The Family You Choose

by Deborah Nam-Krane

  CHAPTER 14

  Since yesterday morning, Emily had been hit with the proverbial morning sickness. The only thing was that it was really morning, afternoon and evening sickness. She’d taken an hour off of her research and writing for Professor Hazlett to research morning sickness remedies, but found nothing reliable. Finally, she’d put her head between her knees for fifteen minutes, which provided some relief.

  Mitch found her in the private room ten minutes before the library was going to close, with her head resting on the desk. "Emily?" He tried to touch her head, but she winced. She couldn’t stand light, she couldn’t stand sight, and she couldn’t stand touch. She thought she could smell the books. Food—ugh. The very thought sickened her, and she hadn’t eaten anything all day.

  Mitch tried to talk to her, but she kept shaking her head. He seemed to get it. He packed up her bags, then got her coat and helped her put it on as if she were three. He picked up her bag then gently helped her up. They had just gotten to the stairwell when Emily all of a sudden ran into the bathroom.

  Mitch heard her retching for five whole minutes. When she came out, her lips wet from the water she’d used to rinse her mouth out, a single tear ran down her cheek. "Just take my bags," she said, half-pleading. "I’m gonna walk. I can’t get on the train right now."

  "It’s freezing!" he said.

  She nodded almost imperceptibly. "I know. The cold air—it’s better than the train."

  She walked down the stairs slowly and out the door. She took a deep breath once the cold air hit her. It felt good. She leaned against the outside wall. She just needed a moment to gather her strength.

  "Emily," Mitch said gently. He stroked her face, which was a little more tolerable now that it was cold. "It’s too far. You’re too tired—and sick."

  Emily shook her head. "I’ll—no, I can’t get on the train."

  "Can I get you anything? Some...crackers, or something to drink?"

  Emily shuddered at the thought of all of those things. "No, but maybe some ice."

  "Ice?!? It’s freezing now!"

  "No, it’s hot."

  "Alright, if that’s what you want. And then you’ll take the train?"

  Emily nodded, and then they walked to the train stop. Mitch ran into the café to get a coffee and a cup of ice. Emily gratefully took the cup and started sucking on the ice chips, slowly, so she wouldn’t get too sick.

  The train came, and Mitch thanked God that it wasn’t crowded at all. Emily curled into a ball on her seat, clutching her stomach. Mitch gently rubbed her back. The heat from his hands was unbearable, but she was too weak to ask him to stop.

  It took fifteen minutes for Emily to walk home from the train stop, and she thought she’d die when she walked into the little apartment because it was so hot. She brushed her teeth—an absolute necessity—then stripped to her tank top and underwear and got into bed. She threw off the cover Mitch tried to put on her, and after an hour of moaning and five trips to the bathroom, she finally fell asleep.

  Mitch sighed. He put the cover on her, then spooned himself next to her. What were his parents going to say? How was this going to affect the next two years of law school? How had it happened? Okay, he had been through Sex Ed in grade school, so he got the basic idea. But...they’d used a condom every single time, and neither of them had noticed anything wrong; although, admittedly, sometimes they weren’t always looking for problems either.

  He rubbed Emily’s abdomen gently. It didn’t matter, did it, because here he or she was, making its presence known, especially to Emily.

  CHAPTER 15

  Emily woke up on Saturday morning and groaned. It was no later than seven, and she knew she hadn’t fallen asleep until almost one. Mitch was draped over her, and she was under the covers. She rolled onto her back and tried to take some deep breaths. She started to feel dizzy, so she closed her eyes. She didn’t know how she was going to survive this.

  Miranda. Oh, God. She had to call her, to tell her that she wouldn’t be coming today. Maybe she could go next week, when she was feeling better. She didn’t know how to tell her or anyone else yet. It felt stupid to be in this position—she knew what everyone else would think. It was one thing to be married when you’re nineteen; it was another thing to be pregnant when you’re twenty. But she’d be almost twenty-one when the baby was born—that was better than nothing.

  Emily’s head hurt from doing that simple calculation, and she felt like she was going to throw up. She made it to the bathroom in time and threw up yellow stomach acid. The acid made her feel sicker. She rinsed her mouth out and brushed her teeth again, then came out to get a cupful of ice.

  Mitch was up. He looked tired and confused, then hopeful. He patted the futon. "Come back to bed, Em."

  She sighed. She wanted to sleep so badly—please, she begged her body, just give me a break long enough to fall asleep.

  ~~~

  Miranda woke up at nine. She could have slept longer, but she remembered that Emily was going to come to Alex’s house this morning. "Jesus!" she shouted, throwing the covers off of herself. And Emily was always so goddamned hyper-punctual.

  She scrambled into her bag, looking for her phone. It took her five minutes of futile searching to remember that she had tossed her phone into the ocean. It took her another minute, but she finally found Zainab’s phone which, fortunately, still had Emily’s cell phone programmed into it.

  Mitch answered. "Zainab?"

  Miranda looked at the phone for a moment. Why was Mitch answering Emily’s phone? "Hey, sorry. I was trying to reach Emily. I must have dialed your number accidentally."

  "Oh, hi." Pause. "No, this is Emily’s phone, but she’s not feeling well right now."

  "Is she okay? Since when do vegan yoginis get sick?"

  "Yeah, well, I guess I’ve been keeping her from the yoga more than I should. But...why are you calling from Zainab’s apartment? Is Zainab there?"

  "No." Deep breath. "I...it’s a long story."

  "Feel free to tell me anytime you want, but right now, Emily needs a little bit of a rest."

  Miranda narrowed her eyes. She didn’t like Mitch’s tone. "Okay," she said with forced cheerfulness. "But tell her I called, okay?"

  "You bet."

  Miranda looked through the other numbers on the phone. No chance Zainab would have her own cell phone programmed, of course. There was Richard’s house but then what if Richard wanted to know why she was there? Could she trust him if Alex had told his version of events, which was sure to make more sense? She looked back and forth, trying to decide. Her trust in Richard finally won.

  "Oh, thank God!" Miranda almost collapsed with relief when Zainab answered.

  "Miranda! Miranda, what are you doing calling from my place?"

  "I’m sorry, I thought Emily told you."

  "No," Zainab said slowly, "but it’s fine. It’s better than fine. Richard and I have been worried sick about you. Alex has been calling every hour on the hour, and he’s been by the house twice-"

  "Zainab, please, promise me you won’t tell anyone where I am," Miranda said quickly.

  "Miranda, what-"

  "Zainab, please, okay? I don’t want Richard to know, he wouldn’t believe me. And I don’t want Alex to know because I never want to see him again."

  "Did Alex hurt you?" Zainab almost screeched.

  "What? No! But he’s still a bastard. Look, just promise me, please, and I’ll tell you everything."

  "Of course I’m not going to tell anyone, you dope. But I have to tell Richard something."

  "Fine, tell him I’m in a hotel—with lots of room service. That sounds right."

  Zainab laughed, and then Miranda did too. "Will you come over today, please?"

  "Alright, but it has to be soon. Richard has a one o’clock flight to California this morning, and I have to be back before he leaves."

  "So get off the phone and get over here!" She hung up, smiling, and closed her eyes. It wasn’t going to work for he
r to pretend that nothing had changed.

  Zainab came over an hour later. "Yeah, sorry," she said, giving Miranda a quick hug. "Guess who stopped by right after I got off?"

  "Alex."

  "Try again. It was actually Michael, and isn’t it funny, but he was looking for you too?"

  Miranda’s face grew hot. "That creep! How dare he show his face there?!"

  "Richard said almost exactly the same thing. Michael was absolutely convinced that you were there, and Richard had to pretty much drag him out of the house to calm him down. Michael was shouting at the top of his lungs for ten minutes straight, and then who should come by but Alex?"

  Miranda’s mouth twisted into a smile. "I hope they killed each other."

  "If Richard hadn’t been there, I think you might have gotten your wish. And don’t worry—I didn’t tell Richard where I was going, but even if I had, I don’t think you’d have to worry about him telling Alex. Alex looked even more crazed than Michael."

  "Good."

  "Good? Yeah, it’s so good that Richard is on the phone right now hiring a security service for the week that he’s gone so that neither of them can come near us."

  "Armed?"

  "No, just trained to kill with their bare hands."

  "Good enough."

  "Uh huh." Zainab went into the kitchen and made a pot of tea. Miranda, who hadn’t had anything to eat or drink since yesterday afternoon, thanked her before she drank it.

  "What did Michael do to you?" Zainab asked when she was done.

  Miranda wiped her mouth. "Nothing I didn’t walk into his house and ask for."

  "Oh my God!" Zainab face turned dark red. "I will kill him myself!"

  "Zainab, I’m not joking. I asked."

  "You walked into Michael’s house and asked for sex?"

  "Not in so many words, but yeah, pretty much."

  Zainab stared at Miranda. "Is this a joke? Because it’s not funny. Richard is ready to kill the both of them."

  "Tell Richard to confine his concerns to Jessie and you."

  "Were you...on something?"

  "I only had a drink when he was done. I needed it."

  "Have you lost your mind?"

  "No. That’s the one thing I haven’t lost, the one thing Alex didn’t steal from me."

  "What..? How is this about Alex?"

  Miranda scoffed. She’d asked the same thing yesterday. "It’s always about him, isn’t it? He’s a lying, cheating, ruthless son of a bitch. I just never thought it would have anything to do with me."

  "What could he have done that would make you seek Michael out?"

  "How about lying to me my whole life? How about lying about my whole life? I don’t know what’s real anymore. I think I remember my mother, I think I remember my grandmother, I think I remember...but maybe these are just things Alex told me and I put memories around them to fit his story."

  "Miranda...what did he lie about?"

  "My mother," Miranda whispered, and she began sobbing. Zainab put her arms Miranda. "He was sleeping with my mother," she said through her tears. "And so was Michael’s father. No wonder Michael always hated me. No wonder...Alex let him be so awful. Michael said he killed them too—"

  "Are you taking Michael’s word over Alex’s?"

  "I told you, I haven’t lost my mind. I saw...pictures. I read articles. I heard Alex when I told him I knew. And I know, in my gut, that Alex was with my mother." She wiped away her tears. "I know because it all makes sense now. Because of the way Alex used to look at me, and then look away. He wasn’t looking at me; he was looking at someone else’s ghost. And always the disappointment that it was me. That was why it had to be dark."

  Zainab stopped breathing. "When did it have to be dark?"

  "When he kissed me," Miranda whispered, then put her head on Zainab’s chest. "When he kissed me, before he left. That’s why it almost happened, because it was dark and he could pretend that I was her. But...I reminded him, and he remembered it was just me. Just Miranda."

  Zainab held Miranda by her shoulders. "Listen to me, Miranda Harel. You are not just anything and you couldn’t be no matter what happened before. You’re the most generous, loving person I’ve ever met. Jessie has gotten this far because of you and Richard, and I’m lucky you’re in my life. Everyone you touch is. So...Alex was a lying pervert, but now you know. You’re going to be fine, because Michael and Alex can’t get anywhere near what you really are. Okay, you screwed Michael because you wanted to get Alex. So what? Let’s move on."

  "But everything is a lie," Miranda sniffled.

  "No, it’s not. I’m not, Emily’s not. Jessie and Richard aren’t. And we all love you and don’t care who your parents are or what they did."

  Miranda smiled. "Well, I think Mitch still hates me."

  "Mitch can be a tool sometimes, but he doesn’t hate you. And I think we could probably sic him on Alex and Michael now."

  "Always getting that silver lining, huh?"

  "It’s there. Maybe the best part is the truth is out and you see them both for what they are."

  "It’s going to be okay?"

  "Do you think Emily and I are going to let it not be okay?"

  Miranda hugged Zainab and cried on her shoulder a little more. Zainab looked at her watch. "Damn. I’m sorry, honey, but I’ve got to get out of here or Richard is going to miss his flight."

  "No—go, please. But...don’t tell Richard—not unless Michael does."

  Zainab blew out threw her lips and shook her head. "Um, yeah, but I think he’s going to put it together soon, and no matter what I say, I think he needs to hear it from you."

  Miranda nodded like a small child. "Okay, but...what about Emily?"

  "Emily loves you, okay, no matter what Michael is." She smiled conspiratorially. "And I think she knows a little bit about being with someone you really shouldn’t be."

  Silver linings and Achilles’ heels. "Here’s to the bright side."

  Miranda closed the door and climbed back into bed, wrapping Zainab’s words around her to help her get to sleep.

  CHAPTER 16

  Miranda stared at the ceiling. She’d been awake for thirty minutes but couldn’t get out of bed. She’d woken up because she had that dream again, only she’d been closer to waking than sleeping and started to ask questions. "Where are you going, Mommy? Do you love him? Do you think he’s going to be my dad? Does he like the idea? Why are you taking someone else’s dad away? Don’t you know?" But Tatiana hadn’t changed at all in her dream, and it followed the same script it always had, with her turning off the light and closing the door, as it always did. But now Miranda, still a little girl, jumped out of bed and opened the door. She ran down the hall, screaming for her, but she couldn’t see her anywhere. Instead, she looked down the stairs and there were Alex and her grandmother, staring at her. So she knew it was too late. Her mother was already dead. Even in her dreams. But before she could ask Alex anything, she thought she heard a faint electric sound. By the time she woke up, it was gone.

  Richard loved his mother, despite himself. Jessie’s mother had loved her, Miranda knew, because she had seen it. So many things might never be right for Jessie, but she and Richard and Alex and even Lucy could vouch for that. But no one could vouch for Miranda’s mother except for people she couldn’t trust and people who were already dead. It would never be known. Miranda felt a big hole open up in her heart. She would have given anything, right then, to have a mother who was alive, even if she hated her. And she reached out her hand again, trying to touch a ghost that wouldn’t haunt her.

  She got out of bed and showered and changed. She wished she’d brought her textbooks—anything to keep her occupied. There were some of Emily’s old copies of VegNews and Zainab’s Newsweek, but they were all old. She turned on the television. Most of the programming sucked, but then again, it was Saturday afternoon, when most normal people were out of the house. She didn’t feel like she should leave.

  She had to choose between a
Lifetime movie of the week and the General Hospital marathon playing on SoapNet. Lifetime had Tori Spelling running around and being stalked by a knife-wielding cheerleader. Miranda switched to SoapNet which, after the GH marathon, had a 90210 marathon. It was like the best of both worlds.

  Two hours later, she was still confused about Sonny, Jason, Carly, Sam and Jax, but she was getting sucked in. She wanted to know why there weren’t any doctors in any of the storylines so far, but other than that, she felt herself falling into their pretty little world, where the worst they had to worry about were really well-dressed and good-looking mobsters.

  The 90210 marathon started at seven. The first episode was something about Brenda getting involved with some animal rights terrorists. Some of the Nineties references were lost on her, and she didn’t get the clothes at all. After ten minutes, she realized she was hungry. Besides, the next episode looked better.

  Zainab did have some food in the fridge, but knowing that it hadn’t been used probably since Emily had moved out, Miranda decided to err on the side of caution. She looked at her wallet. She had her credit cards, and she was sure Alex wouldn’t have cut them off—yet—but she was worried he might have a trace on them. So, although she didn’t have more than twenty dollars in cash, she took that instead.

  Maybe she could go live in Israel, she thought as she walked down the cold street. It was warm there, and she could help her grandmother with her grandfather, who was getting worse. And maybe she wouldn’t be much help, but at least he’d see her one last time before he died. Richard could lend her the money for the ticket. Richard would give her a loan and, Hell, probably a job. She could be an assistant, it would be fun. She’d have to live somewhere. Maybe Mitch and Emily’s building had another studio for rent. She still wouldn’t have that much left over, but she could ask Emily to school her in the Zen art of making do with less. She could be a vegan, too, if that’s what it took.

  Since veganism was looming in her future, she bought herself her very own pint of Ben and Jerry’s, then went to Burger King for a bacon double cheeseburger. "Farewell, my love," she said after she sat back on Zainab’s couch and bit into her burger. She chewed, put her heels up on the coffee table and sighed. She would be just fine.