Checkout

by Anna Sam

  Little Rose (aged five): ‘Mummy doesn’t have any money to pay for her shopping. She can only give you a cheque.’

  Because the previous customer paid in cash and the little girl’s mother had explained that she didn’t have any change.

  All that is quite sweet and will make you smile. But when parents use you to scare their children, keep smiling (you have to) but you can put them right.

  When you hear a mother tell her child, pointing her finger at you, ‘You see, darling, if you don’t work hard at school you’ll become a checkout girl like the lady,’ there’s nothing to stop you explaining that it’s not a profession for stupid people, that you’d rather do this than be unemployed and that you actually have a good degree. (Five years in higher education? Really?)

  If you don’t, you may find that afterwards children don’t respect you or see you as a failure …

  And I have news for all those self-righteous people: it’s been a long time since a degree guaranteed a dream job. Today’s graduates sometimes have no choice but to do less skilled work.

  Dear parents, thank you for using us as the bogeyman to raise your children! But you need to update your ideas a bit.

  CHECKOUT GIRLS: THE FAIRER SEX

  People are always saying that:

  Little girls are just as intelligent as little boys (and even better at school and university).

  The records of female sporting champions are just as impressive as those of the men. And the queens of wrestling almost as well known as the kings.

  Women can be just as bossy, angry and rude as men.

  Boys are just as attractive, sensitive, courteous, frivolous and chatty as women.

  And there’s no lack of proof. So why do we continue to put up with:

  Seeing ‘Checkout Girl Number’ written on your cash box every morning?

  The guys always (or almost always) being sent to the aisles to lift and organise merchandise instead of the girls?

  The term ‘checkout girl’ being used every day but never ‘checkout boy’?

  There being far more girls behind the tills than boys?

  Our society still being eminently sexist?

  It is true though – and I’d forgotten this – that, probably to shut up chronic moaners like me, retail has invented a very sweet term, ‘checkout operator’. The debate is therefore closed and the problem solved, right?

  I dream of the day when all checkout assistants, customers and managers are treated equally whatever their sex. We can all dream, can’t we?

  ‘YOUR TILL IS ON A BREAK’

  There will come a time when you have to tell a customer, ‘It’s closed.’ And they will almost certainly reply, ‘But I’ve only got one item.’

  The first few times you’ll let yourself be convinced and scan their sandwich, electric drill or low-energy light bulbs. But very quickly you will learn to refuse politely (since there will always be others behind complaining that they too only have one item). Because, yes, even checkout girls have the right to take a break and relax for a few minutes.

  So why is a break such a big deal? In your office if you want to leave your computer to go to the loo, have a coffee or chat for five minutes with a colleague, you don’t need to ask permission. But you do on the till. It’s like being back in primary school.

  Want to say hello to a colleague in an aisle at the other end of the store? No, not possible during your working hours.

  Need to nip to the loo? Have you asked permission?

  Want a coffee? Have you begged for it?

  Need a smoke? Has your request been accepted?

  It’s 1 p.m. and you’re hungry but you’ve only worked half your six-hour shift. You need to ask before you can take your lunch break.

  In retail (on the tills at any rate) that’s how it works. You were hired to work on the till so you can’t leave your post without permission. So whatever your request or the emergency, you have to make a telephone call …

  Does it feel frustratingly as if you’re being treated like a child (especially having to ask to go to the toilet!)? Get used to it.

  And whether it’s a little local shop or a big supermarket, the procedure for asking for the right to leave your till is the same. You will engage in this little question-and-answer game on the telephone:

  ‘Can I take my break?’

  (Tick the relevant response.)

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Someone will come and cover for you.’

  ‘We’ll ring you back, too many people are on their breaks at the moment.’

  ‘Wait a little while, there’s a rush on at the tills.’

  Depending on the answer, your smile or grimace will reveal your state of mind.

  And sometimes when they tell you, ‘We’ll call you back,’ they might actually forget. You ring back forty-five minutes later (because you support the right of the other girls on the tills to take their breaks) and the answer may well be once again, ‘We’ll call you when you can take your break.’ You’ll be seething inside but won’t be able to let that show in front of the customer who hasn’t done anything wrong …

  Another fake smile and off you go again.

  There’s another awkward moment for many checkout girls when they have to ask permission to go to the bathroom …

  Imagine the scene: the store is packed and you have been squirming in your chair for two hours, improbably hoping that your need to go to the loo will disappear because you don’t want to bother anyone. Unfortunately, the need remains and, after a while, you have to decide to ask to close your till while you relieve yourself. You pick up the phone and try to be discreet with regard to the customers who don’t need to know that your bladder is full, all the while continuing to scan packs of loo roll and slices of ham.

  After several attempts (the line is always engaged) someone finally answers.

  ‘Can I leave my till for a second?’ Trying to talk quietly.

  ‘Why?’ In an irritated tone that doesn’t bode well.

  ‘I need to go to the toilet.’

  ‘Um, can you wait a bit?’ (Choose the appropriate phrase.) ‘You can take a break in an hour.’/‘You only went a couple of hours ago.’/ ‘But you only started your shift an hour ago!’

  ‘But it’s an emergency.’

  ‘… Ummm’ (or another muttering noise) ‘someone will come and cover for you.’

  (And in that case all you can do is hope that your replacement comes quickly!)

  In some stores codes are put in place to allow you to make a request more discreetly on the telephone because being able to say ‘Code purple’, ‘Can I have a 157’, ‘The sun is shining’ or ‘1945’ is more cryptic.

  Because really not everyone wants to hear ‘I need to go to the loo’ … and you won’t find customers’ little smiles very amusing either.

  It’s complicated relieving your bladder when you’re a checkout girl.

  But let’s get back to the subject of ‘breaks’. It’s a good day today, you’ve asked to take your break and your request has been granted. You’ll even have time to go to the staff room!

  But what’s it like, this place where all the store’s employees meet during the day? This room is the object of all the desires of the checkout girls, where they can leave their work and their customers just for a while. So is it nice?

  Well, there are several kinds of staff room, ranging from kitchens (all the perks: table, chairs, fridge, fresh coffee, microwave) to dining rooms (no meals served though) with large tables and benches (narrow ones usually). Rustic, I grant you.

  In big supermarkets, though, the room is designed differently. Here there is no fresh coffee for staff but an automatic coffee machine (not free obviously), machines with chocolate and sandwiches (they’re not free either) and, if you’re lucky, a water fountain (that’s free, just cross your fingers that there are some plastic cups left). There are a few tables and chairs. But avoid taking your break at the same time as everyone else because seats are rare. As if
everyone wanted to eat at the same time (how dare they!). And then there’s the queue to heat up your food in the only microwave (it’s a luxury if there are two).

  It’s a convivial room where the only decoration is an information board (messages from Health and Safety, the management, the union, adverts, etc.). In a corner are a few magazines to browse through, the same ones as six months ago.

  But it would appear that it’s not the same for everyone. I have been told (I would have loved to see it) that in other big supermarkets there are armchairs and a television (still no decorations though and the paint is peeling).

  But apart from having a coffee and eating a sandwich, what happens in this room? That’s easy, people chat! About everything and nothing, working conditions, relations with other employees and the bosses. Basically, it is a place to exchange information and set the world to rights. But look right and left first to check that there isn’t a boss in sight or a manager who might overhear. You want to moan about people but you don’t necessarily want the people involved to hear you … anyway, it all happens very quickly because with only three minutes’ break for every hour worked (in some companies the break is longer: four minutes per hour!), you don’t really have the time to talk for hours.

  Let me set the scene (stopwatches at the ready).

  Six hours’ work? Lucky you, you get eighteen minutes’ break.

  You clock off, go to the locker room to get some change to pay for your coffee/sandwich/bar of chocolate: two minutes gone (the corridors are long and you have to go upstairs).

  You go to the bathroom and wash your hands: three minutes.

  You go to the staff room: one minute.

  Already six minutes gone; you’ve got twelve minutes left.

  To save time you have got used to staggering your eating time with your break or eating cold food to avoid waiting until the microwave is free (so you save two to five minutes), which means you have a good ten minutes to enjoy your break.

  Once you’re settled, you flick through an old magazine which has been lying on a table for a few weeks. You are beginning to know the articles by heart.

  A colleague arrives.

  The discussion begins, you talk about working hours, break times which are too short, your last customers (‘Can you believe it? He changed the label of the chrome coffee machine but he’s a bit stupid. It’s obviously worth more than £3!’). You talk about your families too, your holidays (‘Is the boss going to grant me my week’s leave?’), plans for evenings out and the lack of time you have to spend with your children …

  One eye is still on the clock. People laugh. Another colleague arrives and already your eighteen minutes have almost run out. Your coffee has been swallowed quickly (did it burn? Too bad, you don’t have time for small sips!), the last mouthful of sandwich is stuffed down and you have to go and clock on again quickly if you don’t want to go over your break time (and be scolded by the boss). You’ve one minute left (barely time to go downstairs) before the end of your break.

  You leave your colleagues and rush off. Your stomach is a bit heavy, you clock in and return to your till and customers are already following you, ready to jump on you as soon as the till opens.

  Three minutes for every hour worked. It’s a good way to learn how to manage your time and make the most of every minute. A checkout girl must be organised!

  DO YOU HAVE 10 ITEMS OR LESS?

  Yippee! You have been put on the ‘10 items or less’ till. A quiet day then. If I were you, I wouldn’t get too excited. 10 = 10? Not on your till. Good luck!

  10 = 20

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  Hello, do you have ten items or less?

  CUSTOMER

  Of Course!

  Number of items on the conveyor belt = 20.

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  Could you please go to another till?

  CUSTOMER

  You’re just lazy!

  10 = 11

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  Hello, do you have ten items or less?

  CUSTOMER

  Um … one, two, three … eleven, is that OK?

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  Eleven isn’t ten.

  CUSTOMER

  You’re not going to kick up a fuss about one little extra?

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  Ten means ten. But if you want, you can pay separately or remove one item.

  CUSTOMER

  Bloody hell!

  10 = nobody

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  Hello, do you have ten items or less?

  CUSTOMER

  There’s no one else here, you could take my trolley!

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  Sorry, this till is reserved for customers with less than ten items.

  CUSTOMER

  Bloody hell!

  10 = 5 × 10

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  Hello, do you have ten items or less?

  CUSTOMER

  I’ve got about forty items but I’ll pay in five different transactions.

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  Very clever. I’d never have thought of that.

  10 = 10 × 10

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  Hello, do you have ten items or less?

  CUSTOMER

  No, a hundred but it’s only ten different things. It’s just that I’ve got ten of each.

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  That’s OK then.

  Yup, ten of one particular item only counts as one.

  10 = come on!

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  Hello, do you have ten items or less?

  CUSTOMER

  No, but I never stick to that rule. I work at Discounts R Us and the checkout girls there let me through all the time.

  CHECKOUT GIRL

  Yes, but this isn’t Discounts R Us, it’s Fresh Goods R Us!

  CUSTOMER

  Come on!

  Being taken for an idiot, insulted, having to argue all the time, getting involved in controversy, never giving in, being intransigent, etc. So does the ‘10 items or less’ till still tempt you? Didn’t you say that you had the beginnings of an ulcer? Just the place if you want to develop it.

  PRIORITY? DID YOU SAY PRIORITY?

  The sun is shining. Little rabbits are gambolling joyously in the fields. Peace reigns across the world. And mankind lives in perfect harmony where everyone is respected.

  A utopia? In your world rabbits don’t gambol and they’re not smiling. Well, that’s just not fair …

  You are at a priority till. You must give priority to people in wheelchairs, disabled people, pregnant women and people with young children. It’s essential to keep reminding yourself because you will be faced with several other ‘priority’ customers, all with a very good reason to be there. Never has the word ‘priority’ been used so often. Priority customers:

  The customer who is desperate for the loo.

  The customer who has been up since five o’clock that morning.

  The customer who is three weeks pregnant.

  The couple whose favourite TV programme starts in five minutes.

  The mother with three children over eight.

  The customer who has flu.

  The customer who has a dinner party for eight people to organise.

  The father who has to pick his son up from nursery.

  The young woman who is late for her class.

  The customer who hates queuing (yes, they do try to claim priority).

  And if someone who really has priority is waiting, you will have to convince the fakers to give up their place – and when they do agree, some will sigh loudly.

  Rarer, and at the opposite end of the spectrum but just as surprising, is the very old man who gives you his disability card to prove that he isn’t lying. If only everyone were like him … you’d be bored.

  Wait till you find yourself confronted with this situation: two elderly people, both in bad health, arrive at the same time at your till. Who should go first? How can you decide? The one whose arthriti
s is worse? A piece of advice: let them sort it out. The most belligerent will win. You can be nicer to the second one.

  Don’t let yourself be intimidated. Send fake ‘priority customers’ to other tills. That’s what they are there for.

  And no, the rabbits aren’t smiling. I promise you.

  CAN I SEE SOME ID PLEASE?

  You thought that asking for ID for certain purchases was a formality that everyone would accept. How naïve! You will discover that for some people showing ID poses a problem; it affects their own sense of identity.

  Yes, ID will give you intimate information about your customer. And maybe he doesn’t want you to know his age (he looks much younger), his address (he’s paranoid), his place of birth (he is ashamed of coming from Pratt’s Bottom), her maiden name (she’s ashamed of her father’s name, Smellie) or maybe he’s afraid that you will see his ID photo (he had a lot of acne then). So don’t be surprised if you hear this kind of thing:

  ‘What are you, MI5?’

  (… no, the CIA.)

  ‘But I’m thirty!’