by Kady Hunt
He covers the distance between us and takes my hands in his. “Jamie,” he says and for some reason he’s all serious when he says the next words. “I’m crazy about you and I cannot get you out of my mind.”
The plainness, with which he says this, and the quiet intensity of his eyes, startles me. I don’t think I have the right words to respond to that proclamation. “It’s strange I know,” he says. “Probably sounds like it’s too soon or whatever? But Jamie, I’ve been with enough women to know that this is nothing at all like anything I’ve ever experienced before. And I’m not proud of that fact. I know I’m a mess. I know there are things about me that are just…wrong. But I want to change that. I want to show you that I can become a better person. That you make me a better person.”
“I don’t know, Holden.”
“I’m drinking less, I’m not having one-night stands, I’m not even thinking about anyone but you. Don’t you think you deserve to give me one chance to prove myself? You know we have something special, you know that! You can’t just throw it away!”
“I can’t,” I say and start walking.
He’s really serious about this and I don’t know if I can handle that just now. A lot has happened in the past couple of months and I don’t know if I can be with a guy who has the potential to be explosive. He might be making all these claims now, but would he still be keeping his promises when our relationship goes through bad times?
“Jamie,” he says, and starts walking after me. “Where are you going? We were supposed to hang out!”
“That was before you said what you just said!”
He grabs my arm and pulls me towards himself, and we’re kissing right in the middle of the road. When he breaks off I’m both breathless and speechless. “Look into my eyes Jamie,” he says. “And tell me you don’t feel the same way about me.”
“This is ridiculous,” I say and yank my arm out of his hold. When I start walking this time, he doesn’t follow.
“You’re letting your fears get in the way, Jamie. You’re going to regret not giving us a chance. You’re going to regret that you could have stayed and you decided not to because you were too afraid. Because you still don’t believe that something good can happen to you. And no matter how hard I try to convince you otherwise, you’re never going to take my word for it.”
This is stupid.
He doesn’t know what he’s saying! I’m just going to keep walking and forget that he even exists. I’ve done it before with men; I can do it with him. Only, I know that’s a lie. I know what he’s saying is true, that I do want very much to be with him but as much as he makes my life exciting he also scares me.
I’m almost in front of my apartment building when I stop.
What am I doing?
Am I walking away from the one good thing in my life because I’m afraid I will lose it? That’s not me at all! It shouldn’t be. He just told me he was crazy about me, that he wanted to take it to the next level. He hasn’t even touched me in all this time, except for making out once in a while, when I allowed it. He hasn’t done anything wrong. And I know that he struggles, every day, but he still gets up every morning and does the same things he’s been doing for me all this time. How can I let a thing like that get away?
How can I let him get away?
I should be holding on to him, not scaring him away before we’ve even found out what’s it’s like to be a real couple!
So, I turn, hoping to find him still waiting, but there’s no one there.
He’s gone.
Well, looks like I really fucked it up this time.
When I turn, I crash into someone.
I look up and Holden is looking down at me with a cocky grin on his face. His eyes are two gorgeous pools of blue-green, deep and fathomless. They remind me that what he hides away might be something I cannot handle. But at least they’re no longer impenetrable. And neither is he. He’s really letting his walls down when he’s with me and there’s nothing I want more.
“I knew you’d be back,” he says.
“No one likes cocky people,” I say.
“That’s a load of bullshit,” Holden says. “People love cocky.”
“Oh wow, Holden, I’ve never heard double entendres before.”
“Your words are praising me but your tone is flat and sarcastic.”
“Womanizing, trust-fund baby by day and detective by night!”
“Hey,” he says. “I can’t help my trust-fund. And I wouldn’t call this womanizing.”
“What would you call it?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “But I’m thinking of a pun with the words blue-balls in it.”
“What’s the point of being cocky, when you can’t even come up with a pun when you need it?” I say. “Holden. Some would say that you’re losing your touch.”
“Well those some,” Holden says, placing his lips on mine. “Can go kiss my ass.”
And he kisses me again. “What do you say we take this upstairs?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I’m starting to think maybe cocky boys aren’t my thing after all.”
“Hmmm,” he mumbles. “I see how that might be a problem.”
“I’m so glad you understand.”
“Oh, I do.” He says and bends, and I’m still trying to figure out why, when he puts a hand around my waist and another under my knees and lifts me up in his arms.
I grab onto his shoulder to keep myself from falling. “Holden! What’re you doing?”
“Still think cocky boys aren’t your thing?”
“Put me down, Holden!”
But instead he carries me through the front of the building and we walk inside, past the doorman who looks at us and sniggers but Holden isn’t bothered at all. “Holden!! Stop!!”
He starts his climb up the stairs. “I can’t,” he says. “It’s like I’m on cocky autopilot.”
“Okay okay stop!” I start to laugh. “Put me down! Please!”
But he carries me up the two flights of stairs. “No,” he says, and when we get to my apartment, he stops and we’re looking into each other’s eyes. For a moment I feel like I’ve lost myself in his. “Do you really want me to stop?” he asks, and his voice is all husky.
“No,” I confess.
“Then open the door.”
I reach for the keys in my jeans pocket and he positions me closer to the door so I can use them to unlock. When it’s open, Holden carries me to the couch and places me on it gently, and starts kissing me and we’re making out all hot and heavy.
“Wait,” I say.
“What, Jamie?”
“Close the door, please.”
He smiles and gets up, closes the door and locks it. Then he stands there and unbuttons his shirt while he looks down at me with those gorgeous, intense eyes. He comes on top of me and unbuttons my blouse, caressing my breast and his fingers feel like they’re bringing my body in a magical place that I never want to leave. His mouth descends on one of my nipples and soon enough, I’m clinging on to him, begging for him to keep going and never stop. His mouth reaches my other nipple and his tongue licks gently along the soft skin and makes it erect. He comes up to kiss me and his hands push inside my jeans, going through the panties and reaching deep, and I’m a moaning, begging mess.
I can feel his erection through his jeans, touching my thigh, proof that he’s getting as much pleasure from this as I am.
He pulls down my pants and tosses them aside. He starts to kiss my thighs. “Jamie,” he says in a hoarse whisper. “I want you.”
“I want you too,” I say, looking at his beautiful face.
He uses his teeth to slide off the panties and tosses them aside right along with the pants. Now, his lips aren’t just kissing my thighs; they’re going deeper and deeper until he’s gone to a place from where I know there’s no coming back.
He feels me tensing up and stops.
“Relax,” he says. “You’re with me, Jamie. Just let go.”
&
nbsp; So, I lie back down and close my eyes, while he uses his tongue in ways that deepens the pleasure that’s already building inside of me; pleasure that seems to have taken over my whole body instead of some specific part and that comes from being intimate with him that way. He knows exactly what to do, I never have to guide him or anything, somehow he just knows what I need and I can’t explain it but so do I.
I get one of those earth-shattering orgasms right away, and he still doesn’t stop. I’ve lost count of how many times he makes me come that way. When he comes up, he nuzzles my neck and kisses it, biting just a little, and the combination of pain and pleasure just heightens the gratification, and when he finally drops his pants, and his briefs, he’s rock hard and dripping precum. I don’t know why, but the sight of him just makes it all the more exciting; knowing that he’s into me as much as I am into him.
He takes out a condom from his wallet and rips the plastic wrapper, slides it on. When he enters me, the feeling of pleasure intensifies, having him fill me up that way, being one with him, it’s the most amazing feeling in the world, I can’t even begin to explain it. All I know is that in that one moment I believed that perfection existed; and this, him and me, that’s what it looked like. He looks right at me when he’s about to come and he feels like a different person, like someone I barely knew until this moment but who has been completely exposed to me now. He’s caring, and he’s gentle and he’s sweet and he’s giving—he’s everything a woman could wish for in a man, he just doesn’t show this side of himself often enough. And I realize that it might be because he’s afraid of getting hurt, just like I still am. Opening yourself up to someone isn’t as easy as it sounds and I know that better than anyone.
“God, Jamie!” He says and kisses me and when he breaks off his face is contorted, and I know what that means, and my body is in such a constant state of pleasure, that his thrusts have made it possible for me to come dangerously close to yet another orgasm, and this time, it happens the second I feel him coming, and his body falls on top of me and for a minute I’m afraid to breathe. Afraid that this moment is going to be over soon. But when he looks up at me again and kisses me on the mouth, the fear goes away and I’m back in the land of magic.
His smile says it all. “I think I’m falling for you, Jamie.”
He bared his soul.
I have to make sure he doesn’t regret it.
“I think I’m falling for you, too.”
“It’s kind of scary, huh?”
“Yeah,” I try to smile.
He grabs hold of my hand and kisses it, then just holds it. “Don’t worry,” he says. “We’ll give this thing our best, Jamie. I’ll give this thing my best. Just be patient with me, will you?”
“I think I can manage that.”
“Good,” he says and we kiss again. “Because I don’t want to screw this up.”
18.
JAMIE
Saying yes to a dinner hosted by Holden’s mom was probably not the best idea I’ve had since I voted for Donna Kripke as class president in eighth grade. Donna happened to be the meanest, most obnoxious bully I’ve ever encountered in my life and thinking that having her become class president would be making her more responsible, was a complete lie that Donna’s campaign managers aka other members of the cheerleading squad, told the rest of us minions. The idea was to get Donna in a position where she has a lot to do besides bullying us, but you know what, it only got worse when she won because before she had some power and mostly her parents’ money, but with the win it was like she had diplomatic immunity and even more power. So, why am I thinking about that as we step towards Holden’s majestic mansion? Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that his mother happens to be standing in a group of people in their enormous grassland of a front yard, and looking like the Snow Queen.
As we step toward her, Holden offers me his arm and I loop mine around it. “Look,” he says, in a low voice that only I can hear. “I know my mother gives off a Queen Bitch vibe, but she’s really not that bad once you get to know her.”
“I hope to God you’re right.”
“Jamie,” Holden says. “Maybe just loosen the hold on my arm just a little? I’m kind of losing all the blood circulation over there.”
“Sorry,” I say and instantly relax my grip.
Well, I try to anyway.
“I was kidding, Jamie.”
But we’re already facing the Snow Queen and I can’t hear Holden’s voice any longer. Just the strange rushing noise in my ears from being too close to Mrs. Danvers. “Hello, Mrs. Danvers.”
She turns to me as though she hasn’t been watching me from the corner of her eye all this time. “Jamie!” she says, still holding her wineglass and making no effort to greet me in any other way but the platitudes. “It’s so nice to see you!”
“Is it?” I want to say but Holden chimes in. “Jamie was really excited to meet you,” he says. “Weren’t you, Jamie?”
I guess he’s trying to force us into a connection or something? I’m not really sure. All I know is, she smiles in that usual fake-smile way of hers, and takes a sip of the wine. “Well, that’s awfully sweet of you, Jamie.”
“Holden!” Daniel’s voice is a pleasant break from all the coldness wafting in the air. When I turn to him he looks handsome in his suit, and formal dressing but I notice there’s no one on his arm. “Jamie,” he says and gives me a tiny smile. “How’ve you been?”
“Fine,” I say.
“Hey,” Holden says. “I need to greet some people. Daniel, why don’t you show Jamie around so she doesn’t get bored?”
I hate Holden sometimes.
But he’s already left so I have no choice but to go with it. Daniel and I walk towards the pool which looks like a tiny ocean.
“So,” Daniel says. “You and Holden are a thing now, I see.”
“Yeah,” I say. “Why’re you here alone?”
He looks perplexed. “Because I am alone?”
“What about Carmen?” I say. “Let me guess. She’s just a one-night stand? And you like being alone? Is that it, Daniel?”
Daniel looks surprised, but he’s also smiling just a little. “Jamie,” he says. “You have it all wrong. Carmen…she’s not…I mean we’re not…together.”
“Of course not,” I say but my tone is mocking and even I notice it so he must have.
“Jamie,” he says. “Were you…not talking to me because you thought I was sleeping with Carmen?”
“Well,” I say. “Weren’t you?”
Daniel laughs. “Jamie,” he says. “Carmen’s my sister. Well, step-sister, and I know she can be a little flamboyant but what gave you the impression that I do one-night stands in the first place?”
I feel like an idiot.
“Daniel,” I say, embarrassed. “I’m so sorry.”
“Okay well,” Daniel says. “I have to admit, there was a very small timeframe in my life when I was doing one night stands but that’s been over for a while.”
“Oh.”
“Jamie,” he says. “Even if you did think she was my girlfriend, you could have just asked. I would have told you the truth. But you went and made an assumption all on your own.”
Wow. More awkwardness.
“I’m so sorry.”
“You said that already.”
“I know, but I still feel like an idiot.”
“We had something that night didn’t we?”
“Yeah,” I admit. “We did.”
“But you still fell for Holden,” Daniel says. “Which is understandable.”
“Understandable?”
“Because,” he says. “Everyone always chooses him.
I’m about to say something when Holden grabs me from behind and I have to kiss him. “I hope you weren’t boring her, Daniel.”
“Well,” Daniel says. “I actually need to talk to Teague. So I’ll see you at dinner.”
“Sure,” Holden says.
“Jamie,” Daniel says. “It
was nice running into you again.”
When Daniel leaves, Holden comes closer to me. “So,” he says. “My mom’s in the kitchen ordering the cook and maids. You could go and help her out.”
“Help her scream at the help?”
“Just go and politely ask her if you can help with something.”
“Holden, I’m sure that’s the last thing she wants.”
“For me?”
He knows I can’t resist his puppy-dog face. Besides, it’s just a stupid dinner. And soon, it will be over. “Fine,” I say and head inside.
I’ve been here a few times when his mother wasn’t around. But being in here again, I still feel out of place. I’m not sure what I’m even doing trying to be nice to his mother! I keep praying that she won’t be there, but there she is, with a freshly refilled glass of merlot and that same Snow Queen vibe about her which makes me nervous.
“H…Hi,” I stammer.
“Jamie,” she says. “You’re here.”
Could this get any more awkward?
“Holden sent you here, didn’t he?”
Well, I guess that answers my question.
“I can leave if you want, Mrs. Danvers. I know this is—”
“Why don’t you bring a glass from that cabinet over there,” she says. “This is the best merlot you’re going to have in your life, Jamie. Take my word for it.”
I don’t know whether to be insulted or glad she wants to be drinking buddies with me. I go over to the cabinet and get a crystal glass that looks the same as hers and bring it over to the breakfast bar. She fills my glass right up to the brim and then gives herself another refill. I didn’t even see her finishing the last full glass!
“So?” she says, when I sip a little of the wine.
So many flavors are bursting inside my mouth. “Oh God,” I say, but it’s not because the wine is that good.
“I know right?” Mrs. Danvers says, with a smug grin on her face. “It’s like heaven just imploded on your tongue.”
I see a sink nearby and rush toward it, spill whatever wine is still there in my mouth and I also spill the contents of my glass. How could I be so careless?
Mrs. Danvers walks up to me. “What’s the matter?” she asks, bluntly.