Checkout

by Anna Sam

  I admire the way the marketing people in supermarkets so readily (or should that be so disdainfully?) assume that their customers will react to loyalty cards like children who have been presented with a Kinder Surprise. But, given the success of loyalty cards, consumers do seem to have rediscovered their inner child. And today ‘the card’ is essential. The more you have (any of them), the more you feel the company belongs to you. But above all, if we didn’t have loyalty cards the checkout girls wouldn’t have anything to say to the customer. (‘How does it work?’ ‘Why doesn’t it give me anything?’ ‘How many points do I have?’ ‘Will my Club Card work at Sainsbury’s?’ ‘I didn’t have my card with me last month – can you add my points?’ and so on.) That really would be a shame.

  CLOSING TIME AND OPENING TIME – WHAT FUN!

  ‘We would like to inform customers that the store will be closing in fifteen minutes. Please make your way to the tills. Have a nice evening.’

  8.45 p.m.: Panic buying. Customers go mad. There’s not a minute to lose. People start running all over the place.

  And bang! Trolleys collide with each other.

  Crash! The chocolate-box pyramid falls down.

  ‘Damn it, they’ve already packed up the green beans!’

  Thud! Chuck the butter, milk, cheese and yoghurts in the trolley … and never mind the rest.

  ‘Why are they closing so early? Lazy so and sos!’

  8.55 p.m.: The music from the speakers stops.

  ‘Quick, get to the till!’

  Only three tills still open. A few minutes to wait in the queue. ‘You’ll have time to get some pasta while I wait!’

  9 p.m.: The security grating at the entrance starts to close.

  Right, the last customer has gone through. Oh no! Here’s another one running over, out of breath.

  The lights start to go out.

  That’s it, the day really is over.

  You let out a little sigh of relief, followed almost immediately by a cry of amazement. Who is that in the biscuits aisle? There’s a trolley, right at the end … a couple is wandering up as if they have all the time in the world. You can tell from their attitude that they don’t intend to head to the tills yet. But sparks are going to fly – the security guard has spotted them too.

  But no! He’s the one who is shouted at. The couple get angry. You can hear raised voices. The lady’s face is all red.

  After a good five minutes the argument stops and the couple follow the security guard, irritated. You think he’s won. But suddenly, when they are only a few feet away from your till, the husband turns around and dashes back to get that packet of biscuits. A matter of life or death, apparently. The woman continues to push her trolley slowly, looking you straight in the eyes.

  Their time at the till is spent being slow and verbally abusive.

  One item scanned, one insult thrown at you (‘It’s a scandal, we’re your best customers. We have the right to take our time to choose!’). One item scanned, one insult thrown at you (‘Don’t go so fast, are you stupid or something?’). One item scanned, one insult thrown at you … And their trolley is full.

  9.25 p.m.: The couple leave your till. All the lights are out except yours, like a lighthouse fighting the wind and waves. You have been on overtime for twenty-five minutes. It’s unpaid but you can claim it back in leave when management feels like it. Smile – the couple come back at least twice a month and always at the same time. But hey, the next time they come at closing time you won’t be there, it’ll be your day off, you lucky thing!

  I have one piece of advice: buy a punchball!

  But isn’t life great? There is also an opening-time version of this couple. And the countdown starts early!

  8.25 a.m., 35 minutes before opening: Their car arrives in the car park. They are the first. They beam with pride. They can park in the best place, just in front of the entrance. The first victory of the day. Quick, there’s no time to lose: get the best trolley (sparkling clean inside and with no squeaky wheels).

  30 minutes before opening: They are in position, the front of their trolley is touching the entrance barrier. It has started to rain. They have forgotten their umbrella. But they won’t wait in the car and risk having their place stolen when a second car arrives! The second victory of the day.

  15 minutes before opening: They are soaked through but still the first of more than … six people. So that makes six victories so far. Their impatience and adrenaline mount. Their trolley revs as they do a final check of the shopping list with simultaneous visualisation of the store’s aisles. Once inside they mustn’t lose a second. Careful! Raindrops are smudging the shopping list. Never mind, they know it by heart.

  5 minutes before opening: Your day begins. A big sigh followed by a long yawn. Your eyes are still puffy with sleep. You sit down with your cash box. You glance at the entrance and notice the seven … eight … ten … fifteen morning fanatics. You let out another big, long sigh.

  1 minute before opening: The couple are dripping wet. ‘It’s always the same at this shop, they always open late!’

  Opening time: ‘Good morning and welcome to …’ The noise of the security grating rising prevents the end of the welcome message being heard.

  The couple: ‘Ah, at last!’ And the grating rises and rises … slowly, too slowly. They slip underneath. The security guard indicates that they should wait. ‘You’re late, we’ve got other things to do, you know!’ they say, angry.

  Opening time + 30 seconds: Right, they have (finally!) got through the door, the first to do so. There’s not a second to lose. They head straight to the meat aisle. There won’t be enough for everyone.

  Opening time + 4 minutes: They are your first customers. And you record the first beeeep! of the day. Well done! You’re impressed: thirty items collected in less than five minutes. That’s a first. You watch them. They must be savouring their absolute victory. Well, no actually. The husband is annoyed. ‘Can’t you go a bit faster?’

  Opening time + 7 minutes: They leave your till. With a ‘thank you’ or ‘goodbye’? Anything? No time … the exit is at the other end of the store.

  Opening time + 8 minutes: The exit security grating is not open yet. The couple are standing in front of it, furious. That makes your day.

  Opening time + 30 minutes: They have gone home. They have put their shopping away. Their hair is still wet. And they have nothing else planned for the day. The husband sneezes … Outside the rain has stopped … The sun comes out.

  So which would you prefer, the Opening Time couple or the Closing Time couple? Can’t decide? How about both in the same day?

  WHAT A COMEDIAN

  Until now I haven’t given you a very positive image of customers. Let me put that right straight away by telling you about the ones who make you laugh. Hold on to your till, it’s going to be great.

  In the space of one day on average you will hear:

  ‘Am I disturbing you?’ (18 times)

  18 times a day you’ll reply, ‘No rest for the wicked!’

  17 times a day you’ll hear, ‘Were you waiting for me?’

  17 times a day you’ll reply, ‘Of course, I was starting to get worried!’

  15 times you’ll hear, ‘If I’m nice will you give me a good price?’

  15 times you’ll reply, ‘Do you want it twice or three times as expensive?’

  10 times you’ll hear, ‘It’s free then!’ (because the price won’t scan).

  10 times you’ll reply, ‘Of course it is, take the trolley as well.’

  8 times you’ll hear, ‘I’ve packed my shopping. Can I leave without paying?’

  8 times you’ll reply, ‘If you run fast!’

  Once you’ll be asked, ‘What d’you call a camel with three humps?’

  Once you’ll reply (even if you know the answer off by heart), ‘I don’t know, what do you call a camel with three humps?’

  Once the customer will answer ‘Humphrey!’

  Once someone will tr
y to do an impersonation of a celebrity.

  Once you’ll reply (in good faith), ‘The Queen?’

  Once the customer will reply, disappointed, ‘No, Bruce Forsyth!’

  Don’t look like that! At least they aren’t nasty, and actually acknowledge your presence. OK, being treated like an idiot isn’t great. But if you don’t answer, at least give them a little smile (I know, it’ll encourage them to do it again next time).

  And by the way, do you know what the checkout girl’s best feature is? It’s her laugh!

  A HEALTHY MIND IN A HEALTHY BODY

  Ladies and Gentlemen, are you fed up with your unsightly spare tyres? Do you dream about losing your love handles? Are you finding it impossible to reach your ideal weight?

  Panic over – by working on the till you have chosen the best possible path to weight loss. The miracle solution is at the end of the conveyor belt.

  Let the Checkout Girl and Body™ laboratory guide you: follow these exercises and your well-being will improve in record time.

  Lose weight

  Your shifts will change every day and from one week to the next. The upside: you’ll skip meals, leading to certain weight loss. Checkout Girl and Body™ has proved it. Small downside: you must avoid snacking during your breaks. If the snack machine in the staff room makes eyes at you it’ll quickly give you some extra padding which will keep you warm but will be fatal for your dream body! But your limitless willpower will keep you away from these servants of the devil and point you in the healthy direction of a bottle of mineral water (or tap water) and apples, your only indispensable workplace companions. Small downside: the noise of your stomach could rival the beep of your till. Never mind, you can always put it down to stress.

  Work those biceps

  Ah, blessed be the stores which require you to lift heavy items on to the till to be scanned. Thanks to this additional effort when you work on the till you will be able to tone your arms beautifully. Your biceps will be endlessly grateful for these relentlessly repeated exercises. Be sure to keep up a good pace!

  Small downside: Checkout Girl and Body™ has not been able to determine whether carrying heavy items can create tendonitis. Some checkout girls regularly complain of this but Checkout Girl and Body™ wonders whether this is not just pure fabrication.

  Do you dream of having beautiful buns?

  No problem, your position when you’re working (half sitting, half standing) will tone your thighs and buttocks. Aren’t you lucky! And don’t forget, for the best results get up and sit back down thirty or forty times an hour. This is very do-able during your working time and you will change your shape with grace and flexibility. Checkout Girl and Body™ has proved it.

  Small downside: it appears (but again this has not been proved by our laboratory) that this kind of exercise can lead to various kinds of backache. Checkout girls who have not agreed to be examined by the Checkout Girl and Body™ doctors have claimed that they suffer from sciatica and lumbago. But that’s just rumour at the moment …

  Get firmer breasts!

  Yes! As amazing as it sounds, the job of checkout girl has a big advantage for you, ladies! You carry a variety of heavy objects and you rotate by nearly 120 degrees with these items, which tones your pectorals. The result will be visible after only a few weeks. Your breasts will be firmer!

  It’s easy to compare yourself with women who aren’t as lucky as you. A customer passes by? A new checkout girl arrives? Look at her chest area and then look at yours, which already has several months’ work behind it. Can’t you see a clear difference?

  Checkout Girl and Body™ has proved it, checkout girls have nice firm chests. No more droopy boobs!

  Small downside: there is a slight risk of straining your back and this exercise is, of course, better suited to women. Some men might have to wear bras after a few months. But you have to admit it’s worth it!

  Develop your immune system

  Before working on the till, did you get colds, sore throats and flu all the time? Permanent contact with customers (one in seven will be carrying a virus during epidemics like gastroenteritis) will strengthen your immune system and make you resistant to all illnesses. What’s more, by working near the freezers, automatic doors which are nearly always open and air conditioning, you will become stronger in the long term.

  Small downside: it appears that some employees will become more receptive to viruses because of prolonged contact with all these germs. A study is in progress but there’s no need to panic. Checkout Girl and Body™ suspects that some staff have started this rumour as an excuse to blow their noses at the till in front of customers.

  Learn to put your make-up on

  Sitting behind a till all day under fluorescent lights will cause your complexion to lose its natural sparkle. Not a problem – after a few months’ work you will have become an expert in applying foundation (not provided by the store) to put some sparkle back into your grey skin. And use your breaks to get some sun in the store’s (noisy and polluted) car park. The reflection of rays on the cars will make you brown (or baked) in record time.

  Give your brain a break

  Note too that, with regard to the state and development of your brain, the automatic movements and phrases repeated a thousand times a day will allow your mind to take a break during your working day. You can engage your brain again when you leave the shop. A good way of preserving your neurones for when you’re old.

  Small downside: some customers will confuse you with a house plant or the village idiot. Let them, it makes them feel superior and they will be delighted to come back and do their shopping with you. You have won your first regular customers. Checkout Girl and Body™ is proud of you!

  So, dear customers, next time you do your shopping take a look at the checkout girls and observe the secret moves they use every day to create their dream bodies.

  Working on the till is even better than going to the gym! Right, bring on the water bottles and cat litter!

  SIT DOWN IF YOU CAN

  You know the children’s game, Musical Chairs? Did you like it when you were little? That’s all right then, you’re in luck! Your store’s management lets you play it again but especially on Saturdays and the day before bank holidays. So how is the game played? It’s very easy.

  Saturday morning, about 11.30 a.m. You reach your till, happy to have a new day of work before you and, oh joy, you discover that there’s no chair.

  And so it begins.

  Agitated, you glance right and left. The thirty tills are operating, their lights are all on. Have you already lost? A big sigh. But no, there is hope, twelve tills away the light is out. You take to your heels and off you fly. But what a disappointment! Your colleague has just forgotten to put the light on. What an idiot! You’re about to say so when you see another empty till and an empty chair! You check, no, it’s not a mirage, they are both empty. Isn’t life great? You make for the empty till. Your heart is beating hard and you throw yourself on the chair.

  Have you won? Not yet. You have to get it back to your till as quickly as possible. If you’re absent for more than five minutes, with or without a chair, you’ve lost. And you only have two minutes left.

  Bother, the chair is too big for the gap! Come on, clumsy, pull on it with all your strength! Damn, it doesn’t have wheels. And it’s really heavy!

  Stop moaning, pick it up and hurry! You only have a minute left and seventy metres to go. Do you give up? Perhaps you’d rather pull it because of your lumbago? OK, but you’ve lost anyway and the squeaking of the chair’s wheels is giving you away … Oops, sorry, you’ve hit a customer’s trolley … OK, you’ve finally reached your till? At last!

  Are you sweating profusely and thinking you can get your breath back? Well, think again and get to work. At least 350 customers to serve during the day and five are already waiting (crafty ones … they were following you while you hunted for a chair). There’s not a moment to lose. You can get your breath back at your next break.<
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  But why, you ask, wasn’t there a chair at your till?

  Answer: there used to be enough chairs for everyone but it would be too easy just to replace every broken one, and, anyway, it’s a fun game, isn’t it?

  THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

  Supermarkets – veritable treasure troves but, unfortunately, everything has to be paid for. Sometimes, though, especially if your purse is empty, or you’re a kleptomaniac, the temptation to steal is just too strong. It’s only human. But if you don’t want to get caught, dear customer, avoid the following ploys, which are all too well known by checkout girls, or else make sure you perfect them.

  The smooth talker

  This ploy involves being very voluble. The customer relates their life story and tells lots of jokes with extravagant gestures. This customer is a real clown – actually, a real magician. They hope to distract the checkout girl’s attention so that she won’t notice that underneath their coat their stomach is strangely round.