No. Just turn back. You know what will happen. “I’d love to.”
He seemed almost relived as she said it, as if he’d been expecting her to reject him. He smiled, reaching out and taking her hand in his. The feel of his skin against her sent a shock up her arm and she met his eyes. His hand, so much larger than her own, enveloped hers in warmth. It made her feel safe and she melted into that warmth, letting it ease the guilt she felt at his touch. He smiled mischievously and pulled her off the trail.
She followed willingly, her curiosity drowning any protest. Tall grass whipped against her arms as they darted through the underbrush, slowing only to bypass the occasional rock or fallen tree. At one point, they startled a deer and Kirheen jumped, clinging to Ian. He laughed, wrapping his arm around her protectively. Once the fear had passed, she burst into giggles, adrenaline dredging up girlish jitters she so seldom felt.
At that point they walked hand in hand and eventually entered a beautiful moonlit clearing. The grass was tinged blue in the light of the moon and it swayed back and forth with the gentle breeze. The motion and sound was almost hypnotic. He led her a little further and then plopped down on the ground. Kirheen looked down at him, eyes curious. “What are we doing?”
“I wanted to watch the stars,” he smiled. He laid back, his fingers laced behind his head. Kirheen joined him, making herself comfortable in the grass, as comfortable as she could be being so close to Ian. She tried not to think about the bugs that crawled on the ground beneath and around her. Even more so, she tried not to think about how close they lay, tried not to think about the heat radiating from him or the smell of cinnamon and apple that still clung to his breath. She turned her attention to the sky above and it was momentarily consumed by the beauty of the moon. Thousands of stars twinkled overhead and she felt her breath escaped in a rush.
“It’s so beautiful,” she whispered.
“It is,” Ian sighed but his tone implied it wasn’t the sky he spoke of. He rolled onto his side, watching Kirheen with his luminous eyes. Feeling his gaze, she rolled towards him. His face was stern and serious and he reached out hesitantly and brushed a strand of hair out of her face, tucking it gently behind her ear. His fingers lingered a moment longer than they should have. “Kirheen, I think they got it all wrong. I don’t love Isa. I care about her, I respect her, but I don’t feel with Isa the way I feel every time I’m around you.”
Kirheen was stunned, her mouth gaping open but words failed her. His confession so mirrored her own and she found herself feeling foolish that she’d doubted it all along. All this time, he’d had feelings for her too. She sat up, suddenly feeling sick to her stomach. To hear him actually say it unknotted something in her, something she’d kept locked up and hidden. Years of pent up feelings were now free to be expressed and the feeling nearly brought her to tears.
Ian gripped her shoulder and when she met his gaze his eyes were sorrowful. He looked on the verge of breaking, as if his entire sense of self hung on her response. He was waiting for the validation he’d just given her, clinging to a fragile hope that still had a chance of slipping through his fingers. “I’m so sorry, Kir. I shouldn’t have ever confessed this to you. It was foolish. I just thought that maybe…”
Kirheen couldn’t help herself. She laughed, a great shaky thing that forced its way from her belly and filled the air around them before fading away into the night. Despite his fear, Ian smiled. “It wasn’t foolish. It never was, Ian. I feel the same way. I’m sorry… this just came as a shock. I feel like I can hardly breathe.”
His face shifted through a myriad of emotions before it settled on pure, unadulterated joy. He sidled closer to her, his green eyes searching hers for the truth. “You really mean it? All of it?”
“I do.”
You’re Bonded…
And then he was there, his hands cupping her face. He leaned forward, bringing his lips to her ear. She shivered at the touch and he whispered softly. “Then please allow me this. Just this once.”
Chapter 21
Garild had never had such fun. In all his youth, he’d never experienced the elated joy that good food and good conversation could bring. Mingling with friends had brought a sense of peace to his soul that seemed to have been missing over the long winter months. He felt whole again.
He could hardly contain his cheer and he went seeking the one person with whom he wanted to share it with. He fully expected to find her tucked away in a corner, possibly hording a number of small chocolate cakes while trying to avoid the dancing and conversation she cared little for. But she wasn’t there. Garild realized with thundering disappointment that she wasn’t in the room at all. She was gone.
And so was Ian.
His happiness was a glass ball of emotion that someone had picked up and hurled against the floor. It shattered and out spilled a swirling glob of confusion and anger. He tried not to jump to conclusions, tried not to let that thought filter through his brain, but he’d seen the way they looked at each other. He couldn’t have been imagining the awkward way in which they stood near each other, or how their eyes would meet in conversation only to flitter away again before either of them could notice the other staring.
He closed his eyes, focusing hard on his missing bond mate. Instead of a general sense of her direction, he was hit with a pulsating wave of conflicting emotions. It was tumultuous, like a waterfall of emotion crashing over his head. There was fear and longing and shame all pulling at his heart, each emotion tugging a separate string until he felt like he’d come unraveled.
He struggled to separate himself from the emotions. They’d hit like a freight train, barreling through his defenses. He tried to move towards the door but his legs felt laden with an unbearable amount of weight, a weight that threatened to drag him into a pit of despair he would never leave. Staggering, he made his way towards the door. If only he could get outside, maybe he’d be able to breath.
But he couldn’t make it. It was too much. He was fighting a battle he couldn’t win and he didn’t want to feel anymore. He just wanted to block off his mind and to do that he needed help. This wasn’t something he could do alone.
The woman swimming in his vision regarded him with a cold stare as he approached.
“Please help me,” Garild begged. His legs slid out from under him and he found himself at her feet.
“What is it, boy? Speak,” the woman demanded.
And so he did.
And so Herzin listened.
Just this once.
Just once.
Ian slid his lips away from her ear, kissing a line across her cheek until he found his way to her mouth. When his lips pressed against her own, the world seemed to spin. His lips were warm and soft and the taste of apples was sweet on his tongue. Nobody could teach such perfection. This was natural, meant to be.
Even if you yearn…
You are Bonded.
Finding her willing, his kisses grew more passionate, his hands roaming from her face. His strong hands pressed against her shoulders, pushing her back into the grass and he followed her down, his lips never leaving hers. The feel of his body pressed against her own was almost too much to bear, the feel of the blood rushing through her veins, the beating of her heart making her feel out of control.
This can’t be a mistake.
A hand wandered down her body, pressing against her side and traveling to her hip. His fingers dug into her flesh and she gasped. Fingers danced down her thigh, coming to rest behind her knee. He pulled her closer and she felt herself slip, anticipation drowning out her senses like a drug. She let her own hands travel, feeling the firmness of his chest, the strength of his shoulders. Her fingers found the sash of his robe and she undid the knot, slipping it off of his waist. She reached up to push back his robes when she felt the first whisper of warning, a slight tingle of pain echoing softly in her mind.
It was ignored in favor of the lips nestled against her neck.
A whisper turned into an inferno a
nd she found herself flowing with anger, an unwarranted aggression bursting out of her. She pushed Ian away from her, trying to shake away the anger but it clung to her, sticky syrup coating her synapses in red.
Ian looked angry himself, his face a mask of hurt and confusion. And then he went rigid. He fell to the side, his hands gripping the sides of his head. A cry forced itself out of his throat and he rolled back and forth on the ground. Kirheen sat up quickly, terrified that she had caused the pain he now felt. She scrambled on hands and knees towards him, only to be stopped by an intense bolt of pain that struck her mind like a bolt of lightning.
Her ears began to ring, a gentle chime that rose into a horrifying cacophony of sound. She felt something warm drip from her nose and she raised a hand to her face, panicking as her fingertips came away bloody. No, no, no... Please, not this. Please…She made a desperate attempt to block her mind but it was much too late. The pain ripped through her, cutting through her defenses like they were made of butter.
There was yelling from across the field and a familiar voice cut through the fog of pain.
“Stop, please! You’re hurting them! You’ve got to stop!”
Another wave of pain sent her doubling over and she heaved into the grass, feeling her stomach spasm painfully. And then it was her whole body, shaking violently and completely out of her control.
This is how it ends…
A broken bond…
Payment for my folly…
Everything faded but the pain. She lay in the grass, her body twitching violently. It seemed like hours before the pain finally stopped but her mind was gone. It wandered in that dark space again, alone and afraid. And this time, she didn’t think it would ever return.
Chapter 22
In the early hours of the day, Tomias had promised a final attempt. This is it, he’d told himself. After this you’ll rest. But he hadn’t rested. Exhaustion hovered over him, and each attempt brought him further and further into its grasp. He wouldn’t give up… no matter what it cost him. And so after every failed attempt, he remade his promise, knowing full well he’d never follow through with it.
He pushed forward, gently prodding Kirheen’s mind. He desperately tried to find a way through the wreckage that had been left behind, past the pain and fear to the place where she hid. So far, his attempts had been fruitless. She remained in a deep slumber, her mind lost to him once again.
She was lucky to even be alive. Herzin hadn’t been merciful when she’d found them in the field, doing what young people do best. Whether it was the nature of the crime itself or the fact that it involved Kirheen, it had made the old crone nearly insane with rage. It had taken Nyson himself to subdue her and he was none too happy about it.
Word had spread like wildfire and rumors with it. Bonded and instructors alike were confined to their homes until word was received from the Union Master. That meant Tomias was stuck in a home with two broken students, one on her death bed and the other lost in a land of his own misery.
Upon arriving, Garild had plunked down before the empty fire place and he hadn’t moved since. He stared off into space, his eyes glossy and distant. He hadn’t spoken a word and he refused to eat. It seemed a miracle that he even allowed himself to breath. Tomias couldn’t exactly blame him. He’d been betrayed in the worst way possible. Unfortunately, his choice of confidant had nearly cost Kirheen her life.
It pained him to look at her. The soft flesh around her eyes was terribly swollen and bruised, her nose a network of broken vessels. There was a welt on the side of her face from where she’d hit the ground in violent spasms and her lip was broken and bloody. The outside appearance was bad enough, but it was the internal damage that worried him. Trista had done a thorough evaluation and had declared that while the outside damage would heal, the internal damage could very well kill her and there was little she could do to help.
On occasion, she’d spasm wildly and Tomias would hold her down, keeping her as still as he could to prevent her from hurting herself more. These moments filled him with terror and each spasm he expected to be her last.
He’d been by her side for two days, watching and waiting. Most of his sleep was done in the chair he’d dragged to her bedside and his waking moments were spent trying to crack through her walls. If he could just get in, even the slightest bit, he might be able to talk to her, to wrestle her away from the darkness that gripped her. He prodded gently at her walls and was met with a wave of resistance that pushed him back until he could no longer withstand the pressure. He broke the contact and lowered his head into his hands, trying to keep his headache at bay.
“You need to stop,” Fenir said, his tone carefully measured. Tomias didn’t even have to lift his head to know he stood in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. “She’s not likely to make it, mind or no mind. The sooner we all accept that the better.”
Tomias prickled with frustration. He ground his teeth together, trying to keep his anger from leaking into his words. It really wasn’t his fault. He was being logical, something Tomias was most certainly not. “I can’t just give up on her, Fenir. If I had paid closer attention, maybe I could have stopped this. I just…”
“This isn’t your fault, brother. Regret will change nothing. You need rest or pretty soon you’ll be joining her. Go lay down. I know this is important to you. I’ll keep trying.”
“Be gentle with her,” he said aloud and his twin nodded. His bones creaked and his muscles protested as he slowly rose to his feet. Too long sitting had aged him. He could feel every ache of body and mind as he made his way to the other bed. Lacking the energy to even pull back the covers, he let himself fall forward into the pillows, his arms sprawled off to either side of the bed. He kept his face turned away from Kirheen, hoping to block her from his mind, but when he closed his eyes, it was her broken face that filled his dreams.
He awoke hours later, though he felt no more rested then he had when he’d gone to bed. He sat up, expecting to find his brother watching him from across the room. Instead, it was Garild that greeted him. He stared down at Kirheen, his expression blank. When he heard Tomias move, he raised his head, his brown eyes dull and tinged with red. He said nothing, just stared for a moment before lowering his gaze. “Why did she do it,” he asked to no one in particular. “We are…we were Bonded.”
Tomias sighed, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. The poor boy was a wreck, his face contorted with a strange mix of grief, fear and anger. The anger was a dull thing, glowing like coals beneath his other emotions. “Garild, I’m so sorry. I know this hurts."
“We were Bonded, Tomias. Does that mean nothing,” Garild asked, his eyes filling with tears. “Did it really mean so little to her?”
He wasn’t ready to deal with this. How could he even begin to explain to Garild the complexity of something as strange and wild as love? How could he make him see that it was their very nature that drove them to such things? “I can’t speak for her. What she did…it was wrong. I hope when she wakes she is able to give you the answers you seek. ”
Garild wiped at his eyes, his hands shaking. “It’s been days...is she even going to wake up?”
“I honestly don’t know. I’m doing everything I can to bring her through this. I can only hope it will be enough.”
“Please bring her back. I may hate her right now but…but I can’t bear to lose her. I can’t…” He leaned forward, taking hold of her hand. He raised it to his lips and kissed her finger tips softly, as if he feared breaking her. Something slipped from him then, the last of his hope draining out with his tears. “There’s to be a trial, you know? Nyson himself is going to judge them...”
Tomias couldn’t suppress the shiver that ran through him. He must have been sleeping when they’d made the announcement. If Nyson was overseeing the trial, things could only be worse than he’d feared. “We’ll figure this all out… I’ll do whatever I can to protect you both.”
Garild nodded and shambled out of the room, as l
ively as a corpse. Tomias was no better as he crossed the short distance separating himself from Kirheen. He reached down a hand, resting his palm on her forehead. So cold… Her skin was dreadfully pale, so devoid of color that she seemed to be made of ash instead of flesh. The only sign that she still lived came from the steady rise and fall of her chest. He shook his head. What more could he possibly do for her? It would take more than his powers to pull her from the shattered center of her mind.
And even if she did wake, there was the trial to deal with and Nyson would not take her crime lightly. She’d be punished, likely stripped of her bond and exiled. Tomias couldn’t let that happen. He had failed to notice the turmoil brewing around him, had failed to divert Kirheen down a better path and if he didn’t do anything, she was going to pay the price for his ignorance. It was his responsibility.
And so he slipped from the window, landing in the grass with a huff. The movement sent shocks through his tired muscles and he leaned against the wall of the house until the spasms passed. The sun shone brightly above him, stinging eyes that had spent days in a dreary room. He had to squint until they adjusted to the light and then he set out on the path that would lead him to Nyson.
His home had taken root between the space occupied by the Bonded to the South and their instructors to the North. Nestled in a grove of ancient wraith wood trees, it was a small home for a man of such importance. Tomias didn’t even bother to knock when he reached the front door. He simply walked in, his current mood providing a level of indifference when it came to following formalities.
Tomias had never thought to question what his dwelling might look like. Seeing it now, he realized it was just what he would expect from a man like Nyson. The room was wide, open and scarcely furnished. Every stick of furniture had a purpose and there was no room left over for frivolous things such as décor.
Nyson sat behind an ornately carved wraith wood table, a piece of faded parchment gripped between his fingers. His slate blue eyes wandered from the paper in his hand and settled on Tomias with a look of mild annoyance. Annoyed he may have been but he seemed hardly surprised to see him there. “You seem to have left your manners on the other side of the door," he said dryly. He nodded towards the empty chair across from him, his lips pulled into a disapproving frown. “Have a seat.”
The Bonded: The Allseer Trilogy Book I Page 18