Hummingbird Heart

by Robin Stevenson

  I opened my window. The nail polish fumes were stinking up my room. I tried to breathe shallowly and wondered why I hadn’t phoned Toni last night after Mom told me about Mark’s call. Usually I told her everything. “Just some stuff with my mom. You know.”

  Toni watched me, a mixture of hurt and irritation flickering across her face. She flapped her hands to dry the polish and said nothing for a long moment. Finally she shrugged. “Well, if you want to talk about it…”

  “Thanks. But I’m fine.” I sat down on the edge of the bed. “Okay. Maybe I should wear something else. What do you think?”

  “Actually, you look gorgeous, as usual. And that shade of blue suits you.” She tilted her head to one side thoughtfully. “You just need something…here, try this lipstick.”

  I took it and ran the color along my lips. I wouldn’t share lipstick with anyone else—I was too germophobic—but Toni didn’t count. “There. Better?”

  “Perfect.” She sighed, lower lip sticking out, blowing air upward so that her curly hair lifted off her forehead. “You are so beautiful, Dylan. Seriously. Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. I’m so totally jealous.”

  I didn’t think I was beautiful at all. I was tall and kind of clumsy, with long straight brown hair and blue-green eyes. My mouth was too wide, my eyebrows too heavy; and I wasn’t sure what I thought about the slight cleft in my chin. I did like my nose though, and at least my teeth were all right. I stared at my reflection and wondered for about the millionth time whether I looked anything like Mark. The lipstick was startling: dark red against my too-pale skin. I brushed my hair and held it away from my face for a moment, trying to see myself objectively; then I let it fall forward so that it partly covered one eye.

  Maybe I would refuse to meet him. Let him see how it felt to be rejected.

  The party was only a few blocks from my place, so Toni and I walked over together. Karma followed us for the first block. She was pretending that she was going for a bike ride, but she was just tagging along to be annoying. She was so good at it, you’d never guess she hadn’t been a younger sister her whole life.

  “Is your boyfriend going to be there?” she asked Toni.

  “How exactly is that any of your business? Anyway, it’s too dark for you to go for a bike ride. You don’t even have a light on your bike.” Toni made a face at her. “Shouldn’t you be in bed, little girl?”

  Karma was unfazed. “I’m fixing my light. Anyway, it’s not even eight thirty yet. I bet Dylan’s going to kiss boys. Are you, Dylan?”

  “Karma! Get lost.”

  “I know what high school parties are like,” Karma said, her bike wobbling on the sidewalk and almost hitting me. “My friend’s sister goes to them all the time. Everyone gets drunk and makes out.”

  “Yeah? Well, I don’t, okay? I’m not like that.” I gave her handlebars a gentle shove.

  Karma put her feet down as her bike started to tip over. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Goodbye, Karma.”

  She stood there for a minute before she hopped on her bike and sped off toward home.

  “Sometimes I’m glad I’m an only child,” Toni said.

  “She just wants to be older already, you know?” A cool wind was blowing straight down the street, and I wrapped my arms around myself, shivering. Personally, I didn’t think being sixteen was that great. It was true, what I’d told Karma: I wasn’t the type to get drunk and fool around. In fact, though I’d never admit this to her, I’d never fooled around with anyone. Parties made want to crawl out of my skin, run away and hide in a hole somewhere.

  Still, this one should be okay. Jessica wasn’t exactly a close friend, but I’d known her forever. We’d gone to elementary school together, ridden bikes around the neighborhood, trick-or-treated at each other’s houses at Halloween. And besides, even though I didn’t enjoy parties, I couldn’t stand to miss them either.

  “You have FOMO,” Toni had told me when I tried to explain this. “Fear of Missing Out.”

  I'd nodded. That was it exactly. “It’s lame. I mean, what exactly do I think might happen?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Someone interesting might show up.” Toni had raised and lowered her eyebrows. “Someone whose name starts with J, perhaps.”

  Jax. To me, names nearly always had a shape or a texture. I used to think everyone noticed this, but Mom and Toni both looked at me like I was nuts when I tried to explain, years ago, that Toni’s name was square and solid, and Mom’s name, Amanda, was round and as powdery soft as icing sugar. So maybe it was just me. Anyway, Jax was a pyramid-shaped name. Triangular and sharp-edged. The opposite of Dylan, which was sort of floppy and undefined.

  “I wonder if Jax has a girlfriend,” I said.

  “Not as far as I’ve heard.”

  “Mmm. Well, it’s not like he’d be interested. I’m probably not his type.” I hoped Toni would argue with me.

  She laughed, but there was something impatient about it. I knew she didn’t like it when I sounded too insecure. Maybe she agreed that I wasn’t the kind of girl a guy like Jax would date. Maybe she even wondered what she was doing hanging out with me herself. I wished I could take back my last words.

  “Maybe not,” she said. “But you never know.”

  “You think I’m not then? Not that it matters, but what do you think is his type? I mean, why do you think he wouldn’t be interested?”

  She just shrugged. “I don’t even know the guy, Dylan. But if you like him, go for it. Anyway, lighten up, okay? The party should be fun.”

  I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I just felt…flat. Blah. Not even remotely in the mood for a party. Not like Toni, who was fizzing with energy and anticipation. She was champagne and I was…I don’t know. Diluted Kool-Aid, maybe. Or skim milk. Something boring and unappealing.

  When we were younger, Toni and I hadn’t really needed a lot of other friends. We’d played outdoors all summer, practicing on the monkey bars at the park for hours and riding our bikes to each other’s houses. In the winter, we’d holed up in Toni’s parents’ rec room, back before the divorce, and played Dogopoly and Cranium, and designed weird futuristic worlds. Glass domes, underground tunnels, teleportation devices and just-add-water meals. We talked about how scientists would develop replacement body parts, how people would never have to die unless they chose to, how we would live together near the ocean and rescue stray dogs. Toni used to be crazy about dogs. Maybe it was dumb of me, but I’d thought things would go on that way forever.

  Looking back, it seemed like the change had happened almost overnight, the summer before grade eight. Toni’s parents had separated, and Toni suddenly began to transform herself into someone else. She shed the scruffy jeans and started wearing makeup and developed a certain giggling laugh that she only used around boys. Toni and I had always made fun of teenage girls and had sworn we’d never be like that ourselves. I’d seen it closing in around us, in the music and the TV commercials and the girls smoothing on lip gloss in the hallways before class, but I’d really believed we could escape it. I’d believed it right up until Toni changed.

  It wasn’t like I still wanted to play on the monkey bars. I’d have been happy hanging out at home or at the mall with Toni. But she’d had one boyfriend after another since eighth grade. I had tagged along—still Toni’s best friend, but no longer the only one.

  Toni dragged me along to parties, made me one of the group. If it wasn’t for her, I’d probably be a social outcast. She did all the work and I coasted along behind, like a cyclist drafting a truck, sucked along in the slipstream. I should have been grateful, and most of the time I was.

  But I still wished things could go back to how they used to be when we were twelve.

  SIX

  The party house was thrumming with music and swarming with people. Half the high school must have been there. Jessica waved to us from across the living room and made her way over. Her face looked oddly unfamiliar
behind pale foundation and darkly made-up eyes. She’d been a total tomboy when we were kids, into baseball and dirt bikes, but now she seemed to be turning into this model-wannabe who wore tight clothes and thigh-high boots with stiletto heels. I felt as though I didn’t know her anymore.

  “Hey, guys.” Jessica winked at me.

  I nodded back. “Hi.” I gestured at the crowds. “Lot of people.” Duh.

  “Yeah, yeah. Hey, you haven’t seen Ian, have you?”

  “We just got here,” Toni said.

  “He doesn’t like parties,” Jessica said, rolling her eyes. “He’s probably hiding somewhere. I better go find him.”

  I knew how he felt. Toni elbowed me, and I could hear bottles clinking together in the bag slung over her shoulder. “There’s Finn,” she said.

  I followed her gaze. Finn was walking toward us. I’d never been attracted to him, but I could see why Toni was. Dark curly hair, dark eyes, nice body. And a slight British accent. He’d moved to Canada when he was barely old enough to speak, which made me wonder if he might be at least partly faking it. I realized I was frowning and quickly adjusted my expression to something more neutral. “Well, I guess I better give you guys some privacy.”

  “You don’t have to. Hang out with us. Seriously, Dylan, you don’t have to always…”

  I gave Toni a one-armed sideways hug and forced myself to smile. “I know when three’s a crowd.” I nodded at Finn as he joined us. “Hey, Finn. I’ve gotta go talk to someone. I’ll catch you later, Toni.”

  Finn grinned at me. Toni shrugged, pulled a six-pack of coolers out of her bag and handed one to me. I took it and wandered off, feeling lost as I made my way out of the kitchen and through the crowded living room. I shouldn’t have come. I really didn’t like parties. I usually spent the whole time feeling awkward and uncomfortable, or sitting in a corner somewhere having an intense conversation with one other person, which was fine, but in that case why be at a party at all?

  I found an empty window seat and sat down, watching the party like I was in the audience at a play. Front row, and hoping none of the actors would actually try to interact with me. I tipped a mouthful of Toni’s cooler down my throat. Ugh. And about the color—what did they put in there to make it that toxic blue? It was probably carcinogenic. What would make anyone think it was a good idea for a drink to be that color anyway? I tucked my feet beneath me and stared at my shoes. I should just go home.

  An hour later, I was still thinking the same thing, but for some reason I hadn’t actually left. Instead, I’d had a boring conversation about computer games with a guy I didn’t know and an even more boring conversation about school with a girl from my French class. I’d drunk another of Toni’s coolers and watched from a distance as Toni and Finn made out on the couch. I was pulling my phone out of my purse, trying to decide how uncool it would be to text Toni that I was leaving, when I glanced up and saw Jax.

  He really was gorgeous. Every time I looked at him, I felt as if my heart actually, literally, skipped a beat. I watched him walk across the living room and look around a little uncertainly. I hesitated. I should wave. That would be what Toni would do. Instead, I looked away.

  Which was totally the wrong thing to do, because he’d already caught me looking. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him walking toward me. Would he think it was weird that I’d seen him and just looked away? I forced myself to turn toward him and smile. My cheeks felt hot.

  “Finally, a face I recognize,” he said. “Jessica invited me, but I haven’t seen her anywhere.”

  “She’s around,” I told him. “Did you just get here?”

  “Yeah. I had to work tonight. I just got off.”

  “Where d’you work?”

  He grimaced. “Don’t ask.”

  “That bad?”

  “Mmm.” He grinned. “Golden arches, weird red-haired clown guy, skinny gray burgers, scary secret sauce.”

  “Did you know that North Americans spend more on fast food than education?”

  He laughed. “Doesn’t surprise me.”

  “And all that meat too. It’s terrible.” Nice one, Dylan. Insult the guy, why don’t you? “I don’t mean that people who eat meat are terrible,” I said quickly. “It’s just that the industry isn’t sustainable. I mean, it takes almost five pounds of grain to produce one pound of beef. That’s just crazy.”

  Jax laughed again. “You’re cute when you get all excited. I’m Jax, by the way.”

  “I know.” I wasn’t sure I liked being called cute. It sounded like a compliment but…There was a brief silence and I realized that I’d missed a cue. I hoped he wouldn’t notice that I was blushing. “Oh. I’m Dylan.”

  He nodded and repeated my name as if he was making an effort to remember it. “Right. Dylan. Come on, let’s get a drink.”

  I followed him through the living room and back into the kitchen, vowing to shut up. I looked around for Toni but couldn’t see her anywhere.

  Jax grabbed a couple of beers and handed one to me. “So,” he said, turning back to me. “Let’s go find somewhere to sit down.”

  My heart sped up. Was he coming on to me? Toni always said I was uptight. I knew I was. I couldn’t help it. Look at me now—we’d barely had a conversation and already I was worrying about things. Sex things. Expectations. My cheeks burned. He probably wasn’t even interested in me anyway. Not that way.

  Jax chugged some beer, lowered the bottle and winked at me. “Come on. You can try to persuade me to give up hamburgers.”

  I hesitated. He held out his hand, and I took it and followed him downstairs.

  Seven

  I couldn’t believe I was sitting right beside Jax. I could only look at him for a couple of seconds at a time—he was too beautiful, and it made me feel all flustered and stupid. I had to take in his face in small glimpses, one feature at a time. Brown eyes that slanted downward at the outer corners when he smiled. Thick straight eyebrows. Full lips that could have been a girl’s, but didn’t look in the least girly on him. I took the joint he held out, inhaled and almost immediately started coughing.

  We’d been sitting on a basement couch talking for what felt like hours but was probably only about ten minutes. So far, I’d learned that Jax had moved here from Campbell River, that he had one older brother, that he listened to music that I’d never heard of, and that he used to be really into wrestling but had quit last year.

  I hadn’t told him much about myself. I was worried I’d say the wrong thing. A couple of times I’d thought he might try to kiss me, but so far he hadn’t. I wondered if I’d been imagining things, or misreading them. I couldn’t decide if I wanted him to or not.

  I’d never actually had an official boyfriend. Things always seemed to get messed up once that friendship line got crossed.

  I took another drag on the disappearing joint, feeling the heat on my fingertips where they pinched the paper. “My mom smokes up all the time,” I told him, leaning away from him on the couch.

  “Your mom?” He laughed. “No way.”

  “Well, not all the time. Not that much, really, anymore. But she was a total pothead, back when I was a kid.”

  “Wow. My parents are as straight as they come.”

  “You’re lucky.” I passed the joint back to him.

  “Nah. They’re uptight.” Jax took a deep hit, and spoke, still holding the smoke in. “They could use a little chemical help.”

  “My mother’s actually okay with me smoking pot occasionally. She says it’s no big deal.”

  He put his hand over mine and met my eyes. “And your dad?”

  “Um, my dad?”

  “Yeah. Where does he stand on all that?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “He lives back east. But…” The words were out of my mouth before I had time to think about them. “He’s in town for a visit this week.”

  “They’re divorced, your folks?”

  “Something like that.”

  There was a silence. �
��Dylan…” Jax cleared his throat. “I did actually know your name, you know.”

  “You did?”

  “I asked someone who you were. Right after that first class I saw you in.”

  “You did?” I said again.

  His hand tightened over mine. “Anyone ever tell you that you’ve got great eyes?”

  “I don’t.” I dropped my gaze, squirming inside but trying not to show it.

  He let go of my hand, put a couple of fingers under my chin and lifted my face so that I had to look at him. “You do. They’re a wild color. Kind of turquoise.”

  “I like brown eyes better,” I told him. I could feel myself blushing.

  Jax started to lean toward me.

  “Hey, you two,” a voice said.

  I startled and pulled away. “Toni!”

  “Sorry.” Toni had a big grin on her face. “Bad timing?”

  “No, no. It’s fine.” I was actually sort of relieved. I looked at Jax. “You two know each other, right?”

  “I don’t think we’ve actually met.” Jax didn’t bother to introduce himself.

  Nor did Toni. “Look, Dylan, we should head out,” she said. “You’re supposed to be home by one, right?”

  “Technically, but it’s sort of flexible.” I looked at my watch. Almost two. “Jeez. Not that flexible.” I looked at Jax, feeling confused. “I guess I’ll see you at school.”

  “Maybe we can get together sometime this week.” He reached for his phone. “Unless you’re too busy. With your dad visiting, I mean.”

  Toni stared. “Your dad visiting,” she echoed.

  I shot her a look, silently begging her not to say anything. Jax and I exchanged numbers. Then I followed Toni upstairs and out of the house into the cold night air.

  “What the hell?” Toni asked. “Your dad visiting? What was that about?”