I want you to be there as my dad more than anything.” He gulped. “And thank god you left Bubble with Kip, because I don’t think I’d be able to forgive you for leaving him on his own. Not ever.” He leaned over to scratch Bubble behind the ear.
“But you can forgive me for abandoning you?”
“Oh, yeah! Easily. Already did. I might think about it later and get pissed. Or I might even use it against you if we fight! But basically, I forgive you. I don’t understand, but that’s OK. It’s enough that you’re here. That’s massive, Dad. Massive. It’s not really about forgiving, is it? It’s about understanding and being honest.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“No. But you got me anyway.”
Chapter 19: Electric Dreams
Oskar
Dear Mum,
Sorry I haven’t written. Been busy at work and keeping the flat together. Haven’t had any trouble from anyone. No news. How are you?
Oskar
****
Gareth
“I don’t know the hostel number. Or this number? I never called anyone before,” he told Jim. “Actually, I’m not sure if the hostel has a phone?”
Jim smiled knowingly and indicated a pad with a list of numbers. “It’s there, under ‘Gareth’. See? That’s you. The name on the top of the list. First number is the hostel, the other a mobile phone.”
“I don’t have one.”
“No, I know you don’t,” Jim spoke slowly. “That was coming to you in the next parcel. See?” He smiled cheerfully. “The hostel phone is in the corridor, I expect. You never seen the others chattering away making calls?”
Gareth tried to remember, but all he could think about was Oskar. “Maybe?” He stared at the phone. It had been years since he’d used one, and it was something he knew he was no good at. “I’m not very good on the phone.” Jim picked up the receiver and began dialling. “I won’t know what to say. What if he isn’t there?”
“Rubbish. You said you were no good at talking either, but see how you got your dad going?” He placed it in Gareth’s hand. “Go on, now.” The phone against his ear sounded like a tunnel. He listened to four rings.
“There’s no-one in,” he said desperately.
“Leave it a while! Those kids are lazy buggers, lounging about. Take them at least five minutes to get off their arses. You young people have no phone skills!”
Gareth’s heart pounded. He wasn’t sure if he wanted anyone to answer. The phone clicked, and a voice said, “Yeah?”
“Oskar?” Gareth knew he was shouting. “Oskar? Is that you?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t waiting by the phone or anything. I picked it up because it was pissing me off, ringing.”
Gareth cradled the phone. “Hello,” he whispered. “Can you hear me?”
“Yeah. Can you hear me?” Oskar coughed. “Hello.”
Gareth looked around quickly, but Jim had gone and Dad was too far away to be able to hear. “I miss you. Are you OK?” He stroked the phone, pretending it was Oskar. “Sounds like you’re miles away.”
“Well, I’m not. I’m at the hostel.”
“I know. Are you OK?”
There was a pause. Gareth imagined Oskar playing with his hair, trying to balance the phone on his shoulder. “You didn’t tell me,” Oskar said in his sulky voice that sometimes heralded the beginning of a hissy fit. He would be pouting, perhaps with one hand on hip. When he got back to his room, he would blast one of three songs and then shout at everyone to shut up. Gareth stroked the phone again. His hand was sweaty.
“I know. I’m sorry! I promise I’ll explain it all to you. It was…so complicated. Can you come here for lunch tomorrow? Or—or now if you want!”
“For luncheon?” Oskar said in an extremely over-the-top voice. Gareth couldn’t tell if it was teasing or spiteful. “No. Got studying to do. Not all of us can be playing happy families with film stars.” There was a clunk, and then the line went dead. Gareth carefully placed the phone back on the stand and stared at it. Almost immediately, it rang so loudly he jumped back in alarm.
“Hello?” he said stupidly, then picked it up. “Hello?”
“You lied to me! I hate that. What was I? Your bit of rough on the side?” Oskar shouted. “You told me you were an ordinary boy, not a poncey millionaire’s son. All that shit about your loan and if you had enough cash, and it was all bollocks.”
“I didn’t lie. I never said that. And it was true about the loan.”
“Fuck off.”
“I hadn’t seen Dad for eighteen months, Oskar. I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. He could have been dead for all I knew. I’m sorry…” Gareth’s voice trailed away.
“You knew he was the stalker but you let me keep tracking and making a fool of myself.” Oskar’s breathing went erratic. “You were laughing at me. Letting me do that rota and all the notes!”
“No! I’d never laugh at you. Please let me explain.” Gareth was crying the type of ugly sob that made his voice go strange. “I can’t do it on the phone. I’ll come there. Just—just wait.”
“Fuck off. Don’t ever talk to me again. You have lost my trust forever more, Lollipop!”
The phone went dead. Gareth waited for five minutes to see if it would ring again. He wondered about calling back, but the words went round and round, and in the end, he just sat on the floor and drew up his knees. He heard footsteps and then felt a hand on his shoulder. “Come on, son.” He let himself be led away from the phon
e and back into the living room. “But what if it rings?”
“We’ll hear,” Jim assured. He sat Gareth on the sofa next to Dad. When he looked up, they were both gazing with sad faces. “Well, now. He’s a feisty one. Don’t upset yourself.”
“He wasn’t happy?” Dad murmured. “Maybe it’s just the shock of it all. Police—that girl—it was all too much. Maybe tomorrow, he’ll be back to normal?”
“He recognised you. He says I’ve lost his trust forever,” Gareth said glumly. “Because I didn’t tell him.” He shrugged into a hunch. “He thought I was a normal kid.” It was weird, showing his feelings to Dad. The room suddenly seemed far too hot. He hid his face in his hands.
“Lost his trust forever, eh? That sounds like a corny song.” Jim chuckled.
“Forever more,” Gareth said, through his hands. A hand stroked his back. Jim smothered a snort. “It’s not funny.”
“Oh, dear. Do you think he’ll feel better after a night’s sleep? Do you want me to talk to him?” Dad asked. “Jim could drive you there. If you think it would help?”
Gareth thought awhile. “No, not tonight. Maybe tomorrow?” He sat glued to Dad’s side, replaying the hurt in Oskar’s voice. “I didn’t really lie. I got upset once, and we agreed not to talk about our past.” It seemed important to justify himself, to someone. “I’d never lie to him. I mean, he lies to me all the time, but that’s all right because it’s not really lying. Oh! Maybe that’s what it’s all about.” Suddenly it began to make sense.
“Honey, don’t get worked up about it. OK? I don’t know Oskar, but he seems like a guy who does get emotional about things. You know? What does he lie to you about? Is it like John?”
“No, definitely not.” Gareth considered if he could tell Dad. He glanced up. Dad was watching him shrewdly. “John was an asshole.”
“No arguments from me.”
“With Oskar it’s—he lies about where he comes from.”
“When Jim found you, I told him to investigate your friends—nothing much, just who they are and where they come from. Oskar has a—shall we say—colourful background.” Dad bit his lip. “How much do you know about him?”
“More than he realises. I…heard him talking on the old hospital radio. I guess he didn’t realise the headphones in my room still work.”
“The what?”
“Hospital radio. Oskar found the old system and broadcasts from it.” Gareth rubbed his face. “Like a diary? When he was a kid, he helped his dad run a music company, I think. I shouldn’t have listened, but I had such a crush on him I couldn’t help it. I meant to tell him! I did.” He had. For weeks, he’d practised the words. “He’d never forgive me.” There’d be no more kissing, and holding. No more having someone and all the emotions and excitement Gareth got every time they were together. “I shouldn’t have listened.”
“What kinds of things did he say?”
“Terrible things. About his dad dying, and his family. His mom.”
“Maybe he’ll tell you about that sometime? When you know each other better and he knows he can trust you?”
Gareth shook his head mutely. “No. He never will.” Not unless Oskar admitted the truth about Simon Le Bon. “He…he doesn’t admit they’re his family. He pretends to be someone else. I think…he makes stuff up and then can’t get out of it.”
“Oh! I see. I can understand that. When I made my first movie, I didn’t know what to say at the interviews—how could I say I was brought up in care? I was ashamed, I guess. Now? I don’t know why I didn’t tell the truth, but back then, I couldn’t see things clearly. I thought if I made myself more interesting, people would want me, and I’d be more successful.” He ruffled Gareth’s hair. “I forgot who I was. Can you believe I told them I went to a private school.”
“Which is funny, really.”
“Yeah,” Dad said ruefully. “Poor Oskar.”
“I understand why he does it. He gives everyone names—like I’m Bear Grylls, Paula is Pink—to keep him apart from us. Maybe even his make-up is a barrier so nobody gets to see the real Oskar.” Gareth looked straight at Dad. “I understand, and I’ll never care what he does like that because I don’t give up on people. And the irony is, people still want to be near him anyway, even when he’s vicious and in a mood. He’s like a magnet, and he’s still much more real than all those jerks at school.”
“He let you in, Bear Grylls.”
“Sometimes he does, yeah. Then he remembers and tries to push me away again.”
“I knew about his dad. Morris Braithwaite. Jim found out. Poor kid doesn’t come from a good place.”
“Why did you investigate him?” Gareth was intrigued, and shocked. “Did you investigate the others, too? I don’t know if I like that. I mean, you couldn’t write me a letter but you could hire spies? That’s fucked up, Dad.”
“Oh, honey. When I regained consciousness, I couldn’t think or talk for ages, and then I started to say a few words, and all I wanted was to find out if you were OK. You won’t believe this, but when I was well enough to remember the school, by the time Kip called them, you’d left the day before. The day before! All John’s friends knew is you’d gone to Lincoln to pick fruit.” Gareth gripped Dad’s arm tightly. “Kip called that little bastard and he hung up. John knew I was trying to find you! He knew and he didn’t tell you.” Dad hesitated. “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but I also think he hid some information from you when you went to the school office. It was a few phone calls I made to the school.”
“Oh, god.”
“And your mom called too. We were terrible parents—but not as terrible as John said.”
The enormity of Dad’s news about John bounced around. “What an asshole,” Gareth said with feeling. “He knew you were trying to find me?”
“Yes. He blocked Kip’s number and then you moved from the farm. Jeez, but I went out of my mind worrying. We couldn’t find you.”
“If I’d just waited another day. You know I wanted to? I thought if I stayed until the end of term, they’d have to find you. But John persuaded me to go with him. I was an idiot. He kept telling me you didn’t care.”
“He was jealous of you.”
“I only wanted to be his friend.” Gareth sobbed suddenly. “He hated me just like all the others.” He welcomed the arms that encircled him. “It was so awful there, Dad. I hated it. Every morning, I woke up wanting to fall down a hole. It didn’t matter how hard I tried to fit—I just could never get it right!”
“I know, darling. I’m so sorry.”
“Why did he hate me? What did I ever do to him?”
“I don’t know if it was hate, exactly. I think you made him…realise feelings he didn’t want to acknowledge. He punished you because he was attracted to you.”
“But that’s sick!”
“Yeah. I guess he couldn’t cope at school either. He found ways to get through it, but then you came along. I don’t know, honey. When you disappeared, I really panicked. The police didn’t want to know because you were eighteen and legally an adult. That’s when I hired people to find you! A couple of times they spotted you at the farms but then you’d vanish again.”
“We saw people watching us! John said it was his father. I bet he knew it was you all the time.”
Dad kissed his cheek. “It was me. Then Kip got hold of your letters, right at the end of the summer, saying where you were heading. It didn’t take Jim long to track you at the hostel. I just wanted to make sure you were safe! I went a little crazy on the investigating stuff. After John, I had to make sure you weren’t hanging out with psychos.”
“Why didn’t Jim talk to me and explain who he was? You should have just told me, Dad. All that time I thought you didn’t care.”
Dad shook his head sadly. “I messed up there too, didn’t I? I read those letters, and saw what a despicable human being I was, and decided you really were better off without me. I thought if I could just make sure you were safe, and happy…
But then I couldn’t keep away! Those pictures of you with Oskar were so beautiful. I wanted to see you so badly. And now I’ve messed up that for you, too! Maybe I should go away and leave you to get on life without me. You were doing so well before I showed up.”
“No, no, no. You’re not going away again. Not ever! You and Bubble are staying right here to sort out this mess,” Gareth said firmly. “No more doing things in secret.” His head felt clearer than it had ever done. He hugged back, hard. “We are a family and even though we’ve been a little fucked up, we don’t give up. We can be good! I just know it.”
“I don’t deserve you,” Dad said from within Gareth’s hair. “Now what do we do about Oskar?”
“I might need your help.”
****
“No, I’ll walk. It’s not far,” Gareth said nervously. He looked from Jim to Dad, both staring. “But thanks for the offer.” He ate the last piece of toast carefully so he wouldn’t have to say anything more. He was wiped out with talking and the effort of communicating with the two men. He’d fallen asleep happy the night before, but being amongst people asking his opinion about every little thing was a strain.
“Oh come on, now. I don’t mind. I’ve got used to my daily visit to the hostel.” Jim chuckled. “What am I going to do without you lot to watch? It’s better than the telly. I love it when you come out with Oskar and he’s acting about. That one should be on the telly.”
“I hope he’s talking to me.” It hadn’t got easier to look full on at Dad, in case he disappeared. Twice during the night Gareth had woken suddenly, not knowing where he was. In the end, he’d crept into Dad’s room and clambered into bed with him, like when he was a kid having a nightmare. When he’d woken up, Bubble was on the bottom of the bed and Dad was holding his hand. It was all amazing, and exhausting. He yawned.
“Well, shall I pick you both up? About twelve?” Jim urged. “You can tell Oskar he doesn’t need to totter up here on his heels.” He chuckled.