by Kady Hunt
7.
DANIEL
I look at the stars as a way of forgetting her but they only remind me of her eyes. We’re on the floor of the terrace and I don’t even remember how that happened exactly. All I know, is that we’re lying there, next to each other and looking up at the sky and I keep asking myself how did I get here? But it’s not like I’m complaining.
“Daniel,” Jamie says. “Do you know anything about constellations?”
I have to squint to see the constellations that are up in the horizon.
“No,” I say, and she snickers. “Neither do I.”
Her hand is touching mine but I don’t have the courage to actually hold it. It’s giving me goosebumps and I wonder if she notices and if she’s getting the same problem. We only had one refill of our drinks and I’m not really drunk, just enjoying a slight buzz. But she might be a bit of a lightweight because ever since the refill she keeps giggling at the tiniest jokes. I know I’m not that funny. But I like that she’s having a good time with me.
I don’t want this to stop.
“Do you believe in destiny, Daniel?”
“Not really.”
“Skeptic?”
“You could say that,” I say. “But I prefer to think of it as intelligence.”
“That’s a bit presumptuous!”
“Not if you believe in stupid things like destiny.”
“Predeterminism is actually a very strong philosophy.”
“I’ll give you that.”
“So, you never think about it? Ever?”
“Well,” I confess. “Maybe sometimes, I toy with the idea.”
“So a part of you does believe in it?”
“I wouldn’t say that exactly.”
“Then what would you say?”
“You know what,” I say. “You clearly wanted to bring this up. So forget about me. Tell me what you think about it. You really think everything we do is predestined? That there’s no free will?”
“Honestly,” she says. “At times I like the idea of destiny. Of having someone, a soulmate…or something.”
“Wow, you’re really into the whole soulmate thing, huh?”
“You don’t think soulmates exist?”
“Honestly,” I say. “I think this is the sort of stuff that sells women’s magazines. ‘Find your soulmate in ten easy steps!’ Wear this, eat that, think the way we want you think—until you become some Xerox copy of a Xerox copy of someone who makes money from the magazines.”
“I suppose you have a point.”
“Look, Jamie. Reality is boring, okay? That’s why we need fantasy. And this stuff, soulmates and destinies and the perfect marriage, this is stuff we’re sold every day from people who make a living out of conning us.”
She turns to me and her eyes are looking right into mine.
“What’s so wrong with believing in a little magic, Daniel?”
Oh my God, I want to kiss her so bad.
This situation is getting out of control. She has a boyfriend, my brain reminds me. But is it me or is she actually leaning in? Does she maybe…want this?
Well, Daniel, there’s only one way to find out.
8.
JAMIE
There’s no other way to explain it but that it just felt right.
One moment we were lying on the terrace floor, looking up at the sky and talking about destinies and soulmates, and the next our faces were so close I could see his brown eyes staring back into mine and then we sort of fell into the magnetic field that was being created by our energies and there was no choice but to let go…
So I did.
He tasted of mint gum and a little of bourbon. But he also tasted like himself. I know I’m inexperienced when it comes to these things, but when it’s right, its right and this was—right.
I couldn’t even imagine a first kiss being better than this. I’ve kissed a few guys in school and then in college, and of course I’ve kissed Alex a few times, but I never once felt this way—as though some sort of electricity had just plummeted within my being and I was floating into him, not kissing, not making out, nothing that crude but doing something ephemeral—out of this world, that’s what it felt like. Truly, transcendence exists. I’ve felt it. Even if I feel nothing for the rest of my life I will have this, for as long as I live.
I don’t even know what he thinks of me and I’m already thinking such things. But he seems to be in the same trance as I am. And he could be making it all up, but he would have to be a damned good liar to manage it and from what little I know of him, he’s one of those straightforward guys, who say whatever they’re thinking instead of making you skip through hoops just to have a relationship, like Alex.
When he breaks off he’s propped on one elbow and looks into my eyes. It looks like he’s about to say something when the terrace door opens and the minute we hear it we both sit up straight.
“Jamie?” I hear Alex’s voice and can’t believe he actually found me. I can’t even believe he actually bothered to look for me in the first place. But I guess he’s in one of his moods again and he’s probably seen us kissing but there’s nothing I can do about it at this point.
I get up and Daniel stays on the floor, his eyes lowered and it feels like he’s trying not to look at me. “Jamie,” Alex says. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Come on let’s go! The night is still young, there’s fun to be had! What’re you doing here with some loser?”
Daniel doesn’t speak a word in response.
I don’t know what to say and decide it would be better if I just left with Alex for now. I can’t exactly sit there with Daniel, he hasn’t even offered. I’m here with Alex. What the hell was I doing kissing someone else?
I take one last look at Daniel’s form but he’s still not looking back at me. So I leave with Alex. Alex takes me downstairs, to the dance floor but we’re not dancing. Instead, he pours us both a drink and we sit on a booth. It’s a little strange, being with Alex after I know what it feels like to be with Daniel. But that guy doesn’t even believe in soulmates and I’m certain he’s not too keen on the concept of love. Besides, I’m here with Alex. I’ve made that decision by coming here with him; I shouldn’t be going back on it so fast.
“Here,” Alex gets me another Blue Hawaiian and slips in next to me on the booth. He nuzzles my neck and it feels strange. Not natural the way it felt with Daniel. It never feels that way with Alex. Subconsciously, that’s probably one of the reasons I haven’t slept with him yet. But of course it’s one of many reasons that I don’t want to get into because I don’t want to admit them to myself.
“You and that guy,” Alex says, sitting up straight. “Should I be worried?”
“Alex he’s just a friend.”
“You don’t kiss your friends like that.”
So, he did see it.
I have no idea what I’m supposed to say next. “Alex—” I struggle to find words but he places a finger on my lips.
“It’s okay,” he says. “I’m not mad, babe.”
“Alex,” I say. “It meant nothing.”
I almost can’t believe the way the lie just slipped through without much effort on my part. But the minute it does, I feel horrible. I shouldn’t be lying. I shouldn’t be cheating on Alex, especially with someone I barely even know. At least I know some facts about Alex because we work at the same place. I don’t even know who Daniel really is. For all I know, he could just be pretending to be into me.
“Jamie,” Alex says. “I believe you.”
We finish our drinks and head upstairs. And I know I’ve had only about four Blue Hawaiians but I feel so sleepy. It has to be because I haven’t slept well the previous night. And then I realize that I’m not just sleepy, I’m drunk. Fine, I happen to be a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, but still, I feel it a lot more tonight than I’ve ever felt it before in my life. Perhaps that last one was one drink too many.
I bump against a wall and Alex helps me find my balance.
He seemed smashed before but right now, I’m a lot drunker than him. Alex basically has to help me to the room so I don’t fall or crack my head against the walls. I wait patiently for him to open the door with a keycard and when he does I go in.
It’s dark in there.
I can’t see a thing.
“Alex?”
Alex closes the door and comes towards me, hugs me from behind. “Babe,” he says. “You know I’ve been patient all this time.”
I nod.
“Well,” he says. “I don’t think I can keep being patient anymore.”
I nod again.
God, I’m smashed.
“I’ve been good to you, right?” Alex says. “I need the same from you in return.”
“Okay…”
“Jamie,” Alex says. “Why don’t you start taking your clothes off, and get under the sheets. I need to use the bathroom. I’ll join you soon.”
This time I know I have no choice.
And it could have been the alcohol but I feel like maybe I want to have sex this time. Maybe it’s the fact that Daniel has fired me up, but I know it’s not just that. My brain isn’t exactly working in full capacity, and I know Alex asked me to take off my clothes but even in my uninhibited state I can’t seem to pull it off. So I do the next best thing: I slide off my panties and they drop to the floor, and I take off my high heels. I’m wearing a really short dress and I get into bed, hoping that tonight perhaps Alex and I can find a resolution. I keep thinking Alex isn’t so bad. He did bring me here when he could have brought anyone. And he has been paying for everything ever since we got here. I know it’s stupid to think that I owe him sex because he’s been nice to me or because he’s paying for me, but that’s not it.
Before Daniel entered my life, I liked Alex.
Actually, my dislike for Alex started around the same time as that encounter with Holden, who just happens to be Daniel’s friend? Maybe the two are just playing with me. I don’t know for sure if they’re sincere. It’s cold and I turn on my side, wishing there was a blanket or something, when a heavy arm falls over me.
This is it.
Now or never, Jamie.
I know I can’t freak out. And honestly, I’m feeling some very conflicting feelings at the moment. My body is asking me to do things that I wouldn’t normally allow it to do.
Alex isn’t wearing any clothes either; I realize when he tries to bring me closer to his bare chest.
I let him.
He trails his fingers over my bare thigh, lifting the dress up in the process.
I do nothing to stop him.
He turns me to himself, and pulls me close to his chest and I bury myself in it. I’m no longer cold. His body feels like a blanket, spreading warmth all over me. Maybe this wasn’t going to be such a disaster. Maybe I was just making a huge deal out of it.
“Can I please say something,” I say, my face still buried in Alex’s chest. “Before…before we go further?”
“Mmmhmm.”
“I’m a virgin.”
“Hmmm.”
“I guess it doesn’t matter to you, huh?” I say. “And I’ve been worrying myself sick, thinking you might hate it, that’s why I never said anything.”
He kisses my forehead.
The gesture is so filled with love I can’t help but think I’ve been afraid for no reason at all. Either way the cat is out of the bag, there’s nothing to fear. I can truly put my heart and soul into this because I feel like I’ve been missing something important; I just had no idea that I was missing it until now.
We kiss and honestly, it’s nothing like our kisses before.
Nothing is like before.
He lifts my dress and his mouth kisses my navel. His tongue creates wet tracks along my thighs. I’ve never felt such pleasure before. I have had orgasms but never this intense. And they just keep coming, one after another as he keeps going and when he finally enters me I think it’s going to hurt, but he has managed to lube me up so well I only feel a slight pain, pain that fades and gives way to an intense, pleasurable session. He’s hard and the feeling of him filling me up so completely, it’s out of this world and gives me an even more powerful orgasm. He’s exceptionally sweet; giving and caring, I can see that now. His embrace bares it all, and his kisses reveal a deep, all-consuming desire to love; while his lovemaking is the epitome of warmth and tenderness, variegated with extraordinary strength and a subtle but commanding sensuality. He tears me apart and brings me back together again.
And when it’s over, we’re both tangled, our arms and our bodies intertwined, and he’s still oddly affectionate and cuddles with me.
I can’t remember the exact moment I passed out, but I know that for the first time in a long time, I was strangely content.
9.
HOLDEN
I wake up with my face buried into her hair. And because I have morning wood, I press myself into Natalie’s back and try to wake her and place tiny kisses on her bare shoulders. I can’t remember anything that happened the previous night which is strange but not unusual—I’ve woken up blank before, with no memory whatsoever of what went on. At least I’m in my room and she’s with me. I’ve woken up in far stranger places with far stranger women. You don’t even want to know.
Natalie groans a little when I press harder into her and I rub my hand over her bare thighs. But she’s still sleeping and that makes me smile. Just the fact that she didn’t sleep with her husband, and chose instead to spend the night here means she actually made an effort. And I’m not about to let her down.
My erection seems to agree. “Babe,” I say, whispering in her ear. “Wake up.”
She turns to me, still sleepy, and cuddles me so I cuddle back.
The smell of her hair, it’s intoxicating as I kiss her forehead.
“What happened last night?” I ask. “How come you’re sleeping here?”
“Don’t remember…” she mumbles in a sleepy voice and almost squeezes me so I squeeze back.
“Me neither,” I say.
“I’m hungry, Alex.”
For a minute, I think maybe my ears heard it wrong. Maybe she said something else, something besides the name of a guy who was harassing this incredibly sweet girl the other day in the hotel hallway.
“Nat…it’s me…Holden.”
Suddenly, she looks up.
I break away from her and take a look at her face. The room is dark, but not dark enough to hide her features now. I don’t see Natalie. I see someone, a random naked girl and I can’t remember where I’ve seen her.
The first thought that comes to my mind—Holden you piece of shit, you slept with some strange woman and brought her to your room you idiot! And then, while she stares blankly at me, I realize that she’s probably going through the same motions. I recall that she’s not a stranger at all, that she’s the same sweet girl I was thinking about earlier from the hallway incident! Is she really into one night stands? She didn’t look the type, but what the fuck do I know? Sometimes, people surprise you.
But when she starts screaming and grabs a sheet to cover her, almost leaps off the bed and continues to scream, that’s when I realize something is seriously wrong. I try to recall her name but I can’t remember it. “Hey,” I say. “Calm down.”
But she’s still freaking out and when she turns around I realize that I’m completely naked, morning wood and all, and I grab a pillow to cover myself too, something I’ve never done before but I can tell she’s having trouble with where she’s woken up. And then, I remember her name. “Jamie. Calm down, okay?”
“Get out!” she screams, still trying not to look at me.
“Get out?” I say. “This is my room!”
“No, it’s not!” she screams again. “This is my room! Alex and I have been staying here! What’re you doing in my bed?”
For a second, I think maybe she’s right. Maybe I was drunk and out of it so I might have crashed in her room. “Jamie,” I gesture to the armchair. “Look aro
und. All of this is my stuff. This isn’t your room.”
She’s shaking and crying uncontrollably and when she takes a look around, it’s obvious she realizes she’s the intruder, not me. “How did I get here?” she sobs. “I don’t understand, how did I get here!”
“I’m wondering the same thing, Jamie.”
“No no no no no this isn’t happening! This isn’t happening!” she screams, grabbing her clothes from the floor and putting them on one by one. I realize maybe I should do the same, it would be less embarrassing. So I grab my jeans and slide it on and throw on a button-down shirt. I have hardly buttoned up when she totally breaks out crying one more time and I can’t help but go towards her. I try to calm her down but I’m not even sure if I should be touching her. “I’m sorry about this,” I say. “Look, just go back to your boyfriend. Forget this ever hap—”
She seems to have been struck by lightning. “Alex,” she says, and drops on the bed.
“Yes I know,” I say. “I know you’re with Alex…”
“I think he drugged me.”
Suddenly, the events of last night start unraveling inside my head and it’s as though my memory was just waiting to hear those very words. “Uh,” I say. “Someone drugged you too?”
She glances up with her tear-stained eyes. “What do you mean, you too?”
“Some guy,” I say. “I’m not sure what happened but someone put roofies in my drink when I wasn’t looking. And then I was with Natalie…” I also remembered that strange male figure in the room, but I don’t tell her that.
“What do I do now?” she says. “What the fuck do I do?”
“You can’t go back,” I say, only because now I’m genuinely concerned for her wellbeing. “Who knows what he wanted you to do.”