Finding Perfection

by Cassandra Giovanni

  “They both loved you more than anything in the world.” She stood, her cheeks flushed. “You keep winning, River, and you don’t even see it. You loved both of them, and they both loved you. You made your choice, and it was the wrong one. If you’d chosen Bobby, he’d still be alive.”

  I slowly shook my head. “I’ll take the blame for imploding my relationships with Bobby, Adam and even you, but I will never take the blame for Bobby’s death. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I’ve come to terms with that, and if you can’t, then we won’t get back to where we were. And if you keep blaming me, then you’ll never have Adam. He won’t stand for that.”

  She licked her lips. “Because he still loves you–“

  I cut her off, my voice hard. “And I still love him, but we’re not in love with each other. I’m not even convinced we ever were. You came to terms with Bobby loving me, why can’t you give Adam the same benefit?”

  Her gaze drifted to Adam’s purple bass, sitting on a stand in the corner of the room.”Because he won’t let me.”

  My eyes stayed on the guitar, my heart hammering in my chest. Memories and emotions rolled over me, ending with the way Adam reached for Tara’s hand on the table at the restaurant recently.

  “You’re blind,” I said, watching as she turned and sat back down. Her eyes finally met mine, and my voice cracked. “Adam has feelings for you, but there’s a roadblock that’s not me in the way. It’s Bobby, and he got over that with me. Bobby’s dead now, and you’d think that would make things easier, but it doesn’t. Adam has to figure out how to be comfortable with it…just like you do.”

  “Things can never be easy with the Beckerson’s, can it?” she asked.

  My shoulders lifted. “It makes them even easier to love.”

  Tara laughed, and there wasn’t any anger left in the sound. “Do you want a cookie? I put coconut in this batch.”

  “Coconut?” I asked, and she winked at me. “I love coconut.”

  “It’s possible I might have missed you a little bit, too,” she replied, standing. “Forgive me?”

  “Only if you talk to Adam about how you feel,” I said, following her into the kitchen.

  She held out the plate of cookies. “I don’t know if I can handle that quite yet.”

  “That’s alright; I’m not sure I can handle seeing you kiss him quite yet.” I took a cookie and locked eyes with her. “But that’s what you do for people you love. You handle shit you don’t think you can, and then you realize it’s all worth it if they’re happy.”

  “You think I can make Adam happy?” She looked down at the plate of cookies.

  “You already do.”

  Chapter 25

  Adam

  I ran my hand through my scruff again as I paced in front of the storage unit. Me and River’s past was crammed into the four hundred square feet within. I wasn’t sure if West was coming, and I wasn’t sure how he would react if he did. I’d kept everything down to the piece of paper that had been burning a hole in my pocket since I saw her again. My body relaxed as I saw River walking up alone, her hands shoved into the pockets of her winter jacket. It was one of those puffy ones, but it wasn’t too puffy, and it went down to her knees, a belt framing her thin waist. She raised an eyebrow at me as she came to a stop, her worn winter boots inches from mine.

  “I see you still haven’t mastered checking someone out without them knowing it,” she said, her pink lips lifting. My face burned, and she stepped forward, tapping my neck. “And your blush still starts at your neck and makes it’s way up.”

  I laughed, pulling away. “Thanks for pointing out I haven’t changed all that much.”

  River tilted her head. “I think you have.”

  “Yeah, not drinking,” I replied as I pulled the key from my pocket and headed to the lock.

  “That’s not what I meant,” she said as I opened the sliding door to reveal floor to ceiling boxes.

  I turned, putting my hands in my pockets. “It’s okay, Riv. I get it.”

  She shook her head, her gray eyes racing over my face. “It’s more than the not drinking. You’re going after what you want.” Her eyes moved past me to the boxes. “Well, for the most part.”

  “For the most part?”

  She raised an eyebrow at me as if I should know what she was talking about. My stomach twisted.

  Tara.

  I looked down and watched as her boots moved into the storage unit.

  “I can’t believe you kept it all,” she said as she traced her name on a box. Her eyes came up. “Why did you?”

  I froze, unblinking as I stared back at her. I couldn’t get the words to come out. West asked the same question, and it had been easier to answer. Now, the piece of paper seemed to be ripping me apart, making it hard to breathe. I finally managed to move, pulling my wallet out of my back pocket and opening it. I stared at the piece of paper, well worn from being in my wallet or being run through my fingers. I swallowed, my hand shaking as I handed it to her.

  River’s lips parted, the air in her lungs hissing out from them all at once. She paled as she stared at her writing.

  “I knew someday, no matter what, I was going to find you.” I gave a pained laugh. “Turned out you didn’t need me to find you. You needed West.”

  “Adam–” her gaze came up from the paper.

  I shook my head. “He’s perfect for you.”

  I watched as she swallowed hard. “Thank you.”

  “You’re the one who’s changed. You were always the strong one, but now…” There didn’t see to be any words to describe the woman she’d become without me. Without Bobby. “We were just holding you back– between our old grudges, and our stupid fight over you.”

  River’s hand went to her mouth, and she pressed her eyes shut. “I was holding you guys back, too.”

  I scoffed, shaking my head and stepping forward to pull her into my arms. “Never.”

  “We were all stuck,” she said, and I realized she was right. We were all stuck in our pasts, trying to make them our futures and trying to appease one another.

  “Maybe you’re right,” I said, pulling away and she quirked a brow at me. I laughed. “Okay, you’re right.”

  River stepped back and looked at the boxes. “I didn’t realize I had this much stuff.”

  I stepped forward and tapped on the four boxes. “It’s not that much, just these here. The rest is mine…” I nodded to the back corner where her mirror and a garment bag were. “Well, except for those back there.”

  River’s body tensed as her eyes landed on the blue bag. There was a small box that went with the dress, but it was in my duffle bag at Mark’s house. My jaw clenched as I thought of what it held.

  I had asked for Bobby’s help. I didn’t know anything about engagement rings, let alone what River would want in one. Bobby would know, though. I had thought he’d be livid I was even thinking about it, but he’d just nodded with his jaw clenched before clapping me on the back.

  “Sure, man. I’d love to,” Bobby had said, but his voice was hoarse.

  I’d asked him as my brother and River’s best friend, but I’d forgotten that he was in love with her as much as I was.

  “You sure?” I asked.

  Bobby plastered on a fake, goofy smile. “Yeah, when you want to go?”

  I looked down at my watch. “You have time now?”

  “Sure, why the hell not,” he replied, standing from the couch. “You have anything in mind?”

  I grabbed his jacket off the coat rack and tossed it to him before slipping mine on. “Diamonds?”

  “Ha.” Bobby shook his head.

  “What?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at him as he passed me, taking two stairs to my one. “Seriously, man. What?”

  He got to the bottom of the stairs and turned, his brows raised. “Diamonds, bro?”

  “Don’t all women love diamonds?” I asked, and he crossed his arms.

  “River isn’t like all women.”

 
I scratched the back of my head, nodding to the door. “Well, what do you suggest?”

  “Something with color. Riv doesn’t like diamonds. They’re just white and sparkly. She’s going to want color,” he replied as we reached his truck.

  Bobby climbed into the driver side and chuckled to himself as he watched me jump in. He was the freaking Jolly Green Giant. I was half-convinced he got the truck just to make me look like a miniature jackass.

  “What color?” I asked as I buckled in.

  He wiggled his eyebrows at me. “Blue.”

  “Like your eyes?” I looked at the ceiling.

  “Exactly,” he replied, his tone of voice showing his amusement at the annoyance in mine.

  When we walked in the jewelry store, Bobby zoned in on precisely what River would like, and I couldn’t deny the fact I thought he was right. It was an oval peacock sapphire, more karats than I thought I could afford, surrounded by small diamonds in rose gold. It ended up being more than just the karats; the whole sucker was way out of my price range.

  “It’s the one, man,” Bobby said, holding it up and watching it sparkle in the light. “It’s perfect.”

  I grit my teeth. “It’s also two grand more than I can afford.”

  “So, what did we decide?” the salesperson asked, coming back over. They’d left us alone to ‘talk it over’ since there was a security guard at the door who’d drop kick our asses if we tried to take off with it.

  “It’s gorgeous–” I began as Bobby handed it back to the salesperson.

  Bobby’s eyes remained locked on the ring as he cut me off. “It’s perfect, exactly what she’d want.”

  “It’s just–“

  Before I could finish, Bobby slipped the salesperson his credit card.

  “Hell no, man,” I said, and Bobby crossed his arms, looking down at me.

  “You pay me whatever you”re able to afford, and I’ve got the rest. Consider it an early wedding gift,” Bobby replied, and when I started to shake my head, he widened his eyes, stopping me with my mouth open. “She’s the one. She deserves that ring.”

  She’s the one. Bobby hadn’t meant for me, though. I’d seen it in the way his eyes darkened. He was helping me get the ring he would’ve gotten her if our circumstances were different. And now, she’d never have him or that ring, because she wasn’t the one for me, and I wasn’t the one for her.

  I cleared my throat. “You don’t have to take it if you don’t want. I know it has shitty memories tied to it.”

  What was. What would never be again.

  All reasons I’d almost torched the thing, but the memory of her in the dress smiling as she came out of the bathroom was enough to make me just shove it in this storage unit and forget about it. I wished Bobby could’ve seen her in it. He’d have loved it, just like I did, and that’s why it was in here, hidden in the dark. River stepped forward, walking towards it.

  “I’ll take it,” she said, more to herself than me before turning to the mirror I’d given her when she moved to the city. A soft smile came to her lips as she traced the frosted butterflies, and she looked over her shoulder at me. “I’ve missed this mirror.”

  “I’ve missed that smile,” I replied before I could stop myself.

  “Thank you,” she said, a shiver running over her as she turned to the garment bag. She lifted it and put it on her arm. “I’m glad you kept it.”

  She looked down to her hand, where the little piece of paper still was. “All of it.”

  Chapter 26

  River

  I hauled the few boxes Adam had of my stuff up into the condo and put them in the spare bedroom. I wasn’t sure what the contents were, but I figured they couldn’t have been anything I needed since I hadn’t seen them in over a year. I tapped my fingers against one of the boxes, my stomach clenching in unease. I didn’t need to see what was in them, but somehow I still found my hands opening the box. I shook my head as I looked at the books. They were classic volumes of Austen, Shakespeare, Bronte, Milton, and Chaucer. Bobby had bought them for me when we went out exploring in Cape Cod and found a used bookstore. They were all aged, worn from reading by others and myself, but still beautiful. I picked up Paradise Lost and ran my fingers over the etched leather cover. Bobby couldn’t understand why I loved the books so much, but he hadn’t hesitated to make a pile on the register as I stared at certain ones in awe, flipping through the worn pages to the date. The Austen novels were all printed in Great Britain, and I’d wondered out loud how they’d made their way here. Bobby had laughed, telling me it was undoubtedly with a hopeless romantic like me. I swallowed the lump in my throat before replacing the book and moving onto the next box.

  It was filled with clothes I’d left in my rush to leave. I moved to the next box; more books this time, but these were modern books. My eyes burned. They were the books I’d lost myself in the weeks after Bobby’s death and as Adam disappeared into the bottom of a bottle. I’d left them because they were a harsh reminder of how I managed to control my grief with words and all Adam did was drown his with booze. I closed my eyes before moving to the last box, and my hands shook as I pulled the tape free. Inside were photo albums. I ran my hands over the years on the side. Back when we were kids, I made them for everything. I licked my lips, my throat raw as I closed the box and then lifted the one filled with the books.

  I put it in the living room and went to make myself a cup of tea. As I placed the books neatly on the shelf next to the window, the ominous blue bag in the backseat of the car caught my eye. My pulse whooshed in my ears. I knew I should bring it inside, but I was too afraid I would open the damn thing. I took another sip of the tea before looking down at Sadie. Her siblings were at the tattoo shop, and she’d stayed home with me. She seemed perfectly content as she hopped up on the window sill to see what I was looking at. She huffed and then made her way back to her seat on the couch.

  It was just a dress. My chest filled with air as I grabbed my keys and headed down the steps. I threw the bag over my shoulder, the weight of the dress bearing down on me as I went to throw it in the spare room with the boxes.

  I should sell it. Or donate it. I was never going to wear it again.

  As I went to shut the door, a flicker of the stones on the dress shimmered where the zipper had come undone. I tilted my head back as my body chilled and then warmed, causing nausea to course through me. I pulled the little piece of paper out of my pocket and went to the dress, unzipping the bag.

  The rose gold dress shimmered against the setting sun cascading through the window, and I stepped back. It wasn’t wrinkled anymore. It looked exactly like it had before I put it on. It dipped in the back and the front, a plunging neckline that Tara had selected. I closed my eyes, the sapphire blue heels I’d worn with it flashing in my memory.

  I knew what I’d done with those. I’d tossed the shoes in the trash, never willing to wear them again. I should do the same thing with the dress, and definitely with the smooth piece of paper I had in my hand. I rubbed my face before depositing the letter at the bottom of the bag and going to zip it in.

  “Wow,” West said, and I jumped, my hands going to my chest as my heart pounded. “Where did you wear that?”

  Our eyes met, and I couldn’t hold his gaze. I turned and zipped it closed before opening the closet and hanging it there. My hand reached up to my neck and my fingers clasped around the angel wing necklace that I never took off.

  When I turned West was sitting on the top of the boxes, his jaw tensed.

  “Adam buy that dress for you?”

  I nodded, a sour taste filling my mouth. “It was going to be a special night.”

  West’s brows furrowed, and his green eyes flashed. “But?”

  “Bobby died.”

  He put his head in his hands before standing and pulling me into his arms.

  “I don’t know why he kept it,” I whispered into his chest, my voice cracking.

  West’s hands ran over my hair and down my back, p
ulling me in tighter. “Probably for the same reason you are.”

  “I’m sorry.” My chest tightened. “Are you mad?”

  West gave me a sad smile, his hand on my cheek. “I get it. Sometimes it’s easier to hold onto the things that are most painful.”

  He’d told me about the newspaper articles about the accident. I’d never gone looking for them, even though I knew where they were.

  “It’s hard to let go,” I finally replied, and his body tensed.

  “I know.”

  “I’m not talking about Adam. I’m just talking about…” My voice drifted because no matter what Adam was a part of it. “Everything.”

  West cleared his throat, nodding over his shoulder. “I thought we could go out to eat. We haven’t had a date night in a while.”

  “Sounds great,” I replied, leaning up on my toes to kiss him. His body remained tense, and my head pounded. He said he wasn’t angry, but his eyes were distant.

  Maybe he wasn’t mad, but it still bugged him. I followed him out, my eyes landing on Adam’s handwriting on the boxes as I closed the door behind me.

  I wasn’t sure I blamed him for that. It took me a long time to be okay with the tattoo across his chest, and Sophia wasn’t even alive. When I turned, West stood at the shelf by the window with Paradise Lost in his hands.

  “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven…” West said, his eyes on the pages in front of him. I knew from where he was in the book that it wasn’t a quote from the page, but something he knew by heart.

  “I hope that’s not how you feel,” I said as he placed the book back in its place on the shelf.

  “I read that book countless times after Sophia died. I remember thinking that if Satan believed he could truly make Hell into Heaven, that I could survive life without her,” he said, rubbing his hand over the tattoo on his chest.

  “Kind of a morbid book to read after all that,” I said as I stepped forward, picking up Emma. “I didn’t read any of them after Bobby died. He bought them for me, and I couldn’t even look at them. That’s how they ended up in the box. Adam didn’t put them there. I did. I read a lot, though…when I couldn’t sleep, and Jesse locked me out of my computer outside of work hours.”