I Hope You Find Me

by Trish Marie Dawson

  I avoided looking at him, and chewed on the inside of my lip to keep from saying something rude, but Connor beat me to it.

  “Well, isn’t that kind of you, inviting us to tag along. I think we’re good here though, thanks.”

  My teeth clamped down hard and I uttered a strangled yelp. Everyone turned to look at me.

  “Sorry, I bit my cheek.” I blushed, and licked my lips nervously; avoiding Connor’s knowing gaze and Matt’s glare.

  Mariah stood and for the first time I noticed she had a canvas shopping bag slung over her shoulder. She moved from the entryway to the kitchen and held the oddly shaped bag out to Connor, almost like a peace offering.

  “Breakfast.” She smiled at him. “We really appreciate you letting us stay, and we have plenty still. It’ll go bad if we don’t share.” She sent a sideways glance at Matt, who looked away from her. I got the feeling he didn’t want to share much of anything.

  “Thanks, what is it?” Connor asked her as he opened the bag. “Oh wow, yum.” His reaction made Mariah grin.

  Curiosity got the best of me, and I left the sofa to join them in the kitchen. Connor reached into the bag and pulled out two mini watermelons.

  “Did you find those in a store?” I was surprised, since it was off season but our whole food markets always had fruit. How they had stayed fresh this long after the power went out shocked me.

  “Yeah, we found them yesterday at a little ethnic market on the other side of downtown. Almost everything was rotten. Matt wouldn’t even go in the store it smelled so bad. But I wanted to check. There were a few things that I found, still edible.” She beamed with pride.

  “That’s great, thank you.” Connor said, smiling at Mariah. I cleared my throat and offered to cut the melon myself while the others gathered around the bar counter.

  “So when are you planning on heading north?” Connor directed the question at Matt.

  “I don’t know. Was thinking soon but now that we found you guys and this place, I guess there’s no rush.” Matt shifted on his stool and leaned forward so his chest was resting on the counter. He was watching me slice up the melon and place the pieces into a large glass bowl. I could feel his eyes on my back. He lowered his voice to a mocking tone, “Unless we’re intruding, of course.”

  Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. The knife hitting the cutting board was the only sound in the room. I kept slicing through the fruit, pretending not to hear the hidden implications in his statement.

  “Uh…no, you aren’t intruding.” Connor was the one to break the awkward silence.

  “Great!” Mariah jumped from the stool and came into the kitchen to take the bowl from me before I could fully turn around with it. She set it in front of the two men, and faced me again. “I can’t tell you how glad I am to be around another woman.” She nodded over her shoulder at her brother, “I mean, I’m so grateful to have Matt and I love him and all, but finding you two, this is just amazing! Don’t you think?” She spoke so fast that she couldn’t possibly have had time to breathe.

  I smiled at her, “Yes, it’s…great.” I glanced at Matt, who was watching me, while sucking on the end of a melon wedge. Mariah leaned in to hug me and I froze. I hadn’t actually touched so much of a person’s body since before my own family got sick. It felt alien in a way. I instantly remembered my kids. I patted Mariah’s back quickly and stepped past her, hoping that no one saw me fighting back tears. I excused myself to the bathroom and once behind the door, splashed my face with cold water from the tap. After a few deep breaths, I towel dried my face and opened the bathroom door to find Connor standing there.

  “You okay?” He asked quietly.

  “Yes, why?” I cleared my throat. I stood as tall as possible, but still managed to feel small in front of him. He took a step forward and slowly reached out and lightly stroked the side of my forearm. He lowered his hand but kept his gaze where he had touched me. A tingling sensation spread from my wrist up to my shoulder. When he spoke his voice was just above a whisper.

  “Are you okay?” He repeated.

  “No.” I could barely squeak the word out. I closed my eyes, not wanting to look at him, not wanting to look at anyone. In that moment I just wanted to cry.

  “Want to get out of here for a bit?” He asked me, his quiet voice was tender, almost soothing and his accent was a bit stronger, masking the sound of the letter‘t’ a bit.

  “Yes.” I finally opened my eyes and we stared at each other. I saw something in his expression that mirrored my pain. For a brief moment we just stood there, exposed, raw, and broken. Connor reached out again and this time took my hand, leading me out of the bathroom and across the bedroom.

  Connor’s fingers slipped away from mine as Zoey met us at the door, and I bent over and rubbed her head. She knew I needed the love more than she did. When we joined the others back at the counter, Matt was talking to Mariah about something inaudible and they quieted as we approached. Not sure what to say, I took a piece of the cut fruit and nibbled on it. I didn’t have the heart to tell Mariah I hated watermelon. She smiled and pushed the bowl closer to me, and I smiled back at her but avoided looking at Matt.

  “So Riley and I were thinking of heading out to get a few supplies, we should be back in a few hours. Will you guys be okay in the hotel by yourselves?” Connor was standing behind me, with Zoey at his feet.

  “Oh.” Mariah said, sounding disappointed. “Oh, no, that’s fine, we’ll be fine.” She tried to sound more upbeat but had a confused look on her face. “Is everything alright?”

  “Yes.” Connor and I spoke at the same time.

  “Of course.”

  Matt slid off his stool and raised his arms in a stretch above his head. I felt the move was an act to show off his defined abdomen. He flexed his arms outward and locked his fingers together, cracking the knuckles. I looked away from him.

  “Ah, its okay, Mariah. I think these two want some alone time.” He winked at me, and I glared at him. I felt Connor place a hand on my lower back, and lean in closer and I stiffened, not sure if it was an act to piss off Matt, or an innocent gesture of affection.

  Mariah seemed momentarily deflated. Then she brightened and asked if we could all eat dinner together. Connor, Zoey and I followed them out into the corridor and we agreed to meet again by sunset. We watched them open the door to their room and hurried down the hallway…I couldn’t get out of the hotel fast enough.

  We didn’t speak a word on the elevator, or when we walked out of the lobby. We stood outside and let the spotty sunshine warm our faces before Connor directed me to a pathway lined with palm trees and neatly trimmed Birds Of Paradise bunched tightly with other tropical plants I didn’t know the names of. The brown cobblestone walkway curved around the side of the building and opened up into a cabana style pool area. I gasped in surprise. From the street, none of what I saw was visible. I didn’t even know there was a pool tucked away behind the building. I followed Connor to a covered lounge area and we sat down on rattan chairs covered with brightly colored canvas fabric. Deep reds, ocean blues, fresh greens, and lemony yellows danced on the pillows and seat cushions. A lightly floral and citronella waxy scent wafted through the air from the open candles that sat neatly on the table tops nearby.

  Zoey dashed happily into the perfectly planted landscape that surrounded our little private cabana. After a series of patrols she found the perfect spot to dig and I watched as clods of soil flew into the air around her. I laughed as she came up for air, dirt piled neatly in a tiny pyramid on top of her snout.

  “Thanks for bringing me down here.” I sighed, breathing the air in deeply.

  “It’s nice, isn’t it? Relaxing.” His chair squeaked as he shifted around to get comfortable. He plopped his feet onto a matching rattan footstool the length of a small dining table.

  I leaned into the cushions, sitting sideways with my feet underneath me. I stretched my sleeves up to my palms and then tucked my hands under my chin, making myself as small as possible in
an attempt to ignore the coolness in the air. I felt Connor’s eyes on me.

  “Are you cold?” He asked.

  “No, I’m good.” I lied, as a chill worked its way up my legs and arms and tickled along my spine. I smiled at him, as if that would hide my shiver.

  He rose from his seat and crossed the small distance between us. He tapped my knees with one hand and gestured for me to move my legs. “Scoot over.” He said to me with a smile.

  I turned my legs and pushed myself over to the side of the chair as he edged in beside me, and after he put one arm around my shoulders, he gently pulled me close to him. My face was just below his so I didn’t dare look up at him.

  “Better?” He murmured.

  “Mm-hmm.” I didn’t trust myself to speak.

  We sat together, watching Zoey dig up the garden until she found an ideal place to doze in the sun. I had started to think Connor was asleep too until his hand moved from my shoulder, down my arm and back up again, slowly rubbing along my sweatshirt. The friction was warming and I let my head rest on his chest, just at his collar bone where I could feel his heart beating. I wanted to freeze that moment and hold onto it, so I closed my eyes and listened to the steady thump of his heart as my cheek rose and fell with his chest as he breathed.

  Connor raised his hand up to my face and tucked my hair behind my ear, and slowly trailed his long fingers down my neck, before returning his hand to my arm again. I fell asleep curled up next to him some time after, as he caressed my arm. It was a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

  ***

  When he led her outside he wasn’t sure where he was going to take her until he started moving. The pathway to the pool seemed to beckon him, so he moved them in that direction. He wanted to talk to her, but it seemed right to be quiet for now. He knew something upset her upstairs, and in her room it was as if they shared a certain understanding between them. Taking her hand was a bold move, but he wanted her to know he cared, and he didn’t have the words to tell her that, at least not yet.

  Down by the pool he wanted to hold her close to him. He wanted to tell her she was safe, he wanted to tell her not to leave. But instead he held her tighter, tried to warm her against him and watched as her dog made a mess of the landscaping.

  When he thought she was asleep on his chest he dared to touch her hair where it had slid forward over her face. He let his fingertips graze her neck and he felt her adjust slightly, burrowing against him. He took his hand away and put it back on her arm, and leaned his head closer to her ear.

  “Who did you lose?” He whispered.

  Drowsy, she answered him without opening her eyes. “My world.”

  “Me too.” He said, as he gently kissed the top of her head.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  We woke up when the sun was past its apex, and the wind from the impending storm was strong enough to slap the cabana curtains against our chair with fury. When I opened my eyes I was looking at a zipper. At first, I couldn’t register what I was seeing. I mean, I had known what a zipper was for over thirty years, but this zipper was completely foreign to me and definitely didn’t belong two inches away from my nose. I was laying on something soft and warm and blue, and as I blinked the sleep away, what was underneath me moved. I snapped my head up, and realized it was Connor’s chest I had been resting on, the zipper belonging to his pullover sweatshirt.

  He was yawning with his eyes shut, and I took the opportunity to sit up and put some distance between our faces. Zoey was lying at our feet. She had moved under the cabana after her siesta by the pool. She sat up and stretched as Connor and I came to terms independently that we had just slept next to each other.

  I was the first to get up. I stood so quickly that my head spun, and my vision went blurry and I lost my balance, bumping into Connor’s legs. He placed a hand on my hip to steady me and I laughed nervously and suggested we go upstairs and talk about Matt and Mariah, and driving out east.

  Fifteen minutes later we were upstairs, rinsing the dog off in Connor’s oversized bathtub for the second time that week. Even with the nap, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. We tossed all the towels we had used to rub the dog off and wipe down the bathroom into the washer along with our clothes. I scrubbed the smell of wet dog off my arms with one of the hotel scented soaps neatly displayed in a silver bowl on my bathroom sink. After pulling my hair back into a messy pony tail, I changed into my tank top and sleep shorts and pulled on one of the hotels thick, cotton-weaved, white robes while I waited for our clothes to dry.

  When we met in the sitting room, Connor was barefoot, wearing a pair of his faded blue jeans and a thin white V-neck shirt that showed off the sleek and smooth definition of his collarbone. I tried not to stare, but failed, epically. I was grateful he didn’t talk about our nap outside, because if he had, I was sure I would have blushed the most unattractive shade of red possible. So, I lost myself in the kitchen for a while, taking a mental inventory of the canned goods, bottled water, perishables and cooking supplies we could use for our journey into the mountains. The fact was we had more supplies than we could ever take with us, at least in one trip, especially if we planned to retrieve the Jeep. It didn’t have a huge amount of storage space, but at the time that I decided to use it…or more truthfully, at the time I stole it from my dead neighbors, I wanted something sturdy, not too large and with good tires. The Jeep would get us there, but not with all this stuff.

  “We should make a list of things we absolutely need to take with us.” I said out loud to myself. Connor made me jump a little when he spoke from just behind me.

  “You said you have a Jeep?” He asked.

  The space around me filled with the scent of his airy cologne. I breathed it in deeply before answering him.

  “Yeah, I only brought my backpack with me into the City. There’s a bag of dog food in the Jeep and I threw a few extra pairs of clothes and some boots in there. Oh, a gallon of water too.” I didn’t turn around when I spoke to him, I didn’t trust myself so close to him.

  “What about taking two vehicles up there?” He asked, after a pause. He was leaning on the counter now, still just two feet or so behind me. I could see the sleekness and nakedness of his arm in my peripheral vision.

  “That’s probably a good idea. I was just thinking of everything we have here.” I finally turned and leaned against the counter opposite of him. “I mean, we have no idea if the lodge is stocked with anything. There might be people there already or it could be completely gutted.”

  “We don’t know much, do we?” He smiled and gazed at me with his crystal blue eyes.

  Don’t look at his eyes, Riley, whatever you do, or you might lose yourself in the blue. I cleared my throat softly and glanced around the room, searching for something else worth commenting on. I couldn’t seem to handle looking at him, and he couldn’t seem to stop looking at me. I felt like a foolish teenager with a crush, but it also felt forbidden. I wasn’t ready or altogether willing, for life to move me along so quickly. Officially, I had been single for most of the last year. I had dated one man for a handful of months after my divorce was finalized but I wasn’t much of a browser. Dating was a challenge with two young children in tow, finding a man that accepted that had been hard to find. And unlike my ex-husband, who was working on girlfriend number three by the time our divorce hit its one year anniversary; it was hard for me to move on. Really hard. Anything that happened with Connor made me feel like not only was I cheating on the dead memory of my ex, but our children as well. I didn’t like that feeling, it made me sad in places of my heart that I didn’t know existed.

  When I glanced back at Connor, he pushed off the counter and stepped forward with one of his hands outstretched, “Riley, look…” He was cut off by a loud knock and Zoey let off a flurry of barks as she flew off the sofa and darted to the door.

  “I’ll get it.” I said a bit too hurried, and I felt the slightest touch of his fingers along my cheek as I slipped past him out of the kitchen and to the door as
fast as I could.

  It was Mariah, and she asked what our plans were for dinner. I told her it was going to be coming from a can or a bag and she laughed. I invited her and Matt over to eat with us without asking Connor and she promised to be back soon, with her brother, as I watched her walk the short distance to the next suite.

  Connor was still in the kitchen and I risked a quick look in his direction. I couldn’t see his face but his shoulders were slumped and his head was tilted downward. I knew he must have been at least a little upset with me, but I didn’t have the energy for the conversation he seemed so eager to have.

  “I hope that was okay.”

  “What?” He didn’t look at me.

  “Inviting them over, I hope it was okay?” I watched him carefully. He didn’t make eye contact with me, but instead moved around the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets, apparently searching for something.

  “Oh, sure. Why not?” He said the words lightly but I felt tension in the air between us.

  “I’ll cook, I make a great spaghetti.” I hoped I hadn’t hurt him.

  “Sounds fine,” He said something under his breath as he rummaged deeper into a cabinet and then loudly exclaimed, “Ah! There you are!” He set a large unopened bottle of Bushmills 21 onto the counter with a solid thud and I eyed the amber liquid with curiosity.

  He said half joking, “There were several a few weeks ago. Now there’s only this one left. The bar downstairs has a great selection of alcohol though, if you aren’t interested in this.” He gestured to the bottle.

  “It looks expensive.” I told him. Connor shrugged, and set two glass tumblers down beside the bottle.

  “Depends on what you consider expensive.” His tone was a bit saucy.

  “If it’s more than $20, it’s expensive to me.” I said.

  Connor laughed loudly, and said, “Well, it’s more than $20.”