Perfect (Beautifully Broken Love #1)

by Kady Hunt

  “Cut to the chase, Daniel. Where do you want me to send the money?”

  “The money?” I say, shrugging my shoulders at Jamie. “I don’t understand—”

  “The money for the abortion, Daniel! She needs to get rid of this baby before Holden finds out. She’s not trying to con us still, is she?”

  “Well,” I say. “Mrs. Danvers, we appreciate your concern. But Jamie wanted me to tell you that she’s decided to keep the baby. And, there’s not much you can do about it, bitch!” I disconnect the call before she can get a word in. “Jamie, that felt great! I’m thinking I should call her back, just to hear her grovel.”

  Jamie’s laughing. “You’ve really been waiting to do this, haven’t you?”

  “If I have to be completely honest, yes.”

  “But why did you tell her I made the decision?”

  “Because,” I say, grinning. “I knew that would piss her off the worst.”

  I’m surprised she isn’t calling me again.

  I set the phone aside and go back to comforting Jamie. “Are you alright?”

  “I will be.”

  “Jamie,” I say. “I just wanted to say that no matter what you decide, I’ll be okay with it. And I’ll always be on your side.”

  She looks pretty as she smiles and wipes the tears off her face. “I know, Daniel.”

  We’re silent again but it’s not an awkward silence.

  “Daniel,” she says. “Back at the Danvers’ house, you said everyone picks Holden. I know that wasn’t directed toward me. So, who’re you talking about?”

  Just thinking about that brings some awful memories that I don’t know whether to purge or keep inside because they hurt so much and I’ve been burying them deep down for a number of reasons. “Jamie, I was just angry. I didn’t mean it.”

  “Yeah you did,” she says. “Daniel, the one great thing about you, is that you don’t lie. So please, tell me what you were talking about.”

  “Well, I can only tell you my side.”

  “That’s what I need to hear.”

  I guess it’s time someone knew. “We were all in high school,” I begin. “I’d been going steady with this girl since I was fifteen. We were so in love, we used to make plans to go to college together and you know all the stupid dreams you have when you’re that age. I thought it would last forever, that she would never leave me because that’s what she kept telling me. Everyone said I was making a mistake. I was told she was going out with other guys behind my back, and fucking them even though I hadn’t so much as touched her in all this time. We made out a couple of times in her car and when she invited me over to her place when her parents were away but that’s it. And then, one day, I’m walking by the parking lot in the middle of a school day and guess who I see her with—Holden. Holden Danvers, who was supposed to be my best friend! I mean, I told him everything. How I felt about her, about the marriage plans, in my head she was practically my wife! And he still…he still did that.”

  “What did you do?”

  “Nothing.”

  “You did nothing?” Jamie says. “You didn’t confront them?”

  “No,” I say. “I loved them both too much to fight. After Holden found out that I knew, they started going out officially and she never so much as sent me a text to inform me of her decision. Holden didn’t last with her—Holden never lasted with anyone—they maybe dated for a few weeks and broke up and Holden apologized and well, I didn’t think it was something worth losing the friendship over and to be fair, I had been warned by several people in fact, that she was doing this with other guys too, so it was my fault if you take that all into account.”

  “Daniel,” Jamie says. “You know when you’re with someone, it’s different. People who look at you from the outside, for them it’s easy to just judge you and give you advice, but when you get close to someone you see things beyond what other people are seeing. So, it’s not that easy to figure out if what you’re seeing is a smoke screen or real.”

  “You see, all the time I was with her, I never asked her once if what the others were saying was true. So, maybe I was afraid to hear the truth. Maybe she would have told me, all I had to do was ask, but I wanted her so bad, I wanted that relationship so much I…I was willing to overlook those things. Okay, so maybe I was in denial about those things, but I feel like a part of me knew. Does that make sense?”

  “Yeah it does,” she says and places her hand on mine. “And you’ve never had a girlfriend ever since?”

  “I did one more time, but I really don’t want to get into that story.”

  “That’s not good.”

  I look at her. “I feel like I like all the wrong girls.”

  She doesn’t say anything.

  But she doesn’t pull her hand away either.

  “Jamie,” I ask. “Are you happy?”

  “Well, this whole baby situation sort of sucks, but if you’re asking me if I’m happy with Holden, then yes. He makes me happy.”

  “Well, then I’m happy you’re happy.”

  Suddenly, she’s crying again.

  “Jamie?”

  She uses her hands to wipe away the tears but they keep coming. “I’m so sorry!” she sobs.

  “Talk to me,” I say. “I’m right here.”

  “It’s just…Ever since I found out about the baby, I’ve wanted to keep it so bad, I’ve been wishing for some reason to not get the abortion.”

  Shit. “How badly do you want to keep it?”

  “No,” she says, still trying to compose herself. “I can’t keep it.”

  “Why not?”

  “You know when I was really young,” she says. “Like, five or six, my mother left my dad for someone else.”

  “You grew up without a mother? That’s harsh.”

  “Actually no,” she says. “She was only gone for like…two years. But my dad was devastated. He really loved her. Like…really, you know? Me and my brother, we were so young and he wanted to be a good father so bad but he could never be because sooner or later, the hurt from her leaving off would leave him unable to do anything. And when, two years later, she came back, all she did was cry and hug the guy and he let her in! Can you believe that? I mean, she cheated on him, and left him his children for two years, with no letters, no phone calls, nothing—and he just takes her back like that.”

  “I’d love for someone to love me that way.”

  “But you see,” she says. “People, who love that way, aren’t the ones who hurt others. It’s the ones who don’t love you that way that you can’t trust.”

  “Your mother still lives with your dad?”

  “Yes.”

  “So, they’re fine?”

  “That’s what I’m saying. They’re fine. But how fine can they be? They must have had to kill things inside them to be able to live with people they no longer loved or who didn’t love them back the way they did. And seeing them, together, every day, it’s not some magical miracle; I think it’s just sad. She only came back when that guy screwed her over. My dad might have forgiven her, but I don’t think I ever did.”

  “You know we have something in common,” I say. “My mom ran off too.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It was a long time ago,” I say. “Carmen and I, we have the same mother but we have different fathers, but we only know that because our mother told us that. She said she didn’t even remember who our fathers were. She used to be a drug addict. Used to bring men home all the time, and Carmen, I’m afraid she’s going to end up being her. She has a kid that she doesn’t take care of so…she’s already on that path. That day, she came to visit to ask for my help, she needed some money so she could spend the weekend with a guy who doesn’t like kids. I used to take care of her kid, his name’s Josh, but I was still a kid when she ran off with this guy who offered her some job I guess and she expected me to look after Josh, which I did. But someone alerted child protection services and they took Josh away. Now he’s with some foster fam
ily, and doesn’t even remember me or his real mother. But the family’s nice so…there’s that.”

  “God. That’s horrible.”

  “So, yeah. I know a little about people abandoning you. It feels like a mistake on your part. Like you did something to push them away and no matter how much someone tells you it’s not your fault, that feeling never goes away.”

  “Life sucks.”

  “All I can say is, I want to be different from my parents. I don’t want to be like them. But sometimes I’m still afraid that I will become them.”

  “Daniel,” she says. “You’re nothing like your parents. You’re sincere, you’re caring and you stick around no matter what. You’re a great friend, and you’re going to be an amazing lover or parent or spouse!”

  “Thanks for saying that.”

  “Can I ask you something and will you give me an honest answer?”

  “Sure.”

  “You don’t think Holden and I are going to last, do you?”

  “Jamie…I can’t…no. I don’t know!”

  “Please don’t lie to me.”

  “Look, okay fine! It crossed my mind, a few times, that you seem like an honest, genuine person, and Holden is neither honest, nor genuine. So yeah, it did occur to me, that you two weren’t exactly the best match. But Jamie, it’s like you said. It’s easy for me to sit at a distance and judge you for being with him, when I don’t really know what he’s like as a partner. Besides, people change. Don’t they? I mean, not everyone but some do. Holden just needs us to trust him, I don’t know. Maybe dating you, is the first step towards that.”

  “So you don’t think I’m fighting a losing battle?”

  “All I know is,” I say. “That he likes you. A lot.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because, I know him since we were kids. And I know he’s never liked someone this way since maybe Natalie, and even with Natalie it was different. He’s different now. Changed. I can’t explain it, but I know it’s got a lot to do with you.”

  “But I still can’t keep the baby.”

  “Maybe if you talk to him—”

  “I know Holden, he’ll never…I don’t know…we’ve barely been going out for a few weeks, Daniel. I can’t load this on him. We both know he’s not the baby-loving type. And tomorrow, he’ll feel trapped because of me and the baby and I don’t want that. I don’t want him to be with me because he’s trapped; I want him to be with me because he wants to. As long as that’s true, I’ll stay but the minute I feel like I’m forcing something down his throat, I won’t let that happen. I’m not going to become my mother. So, if I have to get an abortion to ensure that never happens, I will get the abortion. The last thing I want is for this baby to be an unhappy accident before it’s even born. I mean look around, Daniel! I can’t raise a baby on my own, in this shithole! I don’t have a job, I haven’t even finished school! I have zero future prospects!”

  “Lots of people do that.”

  “Well,” she says. “I don’t know what lots of people do; I just know that it’s not for me. I have dreams. And fine having a baby is one of them, but not if it’s killing all the other dreams I have. I know that sounds selfish and maybe it is, but I can’t compromise, not when it comes to love, Daniel. When it comes to love, I want it all.”

  “So, you’re getting that abortion then?”

  “I guess so.”

  “Well,” I say. “I hate that you will no longer be pissing off Mrs. Danvers as much, but I suppose I can live with that.”

  She smiles. “How very generous of you!”

  “I know right?” I say, but before I can say anything else, she gets a strange look on her face and she takes her head in her hands.

  “Jamie, what’s wrong?”

  “It’s nothing,” she says. “I think I’m a bit dizzy, that’s all.”

  “Okay, that’s it,” I say and get up from the bed. I pull up the covers and start tucking her in. She resists a little but then gives in.

  “I was having a good time,” she says.

  “We can continue our conversation tomorrow; right now you need some rest.”

  As I’m correcting the covers over her, I stop and just stare at her.

  “Daniel, what’s wrong?”

  “You’re so beautiful.”

  All of this just happens on some kind of autopilot which I’m starting to hate but I can’t seem to stop myself. I thought the drinking would put a stop to this behavior but I think it’s only made it worse. Having her in such close proximity—it’s strange and…magic.

  “Daniel—”

  I lean in and kiss her on the mouth. Oh God that feels good. My body is in overdrive. “Jamie,” I say. “I don’t care that you’re pregnant…I…I love you.”

  She sits up in bed. “Daniel!”

  “Did you just kiss my girlfriend, Daniel?” Holden says from behind. I don’t know if he came in because I left the door open or because he has a set of keys but it startles me and I turn to him, and know that I’ve made a mistake. I hope that it’s only a nightmare—but when Holden walks inside the room, I know all of this is really happening.

  “And what’s this about you being pregnant, Jamie?” Holden asks, and his face is a mix of anger and confusion, and worse—betrayal.

  Jamie is just sitting there, speechless.

  She doesn’t say a word.

  “So what, the two of you are a thing now?” Holden says. “You know, you could have just told me, Jamie. You didn’t have to cheat on me.”

  “Holden,” I say. “You’re taking this way too seriously! It’s nothing like that!”

  “I just saw you kissing my girlfriend and telling her you love her!”

  “I know…I know what that looks like,” I say, and what the hell am I supposed to say to that anyway? “But it wasn’t even her fault! It was all me! I’m drunk…and I don’t know what I’m doing…”

  “I tell you to give her a ride home, and you take that as a chance to take her away from me?” Holden’s really pissed at me now. “And Jamie, are you really pregnant?”

  “This is not how you were supposed to find out,” Jamie says.

  “Holden, it’s all my fault okay? Please, don’t be mad at her.”

  “I can be mad at whoever I want!” Holden yells, and storms out of the apartment.

  I look at Jamie. “I’m going to make sure he’s okay,” I say and go after Holden.

  When I go downstairs, it’s raining heavily and we’re both getting soaked and after walking a while, Holden stops and turns to me. “Is it mine?”

  It takes me a long time to respond. “Yes.”

  “I’m going to take a paternity test, you know that right?” he says. “If you two have been sleeping behind my back—”

  “Stop it!” I snap. “Holden. You have every right to be angry at me. But don’t you dare act like you don’t know her.”

  “You betrayed me, Daniel.”

  “That’s rich,” I say. “Coming from you.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing. Nothing okay!”

  “Are you still holding a grudge about what happened back in high school with Amy?”

  I say nothing.

  Holden walks up to me.

  “See this is thing,” he says. “Everyone knows Holden Danvers is a bastard. That he’s a womanizing, cheating asshole who hurts people and wrecks relationships. But you know what Daniel, I’m not the one trying to kiss your girlfriend and telling her that I love her.”

  He turns around and starts walking.

  The rain is beating down harder than it was before.

  “Holden, I made a mistake!”

  Holden stops and turns to me. “No Daniel,” he says. “I made a mistake.”

  “Holden stop!” Jamie calls out to him and Holden does stop.

  “What do you want, Jamie?”

  She runs over to him. At first they’re just standing there, getting drenched and then Jamie leans on her toes
and kisses Holden. “Holden,” she says. “You know me.”

  “You lied to me.”

  “I couldn’t tell you, Holden.”

  “Why not!” Holden yells. “You told him!”

  “Because it’s not his baby,” she says. “And because I was going to get an abortion, Holden. So it seemed pointless to trouble you with it.”

  “Pointless?” he says. “We’re in a relationship, Jamie! Nothing is pointless! How would you feel if I had a baby with someone and never told you and got it aborted, and then you found out from someone else! How would that make you feel, Jamie?”

  “You’re right,” Jamie says. “You’re right, Holden, I should have told you before I told anyone else. I will never make that mistake again, I promise. You have to trust me.”

  Holden’s just looking at her.

  “Tell me you trust me,” Jamie says. “Please, Holden. I need to hear it. I need to know that we’re okay. Please. I love you.”

  I’m pretty sure mixed with the rain are some tears when Holden says the next words. “I love you, too.” He leans in to kiss and when they do it again, they look like they’re going to be alright. I’m about to leave them alone, when I hear the sound of an engine revving—it’s a motorcycle engine and some guy in a black helmet and black leather jacket appears in sight, at first just barely visible because the rain is so thick and then it’s more obvious but I don’t see a face, just black all over and that’s the reason he blends so easily in the darkness. But then I see him slowing down when he nears us, and there’s something in his hand, and I try to take a better look at it by going towards it but the sound of gunshots like tiny explosions and the flare in the man’s hand, my brain makes the connection but before I can do anything, the engine revs again and the motorcycle has disappeared from my sight.

  I hear Jamie’s screams.

  The sinking feeling hits me that something’s wrong with her, that the gunshots must have hit her because that’s where the biker guy was pointing and I rush towards her, still blinded by the heavy downpour.

  But it’s not Jamie who needs my help.

  Holden is on the sidewalk, blood oozing from a wound in his abdomen, and there’s so much of it but the rain still makes it disappear. His eyes are open and he’s having trouble breathing, and Jamie is sitting next to him on the sidewalk, crying uncontrollably.