Lucy and the Crypt Casanova

by Minda Webber

  "You're smelling humidity and lots of vegetation. There's some magnolia with night-blooming jasmine thrown in," Lucy volunteered. The scent was strong but earthy, combined as it was with the rich scent of decay. To her right, a huge magnolia tree stood, branches dark like shadows, silvery-looking flowers peeking from the darkness. The magnolia blossoms themselves, a rich pungent smell of sweetness, reminded her of warm southern nights and Southern Comfort in a glass. The South in a nutshell.

  "So good to know that I'm keeping company with a botanist," Ricki said, stomping toward the largest oak tree near the veranda. Her flashlight bobbed up and down, the beam cutting through the shadows. "Let's just get this whole thing over with."

  Lucy hurried to catch up with her friend, tugging her bag of ribbons with her. Reaching the oak, she pulled out the long yellow one.

  Ricki had set her flashlight to the left of the massive oak, lighting the tree so that they could do their work.

  Within minutes, they had a long chain of yellow ribbon winding around the trees.

  "Well," Ricki admitted, getting into the spirit of things, "this is kind of romantic, and maybe just a little bit of fun. Imagine his face when he sees his trees covered in yellow ribbon. Just like that song!"

  "Yeah, I hope it works," Lucy agreed. "I really miss him. I really need him." She sighed. "I may not deserve him, but I want him back. Because life without Val is an empty bowl—without cherries, without pits… Empty."

  Ricki threaded the ribbon higher up the tree, but just then it began to rain. Large fat drops. "I spoke too soon," she said. "This is not romantic. This is not fun. I want to go home."

  "Come on, Ricki," Lucy coaxed. "We've only got two more trees to do. What's a little water between friends?" She smiled, hurrying over to the next oak, and the salty smell of the rain filled her nostrils.

  Ricki didn't answer. Before she could, something loomed up in the darkness behind her. Lucy screamed out a warning, swinging her flashlight around, highlighting the scene of horror. Ricki glanced back in time to see the Ka incubus start toward her, hands outstretched, long, sharp clawlike fingernails gleaming in the moonlight.

  "Run, Ricki, run!"

  But Lucy's warning came too late. Before Ricki could move, Lucy saw her grabbed by the monstrous DeLeon. A slash of lightning leaped across the sky.

  Her heart crashed against her ribs in anticipation and sheer terror. A brave person would go help her friend. Strange, Lucy thought, she'd rather be a coward and run screaming into the night. But as she took a step backward, longing to run and needing to scream, her throat was too dry and she realized she wasn't thinking clearly. Where was the cavalry when a person needed them?

  Ricki screamed for Lucy to help as the incubus bent his head toward her, and he caught her scream in his foul mouth. Soon Ricki was giving awful little noises. Those shrieks were what finally mobilized Lucy. She might be stupid at times. She might be accident-prone. She might not be the most trusting of girlfriends, but she would not be a coward and let her California friend end in retirement in the swamps of Louisana. No, she would go down fighting.

  "I love you, Val—and remember the Alamo!" she yelled. And with that she charged, a yellow ribbon trailing behind her.

  She tripped, which probably saved her life. Instead of charging directly into DeLeon's back, she ended up clipping him in the knees, knocking the incubus, Ricki, and herself to the ground. There they proceeded to roll around in the mud, name-calling, hissing, fangs flashing and so on, until DeLeon finally gained purchase on the slippery ground. Grabbing Lucy by her neck, he quickly flipped her over on her back and threw himself on top of her.

  Ricki was frozen in terror, whimpering on the ground. Lucy discerned the words "gray hair" and "plastic surgery."

  Staring up into the incubus's empty eyes, Lucy felt her future doing a flashdance before her eyes. She was going to be wearing support hose and dentures—if she was lucky. If not, tonight was her last night on earth, and Val hadn't come back to her. Dang him! She briefly wanted to take a stake and stick him where the sun didn't shine.

  Yes, it was his stubbornness that had led to her coming here to surprise him. Well, she hoped he would cry over her grave, the stubborn dirt ball. If he had called her, she wouldn't be stuck mud-wrestling with this incubus. No, she would never forgive the fickle Frenchman for putting her in this life-threatening danger. Not unless he saved her with some sort of miracle.

  Unbeknownst to Lucy, Val's house was being watched. It was all part of the plan to capture DeLeon, the plan where Val had given the interview on television, insulting the incubus in hopes that he could make DeLeon strike back at him. Now, as Lucy was contemplating all the mean things she was going to yell at him, Val and Christine were sneaking up around the back of his home. Val had gotten a call earlier that someone had climbed over his fence.

  What greeted his eyes when he and Christine rounded the corner made him curse in French. Lucy and her dimwit friend! They were tangled up with the incubus, covered in mud from head to foot. Still, it made things easier, now that his prey was preoccupied.

  Taking aim, Val shot the incubus with a stun gun designed especially for supernatural creatures of DeLeon's kind. In the background he could hear police sirens shrieking, closing in fast.

  The dart punched into DeLeon's cheek. The incubus howled in anger, then a second later fell over sideways as the potent garlic and silver nitrate drug took effect.

  Ricki was babbling hysterically. "I'm never listening to another idea of yours again—not as long as I live, Lucy Campbell."

  "You'll probably live longer," Lucy agreed, her face as pale as that of a vampiress, her teeth chattering in shock. She shoved DeLeon's leg off, finally managing to stand on her own two shaky feet. "You saved me," she said to Val.

  She was a muddy mess, with grass sticking to her in clumps, and a yellow ribbon dangling from her wrist. But Val suddenly thought she had never looked lovelier. He wanted to kiss her and strangle her all at the same time. He opted for something safer. "So sue me," he said.

  Lucy's mouth popped open, and Christine knelt down by Ricki. The vampiress folded the distraught young woman into her arms.

  "What the hell where you doing out at my place this time of night?" Val asked. His anger began to grow as he thought about the situation. Lucy, in her cavalier, chaos-ridden characteristic way, had managed to get herself almost killed by involving herself. "How did you know about the operation?" he asked.

  "What are you talking about?" She was filthy and she had scraped her elbows. Longingly Lucy looked at Val, willing him with her eyes to hold her in his arms and take away the weight of the world. The big ol' undead dufus wasn't cooperating. Didn't he know that she was one step away from hysteria?

  "Why are you here at my house? Why did you climb over my fence in the middle of the night?"

  "I climbed over the tree. Ricki climbed over the fence," Lucy corrected automatically. Why wasn't he walking toward her? "Why are you scowling at me? I… I could have been killed proving my love for you," she defended. That would be against everything you read in books. However, see if she ever decorated his stupid trees again!

  Val was not convinced. "What? Love? Why are you here?" he demanded, his voice rising to an almost shout. Definitely unvampirelike, Lucy thought.

  "I put ribbons on your trees." She pointed to the massive oak by the front door.

  Val glanced at the tree, then turned back to her, his expression unreadable.

  "Yellow ribbons," Lucy added, her heart in her eyes and her throat. She prayed he would understand. She had risked death and sacrificed her pride to show him that she loved him. "I'll always want you. I'll always love you," she said.

  Val began cursing in French. He pointed a finger at the oak tree and said, "If that isn't the stupidest stunt you've pulled off yet."

  Glancing at him in stunned disbelief, Lucy opened her mouth to tell him to just shut up when she suddenly felt dizzy and light-headed. She would think that she was going
to faint, but Campbell women never fainted, not even in the days when it had been considered ladylike. The last sound Lucy heard was Val's "Merde."

  "Oh, speak English," she mumbled. Then the ground rose to meet her.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I Love Lucy!

  Lucy was sunk in depression. After Val's less than gallant rescue from the incubus, she had gone home and waited for a phone call. Two nights later she was still waiting, fool that she was.

  Last night the capture of the incubus had been featured on all the major news stations, with Val and Christine prominent in the media frenzy. Lucy had watched with eyes filled with hope. Her hope was starting to dim as the nights passed by into misty mornings with no word from Val. It appeared that even if he still loved her, he meant what he had said about love not being enough.

  "Earth to Lucy," Ricki said, prodding Lucy's shoulder. "Your hair is done and it's time to get your butt moving and go do your show."

  Lucy turned misery-filled eyes to Ricki. "Val hasn't called, and I don't give a fig about tonight's show," she groused.

  Ricki patted her shoulder in sympathy. "The night's still early, and how can you not be excited about tonight's show? I've never seen a naked mummy before."

  Lucy almost cringed. Tonight's show was "Mummies Who Want to Join Nudist Colonies."

  "Do you think they have to wear sunscreen?" Ricki asked. "I wonder what sort of SPF ratings they need."

  Lucy gave up and got to her feet, letting Rick lead her to yet another really stupid show.

  "I wonder if they're going to lose any body parts when they unwrap?" Ricki continued cheerfully.

  As they got to the set, Lucy could hear the producer call out "One minute till airtime!" Sitting down in her chair, she was surprised that Ricki joined her, sitting in one of the guest chairs to her right.

  "What are you doing?" Lucy asked. "And where are the mummies?"

  "Change of plans," Ricki answered.

  Before Lucy could ask more, the show began, and Val and Christine walked out onto the set and seated themselves on the guest sofa. Blinking her eyes, Lucy wondered if she was having a brain freeze.

  "Where are the mummies?" she asked in a weak voice, totally dumbfounded.

  Val hid a grin. Lucy had that look down pat. He loved it. Just as he loved her.

  "Egypt?" Christine replied with a shrug.

  Clearing her throat, Ricki opened the show. Giving a bright smile, she said, "There's been a change of plans for tonight. Detective Valmont DuPonte and Detective Christine Armstrong are here to tell us about the capture of the infamous Ka incubus! And they had a little help from yours truly, and from our very own Lucy Campbell."

  The audience cheered, while Lucy sat in shock. Val was really here on her show, and he was smiling at her like she was the finest thing he had ever tasted. Forget the past and forget professionalism, she wanted to know what was going on with him. "You're on my show. You said you'd never do my show," she mumbled.

  "Ah, cherie, how could I not be where you are? You're my heart—mon coeur."

  His answer made her forget the audience, and made her forget her duties as host. "You forgive me?"

  "I do. Appearing on your show is my way of saying I want you. My yellow ribbons," he said. After nearly losing Lucy to the incubus, Val had realized in his heart that his life would be so much less without her. He wanted to share his life with Lucy. He wanted to teach her about honor and trust. She would keep him laughing and happy. And he wanted that partnership to start as soon as possible.

  Staring at him, Lucy felt her heart melting. "I thought you said love wasn't enough," she remarked.

  "I was wrong." Val shook his head, his heart in his eyes. "I was a big undead dufus. I can't live without you. My crypt just isn't the same with you gone." And with that he went to Lucy, crouching down in front of her. "Isn't it obvious? I love you with all my soul and all my heart."

  The audience oohed and aahed, and when Christine nudged him Val added, "By the way, that was a very nice touch with the yellow ribbons."

  "You hated them," Lucy reminded him. But the quiet desperation had fled her eyes, leaving her the soft and luminous look of a woman in love.

  "No. I loved the ribbons. I hated the fact that you put yourself in danger," he remarked. Drawing her to her feet, he held her in his arms. Lucy felt warmer than she ever had. Happier.

  "Oh, Val. I love you too." Her words were barely audible, and Val stole her breath with a passion-filled kiss.

  The audience hooted and hollered, and Christine smiled merrily.

  Ricki's grin grew from ear to ear. "For those of you who missed the opening," she joked, "I want to thank you for tuning in to the 'I Love Lucy' show." When Val and Lucy's heated kiss continued, Ricki did as well. "As you can see, these two lovebats are going to fly happily-ever-after off the set and into the night."

  Christine laughed, watching fondly the fiery kiss between the couple. "I think this show will be a hard act to follow," she said.

  Ricki agreed.

  When the kiss finished, Lucy's sigh was pure bliss. She had gotten her second chance at happiness, and Mr. Moody was surely in ratings heaven. "Oh, Val—I love you. I've missed you so. And again, I'm so sorry."

  Ricki piped up, saying to Christine, "I bet she'll just be living for sunsets."

  Leaning over, Val whispered to her provocatively, "We never did get to have make-up sex."

  Lucy got a gleam in her eye, and she grabbed his hand. "Let's go. Sunrise is in nine short hours."

  Val threw back his head and laughed, and the two ran from the set to the sound of thunderous applause.

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