Unbearable (the TORQUED trilogy Book 2)

by Shey Stahl

  “Wow, that’s a lot. Wait, he can’t have kids?”

  “It’s a long story but the short version is the medication he takes for his seizures caused him to be sterile. You’re right. It’s a lot and we’re a mess, so despite the fact that I want to be with him, I think we have a lot to work through before that happens. His greatest fear is that if we’re together and let’s say, ten years from now when I’m ready to start a family, then what?”

  “And how do you feel about that?”

  “There are other ways of making a family. I love him, and I know I can’t say how I’ll feel ten years from now about having a child of my own, but what I do know is I want to figure it out with him. I think it’s more important for us to remember that just because he can’t father the child, it doesn’t mean we can’t a family. There are so many options nowadays and there are plenty of kids in need of a home. Lenny’s proof of that.”

  Mom smiles at the mention of Lenny. She absolutely adores her, as we all do. “Yes, she is. Blood doesn’t make you family, bonds do.”

  She’s absolutely right on that. Friends are family too.

  When you think about it, our presence in the world is tiny compared to the reality of it. It’s our presence in the lives of others’ that makes the world what it is. Every word we say, every gesture we make, every detail connects you to the presence you make whether you know it or not.

  When bad things happen, there’s nothing you can do to change them or the circumstances you find yourself in.

  I think it’s about telling yourself no matter what, you’re going to be okay. You can prepare, sure, but there’s some things in life you can’t prepare for, or how you’ll feel when it happens.

  I’m used to being alone. I miss Raven and her constant laughter and the way she fills my apartment with her energy. Not having her here with me, my chest feels hollow and I don’t like the sensation or the fact that silence greets me so often.

  When you’re dependent on others because you had your brain operated on, it’s surprisingly difficult to do even the simplest of tasks. My memory isn’t the best either so while I intend on going to the kitchen, I’ll get there and forget why I went in there in the first place.

  One certainty at this point, not having a license is definitely for the better, because hell, I’d probably get where I was going and forget why I was headed there in the first place. I felt like my grandpa when he had a stroke and I was constantly driving to Portland or Seaside because he’d forget where he was going and I’d have to go get him and bring him back to Lebanon.

  Luckily for me, I live above the shop and people are constantly checking on me. Usually Lenny.

  So while I’m lying on the couch Monday morning, there’s a knock on my door.

  It takes me a couple minutes but when I open the door in just a pair of basketball shorts, I’m expecting it to be her.

  “Lenny, I told you I’m fine.” I look up; it’s not Lenny. It’s my mom. “Oh, what are you doing here?”

  She frowns, clearly upset with me. “You’re my son, Tyler. I gave you space in the hospital, but you’re going to talk to me now that you’re home.”

  I knew sooner or later my mom would show up and demand I talk to her. I’m actually surprised she waited this long. I figured when I bailed on Christmas with her and my dad she would have blown up on me. But she didn’t. She gave me time. I guess I should give her an opportunity, right?

  I scratch my shaved head, but I don’t say anything to her. I know I’m being a dick but damn it, I’m still pissed off.

  “That’s enough,” she says, pushing past me with a bag of groceries in her arms. She sets them on the counter and opens the fridge, probably realizing I didn’t need any of those because Raven took care of it. “You know, I get why you’re mad at me, Tyler.” Our eyes meet when I pause, just before sitting back down on the couch. “And I can’t tell you how sorry I am but I’m still your mother and I deserve some respect.”

  I sit down on the couch and push the play button to the movie I was watching, completely ignoring her. I want to punch myself for disrespecting my mother this way.

  Grabbing the remote from me, as if I’m a little boy, she turns off the movie. “You’re going to hear me out even if you don’t want to.” She sits across from me, right in the way of my movie. “When you were little, I didn’t care about what the side effects were because for the first time, you weren’t helpless and having seizures every day. Do you know what it’s like to not be able to leave your ten-year-old son alone because you’re afraid at any moment he can have a seizure and hurt himself?”

  I shake my head, because while I’ve been the one having them, I don’t know what it’s like for others who witness it, just like they don’t understand my side of this. All I know is the lack of control I have, the sense of being helpless. The vulnerability that controls my life.

  “When the doctors brought up the side effects of the medication, it wasn’t necessary to talk to you about it because you were so young. I don’t regret that. There was no need in telling a ten-year-old boy there was a possibility he might be sterile someday. All you needed to know was that for the first time in your life you had a chance to be normal. You had a chance to run and play just like every other ten-year-old. So your father and I, well,” she pauses and looks down at her hands, and then back up at me, “We just put it in the back of our minds. I think we both figured the time would present itself and we would tell you then. I know it’s no excuse and believe me, I truly regret not telling you sooner. But please understand your father and I never kept this from you in order to hurt you in any way. It was just the opposite actually. By the time you and Berkley finally got your heads out of your asses and decided to be serious, I was afraid. You were happy and it broke my heart that your father or I would have to be the ones to take a piece of that away from you. I understand it was a completely selfish act, but by not telling you, it protected us from having to be the person who hurt you.”

  I snort, crossing my arms over my chest like the defiant shit I’m being. “What did you think would happen? Were you going to wait until I got married and then say, well, by the way…?”

  “I didn’t say I didn’t make a mistake, Tyler. We love you. So much. I’m just saying we didn’t set out to hurt you and I’m sorry it happened this way. You’re the most important person in our lives and I hope eventually you can forgive us.”

  We stare at one another for a moment, probably longer than she wants and then she stands, knowing I’m probably not ready. And I’m not. I’m a big grudge holder and it’s going to take me a while to get over this. I try to put myself in her position if I had a son, but then that just upsets me too because that’s not going to happen for me. Regardless, she is my mother and I can’t treat her this way.

  When she’s at the door, I stand up and make the few steps to her. She’s crying now and embraces me, her arms around my waist, hugging me.

  “I love you, Mom.”

  She breaks down into sobs. “I love you, so much, Tyler.”

  “Would you like to have dinner next week? Me, Dad and you?”

  She’s shocked by my invitation, eyes wide and face flushing. “Yes, definitely. Just let us know when you feel up to it.”

  “Okay, I will. How about Wednesday night?”

  She steps out the door. “Sounds great.”

  I knew I needed to make an effort with my parents. I couldn’t keep holding it against them just because they were trying to protect me. They may have gone about it the wrong way but I know they love me and we need to move past this.

  KNOWING I SHOULDN’T, I make my way downstairs to check on the guys and see how work is going this afternoon. As soon as I step foot in the shop, Red gives me that disapproving look. I know it because I used to give it to him when he’d show up after he was shot.

  He glances up from the truck he’s replacing a head gasket on, reaching for the shop towel on the fender. “You’re supposed to be upstairs.”
r />   Sitting down on the stool next to his tool cart, I shrug. “I’m bored.”

  “I know that feeling.”

  My gaze sweeps over the shop at the cars on lifts, the sounds of air tools filling the metal building. Beside Lenny is a guy I’ve never seen before. He’s younger, probably Daniel’s age with blond hair he’s got tucked under a Walker Automotive hat. “Who’s the kid?” I ask, giving a nod behind him.

  “Wesley. He’s a friend of Jude’s. We hired him as a lube tech last week.” He knows by the look on my face what I’m thinking and he’s quick to add, “He’s not taking your job, man. He’s only changing oil.” Glancing over his shoulder, he sees him standing by Lenny as she changes brakes on an Explorer, flirting with her. Red looks over at me with an unamused expression. “He’s not going to last long if he doesn’t keep his eyes off my girl.”

  I’m only out there five minutes when Mia comes inside the shop, Nova at her feet. The bus just dropped her off and she still has her backpack on. Her brow scrunches when she sees me sitting beside her dad. “What happened to your hair, Uncle Ty?”

  I run my hand over my head. “I made a really bad decision and didn’t take my vitamins.”

  Knowing where I’m going with this, Red shakes his head, smiling.

  Nova’s eyes widen. “So they shaved your head?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Jesus Christ,” she mumbles, walking off toward the office.

  I burst out laughing, as does Red, knowing she shouldn’t say that but it’s funny anyway. “Nova, you can’t say that.”

  She says nothing to him and keeps walking. She probably thinks if she doesn’t respond, she can pretend she didn’t hear him.

  Colt makes his way over next with a beer in hand. “So next time you’re thinking about taking out a building, why don’t you swing by my house,” he suggests, smiling. “I got a fence I need to tear down and I’m just too fucking lazy to do it.”

  I chuckle. “I’ll keep it in mind, old man.”

  “Get back to work,” Red tells him.

  He raises his hands when Red pushes him away. “I’m just saying, if he’s going to run shit over, he’d be doing me a favor.”

  I’m glad someone finds entertainment in this. Leave it to Colt.

  Red points to the door when another car comes in and I’m staring at it. “Go upstairs.”

  I do as he says, mostly because I don’t want to do what he did and come back too soon and then have to take another week off. I have supplemental insurance that will pay for my time off but still, I can’t afford to take three weeks off work.

  All day I try not to think about Raven, but it’s hard. All I do is think about us and where our relationship currently stands. I know she said we’re good and basically together, but I finally understand why she wanted a definition with us before. It’s maddening not knowing.

  It’s around six and I’m contemplating fixing myself something to eat when I hear the front door open. The only people who have a key are Red and Raven.

  My heart lurches at the thought of seeing her. Gently I turn my head the direction of the door and sit up.

  I breathe a sigh of relief when she walks through and turns to close the door. Once she’s back facing me, I see she’s holding two bags from the Chinese restaurant up the street. “Don’t you dare get up, Tyler. Stay on the couch.”

  I do as she says because I want to watch her walk through the room and when she turns, I get a view of her ass. “You drove all the way back here from Eugene to bring me dinner?”

  “Well, yeah.” She looks at me quickly, and then away to the bags she sets on the coffee table in front of me, uneasiness masking her features. “Don’t make it sound like it’s that big of a deal. It’s really not.”

  I study her thoughtfully for a moment, desperately wanting that uneasy look she carries to disappear. “It’s kind of a big deal.”

  She reaches up and tugs at her hair, letting down her ponytail. Her hair spills down around her shoulders as she takes a seat beside me on the couch. “No, a big deal would have been me cooking for you.” She gives a dismissive flick of her hand at the boxes on the table. “I brought takeout. There’s a difference.”

  “Oh, well, in that case….” Pausing, I gaze at her speculatively. “It’s all good.”

  It’s then I notice she’s wearing a T-shirt and sweat pants and while they look good on her, I miss those shorts and tank tops she wore all summer long. I hate winter for this very reason. Less skin visible for me.

  “If you’re going to play nurse, dress the part.” And then I grab a fistful of her shirt and pull her on my lap. I shouldn’t be doing it, but as I’ve said before, I’m not good at following the rules.

  She steals a glance at my face when she’s on my lap and slides off to sit next to me. “Tyler, I don’t have a change of clothes with me. Don’t rip my shirt.”

  “Oh, man. That sucks for you. Guess you’ll have to play the part of the naughty naked nurse.”

  The corner of her lip curls into a grin. “You have a plan for everything, don’t you?”

  “If it means getting you naked then yes, I will always have a plan.”

  “Your plan is pushing boundaries,” she tells me, a warning clear in her voice.

  Playfully I hold my hands up and scoot away from her picking up a box of noodles and chopsticks. “I’ll stop.”

  We eat mostly in silence, though she asks if I stayed upstairs like I was supposed to today. I lie at first and then grin. “I got really bored and went downstairs. Red yelled at me.”

  “Well, good. You should rest and get better.”

  I can’t tell her that resting isn’t possible with the pent-up frustration I have. If only she could relieve some of it. “Should we watch a movie?” she asks, attempting to distract me from her body.

  I know what watching a movie is going to do. She’ll lie down and I’ll be thinking of all the ways I could cover my body with hers. Groaning, I sit back, running my hands over my face before dropping them on my lap. “Sure.”

  She scowls at me and the tone of my voice, unknowingly being completely fucking adorable with such a simple gesture. “Don’t sound so enthused.”

  “I don’t know how Red did this for so long. I’m fucking bored out of my mind. And horny.”

  Her cheeks flush. “Well, I can keep you company but we’re not having sex.”

  “When did the naughty nurse have so many rules? In my fantasy of what a naughty nurse would do for me, there were no rules… or clothes.” My hand moves to her thigh, higher, until she catches it.

  Laughing, she stands up, making her way over to the TV and the movies surrounding it. She doesn’t even look at the movie she puts in the DVD player and sits down next to me.

  I wait a few minutes before I ask, “Will you go somewhere with me?”

  There’s a heavy sigh, one that I swear comes from her feet. “Tyler, we agreed. No dating. And no, I’m not going to your bedroom with you either.”

  “Did we?” I scratch my jaw. “I don’t remember making any rules this time around. And how will this work if we don’t date?”

  Her eyes never leave my hands and I know what she’s thinking. She loves my hands and this is hard for her too. “We haven’t yet, but we will. And that includes no dinner dates. We’ll get to dating soon.”

  “That’s a dumb rule.” I point to the now empty containers of Chinese food. “We’re literally eating dinner right now.”

  “This is different. I brought this over and it’s takeout.”

  Her rules make no sense and I think she knows it, but I’m not going to pressure her right now. This is new and we’re still trying to figure out what it means. As much as I hated it at the time, I know why Raven pushed me away once I decided I wanted her too.

  Now she’s afraid if we give it a label, it will hurt worse if it doesn’t work. I don’t want that either but I’m going with whatever she wants this time.

  “Okay, so no going out to dinner?” I�
�m not liking these rules at all.

  She nods, twirling noodles around her chopsticks. “Precisely.”

  I frown and push the container away from me, leaning back. “I’m going to dinner with my parents Wednesday night.”

  Her face is expressionless when I say it, but her eyes give her away. “I’ll totally go with you for that. Where are we going?”

  “Valentino’s.”

  “My last class on Wednesday is at noon. I’ll come up after that.”

  My mind immediately focuses on the word come and she shakes her head when my eyes light up with amusement. Taking the pillow from beside her, she stuffs it between us. I don’t care. As long as she’s here with me, I’ll take it slow, even though I don’t want to.

  It’s something like ten minutes into the movie and I look over at Raven, my sexual frustration amplified as she walks around my apartment making herself at home and making popcorn. “Can I at least touch your boobs?”

  She shrugs and sits down with a bowl of popcorn in her lap. Taking my hand, she places it on her boob. “Hell, why not.”

  I take a handful of popcorn with my other hand. “This is the best movie ever.”

  She laughs. “Uh huh.”

  RAVEN DOES AS she says and comes by Wednesday night for dinner. She gets there about an hour before we’re supposed to meet my parents. I’m so completely bored that I’m ready when she arrives and sitting by the door like a kid dying to get out of the house on summer vacation.

  Downstairs cars are lined up in front of the shop as we come outside, evidence the shop is staying busy. It’s cold out tonight, a chill present in the air. Raven pulls the hood of her sweatshirt up over her head and I love that she’s not worried about messing up her hair. She’s comfortable in jeans and hoodies, much like myself.

  “Thanks for driving.” I tell her looking over at my truck parked in the corner of the lot that hasn’t been touched in nearly a month. It sits with the front end smashed, flat tires and a shattered window covered with a tarp. It’s totaled and waiting on the insurance company to settle on the payoff. At least I was smart enough to carry full coverage on it. Naturally, I was at fault and have to pay for not only the property damage I caused but the deductible on my insurance.