The Final Lesson Plan

by Bright, Deena

  Dear Graham Russell and Russell Hitchcock (Initial members of the group Air Supply)

  I would never have gotten through my 6th grade breakup if it weren't for you. I listened to your greatest hits album over and over again until I was drained of all my tears. When Sirius Satellite Radio plays one of your songs on its Love station, I'm in all my glory. You just get me.

  Richard Simmons:

  You crack my shit up. I'm serious. Whenever you're on Howard Stern, I'm rolling. I was so excited to see you on General Hospital again this year for the Nurses' Ball, battling it out with Lucy Coe, yet again. It made my day. I even cried a little bit. You're a pretty cool dude.

  Mr. Big (Writer of "To Be With You")

  It's such a good song. What happened to you? I say, "Make that almighty comeback." I'll be the president of your fan club.

  Dear Harold Butler (Founder of Denny's restaurants):

  Well, I'm sitting at Denny's right now, writing my little heart out. Your "Moons Over My Hammy" is a sublime breakfast sandwich. It just melts in your mouth. My best friend and I used to frequent your establishment every time one of us was down, to just sit for hours and talk it out. Many of our breakups and heartache were sorted out within the walls of your restaurant. Denny's is our house of therapy and recovery.

  Dear Victoria Beckham "Posh Spice," Melanie Brown "Scary Spice," Emma Bunton "Baby Spice," Melanie Chisholm "Sporty Spice," and Gerri Halliwell "Ginger Spice" (The members of TheSpice Girls):

  Picture it: 1997 Cleveland, Ohio, center court of a Cavs game, and Deena Bright gets hypnotized during halftime. I was in the middle of the floor, alone, telling everyone "What I want, what I really really want." Then I was a jackhammer, and vibrated and jumped all over the court. Good times.

  Dear Coca~Cola (Owners of the Fuze beverage):

  When I was pregnant, I searched high and low for something to drink, something that tasted good, but wasn't loaded with caffeine and other fetus-fucking-up poisons. Finally, I found the Fuze. Thank you so much for that little slice of Heaven, when alcohol, Diet Coke, caffeine, and Sweet-n-Low were completely out of the question. One can only tolerate water for so long. Well, I guess water's pretty good for you, and you can tolerate it a great deal. But, who the Hell wants to drink water when everyone is slurping down Smirnoff Ice or margaritas?

  Dear C.S. Lewis (Author of the Narnia series):

  Your vivid descriptions make the scenes come to life, giving the reader an ample amount of visual imagery. You're an incredible writer and should be praised and honored for your work. You already have been? Not by me! So, here it is: You are superb. Be proud of you work.

  Dear David Crane and Marta Kauffman (Creators of the television show Friends):

  I will stop what I'm doing, sit down, and just kick it every time I stumble upon a Friends repeat on TBS. It is such a great show; the characterization is remarkable. I still enjoy it so much—even though I've seen every episode numerous times.

  Everyone has a favorite episode. Here's mine:

  I love love loved the episode when they are all trying to figure out who seduced whom when Ross got Rachel pregnant, and Rachel swore over and over again that Ross seduced her. I loved that Ross had it on tape, and she told the "sure thing story." It was hysterical. I was never a big Rachel fan, so I liked that she looked like a dumbass. One time, on Howard Stern, she (Jennifer Anniston) was rude to Stuttering John and wouldn't answer his questions. I stopped liking her then. By "not liking her," I mean, I just told people I didn't like her. I still watched every episode of Friends, and I still see every movie she's ever filmed. Man, I loved The Break Up; I cried through that entire movie, starting with when he didn't pick up the lemons.

  Dear Jeremy Leven (Writer of Don Juan DeMarco):

  Fucking loved your movie! I loved the theme and plot, but what put me over the top was how delicious Johnny Depp was throughout the entire movie. Depp fans, if you have not seen this movie, then you've certainly missed THE movie he is the sexiest in. Get it now! Now! Stop reading and go get it.

  Dear David Hertz (Writer of the movie, American Pie)

  Loved all the American Pie movies. They crack me up. I'm a big fan of high school, stupid comedies. They give me great joy and laughter. Every year during Romeo and Juliet, I have to teach the term, foil. Foils are two characters with opposing personalities, not enemies, but with different types of characterization. Mercutio is Romeo's foil. Romeo takes love seriously, while Mercutio does not. I use Stifler and Finch as examples of foils. Luckily, the CLEAN versions are on television a lot, so my freshmen have seen it. Thank you for being something I can use in my classroom, even if it is just a reference.

  Dear Nicholas Sparks (Writer of The Notebook and every other romance novel that leaves the reader in a giant puddle of heart-breaking tears):

  My favorite book of all time is Beach Music, by Pat Conroy. (Readers, you should totally read that shit up.) I love that book. It's wonderful. Anyway, after I read it, no other books could compare. For the first time ever in my life, I experienced READER'S BLOCK. I couldn't get into anything else. Then, my friend said, "You should read The Notebook." Oh thank you, Mr. Sparks for curing my reader's block. It was the worst thing ever. Your books wreck me, but I love being wrecked. Thank you.

  I would like to add something though, since I'm being honest. Now, I loved The Notebook; I truly did. But when I start analyzing it, I get a little mad at myself for liking it. I don't like to condone cheating; it totally pisses me off. Ali was cheating on her fiancé when she was hooking up with Noah. We can't forget that.

  Dear Larry Page and Sergey Brin (Founders of Google):

  I want to start by saying that I'm not that old. However, I seriously cannot remember a time when you weren't around. Maybe, it's because I don't want to remember a time when you weren't around. My world is a better, easier, more wonderful place, because you created Google. I'm not sure where I'd be without you. I'm serious. I certainly know that this particular "Accolades" section of my book wouldn't exist. How in the world would I know any of this stuff? I wouldn't, and I most definitely wouldn't look any of this crap up if it weren't so fucking easy. So yeah, thanks for making the lazy not seem so lazy. You rock! And another thing, I love when you change the letters of the word, Google, on the sign in page. So clever. But I do NOT like when I have to click something to make the Google sign show up or move.

  Side note: According to my research on Google, it is very difficult to become a spy (CIA agent). Not only do they want above a 3.5 grade point average, but they also want you to know two foreign languages and stay squeaky clean. No drugs. No alcohol. Nothing.

  Dear Anthony Ray (aka: Sir Mix-A-Lot):

  Totally timeless song! "Baby Got Back" will never get old or run its course. When the song starts, my head automatically just starts bobbing around. It really happens to everyone. I dare anyone to listen to that song without a bee-bopping head, tapping foot, and smile on their face. It's an automatic mood-booster. Who needs uppers when you've got "Baby Got Back?"

  Dear Urban Meyer:

  O-H…

  I loved Tressel; he has a special place in my heart. But dude, you're rocking that football team. To go undefeated when a bowl game isn't at stake is a huge, I mean huge, accomplishment. Keep up the good work, and I'll happily allow you to continue to wear scarlet and gray. I-O

  Dear Cleveland Indians:

  My first Tribe obsession was Franklin Gutierrez (look him up girls). Holy hotness on a skillet people! Then, after you Cleveland bastards traded him, I followed the drool and went along with the rest of world to obsess over Grady Sizemore. I mean, how could I not? But now, now, I am overjoyed once again. Thank you Cleveland for my beautiful, spunky, and charismatic Nick Swisher. Damn, love that guy. And he's a Buckeye fan. What more could I really want?

  Dear Cedar Point:

  You are the roller coast! Love me some roller coasters and upside downy rides! When I walk through that gate, I'm 10-years-old again. Thank you for giving me Po
nce de Leon's fountain of youth.

  Dear Kate Spade:

  I love you. I got over my Coach obsession. It's now you. I dig all of my Kate Spade bags and accessories. We should be best friends, so you can give me things for free. What do you think?

  Dear Gordon Gee:

  Thanks for my degree! I truly appreciate it. Since it's so hard to get into Ohio State now, I have this fear that one day you're going to knock on my door and revoke my degree. Back when I went to school there, I just needed a pulse to get in. Now, to get in, you can't even miss a question on your Kindergarten entrance exam. Please don't take my degree back. I kind of need it.

  Dear Walter Harrison:

  So University of Hartford, huh? Alright, nice work. I mean, what do I know about you? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. If you're doing well, then keep it up. If you suck, then get your head in the game and get to it.

  Dear NFL:

  What can we do about the Browns? Help us out. Throw us a bone.

  Dear Bruce Joel Rubin (Writer of Ghost):

  Love story? Are you freaking kidding me? I was scared out of my mind. I had diarrhea all night long. It was ridiculous. No way! Demi and Patrick were hot and all that, but it was a terrifying movie.

  Dear John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Thomas Paine

  (Our forefathers who wrote The U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights):

  "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or of the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." First Amendment to the Constitution

  You fucking rock! Thank you for writing that little piece of literary genius. I shall forever be indebted to your intellectual superiority. Proud to be an American.

  My husband for being the rock I needed when I was crumbling and ready to give up.

  My friends and family who love and support me, even when they don't necessarily agree with my decisions. I changed their names, because they don't want to be listed in a raunchy book. But yet, they still love me. Big Yucky, Tarbubble Tart, Cardinal Fan, Sofia's Mom, Softball Coach, Sophia Chamberlain, Poole Girl, Aurora, Nacho, and Volley chick.

  My online imaginary friends who have quickly become an important part of my daily existence:

  Michael Burhans: Your humor and wit amuse me. But I love your passion for the underdog; you're always fighting against the injustices in this world.

  Debra Celentano: You rock my life; I know I tell you that all the time. You do so much for me. You are the guru of blog tours.

  Angela McLaurin: You are the best cyber fairy money can buy, but actually your love is FREE! I love my Fictionally Formatted masterpiece. Authors, if you are looking for beautiful formatting work, then look up Angela at Fictional Formats.

  Lisa Rutledge: You make my world a brighter place. You make me laugh and give me confidence.

  Denise Tung: I wouldn't be where I am today without your support and encouragement. I will someday hug you and squeeze you.

  Beth Ehemann: Thank you for stalking me. It makes me feel so important. Thank you also for fighting my online enemies.

  Connie Johnson: Thank you for filling me in on all the black/white stereotypes and relationships.

  Janessa Osborne: I am so thankful for your outstanding pimping abilities. "Just keep pimping. Just keep pimping."

  Christine Zolendz: I love our talks and inappropriate jokes and laughter.

  My spectacular BETA readers: Stephanie Bailey, J.d. Berner, and Shannon Girard.

  And finally, those wild and crazy DARK SIDERS!! You've spiced up many of my evenings, igniting many of my humdrum nights.

  And last, but certainly not least, thank you so much to the wonderful bloggers out there, who promote Indie author work. We would be writers without readers if we didn't have you. Nobody wants that. A special thank you to those of you who agreed to promote The Final Lesson Plan: Schooled II during its kickoff Blog Tour.

  In order of the BLOG TOUR appearance:

  The Book Enthusiast, Debra Celentano/Cindy Meyer

  Angela's Smexy Book Reviews, Angela Glass

  Stephanie's Book Reports, Stephanie Phillips

  Peace Love Books, Crystal

  Sarah's Book Blog, Sarah

  Book Nerds Anonymous, Derna Fearon

  The Book Whore-der's Delights, Wendy Rex

  Chrissy Sharp

  The Blushing Reader, Michelle Cole

  The Phantom Paragrapher, Paula Phillips

  The Book Blog, Jennifer Noe

  Reality Bites, Let's Get Lost, Michele

  Book Ramblings of a Neurotic Mom, Shona Lawrence

  Reading Delightz, Sherri Zee

  Mary Elizabeth's Crazy Book Obsession, Mary Tatar

  Rose's Book Blog, Rose Caceres

  Winding Stairs Book Blog, Christy Murphy

  Sugar and Spice Book Reviews, Brandi Franklin

  So Many Books, So Little Time, Amber

  Book Bitches Blog, Lisa Maurer

  All Romance Review, Michelle and Pepper

  The Book Hookers, Tray Davis

  Becca the Bibliophile, Becca Manuel

  Wine, Relaxation, and my Kindle, Dr. Melannie White

  Sandwich Making Book Bitches, Stephenie Phillipsen

  Scandalous Book Blog, Natasha Bennett

  Sofia Loves Books, Sofia Lazaridou

  Up All Night Book Addict, Amber Gleisner