Sentimental Tommy

by J. M. Barrie

  CHAPTER XXXVII

  THE END OF A BOYHOOD

  Convinced of his own worthlessness, Tommy was sufficiently humble now,but Aaron Latta, nevertheless, marched to the square on the followingmarket day and came back with the boy's sentence, Elspeth being happilyabsent.

  "I say nothing about the disgrace you have brought on this house," thewarper began without emotion, "for it has been a shamed house sinceafore you were born, and it's a small offence to skail on a clartyfloor. But now I've done more for you than I promised Jean Myles to do,and you had your pick atween college and the herding, and the herdingyou've chosen twice. I call you no names, you ken best what you'refitted for, but I've seen the farmer of the Dubb of Prosen the day, andhe was short-handed through the loss of Tod Lindertis, so you're fee'dto him. Dinna think you get Tod's place, it'll be years afore you riseto that, but it's right and proper that as he steps up, you should stepdown."

  "The Dubb of Prosen!" cried Tommy in dismay. "It's fifteen miles fraehere."

  "It's a' that."

  "But--but--but Elspeth and me never thought of my being so far away thatshe couldna see me. We thought of a farmer near Thrums."

  "The farther you're frae her the better," said Aaron, uneasily, yethonestly believing what he said.

  "It'll kill her," Tommy cried fiercely. With only his own suffering toconsider he would probably have nursed it into a play through which hestalked as the noble child of misfortune, but in his anxiety for Elspethhe could still forget himself. "Fine you ken she canna do without me,"he screamed.

  "She maun be weaned," replied the warper, with a show of temper; he wasconvinced that the sooner Elspeth learned to do without Tommy the betterit would be for herself in the end, but in his way of regarding the boythere was also a touch of jealousy, pathetic rather than forbidding. Tohim he left the task of breaking the news to Elspeth; and Tommy,terrified lest she should swoon under it, was almost offended when sheremained calm. But, alas, the reason was that she thought she was goingwith him.

  "Will we have to walk all the way to the Dubb of Prosen?" she asked,quite brightly, and at that Tommy twisted about in misery. "You areno--you canna--" he began, and then dodged the telling. "We--we may geta lift in a cart," he said weakly.

  "And I'll sit aside you in the fields, and make chains o' the gowans,will I no? Speak, Tommy!"

  "Ay--ay, will you," he groaned.

  "And we'll have a wee, wee room to oursels, and--"

  He broke down, "Oh, Elspeth," he cried, "it was ill-done of me no tostick to my books, and get a bursary, and it was waur o' me to botherabout that word. I'm a scoundrel, I am, I'm a black, I'm a--"

  But she put her hand on his mouth, saying, "I'm fonder o' you than ever,Tommy, and I'll like the Dubb o' Prosen fine, and what does it matterwhere we are when we're thegither?" which was poor comfort for him, butstill he could not tell her the truth, and so in the end Aaron had totell her. It struck her down, and the doctor had to be called in duringthe night to stop her hysterics. When at last she fell asleep Tommy'sarm was beneath her, and by and by it was in agony, but he set his teethand kept it there rather than risk waking her.

  When Tommy was out of the way, Aaron did his clumsy best to soothe her,sometimes half shamefacedly pressing her cheek to his, and she did notrepel him, but there was no response. "Dinna take on in that way,dawtie," he would say, "I'll be good to you."

  "But you're no Tommy," Elspeth answered.

  "I'm not, I'm but a stunted tree, blasted in my youth, but for a' that Iwould like to have somebody to care for me, and there's none to do't,Elspeth, if you winna. I'll gang walks wi' you, I'll take you to thefishing, I'll come to the garret at night to hap you up, I'll--I'llteach you the games I used to play mysel'. I'm no sure but what youmight make something o' me yet, bairn, if you tried hard."

  "But you're no Tommy," Elspeth wailed again, and when he advised her toput Tommy out of her mind for a little and speak of other things, sheonly answered innocently, "What else is there to speak about?"

  Mr. McLean had sent Tommy a pound, and so was done with him, but Ailiestill thought him a dear, though no longer a wonder, and Elspeth took astrange confession to her, how one night she was so angry with God thatshe had gone to bed without saying her prayers. She had just meant tokeep Him in suspense for a little, and then say them, but she fellasleep. And that was not the worst, for when she woke in the morning,and saw that she was still living, she was glad she had not said them.But next night she said them twice.

  And this, too, is another flash into her dark character. Tommy, whonever missed saying his prayers and could say them with surprisingquickness, told her, "God is fonder of lonely lassies than of any otherkind, and every time you greet it makes Him greet, and when you'recheerful it makes Him cheerful too." This was meant to dry her eyes, butit had not that effect, for, said Elspeth, vindictively, "Well, then,I'll just make Him as miserable as I can."

  When Tommy was merely concerned with his own affairs he did not thinkmuch about God, but he knew that no other could console Elspeth, and hislove for her usually told him the right things to say, and while he saidthem, he was quite carried away by his sentiments and even wept overthem, but within the hour he might be leering. They were beautiful, andwere repeated of course to Mrs. McLean, who told her husband of them,declaring that this boy's love for his sister made her a better woman.

  "But nevertheless," said Ivie, "Mr. Cathro assures me--"

  "He is prejudiced," retorted Mrs. McLean warmly, prejudice being afailing which all women marvel at. "Just listen to what the boy said toElspeth to-day. He said to her, 'When I am away, try for a whole day tobe better than you ever were before, and think of nothing else, and thenwhen prayer-time comes you will see that you have been happy withoutknowing it.' Fancy his finding out that."

  "I wonder if he ever tried it himself?" said Mr. McLean.

  "Ivie, think shame of yourself!"

  "Well, even Cathro admits that he has a kind of cleverness, but--"

  "Cleverness!" exclaimed Ailie, indignantly, "that is not cleverness, itis holiness;" and leaving the cynic she sought Elspeth, and did her goodby pointing out that a girl who had such a brother should try to savehim pain. "He is very miserable, dear," she said, "because you are sounhappy. If you looked brighter, think how that would help him, and itwould show that you are worthy of him." So Elspeth went home trying hardto look brighter, but made a sad mess of it.

  "Think of getting letters frae me every time the post comes in!" saidTommy, and then indeed her face shone.

  And then Elspeth could write to him--yes, as often as ever she liked!This pleased her even more. It was such an exquisite thought that shecould not wait, but wrote the first one before he started, and heanswered it across the table. And Mrs. McLean made a letter bag, withtwo strings to it, and showed her how to carry it about with her in asafer place than a pocket.

  Then a cheering thing occurred. Came Corp, with the astounding newsthat, in the Glenquharity dominie's opinion, Tommy should have got theHugh Blackadder.

  "He says he is glad he wasna judge, because he would have had to giveyou the prize, and he laughs like to split at the ministers for givingit to Lauchlan McLauchlan."

  Now, great was the repute of Mr. Ogilvy, and Tommy gaped incredulous."He had no word of that at the time," he said.

  "No likely! He says if the ministers was so doited as to think his loondid best, it wasna for him to conter them."

  "Man, Corp, you ca'me me aff my feet! How do you ken this?"

  Corp had promised not to tell, and he thought he did not tell, but Tommywas too clever for him. Grizel, it appeared, had heard Mr. Ogilvy sayingthis strange thing to the doctor, and she burned to pass it on to Tommy,but she could not carry it to him herself, because--Why was it? Oh, yes,because she hated him. So she made a messenger of Corp, and warned himagainst telling who had sent him with the news.

  Half enlightened, Tommy began to strut again. "You see there's somethingin me for all they say," he told Elspeth. "List
en to this. At thebursary examinations there was some English we had to turn into Latin,and it said, 'No man ever attained supreme eminence who worked for merelucre; such efforts must ever be bounded by base mediocrity. None shallclimb high but he who climbs for love, for in truth where the heart is,there alone shall the treasure be found.' Elspeth, it came ower me in aclink how true that was, and I sat saying it to myself, though I saw GavDishart and Willie Simpson and the rest beginning to put it into Latinat once, as little ta'en up wi' the words as if they had been about auldHannibal. I aye kent, Elspeth, that I could never do much at thelearning, but I didna see the reason till I read that. Syne I kent thatplaying so real-like in the Den, and telling about my fits when it wasname that had them but Corp, and mourning for Lewis Doig's father, andwriting letters for folk so grandly, and a' my other queer ploys thatended in Cathro's calling me Sentimental Tommy, was what my heart wasin, and I saw in a jiffy that if thae things were work, I should soonrise to supreme eminence."

  "But they're no," said Elspeth, sadly.

  "No," he admitted, his face falling, "but, Elspeth, if I was to hearsome day of work I could put my heart into as if it were a game! Iwouldna be laug in finding the treasure syne. Oh, the blatter I wouldmake!"

  "I doubt there's no sic work," she answered, but he told her not to beso sure. "I thought there wasna mysel'," he said, "till now, but sure asdeath my heart was as ta'en up wi' hunting for the right word as if ithad been a game, and that was how the time slipped by so quick. Yet itwas paying work, for the way I did it made Mr. Ogilvy see I should havegot the prize, and a' body kens there's more cleverness in him than ina cart-load o' ministers."

  "But, but there are no more Hugh Blackadders to try for, Tommy?"

  "That's nothing, there maun be other work o' the same kind. Elspeth,cheer up, I tell you, I'll find a wy!"

  "But you didna ken yoursel' that you should have got the HughBlackadder?"

  He would not let this depress him. "I ken now," he said. Nevertheless,why he should have got it was a mystery which he longed to fathom. Mr.Ogilvy had returned to Glenquharity, so that an explanation could not bedrawn from him even if he were willing to supply it, which wasimprobable; but Tommy caught Grizel in the Banker's Close and compelledher to speak.

  "I won't tell you a word of what Mr. Ogilvy said," she insisted, in herobstinate way, and, oh, how she despised Corp for breaking his promise.

  "Corp didna ken he telled me," said Tommy, less to clear Corp than toexalt himself, "I wriggled it out o' him;" but even this did not bringGrizel to a proper frame of mind, so he said, to annoy her,

  "At any rate you're fond o' me."

  "I am not," she replied, stamping; "I think you are horrid."

  "What else made you send Corp to me?"

  "I did that because I heard you were calling yourself a blockhead."

  "Oho," said he, "so you have been speiring about me though you winnaspeak to me!"

  Grizel looked alarmed, and thinking to weaken his case, said, hastily,"I very nearly kept it from you, I said often to myself 'I won't tellhim.'"

  "So you have been thinking a lot about me!" was his prompt comment.

  "If I have," she retorted, "I did not think nice things. And what ismore, I was angry with myself for telling Corp to tell you."

  Surely this was crushing, but apparently Tommy did not think so, for hesaid, "You did it against your will! That means I hare a power over youthat you canna resist. Oho, oho!"

  Had she become more friendly so should he, had she shed one tear hewould have melted immediately; but she only looked him up and downdisdainfully, and it hardened him. He said with a leer, "I ken whatmakes you hold your hands so tight, it's to keep your arms fraewagging;" and then her cry, "How do you know?" convicted her. He had notsucceeded in his mission, but on his way home he muttered, triumphantly,"I did her, I did her!" and once he stopped to ask himself the question,"Was it because my heart was in it?" It was their last meeting till theywere man and woman.

  * * * * *

  A blazing sun had come out on top of heavy showers, and the land reekedand smelled as of the wash-tub. The smaller girls of Monypenny weresitting in passages playing at fivey, just as Sappho for instance usedto play it; but they heard the Dubb of Prosen cart draw up at AaronLatta's door, and they followed it to see the last of Tommy Sandys. Corpwas already there, calling in at the door every time he heard a sob;"Dinna, Elspeth, dinna, he'll find a wy," but Grizel had refused tocome, though Tommy knew that she had been asking when he started andwhich road the cart would take. Well, he was not giving her a thought atany rate; his box was in the cart now, and his face was streaked withtears that were all for Elspeth. She should not have come to the door,but she came, and--it was such a pitiable sight that Aaron Latta couldnot look on. He went hurriedly to his workshop, but not to warp, andeven the carter was touched and he said to Tommy, "I tell you what, man,I have to go round by Causeway End smiddy, and you and the crittur havetime, if you like, to take the short cut and meet me at the far cornero' Caddam wood."

  So Tommy and Elspeth, holding each other's hands, took the short cut andthey came to the far end of Caddam, and Elspeth thought they had bettersay it here before the cart came; but Tommy said he would walk back withher through the wood as far as the Toom Well, and they could say itthere. They tried to say it at the Well, but--Elspeth was still with himwhen he returned to the far corner of Caddam, where the cart was nowawaiting him. The carter was sitting on the shaft, and he told them hewas in no hurry, and what is more, he had the delicacy to turn his backon them and struck his horse with the reins for looking round at thesorrowful pair. They should have said it now, but first Tommy walkedback a little bit of the way with Elspeth, and then she came back withhim, and that was to be the last time, but he could not leave her, andso, there they were in the wood, looking woefully at each other, and itwas not said yet.

  They had said it now, and all was over; they were several paces apart.Elspeth smiled, she had promised to smile because Tommy said it wouldkill him if she was greeting at the very end. But what a smile it was!Tommy whistled, he had promised to whistle to show that he was happy aslong as Elspeth could smile. She stood still, but he went on, turninground every few yards to--to whistle. "Never forget, day nor night, whatI said to you," he called to her. "You're the only one I love, and Icare not a hair for Grizel."

  But when he disappeared, shouting to her, "I'll find a wy, I'll find awy," she screamed and ran after him. He was already in the cart, and ithad started. He stood up in it and waved his hand to her, and she stoodon the dyke and waved to him, and thus they stood waving till a hollowin the road swallowed cart and man and boy. Then Elspeth put her handsto her eyes and went sobbing homeward.

  When she was gone, a girl who had heard all that passed between themrose from among the broom of Caddam and took Elspeth's place on thedyke, where she stood motionless waiting for the cart to reappear as itclimbed the other side of the hollow. She wore a black frock and a bluebonnet with white strings, but the cart was far away, and Tommy thoughtshe was Elspeth, and springing to his feet again in the cart he wavedand waved. At first she did not respond, for had she not heard him say,"You're the only one I love, and I care not a hair for Grizel?" And sheknew he was mistaking her for Elspeth. But by and by it struck her thathe would be more unhappy if he thought Elspeth was too overcome by griefto wave to him. Her arms rocked passionately; no, no, she would not liftthem to wave to him, he could be as unhappy as he chose. Then in aspirit of self-abnegation that surely raised her high among thedaughters of men, though she was but a painted lady's child, she wavedto him to save him pain, and he, still erect in the cart, waved backuntil nothing could be seen by either of them save wood and fields and along, deserted road.

 
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