Hummingbird Heart

by Robin Stevenson

  “This isn’t a party,” I reminded her.

  She sounded as if she was choking. “Dylan, you’re so weird sometimes.”

  “I know.”

  We sat side by side on the floor. From down the hall, I could hear voices and laughter from the TV. “Please tell me what’s wrong,” I whispered.

  Toni wrapped her arms around her knees and hugged them to her chest. She stared down at the carpet for a long moment before she turned her head to the side and met my eyes. “I think I’m pregnant.”

  “Oh. Oh, Toni.”

  “Yeah.”

  The wind was blowing the rain sideways, and it splatted in big heavy drops against my window. Tap tap tap. Jax’s fingers against my thigh, the sound of my thought bubbles popping. I had an awful urge to giggle. “I’m stoned,” I told Toni apologetically. “If I seem odd…”

  “Yeah, I kind of noticed.”

  There was a long silence and I tried to concentrate. “Jeez. So, are you sure? I mean, you could just be late, right?”

  “I’m never late.”

  “How late are you?”

  “Two weeks. At first I kept thinking maybe I’d just mixed up my dates, or, I don’t know. Hoping I’d start my period. Trying not to think about it.” She looked at me. “But tonight I started to feel kind of queasy. And my boobs hurt. That’s bad, right?”

  I’d never even been a week late. Not that I had a reason to keep track. “That sucks, Toni. I mean, that really, really, really…”

  “Sucks. Yeah.”

  We sat in silence for a moment. I couldn’t imagine how freaked out I’d be if it was me. I felt like I was in a movie or something, like this wasn’t our real lives. “I guess if you really are pregnant, you’ll have an abortion, right?”

  Toni looked away. “I don’t know. I guess, probably.”

  “What other choice is there?”

  “Duh.”

  She couldn’t be serious. “You can’t have a baby.”

  “Why can’t I?”

  “Well, because. Because you’re sixteen.” I couldn’t believe she was even considering it. “What does Finn say?”

  There was a long, long silence. Finally Toni sniffed a bit, wiped her nose again, and rubbed her hands across her eyes, leaving black smeary circles around them. “I haven’t told him.”

  “You haven’t? Why not?”

  “I haven’t told anyone. Just you.”

  “Yeah, but—well, you have to tell Finn. I mean, it’s kind of his problem too, right?”

  She gave a snort. “Seems like my problem to me.”

  “It’s his fault as much as yours.” I winced. “I don’t mean fault, like I’m blaming anyone. I mean”—I searched for the word in my fuzzy brain—“responsibility.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  I thought about Mom, finding out she was pregnant at the same age we were now, and keeping it secret. “I think you should tell him.”

  “I know. I know.”

  “But, Toni, what are you doing with him if you can’t even talk to him about something this huge?”

  “I love him,” she said. “And I don’t want to do this to him, you know? I don’t want to mess up his life.”

  “How come you’re acting like this is all on you?”

  Toni shook her head. “Forget it, Dylan. I’ll figure it out.” She stood up slowly, and curved her lips in an imitation of her usual easy grin. Her freckles looked dark as pepper scattered against her pale skin. “God, I feel sick. I just threw up.”

  “Maybe it’s the Schnapps?” If Toni was pregnant, she shouldn’t be drinking. I opened my mouth to say something, and then closed it again. There was no way Toni could have a baby. I couldn’t imagine it.

  “It’s not the Schnapps.” Toni crossed my room to peer into the mirror. “Dammit. Look at me, I’m a mess.” She spat on the corner of a fresh Kleenex and rubbed at the streaks of mascara on her face.

  I looked at her tummy, smooth and drum-taut above her low-rise jeans. A girl at our school got pregnant last year and decided to have the baby. We hadn’t been close friends, but still, it had been weird watching her belly swell up and listening to her chatter about baby showers and changing tables and strollers—like she’d crossed over some invisible line and become forever different from the rest of us. I couldn’t imagine that happening to Toni.

  “Are you going to tell your mom?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to if I don’t have an abortion.”

  “If you want me to go with you, like to a doctor or something…”

  She frowned. “My family doctor would tell my mom. They’ve known each other forever. I mean, he’s been my doctor since I was born. There’s no way I can tell him.”

  “So what are you going to do? You can’t just ignore it.”

  “I can’t do anything tonight anyway.” Toni tugged on her bangs to straighten them and made a disgusted face as they sprang back up again. “Come on. We’d better get back to the others.”

  Jessica, Ian and Jax had paused the movie and were playing a card game on the living-room table. Karma had disappeared to her room.

  Jax looked up. “What is it with girls always going to the washroom together?”

  I tried not to look at Toni. “Ha ha. How come you stopped the movie?”

  “Because we’re thoughtful and considerate. We didn’t want you to miss out.” Jax grinned at me.

  “Oh, listen to him. Someone wants to get laid.” Jessica laughed.

  Jax shrugged, still grinning. “I’m a guy, okay? What can I say?”

  Everyone laughed, but Toni’s laughter came a few seconds too late. “Think I need a refill,” she said, holding up her empty glass.

  I followed her into the kitchen and watched her pour a drink that was more Schnapps than orange juice. Toni wouldn’t like it, but I had to say something. I put my hand on her arm. “Toni. Look, if you really think you might have a…” I couldn’t say baby. I lowered my voice to a whisper. “If you aren’t going to have an abortion, then you shouldn’t be drinking.”

  “You can’t be serious.” She shook my arm off and looked at me, eyebrows raised. “I’ve got more immediate things to worry about than some hypothetical baby’s IQ.”

  “But it’s not hypothetical. I mean, if you have it, it’ll be a person.”

  Toni sat down on a kitchen stool and took a long drink, her eyes watching me over the rim of the glass. Finally she set the glass down. “You were pretty enthusiastic about me getting rid of it a few minutes ago. Abortion is okay, but I can’t have a drink? Jeez, that makes a lot of sense.”

  I struggled to think it through, my ideas fuzzy but nonetheless certain. “Look, Toni, I think it’s up to you whether you want to have this baby, okay? And to be honest I hope you decide not to. But if you do, you’re responsible for it, right? And you can’t go…” I gestured at the now half-empty glass. “You can’t go doing stuff that’ll mess the kid up.”

  Toni burst into tears. “I might not even be pregnant, okay. I don’t know.”

  “I’m sorry.” I sat there helplessly, wishing I’d just kept my mouth shut.

  “Just go,” Toni said. “Just go hang out with Jax and leave me alone.”

  I hesitated.

  “I mean it, Dylan. Go.”

  I hesitated a moment longer, not wanting to leave her. Finally I turned away and left Toni sitting there staring at her drink.

  Jax intercepted me at the kitchen door. “I was just coming to look for you.” He peeked past me into the kitchen and lowered his voice. “What’s up with her?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Yeah? How about you show me your room again? I was thinking about”—he made an exaggerated show of looking around—“doing some more weeding. You know. If the rain stops.”

  I glanced back at Toni, who was still sitting with her glass in her hand and face turned away from us. I wanted to go to her, but her shoulders were shaking, and I knew she wouldn’t want Jax to see her crying.
So, not knowing what else to do, I followed him down the hall to my room.

  TWenTY-TWO

  Jax and I smoked another joint out my window; then we lay side by side in my bed, kissing and making out. I didn’t know if it was the pot or if it was just me, but I felt disconnected from what was happening.

  I leaned my forehead against his and wished I could read his mind. Just for a few minutes. Just to know how he really felt about me.

  “Jax?”

  “Yeah?”

  “What are you thinking about?”

  He pulled back slightly and looked at me. “Nothing.”

  I rolled away from him and lay on my back, staring up at the ceiling. That night at the beach, when he’d talked about his family, I’d thought maybe we could be closer. Mostly though, he just kept pushing me away. Not physically, obviously, but when it came to getting to know him better. It was weird, to be touching like this and still feel so separate. Maybe he didn’t trust me. Or maybe he just didn’t think about things all the time, the way I did. Maybe he really was thinking nothing.

  I couldn’t imagine it. How does a person think nothing? I wanted to ask him. Can you really do it? Just switch off that stream of images and words and worries? It sounded like heaven to me.

  “Jax?”

  “Mmm hmm?”

  I kept looking at the ceiling. Still the same number of dead bugs in my lampshade. “How come you wanted to get to know me? I mean, you said you asked someone my name, after that first class we had together. Why did you?”

  He just laughed.

  I turned my face toward him. “Seriously. I want to know.”

  “Because you were the hottest girl in the class. So are you going to give me shit for being sexist or something?”

  I didn’t think it was sexist exactly, but it seemed kind of shallow. Which I knew was totally unfair of me. I’d been interested in him because of his looks too. Still, I was disappointed. I don’t know what I’d wanted him to say. “That’s it? Just because you thought I was hot?”

  “Mostly, yeah. Plus, I don’t know. You didn’t talk at all in class. I guess I thought you seemed sort of mysterious and sad or something.”

  “Probably just bored to death and trying to stay awake.” I suddenly felt depressed.

  Jax shifted his weight so he was laying half on top of me. He grinned at me and started to slide his hand under my shirt. His brown eyes were almost closed, his hand warm against my skin.

  I quickly put my hand on top of his, holding it steady against my ribs. “Can you feel my heart beating?”

  “Sure, I guess.” He tried to move his hand up higher, but I held it still.

  “Jax. If something happened…like if I got pregnant or something…could I, you know, count on you?”

  He laughed. “That’s not going to happen.”

  It wasn’t an answer. I opened my mouth to say so, but he leaned in to kiss me. I pulled away. “Toni thinks she’s pregnant.”

  “Seriously? Shit.”

  “Don’t tell anyone.” As soon as the words were out, I felt slightly sick. I shouldn’t have told him.

  “Shit. Finn must be shitting himself.”

  “He doesn’t know.”

  Jax sat up and looked at me. “You’re kidding.”

  “She doesn’t want him to know.” I propped myself up on my elbows.

  “Yeah, but he has a right to know, don’t you think? It’s his baby as much as hers.”

  “It’s her body though. And anyway, it’s not a baby yet. It’s just a few cells.”

  Jax shook his head, his jaw clenched tightly. “Don’t give me that crap.”

  I pulled my shirt back down, tucked it into my jeans and sat up. “Christ. You can’t be anti-choice.”

  “Don’t tell me what I can or can’t be.” His voice was stiff and cold.

  “Yeah, but come on, Jax. It’s pretty basic, right? I mean, it’s sort of a human-rights issue, you know?”

  “Exactly,” he said. “The baby should have some rights too.”

  “It’s a fetus,” I said. “Not a baby. It’s the size of a bean. Besides, what if I got pregnant? I couldn’t have a kid.”

  “I told you, that’s not going to happen.”

  When I was younger, Mom used to volunteer at an abortion clinic, helping women get past the protesters who marched back and forth out front. I’d gone with her a bunch of times and could still picture the red angry faces and the shouting and jostling. “Damn right it won’t,” I said, and my voice came out thick and choked with tears.

  We sat there in silence for a moment, the air too still and hot, the smell of pot smoke lingering, both sharp and sweet.

  Finally Jax sighed. “Don’t be like that. It’s just, you know, my mom could’ve just aborted me. I told you what happened. Most people would’ve—”

  “This isn’t about you.”

  Jax’s face tightened, his lips a thin hard line and a muscle twitching in his jaw. He stood up and walked out of my room without saying a word.

  TWenTY-THree

  I sat there, feeling stunned. What the hell had just happened? I kept replaying the conversation and trying to make sense of it. I wished I wasn’t stoned. My mind kept drifting and I couldn’t figure anything out. Eventually I wandered down the hall to Karma’s room.

  She looked up from her book, surprised and wary. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” I sat down beside her on the Little Mermaid comforter. She was too old for it really. Mom had bought it for her when she first came to live with us. “I just had a fight with Jax.”

  “Good.”

  “Good? I thought you wanted me to have a boyfriend.”

  She laid the book down on her pillow. Big Blue Book of Bicycle Repair. “Not him though.”

  “Why not?”

  She just shook her head and didn’t answer.

  I looked at her more closely. “Karma? Have you been crying?”

  Her shoulders hunched, and she turned away from me. I put a tentative hand on her bony back and wondered what to say. I couldn’t even remember the last time Karma cried. She was one of the toughest people I knew. “Karma…please tell me what’s wrong.”

  She pulled her knees up and pressed her face against them. After a few seconds she spoke in a muffled voice. “I know you guys were doing drugs.”

  I thought about denying it but decided not to. I hated it when people lied about stuff that was obvious. “Just smoking pot,” I said. “It’s no big deal.”

  “It is.”

  I couldn’t see her face, but I could feel her shoulders shaking. “Why are you so upset? Is it because Amanda’s away?”

  “No.” She turned back to look at me. The skin around her eyes was all red and puffy. “I told you why.”

  “Yeah, but come on…It’s not like we were shooting heroin.” I broke off abruptly. “God, Karma, I’m sorry. That was a dumb thing to say.”

  “It’s okay. I mean, I know my mom had a problem with drugs. I just don’t want you to…”

  “I wouldn’t. I mean, I hardly ever even smoke up.” I made a face that was supposed to be reassuring. “Honest. I don’t even like it much.”

  She nodded but didn’t say anything.

  “Look, if it would make you feel better, I won’t do it anymore. Okay? Really, Karma. I promise.” I looked at her anxiously. Toni and now Karma. Everyone was falling apart tonight.

  There was a crash in the kitchen, and I stood up reluctantly. “I’d better go see…”

  “Okay.”

  “Karma? I mean it. I won’t do it anymore.”

  She nodded. “Good.”

  In the kitchen, Toni was wiping up a puddle strewn with broken glass. “Sorry,” she muttered. “My fault. I just…” She gestured at the floor. “Dunno. Dropped my drink.”

  “It’s okay. I mean, the glasses aren’t anything special.” I sat down on the floor. “I think Jax and I just broke up.”

  “Seriously? You guys seemed fine an hour ago.”

  “I k
now. It was totally stupid. We got in this argument about abortion, if you can believe it.” I realized my mistake as soon as the words left my mouth.

  She rocked back on her heels and stared at me. “You told him. Oh. My. God. You told him, didn’t you?”

  Crap. “Toni. I didn’t mean to. It just sort of slipped out.”

  “That’s just great.” She tossed the cloth on the floor and stared at me, stony-eyed. “Just fucking great. Thanks so much, Dylan. So glad I can trust my best friend to keep a secret for a whole half hour.”

  “I’m really sorry.” I started to cry. “Toni…”

  “Forget it.” She walked away, back out to the living room. “I’m leaving.”

  I followed her. “Don’t go, Toni. Please.”

  She looked around the room. “I gotta go, guys.”

  “I’ll give you a ride,” Jax said.

  I looked at him. “You’re leaving too?”

  He didn’t meet my eyes. “I thought you’d want me to.”

  I didn’t know what I wanted. Everything was a huge mess. “Fine,” I said, feeling tired. “Go. Actually, maybe you’d better all just go.”

  They all gathered up their stuff and left, no one saying much at all. Toni barely looked at me. I wanted to tell her I was sorry that I’d told Jax her secret, but she didn’t give me a chance to say anything. Jax barely looked at me either. I waited until I heard the front door slam shut; then I walked downstairs to lock it behind them. Instead I found myself stepping outside onto the porch. I watched Jessica and Ian get in their car, and Jax get onto his bike. He handed Toni his spare helmet, the one I usually wore, and she stepped onto the bike behind him.

  Engines started up, headlights appeared in the dark street and seconds later they disappeared around the corner. I held on to the railing and leaned out, breathing in the night air and letting the rain fall on my face, cold and clean against my hot cheeks.

  TWenTY-Four

  When I finally crawled out of bed the next day, it was almost noon. It was barely even light in my room. Rain poured down, the wind howled and the sky was a dark, leaden gray. Last night came rushing back in all its stupid miserableness. I stared out the window. I was pretty sure that the thing with me and Jax was over. It felt like a failure and that bothered me a bit, but I didn’t feel devastated or crushed or any of the things other girls said they felt when they broke up with guys. Mostly what I felt was an odd sense of relief. Until I thought of Toni and our fight and what I had done. There was a sick, heavy feeling deep in my stomach.