by Kady Hunt
“Hey,” Holden whispers in my ear. “Didn’t you have to go to the ladies room?”
I smile at Pierre and Natalie. “Right,” I say. “Guess I’ll catch you two later.”
“Leaving already?” Pierre asks.
“Not leaving,” Holden says, and winks. “Just going to the ladies’ room.”
Pierre laughs and rubs Natalie’s back. “What do you say, honey?” he says. “Maybe we can both go to the men’s room? I know you like quickies.”
“Pierre,” Natalie says.
I can tell whatever game Holden has been playing is having an effect on her. She looks and sounds totally jealous. It’s strange because Pierre sounds like a nice guy. But I guess that’s what happens to nice people—they get cheated on.
Holden and I head towards the bathrooms and he actually pulls me inside the ladies’ room and pushes me against a wall.
“What’re you doing?” I ask.
Holden places a finger on his lips. “Just play along,” he says and starts kissing me.
I break off. “Why?” I ask. “She’s not here!”
Holden looks at me. “She will be,” he says. “Trust me.”
We wait.
A woman comes inside and sees us and Holden starts fake-moaning and saying dirty things until she leaves. Despite the circumstances, it makes me laugh.
“Someone likes dirty talk,” Holden says, still standing against me, ready to start acting the minute someone comes in.
“This is stupid,” I say.
“But you’re laughing,” he says. “So it’s definitely good stupid.”
“Is that your infamous sweet-talk?”
“Oh baby,” Holden says, making a fake seductive face. “If I turn on the Holden Danvers’ infamous sweet-talk, you won’t know what hit you.”
“Hmmm.”
“Are you getting excited, Jamie? Is that it? Do you want some of the Holden Danvers, baby?”
“Right,” I say. “Cause there’s nothing more exciting than standing in a bathroom and fake-moaning your way through a fake-quickie.”
“Hey, it can be real if you want.”
“Shut up, Holden!”
Someone turns the doorknob from outside and Holden starts kissing me again.
It’s Natalie.
“Whoa,” she says, but walks right in and goes over to the sink to wash her hands. “You two are still at it? Don’t you have a room or something?”
“Hey,” Holden says, caressing my face. “We’re young. We don’t live like you old couples. I know the fun has already gone out of your lives but we can still be spontaneous.”
“Oh we’re plenty spontaneous,” she says and uses some kind of lotion on her hands. “Nice running into you, Jamie. Hopefully, someday we can meet outside of a bathroom.”
She leaves and Holden starts to laugh. “Oh my God, did you see that?” he says. “She was totally pissed!”
“Yes,” I say. “I noticed. Now could you please get off me?”
“Oh,” he says and breaks off. “Was I hurting you?”
“No,” I say. Not in the way you think.
We both head out and leave the bathroom to the ladies waiting outside and Holden ducks from his mother and some guy who looks like a bodyguard. “Oh no,” he says. “She brought reinforcements.”
“Who is that?”
“That’s her bodyguard, Max.”
“But, isn’t Max the one who gave you the tickets?”
“Yeah,” Holden says. “But he also told her he did.”
“Right. And why would he give you the tickets only to tell your mother about it?”
“Because he can’t refuse either of us,” Holden says.
“You must have really wanted the tickets.”
“Don’t you want to stay for a bit?” Holden says when he sees that I’m ready to leave. “It’s a fun party. We can just enjoy it now that we’re done with the plan.”
His phone rings.
The look on his face, says win.
“It’s her, isn’t it?” I ask. “Natalie’s calling you already?”
“Well, that was the plan, wasn’t it?”
“Of course.”
“Jamie…I’m sorry about being a dick earlier. I shouldn’t have said all those things.”
“That’s fine,” I say. “After tonight, I’m not even going to remember your name, so it doesn’t really matter.”
I say this and walk outside.
It’s cold.
“Are you really going straight to the airport?” he asks.
“Yes,” I say. “My bags are packed and in the car. You made the reservations. I should be headed there if I want to make the flight on time.”
“At least let me give you a ride—”
“Holden, I don’t want a ride. I don’t want anything. You’ve done enough.”
“Look,” he says. “Just stay in the hotel for a few days. I’ll get you your own room. You’re here, you should have fun. Why’re you leaving so soon? I know that wasn’t your plan.”
“Plans kind of change when you’re so-called boyfriend drugs you.”
He just stands there.
Not leaving.
Not allowing me to leave.
I realize I have to make the first move. “Will you get me my bags?” I say. “They’re in the trunk—”
As I’m saying this, Holden moves over to me, at a speed that astonishes me and then his mouth is on me and he’s trying to kiss me.
“Holden,” I say. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Don’t tell me you didn’t feel it, Jamie.”
“Feel what?”
“The first time we kissed,” he says. “When we were standing there talking to Natalie and Pierre…I…I just felt something.”
“Really?” I say. “Cause I felt nothing.”
“You think I’m sweet-talking you.”
“I don’t know what you’re doing, Holden. But it’s definitely not sweet-talking.”
“Jamie,” he says. “I felt something and I know you did too, don’t lie to me!”
“Now you’re just making things up—”
“Oh yeah?” Holden says. This time he puts his hands on my waist and pulls me towards him and my body is next to his and he pulls me in even closer as his mouth seizes my lips and I find myself leaning in and kissing him back because I have no choice but to let go and I find myself melting into the kiss—
By the time he breaks away, I’m breathless.
Holden is too as he speaks the next words. “Still nothing?”
“No,” I say, backing away from him.
“Liar!”
I don’t have to do this.
I don’t have to listen to him, I know what he is. He’s just playing with my head like he was playing with Natalie’s head just now; this is all a big game to him. I know better. I know better than to fall for it!
“I’m leaving, Holden.” I turn my back to him and start walking.
“No, you’re not.”
“You can’t stop me.”
“Jamie,” he says, following me as I walk towards his car to get my luggage. “You know you’ll regret it if you don’t stop now. You know we have something here. You know. Are you just going to walk away without giving it a chance?”
“Oh my God, Holden! I’m so over your crap!” I stop, because his car is right behind me and turn to him. “You’re only doing this because I said no and because you’re used to having everything your way!”
He smiles sadly. “If I always got it my way, Natalie wouldn’t have broken up with me. If I always got my way, she would have left that bastard for me!”
He has tears in his eyes.
Suddenly, all the anger I had for him is gone.
I go up to him and put my arms around him.
He starts to cry like a baby.
I can’t believe it. Holden-freaking-Danvers, breaking up in my arms like a broken little boy and it’s the first time I realize that I may have been handling this
all wrong. When he finally stops sobbing, he breaks away. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m a mess.”
“No you’re not,” I say. “You’re just in a mess. But you’ll get over her, I promise.”
“Don’t leave, Jamie.”
“You said you wanted to see if we had something special, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“You still want that?”
“More than anything.”
“Well then,” I say. “You have to let me go.”
“What?”
“Holden,” I say. “If I stay now, we’ll probably fall into some stupid rebound relationship and even if we have something, we’ll both blow it. Is that what you want? For us to become some rebound disaster story? Or would you rather wait and have something that’s far more special?” He’s looking at me like he cannot believe these words that are coming out of my mouth. “Right now,” I continue. “You’re hurt. You’re going to want to hurt her in return and I understand why you’d want that, but Holden, even hate is love. Indifference—that’s the opposite of love, not hate. Hate takes hold of you in ways that love can’t even begin to. You don’t want that to be you, Holden. I wouldn’t want that to be you. So whatever else you’re planning to do to her, don’t. Let her go, Holden. She doesn’t want to be with you. If she did, she’d be here, not in there with some fake-smiling, faux-French husband.”
“And here I thought you were a lost cause. Turns out I was.”
“You’re not a lost cause!” I say. “Holden, I know now that you can feel love. That you can love someone that way, that completely. That you will go to lengths to be with them and to sacrifice yourself. So what if she didn’t respond to your love? It’s her loss! Not yours. And maybe having this experience with wasn’t so bad. Who knows, she might have taught you how to love.”
He smiles. “Jamie Crawford,” he says. “You have officially given me the world’s most boring speech.”
I laugh. “You’re a jerk, you know that?”
“Hey,” he says. “It’s a job like any other. Someone has to do it. We can’t all be Jamie Crawford and give our love to random strangers.”
“Actually we can,” I say. “And we should.”
“I feel like we’ve got the hate out of our systems, don’t you think?” he says. “I mean, I still feel something…a sense of loss. Pain. But I don’t feel anger. Or rage. Or even hate.”
“Maybe you’ll feel it again tomorrow,” I say. “And maybe you won’t. But Holden, I’ll be right here. I mean…maybe not physically, but I’ll be around. We’re friends. That will never change.”
“Jamie,” he says. “You can count on me too, you know that right?”
“I know,” I say and smile. “Now drive me to the airport because it’s cold out here, and I don’t want to freeze my you-know-what off.”
“Are all your angry outbursts G-rated?” He takes out a key fob and presses a button. There is a chirping sound and Holden gets inside the driver’s side so I get in from the other side. He turns on the heat and finally I can relax. He turns on the radio and switches to a classic rock station that’s playing a Guns N’ Roses song and we both start singing.
Take me down
To the paradise city
Where the grass is green
And the girls are pretty
Oh, won’t you please take me home
“Jamie,” Holden says when the song ends. “This is not goodbye.”
16.
HARLOW
I didn’t have to do this.
Clearly I was capable of more. I’m almost fifty and I have been working for the same man for over two decades. Two decades of me, Harlow Morrison doing dirty work so I could sit in some fancy coffee place and watch those idiots get their daily dose of addiction. I had addictions too, but coffee wasn’t one of them. It’s not so much that I hate it, but that I think it’s a little impotent as far as addictions go. If you’re going to get high, do coke or take a hit of smack! Jeez but watching this younger generation with those fruity coffees and fancy lattes or whatever the hell they are, is just plain annoying. So why am I doing it? Well, cause The Big Man says so. And when The Big Man gives you orders you don’t say you got better things to do, you take the money and you go drive to whatever stupid place they ask you to do the ‘work,’ which, for the past many weeks, has been keeping tabs on that stupid kid from the Vegas hotel.
Why this job is so important to The Big Man, I have no idea. But at least I know now that he trusts me with it and no one else. And he knows I would never pull one over him. I’ve been loyal to Zaff all this time and if he wants a personal favor in return for it, I can manage that. I’ve been following the boy’s every move. For the past few weeks he has been seeing someone—the same girl I saw him with in Vegas, and it looks as though they’ve started to like each other a lot more than they did when they first saw each other a few weeks ago. It’s strange but I’ve been on pretty much every date of theirs and probably know more about their habits than their parents do. I could have had some lower ranking worker doing all this, but Zaff Heliot is one guy you don’t want to counter-question. He is the one who gives us our paychecks, keeps the business running smoothly and even though we do the dirty work, the truth is, without Zaff’s contacts it would be impossible to keep doing what we do.
The boy kisses her, and they look like they’re really hitting it off. The boy looks like a bit of a player, which reminds of when I used to be his age and had women coming after me all the time. I guess every young person reminds you a little of your own youth. You see yourself in them no matter where they come from. But it’s a cruel world. Innocent cannot remain innocent for long and I’m saddened to think that there will come a time when this twenty-two year old boy will find himself having to face something that will fuck him up forever. Isn’t that what always happens? From what little I know of what’s about to happen to him, I want him to enjoy this little time of innocence, whatever’s left of it anyway.
My phone rings and its Zaff. “Hello?”
“Are you keeping an eye on him, Harlow?”
“Yes. He’s sitting two tables away.”
“Don’t let him see you yet,” Zaff says and I’m tempted to tell him that this isn’t my first time doing something like this, but I don’t.
“I won’t,” I say. “At least not until you say so.”
“Things are about to change, Harlow.”
The boy and girl are making out again.
“I know, Zaff.”
“I don’t like it, but I have no choice.”
“I know that too.”
“Harlow,” Zaff says. “I’m glad you’re on my side.”
It’s his way of confirming whether I’m still on his side. “Zaff,” I say. “Twenty-three years, I’ve been with you. I’m not going to change sides now.”
“Some people just did.”
“Some people will always be bastards.”
“True.”
Zaff disconnects the call.
The Big Man does not say goodbye.
Not even if you’ve been on his side for twenty-three years.
But not like I could complain.
The last time I met Zaff, he was in the middle of taking out a guy’s eyeballs with a penknife because the guy had ratted him out to the cops during an intense interrogation. Me, I make sure I’m never in that kind of a scenario.
You might say I prefer to keep my eyeballs.
17.
JAMIE
It’s strange being this close to him.
Holden and I started going out a few weeks back, after I finally took his call. But all through the time that we were supposed to be on break, we continued to text each other. I just didn’t think I could handle talking to him on the phone, which was why I had declined. My friend and roommate Kate kept bugging me to call him, or go out, but I knew waiting was the right thing to do.
When we met the first time, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought I was seeing things.
But he told me he hadn’t been with anyone since that night and I believed him. Why wouldn’t I? He just wasn’t the same person anymore. Sure, he still had the same problems but those were just quirks, and at times I was confused, and didn’t know whether to trust him. But then the other night Teague and Mia made an appearance at my apartment and told me Holden had been dying to see me again. Honestly, I’m still not sure about this whole thing but I’m trying something new and I think after the whole Alex debacle, I have every right to find happiness. If I have to make sure I don’t fall into the same rut as my parents, I have to look for my identity before becoming someone else’s identity. And I can’t do that if I’m too hung up on a guy. But meeting Holden has been the most wonderful thing that happened to me!
Even now, as we’re walking back from the coffee house, he keeps trying to joke and making me laugh and I like the way we are together.
“Jamie,” Holden says. “You haven’t given me an answer yet.”
Damn. I almost forgot. “I need more time.”
“No,” he stops walking and looks almost angry. “You’re not running from this, Jamie. Not anymore. We’ve been going out for what, over a month now! And it’s been close to two months since Vegas. You can’t expect me to be celibate that long! I’m going to die a born-again virgin!”
I laugh. “You don’t die from being celibate, dummy.”
“How would you know?’ Holden says. “You’re not a guy. You don’t know the stuff that could potentially happen to men from lack of sex.”
“That’s not a convincing argument,” I say. “It wasn’t convincing when some guy pushed it on me in middle school and its not convincing now.”
“Guys must have been pushing themselves on you in middle school, huh?”
“Not that many,” I say, embarrassed. “There was just the one. And he was just creepy.”
“I’m creepy too,” Holden says. “So why’re you still here?”
“Well, I like to be charitable sometimes, that’s why.”