How to Say I Love You Out Loud

by Karole Cozzo

  HW: How did you first learn about Swoon Reads?

  KC: I got an email before the site started, probably because I was on the National Novel Writing Month website, and had done some work over there. I saw the initial email coming out a few months before the site actually went live, and I just kept checking around because I was really excited for it to get started and be up and running.

  HW: I remember that you were one of the earliest members on the site. But not with How to Say I Love You Out Loud. Originally, you had uploaded something called the Broken trilogy. Why don’t you talk a little bit about your original experience on the site?

  KC: I really liked being one of the earlier people to be a part of the site launch because a community formed quickly among the earlier users. There are people from that original group that I still talk to everyday. So it’s awesome in that way because I picked up a lot of writing companions. It felt very interactive at that point because it was a nice, small, contained group and everyone was talking with everyone and reading each other’s stuff. That was a really good thing to be a part of.

  And all along, there was a lot of thoughtful feedback. Once you get past the initial just-wanting-to-hear-that-people-like-your-story-and-like-your-writing, you really start to value the constructive criticism. There was actually a little bit of a thrill to it because it was like, “Ooh, a new tool. Something new to work with or a new angle to pursue.” And people are pretty good about posting constructive criticism in addition to just the positive stuff. I’ve always had a really good experience on Swoon.

  HW: What made you decide to take down Broken and post How to Say I Love You Out Loud?

  KC: I really tried to be responsive to the information that I’d learned about the genre. I tend to want to write these long, sweeping, very slow, realistic progression stories. Broken itself was very long (three long novels) and I decided I really wanted to try playing by the rules. I wanted to take everything I’d heard about including too many details or having too slow of a buildup and really challenge myself and see if I could do it. So, from the beginning I outlined and set up How to Say I Love You Out Loud to work better as a standalone that was somewhere in the appropriate word range. For me, writing a shorter story was a huge accomplishment and I was really proud and excited to be able to share something totally different.

  “About the Book”

  HW: Where did you get the idea for this particular book?

  KC: I’ve worked with students with disabilities for a long time and over the course of that, I’ve spent a lot of time working with their families as well. The sibling dynamic in those families has always interested me because many kids are forced to be mature from such a young age, and at times their needs are going to have to come second because there might be someone with more pressing or immediate needs. That’s something that even adults struggle with, so I think for a child that can be especially difficult. I was also thinking about how we really do define ourselves in relation to our families—specifically, how their identity is defined by the fact that there’s a person with a disability in their family. How does that make them feel during adolescence, a time of so much insecurity? How does that impact every relationship in their life? I just thought it would be interesting to explore. And I always liked writing about things in the context of romance, so I just took it in that direction.

  HW: What was getting the edit letter like?

  KC: The edit letter was kind of like an even better version of the constructive criticism from the site. Once you do the first read-over like, “OK, how bad is it going to be?” you realize, “OK, there’s nothing that terrible. These people do like this book and do want to work with it.” Pretty much every point I read through, when I took a minute to think about them individually, I felt like, “Yeah, I can see that, and I can see how that would make the book stronger.” You want to make your first book as good as possible. After taking a few minutes to process, I was just really excited about it. It was a learning experience for me.

  Typically, when I’m writing stories, my beginnings tend to be slow, and it’s just sort of a personal preference for how I like things to unfold. But really thinking about what that means from a marketability perspective or the idea of getting people to pick up the book and want to read past the first chapter, then you start challenging yourself to do things in different ways and do things better. When you take it from that perspective, it’s a learning process, and everything you do after that point can incorporate what you learned along the way. And, a lot of that came from the first edit letter. So it was pretty cool in the end.

  HW: How does the revision process work for you?

  KC: I definitely like to work with a hard copy. I like viewing the manuscript as a physical thing and, in terms of considering connectivity between chapters and constancy within characters, I like being able to flip back and forth through pages versus scrolling up and down on a computer. I like to have the entire manuscript in a binder in front of me. I went through after getting the edit letter and made notes on the pages or sections that needed to be worked on. And then I sort of divvied it up in terms of what was most important, what I needed to target first, and what was going to be the most time-consuming and started there. And then the minor details I worked on afterwards, with the thinking that if I was changing major things in another section, there was no point targeting the minor details until all of that was taken care of and I could go through and make sure everything lined up. I also knew I’d feel better fine-tuning small details and thinking more about individual wording once I got the bigger work or the harder work out of the way first. So I tackled it that way.

  HW: I’ve found that that’s a really logical way to do it. When I’m doing edits, I always ask, “OK, what is the biggest thing?” Then, “What are the medium things?” Then, “Are these things so big that all the little things that I have here should wait until the next draft?”

  KC: My mind definitely works that way, too.

  “The Writing Life”

  HW: Where do you write? Do you have any writing rituals or do you write in a specific spot?

  KC: No. I’m happy to write wherever I can set up my laptop. Surprisingly I do my most productive writing in busy places. If I can set up at a coffee shop, when there’s some level of distraction, I actually can be the most focused on my story. While if I’m sitting in an empty, quiet room, I find it harder to concentrate. That’s the only ritual I’d actually say I have. If there’s a little bit of distraction going on, that’s where I enjoy writing the most.

  HW: What’s your process? Are you a plotter and an outliner, or do you just make it up as you go along?

  KC: I’m definitely an outliner to the nth degree. I really feel I need to know where characters are going, and knowing where they end up really impacts where they start. I’ve written stories where I haven’t done that, and then I get to the end, realize what the character’s motivation was, and it doesn’t sync up with where they were at the beginning. That’s really how I’ve decided to start outlining.

  So, I’ll start with my overall plot outline and really try to think through not only what’s happening, but where the characters are at and probably will be. I’m more character based, so I tend to focus more on where the characters are at than the plot. Then I go through on a chapter-by-chapter basis when I’m writing and write a general outline of what’s happening and bits of dialogue without punctuation or capitalization. Just sort of free-flow typing as it comes out. And then I’ll go back that third time, start at the beginning of that chapter, and actually write it out. So it gets a little more specific each time I look at it.

  HW: What is the very best writing advice you’ve ever heard?

  KC: I can think of two pieces that I usually try to use to guide me. Number one is the old “Show, don’t tell,” and it’s something you have to remind yourself all the time. Let the readers know what’s happening through how the characters are talking and what they’re doing in the moment rather
than giving them the lengthy description of what’s going on.

  And the other really great piece of advice, I think, is “Write what you know.” With How to Say I Love You Out Loud, it was a culture that I’ve just been immersed in for over a decade and I felt confident in what I was writing about and that I could do a realistic portrayal versus trying to talk about something that I had no experience with. I also think of Katie van Ark with The Boy Next Door. Katie was so clear in the writing that this was a culture that she was really a part of and it made the book a lot more realistic to me as a reader.

  how to say I Love You out loud

  Discussion Questions

  1. Jordyn goes to great lengths to blend in at school and avoid attracting attention. Have you ever made sacrifices or choices you normally wouldn’t in an effort to fit in? Why?

  2. In Jordyn’s place, would you keep your family a secret? Who would you tell, and why?

  3. Have you ever had to give up on a crush to be “just friends” the way Jordyn originally did with Alex?

  4. Did you empathize with Jordyn’s reaction to Philip attending her school? Why or why not?

  5. Do you think that Erin was right to be upset that Jordyn didn’t talk to her about Philip?

  6. Alex is building a playground for children with special needs. Have you ever participated in volunteer work like that?

  7. Describe Jordyn and Philip’s relationship. How does it change as the story progresses?

  8. Which scene did you find the most romantic, and why?

  9. Have you ever had to tell an important secret to someone you care about, like when Jordyn reveals the truth about her family to Alex? How did telling the secret affect your relationship?

  10. Jordyn delivers an essay on the topic of “The Power of Speech.” What does that mean to you?

  Partners for life or just on the ice?

  Will their new romantic skating program be the big break Maddy’s been waiting for, or the big breakup that Gabe has always feared?

  Gabe

  A love story? This is some sort of deranged joke. Except Igor doesn’t crack jokes. He barely knows how to smile.

  I glance at Mad going all starry-eyed next to me. I’ve heard correctly. I look back at Igor and hold my eyes steady on him, but my insides are shaking worse than when I told Kurt I was quitting hockey just before the bantam travel team championships.

  Igor nods his head toward our water bottles at the boards. “I leave copies of the music there. You listen at home tonight, yes? For today, we see what we have to begin.” He cracks his knuckles under his leather gloves. “Death spiral again. Before, you skate for audience. This time? No audience. Only Madelyn and Gabriel. You understand?”

  “Yes, sir.” I understand, but there’s an ice rink’s chance in hell that I’m actually going to do what he wants. I take the lead and set my pivot, looking at the empty bleachers. It’s been Madelyn and Gabriel for longer than I can remember. I let her hack off all my hair in preschool. I quit hockey for her. I broke my arm for her. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her . . . except this. She’s like my sister, the way we read each other so well. Sib closeness, I can deal with. That’s where it stops.

  On the exit, I push out so my back is facing Igor and I stare over the top of Mad’s head. Epic fail on my mission to fool our coach. “Again,” he says. “You must look, Gabriel.”

  This time, I watch the skate on Mad’s free foot as she circles around me. Igor is skating toward us before we’ve even finished the move. He nods at Mad. “Good, Madelyn. I have changed my mind. We listen to music now. Put it on.”

  Mad skates off, leaving me alone with the KGB. “I do not believe,” Igor says. “Make me believe.”

  I kick at the ice with my toe pick. Disrespectful, yeah, but a trip to the penalty box is sounding like a winning idea right now. I’ve known this day was coming. Known it since I first made myself look away from Mad’s arched chest and . . . “I can’t.”

  Igor steps closer, and I stop. I’m not sure what he’ll do if I accidentally kick him but I’m sure I don’t want to find out. His breath makes warm puffs of air in my face. “Do not tell me, ‘I can’t.’ ‘I can’t’ is not part of plan.”

  For years, I’ve trusted Igor’s plans. For good reason. He’s coached me and Mad to the national junior pair title and three Junior Grand Prix medals, including a fourth-place finish at the final last year. But . . . “This is Mad.”

  Igor’s stainless steel eyes glint at me. “You want to win, yes?”

  “Yes,” I whisper. Mom’s medals gleam in the back of my mind. I need to win.

  “So you pretend. You need me to, what do we say, write it out?”

  I don’t need Igor to spell it out. I know how to get a girl going. Trouble is, I’m not so hot at keeping things going. Mad returns and I ease her into the move once again, this time to the long desperate notes of the music. I look at her face. “Sister, sister, sister,” I chant to myself. But there’s a cartoon red devil on my shoulder reminding me I’m an only child. Okay then: “Friend?”

  My feeble attempt only spawns another devil. They slap each other five. “With benefits!” they chorus.

  Where the hell are my angels? “No.”

  I must’ve said it out loud, because Mad startles. She slips off her edge and falls out of the spiral. She was only a few inches from the ice, but still. Stupidest move in the world to fall on. Even juvenile pairs do it in their sleep. I help her up. “Sorry.”

  “Madelyn,” Igor says, his voice as sickly as a tornado-warning sky, “please go work on your brackets for a moment.”

  Igor’s temper usually blows on Chris’s shenanigans, but today, I get the twister cloud eyes. “I see you. All those girls, under bleachers at hockey games. What is problem here?” His gloved fingers curl, now black claws.

  I look at Mad, zipping through her brackets. She attacks the twisty turns, the determination fierce on her face. She puts so much power into the pattern that she almost slams into the barrier at the end. That’s the problem. I’ve compartmentalized my life for so long, but Mad has no fear of the barrier.

  I look back at Igor, watching me watch Mad. His fingers have relaxed in his gloves. “Is pretend,” he says, cajoling now. “But we are needing under the bleachers. Mind in storm drain.”

  If I let my mind go in the gutter, I’ll never get it out.

  “Madelyn,” Igor calls. “Get a drink. We resume.”

  I skate over for a drink, too. Anything to stall.

  Mad plunks her water bottle down on the barrier. She keeps her chin up but she doesn’t look at me. “Am I that disgusting?”

  “What?”

  “You won’t even look at me.”

  “No.” Shiny dark brown hair. Eyes as wide and blue as summer sky. Cheeks splashed with such tiny freckles that I want to lean in close just to see them. Barrier. God, I need that barrier. “Mad. No.”

  “Forget it, forget I said anything.” She skates back to Igor.

  I follow, but this time, it’s me stretching my hand out to her. Once more, we set up for the move. I do what Igor wants. I watch the white of Mad’s neck as her head dips backward, let my eyes trail from those perfect collarbones over the bloomed arch of her chest. Mad’s circling smoothly around me, but my whole world is waterfalling down the storm drain.

  On the exit, my heart is pounding so loud I can’t even hear the music. We present, arms locked out, free legs extended. But I can’t stop. I take an extra stroke toward Mad, my face right up to those barely there freckles. “You’re disgustingly beautiful.” With my eyes locked on hers, I miss Igor’s reaction. But I don’t need even a nod to know this time was exactly what he wanted.

  Karole Cozzo lives outside of Philadelphia with her loving husband, unendingly exuberant daughter, and eternally pleasant son. She is a school psychologist by day and a lover of all things colorful and creative by night. Karole spends her free time drawing with her young artists-in-residence, making photo books, decorating her h
ome, and of course, writing. How to Say I Love You Out Loud is her debut novel. Find her online at kacozzo.com.

  A Swoon Reads Book

  An imprint of Macmillan Publishers Limited

  First published in the US 2015 by Feiwel and Friends

  This electronic edition published 2015 by Macmillan Children’s Books

  an imprint of Pan Macmillan

  20 New Wharf Road, London N1 9RR

  Associated companies throughout the world

  www.panmacmillan.com

  ISBN 978-1-4472-9053-7

  Copyright © Karole Cozzo 2015

  The right of Karole Cozzo to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Book design by Anna Booth

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