by Kady Hunt
“I don’t think merlot is my thing,” I say, and I’m about to rush outside, anyplace where she isn’t there when she grabs my arm with her long fingers and her grasp is almost vicious. “You whore,” she says and I think maybe she’s about to spit in my face. “How far along are you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say and try to get away from her grasp but it’s impossible.
“You’re not going anywhere until you answer me, you bitch!”
“Mrs. Danvers?” Daniel comes in at the right moment and Mrs. Danvers lets go of my arm. I go and stand next to him.
“I know you’ve been listening, Daniel.” Mrs. Danvers walks up to us. “Just like you used to listen in on all our conversations. You and her you’re cut from the same cloth. You’re probably in on it, aren’t you? She wants to screw her way to my fortune? Well, I’m not about to let that happen. I want you to break up with Holden. I’ll give you all the money you need to make it happen.”
Holden comes in that instant and sees us all and looks surprised. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing baby,” Mrs. Danvers says, going towards him and kissing him on the cheek. “Daniel and Jamie were kind enough to help me out. Holden, I need you to meet someone.” She turns to me in a dramatic display of politeness. “Do you mind if I steal Holden away for a second, honey?” she says. “I promise to bring him back!”
Holden is smiling, completely oblivious of everything and I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not. When he leaves, Mrs. Danvers leans in close to Daniel. “And tell her to get rid of it,” she says, loud enough for me to hear. “Get an appointment tomorrow and get rid of it. I’ll pay. Holden doesn’t need to know.”
The minute she leaves the kitchen I run out the backdoor and the only empty place is the same pool where we were standing before. Daniel tries to grab my hand and I push him away. “Get away from me!” I yell, and promptly burst out crying.
“Jamie,” he says. “How long have you known?”
“Not long.”
“Can I just…hold you?”
“No!”
“Jamie,” Daniel says. “Look at me.”
So I do.
“You know me,” he says. “You can trust me.”
“What am I going to do?” I blurt out.
Daniel comes and gives me a hug and I let him.
It feels nice being held.
I’ve felt out of place for so long, it’s a relief feeling like I belong.
“I shouldn’t have come here,” I say.
“You’re dating him,” Daniel says. “Sooner or later, you were going to run into her.”
“Holden said she was nice!”
“Well, Holden thinks that because she’s his mother. And, to her credit she is a good mother I guess.”
“But why does she hate us?”
“Why does the Snow Queen hate us?” Daniel says and that makes me laugh. “Because we’re commoners, Jamie! That’s why!”
I break away and I can’t stop laughing. “You know I thought of the Snow Queen too, when I saw her.”
“Well, she’s got the whole ice-cold exterior down to a science.”
“Daniel. Thanks.”
“I haven’t done anything.”
“You have,” I say. “But you’re about to do more.”
“I am?”
It takes me a long time to get the words out but I manage it somehow. “You have to come with me to the doctor’s appointment that I’m going to schedule.”
Daniel looks at me. “Have you thought this through?”
“What do you think?” I say. “Daniel, this is all I can think about ever since I found out!”
“And you’re certain, you’re pregnant? There’s no maybe?”
“No maybe.”
“Right.”
“Do you hate me?”
“No, of course not. But you’re certain he’s the father?”
“Yes,” I say. “You know how I can say that for sure?”
“How?”
“Because I’ve never really slept with anyone before…before that night in Vegas.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Why does everyone think that’s so impossible?”
“No,” Daniel says. “It’s not impossible. Just…rare.”
“It is rare,” I say. “I just…I didn’t want to just do it for the sake of it, you know? I wanted to wait for the right person to come along. And that never happened. So I thought I’d make Alex that person because he was nice to me. And well, you know how that turned out.”
“Is that the reason you’re going out with Holden?”
“No, Daniel. I’m going out with him because I like him.”
“You do?” Daniel says as a joke.
“When I started going out with him,” I say. “I hadn’t even considered the fact that I might be pregnant. I mean I miss my period sometimes, when I’m stressed out. So I thought that’s what it was. But I guess I may have been in denial about it.”
“I get it,” Daniel says. “Can’t be easy getting used to the fact that you’re about to have a baby that’s going to grow inside of you.”
“Well, anyway. We’re going to take care of it, like she says. And Holden will never know.”
“Don’t you think he should know?”
“No, Daniel. I can’t put him through that.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
I’m so not sure.
“Should we go back inside?” Daniel suggests. “Holden might start thinking there’s something going on.”
“Yes. Of course.”
We head back inside the house and everyone’s already at the table, including Holden and there’s a place right next to him that is empty and I go sit there. Holden pours me wine but I decline. His mother keeps watching me with her eagle eyes and I can’t get away from the feeling that there is hate pouring out of those irises.
“Jamie,” Holden squeezes my hand under the table. “I think Mom likes you.”
I’m about to have the most awkward dinner of my life.
19.
JAMIE
Holden pulls me inside a room. It’s a big, lavish study which used to belong to his dad, well, step-dad to be exact. The room is no ordinary room though. It’s got all kinds of Old Masters’ paintings and the walls are lined with books. It’s so overwhelming in there I’m almost afraid to touch anything.
“My dad used to sit here all day,” Holden reminisces. “Sometimes, he would let me sit with him so we could go over the history of these painters and other times he would ask me to read a passage from his favorite book,” Holden says and takes out a copy of The Count of Monte Cristo from the shelves and touches it’s leather binding. After just touching the front for a long time, he finally opens it to a specific page. “...The friends we have lost do not repose under the ground...they are buried deep in our hearts. It has been thus ordained that they may always accompany us...” He’s running a gentle hand over the page. “This was his favorite passage. I must have stood right here and read it to him a million times, but he never got tired of it.”
“Looks like you never got tired of it either,” I say.
He places the book back, as carefully as he had taken it out. “Anyway,” Holden says. “He did the same until the day he died. Even when he was in a wheelchair for years.”
“Why was he in a wheelchair?”
“My dad had a stroke,” Holden explains. “He lost all feeling on one side of his body. My mom used to take care of him. But the doctors told us it was only a matter of time.”
“Was your step-dad a lot older than your mom?”
“Twice her age,” Holden replies. “But my mom’s never really denied that she married him for money. But I don’t know, I think that they did have love, even if they didn’t always admit it to each other. Maybe they just didn’t know, or were too proud to admit that they had those feelings towards someone but I saw that love around m
e all of my childhood.”
“You really loved your dad, huh.”
“Well, he loved me. So I kind of had no choice.”
“You love both your parents,” I say. “That’s nice.”
“Don’t you?” he asks. “Love your parents?”
“I wouldn’t exactly call it love.”
“Then what would you call it?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “Familiarity. A need to feel a certain bond because well, they gave birth to me.”
“That’s harsh.”
“Not really,” I say. “It’s not as if I hate them.”
“But you told me yourself, that indifference is the opposite of love. So, do you feel indifferent?”
“Honestly,” I say. “They’ve never made enough of an effort to care about my life and it just got worse when high school was over and I was no longer living with them. So, it’s not like I had a hand in the choice, but I just don’t feel anything, I can’t help it,” I pause and look at him. “You were expecting some kind of extreme sob story or something more interesting than plain indifference weren’t you?”
“Who wouldn’t?” Holden says and then scoops me in his arms as he kisses me. “But that’s what I love about you. That you’re honest. That we can talk like this, you know and we don’t have to make anything up just to make things interesting.”
I have to smile. “So, were you really going to show off your father’s book collection?” I say. “Or did you come here with an ulterior motive, Holden Danvers?”
“Guilty as charged,” he says and grabs my hand. “But I haven’t shown you the best part yet.”
There’s something better than a palace chamber lined with bookshelves? Holden leads me towards a wall. There’s nothing special about it, there’s just more books. But then he takes out leather bound from in between the shelves and reaches inside. Few seconds later, there’s sound, a motor or something, that’s moving the shelves and in the next moment there is no wall.
“You have an actual secret room in your home?”
Holden takes my hand and we go in.
It’s like I’ve stepped into Narnia.
It looks like just another office, but it’s got an even better décor and there are no books here but more of those paintings. Holden pushes a button and the wall comes back and the room closes while we’re still inside. “Okay,” I say. “I’m feeling a tiny bit claustrophobic.”
But this place is grand.
“What did your dad need a secret room for?” I ask, walking about and checking out the Teague XIV furniture. Even touching it seems like a crime.
Holden comes up behind me and pulls me close to himself. “I don’t know what he used it for,” he says. “But I know what I’m about to use it for.”
Great, I think. I’m about to have sex in Narnia.
20.
DANIEL
“That’s me,” Jamie says and I stop the car.
“Daniel,” she says. “Thanks.”
“It’s no big deal, I was coming this way—”
“I don’t mean the ride.”
“Oh.”
I have no idea what to say next. Jamie opens the door and steps out and I’m left with a strange aching in my chest. I don’t want her to leave, not just yet. And what I found out, about her being pregnant with Holden’s baby, knowing her I’m certain she’s been carrying this around for a while, and didn’t want to burden anyone with it.
“I didn’t do it on purpose,” she says. “I was going to take care of it…I just…I needed some time to process.”
“Jamie, I get it. No one blames you for taking time to come to a decision about it. It’s your baby too and more importantly, you’re going to be the one carrying it inside you for nine months. You need to decide whether or not that’s something you can do.”
“She called me a whore,” Jamie says. “She actually called me a whore.”
“Jamie don’t let her get to your head!” I say. “I’ve been dealing with her crap since Holden and I became friends in grade school. She still lives in a time where anyone less than rich isn’t good enough to be friends or lovers with her son.”
“Still.”
“Jamie,” I say. “I can stay for a while if you want. We can talk.”
“I wouldn’t want to impose…”
“You’re not, Jamie.”
“Well then, I’d love some company.”
“Good,” I say, feeling relief after a long time. “Why don’t you get off here and I’ll find somewhere to park the car.”
“I’ll go upstairs and make you some coffee,” Jamie says, getting out. “The apartment is two floors up. You have to walk, the elevator’s broken.”
“Sure,” I say and turn the car around, find the building parking lot and for a long time I just sit there, wondering what the hell I’m doing. She’s just a friend. You’re being there for a friend, that’s all. I keep telling myself that but I know for a fact I’ve never felt friendly thoughts towards her. Every time I see her, it’s like the sun begins to shine again. Which was the exact reason you decided you wouldn’t be seeing her anymore. And since she hated me because of the whole Carmen thing, and I told myself she wasn’t into me after all. But now it’s not the same. Now, I know that’s not true, that she still thinks of me as a friend. If I fuck this up, she will never trust me again. Maybe you should go upstairs and get drunk. Get drunk enough and you won’t have to worry about awkward boners, you’ll just pass out. In case she still doesn’t invite me to stay the night, I’ll take a cab home. But at least I wouldn’t have done anything. She’s Holden’s girlfriend now, you need to remember that. I keep thinking that if Holden hadn’t asked me to drop her home, because his mother found something for him to do that didn’t involve me or Jamie, none of this would be happening.
I finally get the courage to get out of the car and head upstairs, where the door to Jamie’s apartment is open and I head right in because I can smell coffee. There are two rooms, and a living room, and Jamie takes me to the bedroom where she sits on the bed and invites me to the do the same. I take the coffee from her hand and ask her if she has something I can spike the coffee with. She has some tequila on her nightstand and that’s the perfect thing. Tequila works faster in a small amount. I bring it back to the bed with me and start drinking as she fluffs up a pillow under her head and places her head against the headboard.
“Why don’t you have a girlfriend, Daniel?” she asks.
“Cause I haven’t liked someone enough.”
“How can that be possible?”
“It just is,” I say. “Everyone who knows me knows I don’t fall in love easy.”
“That’s nice.”
“Is it?”
“Yeah,” she says. “Because that means when you do fall in love, it’s going to be special. It’s going to be the best thing that ever happens, to you and to her.”
“Or,” I say. “It means I will spend my whole life looking for someone special, while not realizing that I’ve become used to being single.”
“You’re quite the optimist.”
“I aim to please.”
“So uh,” she begins. “Can we get to the elephant in the room?”
“If you want. But Jamie, it’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it.”
“Actually,” she says. “There’s some stuff I’d like to get off my chest.”
“Well then, I’m all ears.”
“I’m not a whore,” she says.
“Jamie…”
“No, I just…let me explain. Holden and I, we didn’t just start hanging out since that night in Vegas. If I was a gold digging whore, I would have just gone with him then.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“I don’t know to be honest.”
“That woman has a way of getting inside your head. Trust me, I know. She gets to me too sometimes. But you need to remember that she’s not the one who is in a relationship with Holden.”
Jamie pl
aces her head between her knees and starts to cry.
So, I go and sit next to her, put an arm around her while she sobs.
“I’m so sorry, Jamie.”
“I don’t know what to do, I don’t!”
“About the baby?”
“Yeah?”
“I thought you wanted an abortion.”
“I don’t know if that’s what I really want!” she says. “It’s what I should do, I know that. But I don’t…”
“You want to keep it?”
She looks up at me with tears streaming down her face. “Is that so horrible?”
“No, Jamie. It’s not horrible. It’s understandable but…you realize how complicated everything will become, don’t you?”
She sighs. “I know.”
There’s silence in the room for a long time.
“Daniel,” she says. “What would you have done?”
“Jamie, that’s not fair.”
“Just answer me, please.”
“I would have kept the baby. No matter what, I wouldn’t have wanted an abortion.”
“Even if it was someone you didn’t like?”
“Even if it was someone I didn’t like.”
She seems to take this in.
“She wanted me to get rid of the baby,” Jamie says. “She’ll be pissed if we don’t do it.”
“Jamie,” I say. “You can’t make life decisions based on what Holden’s mother will think. Let her be pissed.”
“I don’t know, it seems like a lot to take on.”
“Jamie you don’t have to make the decision right away! Take all the time you need.”
“Actually,” Jamie says. “There is a ticker on this thing. I read up on it and the sooner you…deal with this…the better.”
“Okay, well you can still take a couple of days to think.”
My phone rings.
I see the number and it surprises me just a little.
“Who is it?” Jamie asks.
“It’s Mrs. Danvers,” I say. “She’s probably calling to find out if you made a decision. What should I tell her?”
“I don’t know!”
“Jamie, relax. I’ll handle it, okay?” I pick up the phone and sure enough, Mrs. Danvers’ scathing tone greets me just as unpleasantly as it always does. “Mrs. Danvers, how can I help you?”