by Anna Sam
But the devious customer has already disappeared, leaving her trolley still half full. The checkout girl tells herself that she’ll be back in a minute and starts scanning the items on the conveyor belt.
Another customer arrives.
CHECKOUT GIRL (conciliatory)
Hello, the person in front of you will be back in just a minute.
The other customer sighs. Two minutes later there is still no sign of the first customer.
CUSTOMER 2 (not happy)
I’ve got other things to do, you know!
CHECKOUT GIRL (embarrassed)
She’ll be right back, I promise.
Two minutes later, still no one.
CUSTOMER 2 (aggressive)
This is beyond a joke!
CHECKOUT GIRL (very, very embarrassed)
I’m sorry.
CUSTOMER 2
Sorry! Well, that’s not good enough. I’m changing tills. It’s outrageous!
And the second customer changes tills just as the devious customer calmly returns with her arms full.
DEVIOUS CUSTOMER
If I’d known you had no one waiting I wouldn’t have rushed!
Tactic 3
The checkout girl has no one at her till and indicates to an elderly customer waiting nearby that she should come to her till. The customer hurries over as fast as she is able and when she is almost there, a man rushes up and does a flashy fishtail move with his trolley. He immediately starts putting his shopping on the conveyor belt.
CHECKOUT GIRL
Excuse me, sir, this lady was here before you.
DEVIOUS CUSTOMER (without so much as a glance at the lady in question)
You’re joking! Hurry up, I haven’t got all day.
The elderly customer indicates to the checkout girl that it doesn’t matter. Shame …
Tactic 4
The checkout girl serves several customers and then turns to find an empty trolley without an owner. Five other customers are waiting behind.
CHECKOUT GIRL (to the customer behind the empty trolley)
Come past please.
As the checkout girl is serving the third customer in line, the owner of the empty trolley rushes up with two bags full of shopping and unhesitatingly pushes in front.
THIRD CUSTOMER
Excuse me but I was here before you!
VERY DEVIOUS CUSTOMER (pointing at the empty trolley)
Excuse me but I was here before you!
If the third customer decides not to let this go the atmosphere will turn ugly very quickly. Abuse will fly and a fight could break out. And frankly, the very, very devious customer has behaved so badly that you’d have to be a saint to stay calm.
The checkout girl, with the best seat in the house, keeps score and leaves them to get on with it.
I would advise all these very devious customers to do their shopping on the Internet. They will find it less tiring than treating everyone else like idiots …
KISSING COUPLES
So you thought supermarkets weren’t the sexiest of places? Think again.
They are much more erotic places than you had imagined. You’ll be surprised how many kisses are stolen in the aisles (including in the loo-roll aisle …), by the number of languorous glances exchanged between the butcher’s counter and the fishmonger’s, by the number of hands on bottoms in the frozen-food section, of breasts (and more if the chemistry is right) caressed in the lingerie aisle, and by the romantic and even passionate conversations in front of the cheese counter. You’ll be surprised as well by the number of domestic disputes …
Why? Maybe the plethora of products all within arm’s reach excites the senses.
Once it was my good fortune to witness real passion. It was the end of the day. Most people had gone. There was no one at my till (yes, it does happen). I was looking around (I know, the till won’t clean itself) and my glance fell on a couple and their four children in the comics aisle. I was immediately struck by the great tenderness between Mum and Dad and I said to myself that to be so in love after four children was the stuff of dreams.
And I starting daydreaming at my till … lots of romantic images passed through my mind until a sound like the unblocking of a sink made me look up. My dream couple were walking towards me with their trolley and four children … and snogging. Hence the romantic noise.
I told myself that love is deaf as well as blind. And can’t afford to wait either. All the time they were at my till they were fondling each other. And completely without inhibition either – they weren’t worried about anyone catching sight of Mum’s pink lacy G-string or Dad’s very hairy bum. Their children, unmoved, left them to it and took care of packing the shopping. I suppose it’s better than parents who argue. But I have to admit I blushed. It’s not every day that passion is aroused in front of your till.
But in your role as hostess of this love shack you should expect to inspire desire too (even though your uniform is horrible). Be prepared for these grand declarations of love:
CHECKOUT GIRL
£65.78 please. Do you have a loyalty card?
CUSTOMER (enterprising)
Do you want to sleep with me tonight?
Others will be slightly less direct, a little shyer and a bit more obsessive too. They will come to your till nineteen times in one week, each time with just one item. Eyes always on the floor. No hello or goodbye. You’ll start wondering if they’re a bit mad. But on the twentieth occasion:
CUSTOMER (white as a sheet)
Could … could I … I … buy you a drink?
If you say no you’ll break his heart but save your own … The rejected admirer will generally run away without asking for his change. And you stand there with your mouth open, taken aback by the turn of events.
Exciting, isn’t it?
And love at first sight? Perhaps, you might be lucky … but let me remind you: you’re a checkout girl and this isn’t a Hollywood movie.
‘EMBARRASSING’ ITEMS
What embarrasses or intimidates customers? Surely nothing, you say – isn’t that the nature of customers? Well, let me put you straight because there are a few items that bother some customers. And thanks to these items you get a little insight into those dear customers’ personalities. How you will laugh, but only inside.
Loo roll
Everyone uses it (consumption in Britain is more than twice the European average). And yet, for some customers it’s as if their loo roll smells bad already. You barely have time to scan it (don’t be sadistic and pretend you can’t find the bar code) before they grab it from you and bury it at the bottom of their trolley or bag under their other shopping. They will only breathe easy again once they are sure ‘it’ can’t be seen. And if ‘it’ can still be seen (because the bag is too small or the 32-roll family pack is too large), they will try their best for several seconds to push ‘it’ out of sight. Others will desperately try to find brochures and leaflets to cover it. And they will all scuttle away from your till as quickly as possible.
Sanitary towels
Apparently, for some girls (and even those who aren’t girls any more) periods are still a shameful illness. Luckily, sanitary-towel packaging and tampon boxes are more discreet than loo roll and can quickly be stowed in bags. However, not before you’ve seen these customers blush furiously, mumble an embarrassed ‘hello’, their eyes on their shoes, and drop their change in their nervousness. It’s as if you had suddenly become a very imposing person. Amazing, a checkout girl can actually intimidate her customers! And then there are those for whom it is such an insurmountable ordeal that they prefer to send their husband or boyfriend to buy them. And generally these men find it rather amusing. You will be surprised by how often that happens.
But you shouldn’t be surprised by any of this. When you think of all the adverts that systematically highlight bad smells and leaks, which will make everyone look at you, it’s no wonder that some people feel ashamed.
Condoms (my favourite ‘embarr
assing’ item)
There are, of course, the customers who appear to think, ‘If I hide this condom, no one will see it.’ They try to ‘drown’ the box in amongst other items (some will even make sure that they choose other products whose colour and packaging are similar to the condom packet’s), or they throw it down on the conveyor belt at the last minute like a casual afterthought. But they should beware of throwing it too hard because it might end up on the conveyor belt of the till next door where their neighbour is just paying for her shopping. If that happens their only recourse is to move to South America …
Then there are customers who don’t give a damn. But they aren’t funny.
And there are the show-offs. Real comedians. Pumped full of testosterone, they put two or even three or four boxes of XXL condoms on the conveyor belt. They don’t buy anything else, obviously, unless it’s lubricating jelly … and they fully expect all the customers around them (and preferably the whole shop) to notice and look at them with admiration (if they’re ladies) and jealousy (if they’re men). They won’t appreciate it if you scan their boxes too quickly but will love you if you use your microphone to ask the price (specifying that it’s XXL). And obviously they never use a bag.
Erotic films
As you would expect, when the show-off buys one he places it proudly with his boxes of condoms. The more hardcore the title, the happier he is.
Then you get the couple who find it ‘scandalous’ that ‘you’ (obviously it’s always your fault when things go wrong) don’t sell porn. But this shouldn’t happen too often. Supermarkets today have understood that porn is a juicy market and often have a designated aisle. Yes, they are hidden in the corner, right at the top, out of reach of children …
But others try to be more discreet.
They purchase their porn film with other, more ‘family-oriented’ films (Walt Disney, for example) and sandwich it between two others when it comes to paying (as if to say ‘How did that get there?’). Cinderella appears to have increased her bra size recently, you think …
They ask for it to be gift-wrapped every time they buy one. Probably to give it to their wives instead of flowers. Or for a couple of friends who are going through a rough patch. Or because there are no more plastic bags. You will be dying to ask them which one it is.
You will also see husbands who only buy them when they are alone and only pay in cash.
And of course, not to mention (OK, I will then) the customer whose DVD doesn’t scan properly so that everyone can hear you ask, ‘DVD aisle please, Till 5 would like to know the price of Debbie Does Dallas.’ And I’d like to see the expression on your face when that happens.
Ah, so many unforgettable experiences await you!
I’M HUNGRY!
At lunchtime you often see customers using their lunch break to do their shopping but you also see others (and it could be the same ones) just tucking in there and then. The supermarket starts to look like a self-service café. And some customers a little like pigs.
Maybe it could be a new retail concept.
Imagine having this lot at your till:
Customer 1: He’s in the process of devouring his tuna and mayo sandwich – noisily with his mouth wide open so that you can see everything inside (hey, where are the gherkins?). You ask him if you can borrow his sandwich for a second to scan the price. You have to wait for him to bite another piece off before he hands it to you and he takes it back almost immediately. Mind your fingers. He pays and thanks you with some incomprehensible words accompanied by pieces of tuna and bread which land on your conveyor belt. Wonderful, you get to use your paper towel and cleaning products sooner than you’d planned. But watch out: mayonnaise is slippery.
Customer 2: He puts his items on your belt, including a packet of crisps, which you pick up. They spray all over your till because he hasn’t thought it necessary to warn you that he has already opened the packet. On the other hand, he does find it necessary to shout at you (just what you need) and demand another packet of crisps. While he goes to get them, best to give your till a quick clean. And never mind if your hands are all greasy, they’ll go with your conveyor belt which is already well coated.
Customer 3: You’ve noticed him in the queue and already feel ill. You’ve seen him unwrap a family-sized Camembert and bite straight into it. When it’s his turn he has already finished it. How can he have gobbled it all down at such speed? The smell is making you gag. And it will hang around long after the customer has gone.
Customer 4: This one shouts at you because you want to make her pay for the bottle of fruit juice she drank and left beside the till. It’s true of course and you should never forget it: checkout girls are meant to be blind and stupid.
The lunch period requires nerves of steel and a strong stomach. But you’ll soon get used to it and the sight of customers who eat in the aisles will no longer revolt you. One less thing to scan, you’ll tell yourself.
Is it time for your lunch now? Bon appétit!
MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE – A VERITABLE GOLD MINE!
I admire those customers (mostly female) who only buy the store’s bargains and nothing else. Maybe it’s their revenge for ever-rising prices and the feeling that they are being squeezed dry.
This kind of customer has an iron will. She has a long detailed shopping list and never allows herself to be tempted by anything that is not on special offer. Standing in front of the cheese counter, she would like to buy Camembert, but only Roquefort is covered by the money-back guarantee. Neither she nor her husband like it much but never mind, she takes it anyway. Four of them. Same thing for the fruit yoghurts – only the strawberry flavour is eligible for the refund guarantee and her son hates strawberry. She gets it anyway. ‘Strawberry flavour or no pudding.’
She also plans ahead: the family-sized washing powder – ‘Not satisfied? Money-back guarantee.’ Five packets. ‘It will always come in handy. There are three of us at home.’ The same thing for the flour – thirty points on your loyalty card. Ten packets. ‘There’ll be some left over for Christmas.’ (Even though it’s only January.)
Finally, this type of customer has a lot of patience. On each trip, she meticulously checks all round the store to make sure she doesn’t miss any bargains. But it’s at the till that she really needs patience. She will require a receipt for every item covered by the money-back guarantee as proof of purchase. You do the maths: thirty items, thirty receipts and about fifteen minutes’ patience (and more if she pays by card, cash, cheque and voucher, and alternates payment methods).
And when this bargain hunter comes to your till you’re always a bit nervous. Is she nice? Does she know her way around the system? Otherwise, she might wait until you’ve scanned all the items (35), told her the total amount due (£52.38), asked for a loyalty card (twice because she didn’t answer the first time) before saying ‘Oh, I need a separate receipt for each item!’
So what if lots of people are waiting? That’s not her problem. All the bargain customer wants is those infamous receipts, the open sesame for the money-back guarantee.
Luckily, the regulars come at quiet times and love sharing their discoveries with the checkout girls.
And bargain customers must be very good cooks. Making something every day out of sardines in oil (‘30 points on your loyalty card’) and cheese-flavoured crisps (‘Win a trip to Center Parcs’), or coffee (‘3 for the price of 4’) and tomato sauce (‘45% free’) is not easy. And spaghetti hoops (‘money-back guarantee!’) eight times a month is nice but won’t you get tired of it the following month?
THE WONDERFUL LOYALTY CARD IN ALL ITS COMPLICATED SIMPLICITY
What’s the point? There isn’t one, or not much of one (don’t kid yourself – it won’t make you a millionaire). It’s just an ingenious way to encourage customers to come back to a particular store instead of going to their competitors. Yes, you can win a cuddly toy with 3,000 points (1 point for every pound spent in store), a darts board with 5,000 points, a plastic fruit-bo
wl with 10,000 points, a trip to Eurodisney in the raffle, a portable DVD player (that breaks after a week) with 90,000 points and £25 or a gift voucher worth £5 which is only valid for special offers … Really makes you want to fight tooth and nail to get that supermarket loyalty card, doesn’t it? And makes it imperative that you go out and buy as many products as possible as often as possible.
But that’s just scratching the surface of what the loyalty card can give you. It also offers amazing vouchers:50p for a box of washing powder worth £9.98 or a refund for one item if you buy five others the same – as long as you have the card and come back and spend the amount you won in the store the next day (I always admire the simplicity of their explanations, don’t you?). Then there are the special-offer days when cardholders (aren’t they lucky?) can buy more to spend more.
But never, ever forget the expiry date for your precious points or your voucher because, if you go over the expiry date, you will lose all the benefits you have stored up with such effort over the months or even years and you can kiss goodbye to that pack of playing cards, that synthetic teddy bear or that fondue set …