by Anna Sam
Not enough light? Don’t complain, think of it as a relaxing soft light after the blinding glare of the store.
15 minutes later
OK, you have scrupulously noted how many 1p, 2p, 5p, 10p, 20p and 50p pieces, and £1 and £2 coins you have. And the number of £5, £10, £20 and £50 notes. And the number of coin rolls … Calm down, now. Yes, you have a small fortune in your hands. But don’t think about that. Instead, think about your salary at the end of the month. That will bring you back down to earth again …
Add it all up and then subtract your till float (yes, the £150 in cash that was in your cash box at the start of the day).
‘Right, 173, how much? 173?! Yes, that’s you!’
‘I have a name!’
‘Yes, I know, but it’s quicker this way. So, 173?’
‘£3,678.65!’
‘Count again, 173, you’ve made a mistake! I warned you. You weren’t concentrating properly.’
‘Am I way out? Or just a little? Under? Over?’
‘Just count it again.’
10 minutes later
‘£3,678.15!’
‘OK. Before you go, check that your cheques and discount vouchers are safely put away. We’re not your skivvies, you know.’
9.35 p.m. You take off your overall in the locker room. You only have five minutes to catch your bus. Good night and sweet dreams (full of beeeeps, hellos, goodbyes … perhaps not).
THE JOB INTERVIEW
I’ve forgotten to mention something very important about your job interview. I’ll put that right straight away. It doesn’t matter if you have never worked before, you don’t know how to count, you are agoraphobic or afraid of the dark as long as you are available immediately, you accept the wonderful salary offered, you have a bank account and you can answer this question:
‘Why do you want to work with us?’
Yes, even to be a checkout girl, you have to come up with a good reason.
Try one of the following:
‘Because I’ve always dreamt of working in a supermarket!’
If you want them to believe you, say it with a lot of conviction and make your eyes sparkle with enthusiasm at the same time. Not easy.
‘Because my mother was a checkout girl!’
Same conviction and enthusiasm required as for the previous suggestion.
‘Because like you I want to “make life taste better”.’ or ‘Because, as you say, “Every little helps!”’
Stretching it a little, I know, but such devotion is always well received. So you might as well. You have to be careful though. Not all the slogans work. You might be wary of passing yourself off as ‘Everyone’s favourite ingredient’.
‘I’m a student. I need a part-time job to support myself.’
The classic answer but very convincing. And managers really like students. They grumble less than old people and don’t mind working at weekends. So it’s an excellent answer. Of course, if you’re not actually a student you have to look young enough to be credible. You shouldn’t have too much of a problem up to the age of thirty or thirty-five.
‘I need a job to survive.’
Avoid this answer – even if it’s true, the manager will think you’re ‘not very motivated’, ‘lacking team spirit’, ‘unsuited to the store’s commercial ambitions’ and your application risks being relegated to the bottom of the pile (which is enormous, by the way).
But there are many answers that will impress. For inspiration pretend that you’re applying to be a lawyer, instead of a checkout operator. Come on, use your imagination!
YOURS STATISTICALLY
Here are a few things to ponder if you are to be an unbeatable checkout girl:
About 750,000 people work for super markets in the UK (you’ll be joining a nice big family!).
15–20 items must be scanned every minute.This can increase to 45 at some discount chains. So the checkout girl has to handle customers’ shopping without proper consideration, leading to damaged goods if customers can’t keep up with the pace, which, of course, is nearly always the case. Well, they’re not paid according to their performance – but neither is the checkout girl actually …
700 to 800 items scanned per hour.
21,000 to 24,000 items scanned per week.
800 kg of goods are lifted per hour (more than this on good days).
96 to 120 tonnes lifted per week (the equivalent of four HGVs!).
Per year? Get out your calculator (not provided by your store).
Do I look like a bodybuilder? Well, hardly. Quite often I feel about seventy.
Every week you can consult the checkout-operator league table to find out who has taken the most money and whether you have been a tortoise or a hare. Don’t panic. There’s no reward (not even a bottle of ketchup) for the winner. But your parents and children will be really proud of you.
Every day you will say on average:
250 hellos
250 goodbyes
500 thank yous
200 ‘Do you have a loyalty card?’
70 ‘Please enter your PIN’
70 ‘Please take your card’
30 ‘The toilets are over there’
and many other similarly poetic lines.
You’re not a robot, are you? Of course not! A robot doesn’t smile.
Your average monthly pay: £800 net.
Hours worked a week:30 (or 26, 24, 20 but rarely the full 35).
But let’s get one thing straight. Don’t think you’ll be able to top up your hours with part-time work. Your manager will ensure that your rota will change every week. Of course you could always work as a cleaner from 5 a.m. until 8 a.m.or take in ironing. You didn’t want any time for family, did you? Well done, you’ve chosen the ideal job.
Here’s an example of a 30-hour week:
Monday:9 a.m. to 2.30 p.m. (working time: 5½ hours; break time:16 minutes)
Tuesday: rest day
Wednesday:3 p.m. to 8.45 p.m. (working time:5 hours 45 minutes; break time:17 minutes)
Thursday:1.45 p.m. to 5.15 p.m. (working time:3½ hours; break time:10 minutes)
Friday: 3.15 p.m. to 9 p.m. (working time:5 hours 45 minutes; break time:17 minutes)
Saturday:9 a.m. to 1 p.m./3.30 p.m. to 9.15 p.m. (working time:9 hours 45 minutes; break time:12 minutes and 17 minutes)
And the following week? Don’t worry, your hours will be completely different.
You’ll be told your new schedule two weeks in advance, three weeks in advance if the person who creates the rota is particularly zealous, or twenty-four hours in advance if a lot of cashiers are away.
Six hours fifteen minutes is the maximum number of hours you can work on the till without a break (in theory, although some employment contracts contravene this).
You’re entitled to three break minutes per hour worked, so if you want eighteen minutes to eat, you need to have worked at least six hours. You can forget about nice hot meals.
So there you have it. That’s your dream job … is it all you hoped for? You have the supermarkets to thank for that.
‘HANG ON A MINUTE, I’M AT THE CHECKOUT!’
Ah, mobile phones. What a marvellous invention. It’s just incredible all the things they can do: play music, show TV, send emails, follow the stock market … Incidentally they also enable us to make calls when and where we want. But that’s not all mobile phones can do. Some can even make a man (or a woman) invisible – and it’s not only the most expensive models that can do it. The fact that checkout girls are pretty invisible anyway, helps with this trick.
CUSTOMER (on the phone, talking loudly as if he were on his own at home)
But I’m already at the till! Couldn’t you have told me earlier that you wanted bananas?
CHECKOUT GIRL (very loudly to remind him that he is at the till and not at home)
Hello!
CUSTOMER (apparently he still thinks he’s at home)
Go out tonight? Are you feeling better then?
> CHECKOUT GIRL (who has worked fast so that he soon will be at home)
£13.50 please.
CUSTOMER (collecting his shopping with one hand and not moving fast at all)
I’m sure it’s a stomach bug. I hope you haven’t given it to me. I don’t want to spend all night on the loo.
CHECKOUT GIRL (getting up from her chair, clearing her throat, and speaking very loudly indeed)
£13.50 please!
CUSTOMER (with a quick glance at the checkout girl but continuing calmly to collect his shopping)
… you’re the one who never listens to me. You should wash your hands every time you go out.
CHECKOUT GIRL (clenching her fists and speakingreally, really loudly)
Do you have a loyalty card?
CUSTOMER (inserting his bank card into the machinewithout glancing up)
… I get it, I’m not deaf. You’re so grumpy whenyou’re ill.
The customer grabs the receipt from the checkoutgirl’s hand as if she were a ticket machine.
CUSTOMER (moving away with his shopping, still onthe phone and still talking loudly)
… It’s a good thing everyone’s not like you.
CHECKOUT GIRL (really loudly but only in her head)
And it’s a good thing everyone’s not like you. What an idiot!
And she decides not to bother with a goodbye. Every small victory counts.
Don’t feel sorry for yourself. You’ve just had an unforgettable experience – for a few minutes you have been completely invisible. And look on the bright side; you might get to experience the same thing again but with a subtle difference.
CUSTOMER (on the phone)
Blah blah blah …
CHECKOUT GIRL
Hello!
CUSTOMER (looking at the checkout girl)
Hello. (And eyes immediately focusing elsewhere) So,as I was saying … blah blah blah …
I’m not exaggerating.
But there really is a reason to look on the bright side. It’s not impossible that you will come across this rare specimen:
CUSTOMER (on the phone)
I’ll call you back, I’m at the till.
The customer hangs up and puts his phone away.
CHECKOUT GIRL (with a really big, sincere smile)
Hello!
CUSTOMER (returning her smile)
Hello!
Isn’t life great? Well yes, but don’t get carried away. That kind of customer is very, very, very rare. People who have met them still talk about it …
Now, if you are particularly sensitive about appearing invisible and this is your second year behind the till (surely you’re used to it by now?!) you might want to do this instead:
CUSTOMER (on the phone)
Blah blah blah …
CHECKOUT GIRL (scanning products quickly while … talking on her hands-free kit)
Blah blah blah …
CUSTOMER (looking at the checkout girl)
Don’t you have any bags?
CHECKOUT GIRL (without glancing at the customer)
No. (And immediately) As I was saying, blah blahblah …
In your dreams – no, not even in your dreams. A checkout girl must always act like a checkout girl. And a checkout girl does not use the phone at work! At least not until computers have replaced her entirely. Some customers appear to think they already have.
ENTERTAINING THE SUPERMARKET
Another job which is almost as desirable as yours is the supermarket compere’s. This strange specimen is wheeled out on very special occasions: Mother’s Day, Grandparents’ Day, Gardening Day, Green Plants Day, the First Day of Spring, the First Day of Summer, the First Day of Winter, Red Wine Day, White Wine Day, Beer Day, Pork Pie Day, Scotch Egg Day, Salmon Day, Chocolate Cake Day, etc. You’ll soon learn that any occasion is a good excuse for a party. And on those days how you will regret not being a customer. All those special offers and presents galore you will miss out on …
And you will very soon realise that not just anyone can be a supermarket compere.
You need a nice voice (well, a voice) and a lot of endurance. Supermarket comperes have to be able to talk into their microphone almost all day without stopping (which will rapidly make you detest them).
They also have to be convincing.
COMPERE (into the microphone)
Ladies and gentlemen, today we have a wonderful, magnificent, sublime, gigantic special offer: buy two sausages and get the third free! Wonderful value if you’re planning a superb, magnificent family barbecue!
And they must be good at the schmaltz.
COMPERE
… Ah, a family barbecue … What could be nicer than a family barbecue? What could be more touching? So don’t forget, tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Do something nice for Mum! For only £2.54!
They must enjoy travel.
COMPERE
I am currently in the bread-products aisle. Come and join me as we taste French pastries, lovingly made by artisans: croissants, pains au chocolat, pains aux raisins, just some of their specialities!
They have to have the charm of Chris Tarrant (generally they think they are Chris Tarrant).
COMPERE (to a customer)
So, madam, what is the capital of France? Paris, Berlin or Madrid? The right answer will win you this wonderful, amazing, magnificent barometer …
COMPERE
Um, I don’t know.
COMPERE
Do you want to phone a friend? (The compere laughs heartily as he says this – comperes also need a sense of humour.)
CUSTOMER
OK.
COMPERE
OK, I’m your friend. Here’s a clue: it starts with ‘P’.
CUSTOMER
Peterborough!
COMPERE (surprised)
Uh … no. The answer was Paris. But never mind, madam. Since it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow, you win this wonderful, amazing, magnificent bouquet of flowers!
And finally they need to be resourceful.
COMPERE (into the microphone)
Little Johnny has lost his mum and dad. Could they come quickly to the pet-food aisle. Their little boy really needs to go to the loo!
So you see, it’s true. Not everyone has the skills to be a supermarket compere. You will come to admire them for their ability to make so much of so little. It’s a highwire act!
Hats (and microphones) off to them.
I’VE SAVED A PLACE
Some people have a real phobia about queuing. But how can you avoid it at the supermarket, or the post office for that matter? With subtle little ploys, that’s how. Here are the most devious.
Tactic 1
DEVIOUS CUSTOMER (running up with four items in his hand)
Are you open?
CHECKOUT GIRL
I’m not but my till is! Hello!
DEVIOUS CUSTOMER
Excellent!
The customer’s four items are scanned.
CHECKOUT GIRL
£5.45 please.
DEVIOUS CUSTOMER
Hang on, my girlfriend’s just coming – she forgot something.
Five minutes later, still no girlfriend in sight and the queue of customers is building up behind him.
CHECKOUT GIRL (sensing the mounting tension)
Can I ask you to wait to one side?
DEVIOUS CUSTOMER (who’s oblivious to the tension but is annoyed by the question)
She’s coming! Can’t you wait just a second?
And indeed at that moment the checkout girl sees her arrive with … two baskets filled to the brim.
CUSTOMER BEHIND THE DEVIOUS CUSTOMER
Don’t mind me!
The checkout girl privately thinks the waiting customer is right to be aggrieved.
DEVIOUS CUSTOMER
I queued too, you know, like everyone else!
Tactic 2
The devious customer runs up with her trolley and starts to empty it on to the conveyor belt.
CHECKOUT GIRL
Hello!