Lost For You

by Jayne Frost

  “It’s freezing, babe.” Draping the coverlet over my shoulders, he took a seat beside me on the chaise lounge. “What are you doing out here without a robe?”

  His gaze shifted to Chase’s note. Prying the letter from its hiding place, his brow furrowed.

  “Unfuckingbelievable.” He released a short, irritated breath. “He was here?”

  Unable to meet his gaze, I stared at the shore and nodded.

  Please don’t ask … please don’t ask …

  “Did you sleep with him, T-Rex?”

  Throwing in my pet name was a nice touch.

  “Yes.”

  I waited for the fallout, but there was none. Instead, he pulled me to him and whispered, “Why?”

  There was too much hurt in his voice, so I took the easy way out, buying some time. “Why what?”

  “Why him?”

  “It’s not a competition, Becks.

  Resting his chin on my shoulder, he gazed at the ocean, caressing my stomach over the fabric of my T-shirt. “I love you, Taryn. So help me, I do.” Pausing for a moment, he continued in a deep, sorrowful tone. “We were happy once, remember? Won’t you at least try?”

  Morning sun danced off his thick, dark locks. And he looked seventeen. Or Eighteen. Twenty-four. Beckett would always look that age to me, I realized. Time stood still after the accident, when he started seeking the company of other women. I didn’t want to know that Beckett. But he was in there. The older version.

  I tucked a strand of his long hair behind his ear. “You’ve got a couple of grays popping out.”

  “Nobody stays young forever.” Gaze fixed on the water, his smile turned bitter. “Except …”

  Rhenn and Paige. Forever twenty-four.

  “Yeah, I know.”

  Reflexes took over, and I pulled away. I didn’t want to go there. To the place where the wounds were so deep, so raw, if you grazed them they would bleed.

  Beckett scooted to the head of the lounger. “So why did you let him …” Jaw clenched, he shook his head. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

  “I didn’t ask you to wait.”

  “You didn’t need to.”

  I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders to ward off the chill that swirled between us. “Have you forgotten how long I waited?” I asked. “Years. I’ve been waiting for you since …”

  We could run from it, but we always ended up in the same spot. That moment in time when everything changed. The tiny fissure I felt that day became a chasm we couldn’t breach.

  “It wasn’t all me, T-Rex.” Anger flashed in his eyes as he took a step into our past. “You booked the first tour. I asked you to go.”

  “You know I had to stay with Tori.”

  “I know that. But I was hurting too.” He looked down at his clasped hands. “I needed you.”

  “Yeah, I could tell.”

  He shuddered, the verbal blow rocking him in his seat. “I made a mistake.”

  “Once is a mistake, Beckett. I could forgive one mistake.” I sighed. “But after that—”

  “It was easier after the first time,” he admitted. “Everybody knew. Hell, you knew. And you forgave me.” I didn’t fail to notice a tiny bit of blame in his eyes. And I accepted it willingly. He was right. I’d prolonged the agony. “I never made you a promise I didn’t try to keep,” he said.

  Tears stung the back of my eyes, but I willed them away. “Don’t you see? You’re asking me to do it again. And nothing has changed, not really.”

  He pulled me forward, his fingers digging into my arms. “But it has. After Maddy …” He closed his eyes as her name slipped over his tongue. “After she moved in, I realized it was you I wanted. It was always you.”

  He was telling the truth. Finally. It didn’t change anything. But it was nice to know the depth of his feelings for me.

  “I believe you.” I smiled softly. “And I love you. I really do. But I’m not in love with you.”

  He pressed his forehead to mine, his cobalt eyes etched with pain. “Can’t I love you enough for the both of us?”

  “I tried that. It doesn’t work.”

  He gripped the back of my hair, and for a second I thought he would kiss me. Instead, he asked, “But you’re in love with Chase, aren’t you?”

  Yes. “It’s not that simple.”

  “He explained things, though, right? Y’all talked?”

  I cocked my head. Beckett knew something. Maybe he knew everything. Maybe it was only me that lived in the dark, blind to everyone’s faults.

  “Talk is overrated,” I said dully, recalling Chase’s face the day he said that very thing to me in his loft. “It doesn’t change things.”

  Beckett ripped a hand through his hair. “Not everyone is fucked up like me, T-Rex.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “If I thought there was a chance in hell for us, I’d kick Noble’s ass and take what’s mine.” He blew out a resigned breath. “But you’re not mine anymore, are you?”

  “I’ll always be yours.” My brow furrowed at the admission. “But not in that way.”

  He pulled me to him, stroking my back as I laid my head on his chest. “I guess that’ll have to be enough.”

  His heart beat steadily against my ear, providing the assurance no words could ever convey. What we had, it was real. So real, it evolved. Like our matching tattoos, there was no end for Beckett and me. We just completed the circle and wound up where we started. As friends.

  Friends at least …

  I took a deep breath as I looked out the black tinted windows. Two searchlights pierced the haze of smog, beckoning the army of limos snaking the winding driveway to Mac’s Beverly Hill’s mansion.

  I glanced at Beckett, thrumming his fingers on his bobbing leg. “Nervous?”

  He shook his head. “I just want to get this shit over with.”

  A stab of guilt shot through me.

  The launch party was meant to be the crowning jewel in the band’s history. A shining moment. But since I’d insisted on recutting most of the tracks on the album, and we came in six months behind schedule, a dark cloud hung over the event.

  Mac, the head of the label, insisted on using his personal home for the venue, and I capitulated in the interest of diplomacy.

  As the exhaust fumes penetrated the cabin, choking me in my seat, I questioned my decision.

  “I’m sorry, Becks.” I sighed. “I know this is all kinds of messed up. But we need Metro’s support. If I snubbed Mac’s invitation, we’d—”

  “Stop apologizing, babe.” He took my hand, entwining our fingers. “It’s not your fault. Metro’s not pissed because of the delay. They’re pissed because we’re leaving. That’s on Tori.” His lip curled inadvertently. “And Noble.”

  I nodded, marveling at Beckett’s loyalty. He obviously had reservations about leaving Metro and signing with Phoenix Souls, the fledgling label Tori formed with Chase. But he did it. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. All of the Big Three were jumping ship, following their leader, though it was yet to be announced in the press.

  “Chase is a brilliant musician,” I begrudgingly admitted, caressing my thumb over his to soften the blow. “You won’t regret it. I’ve heard some of the rough cuts he produced on the Caged project. They’re awesome.”

  Beckett ran an agitated hand over his scalp. “I said I’d give it a try,” he grumbled. “For Tori. But if Noble starts—”

  “He won’t.” I tried for a smile, but failed miserably. “What unites you is greater than what divides you.”

  Me. I was the divisor. And since I wasn’t in a relationship with Chase or Beckett, they’d work things out for the greater good.

  “Here we go,” Beckett said as the limo ground to a halt.

  As his manager, I waited for Beckett to forge ahead, claim the spotlight he so richly deserved. But like a hundred other times, as he stepped onto the curb, he reached for me. I slid my hand into his without hesitation. For tonight at least, I’d
play my role.

  Beckett’s girl.

  The flashbulbs popped as he pulled me onto the red carpet. “Smile pretty,” he whispered, brushing a kiss to my temple. “You look beautiful.”

  Becks, Taryn over here …

  Taryn turn this way.

  Beckett … where’s Maddy?

  A small tremor shook Beckett’s body, but the smile remained. “Fucking moron,” he grumbled, dropping his hand to the small of my back to guide me to the door.

  My steps faltered when I spotted Tori waiting at the end of the red carpet, her face an inscrutable mask.

  Beckett nudged me gently as we approached. “Play nice, T-Rex.”

  I shifted my gaze to Dylan, rooted to his spot beside Tori. I’m sure he’d issued a similar order. Tori’s lips curved into a smile, and six months of stilted conversations and awkward silence evaporated. Reaching for each other, we collided, arms wrapped in a tight embrace.

  “I missed you,” she breathed.

  I blinked hard as tears threatened to reduce my smoky eye makeup to sludge. “Me too, Belle.”

  I pulled away, and then Beckett slipped an arm around my shoulder, smiling softly at Tori.

  “Let’s rock this fucker,” he said, pulling me to his side. “One more for the road.”

  Chapter 42

  Chase

  I looked up from the makeshift desk in the deconstructed loft when Tori stepped off the elevator. Her heels clicked insistently against the subfloor as she stomped toward me.

  Retrofit the elevator so crazy people can’t enter at will.

  I jotted the idea on the punch out list of items to be completed before we opened our doors. Considering the studio was one level above where I slept, the notion entered my mind more than once. But seeing Tori standing twelve feet from me with murder in her amber eyes solidified it.

  “Come on in, Tori.” I sighed, throwing my pen on the blueprints. “No, the ‘by appointment only’ sign downstairs is not for everyone.”

  Her eyes flitted to Cameron and Logan, stretched out on the couch in the corner, working through some lyrics.

  “I assumed knocking was perfunctory,” she replied, her lip curling. “I didn’t expect you’d be getting busy with some chick in the studio since you fucked my best friend less than a week ago.”

  Two sets of boots hit the ground simultaneously. I hadn’t bothered to tell the guys about my epic fail with Taryn, but Tori had no problem putting me on blast.

  I went back to the plans. “I guess you and Taryn are on speaking terms again,” I said. “Good to know.”

  Closing the gap between us, Tori tapped her foot impatiently to get my attention.

  “Is there something else?” I muttered. “Something business related?”

  “Are you going to call her?” she persisted. “Or was that just another hit and run?”

  Tamping down my fury, I met her gaze. “That’s not what happened.”

  She dropped into a dust-covered folding chair. “Enlighten me, then.”

  Clasping her hands, she rested them on her lap. Her amber eyes pleaded, despite her confident posture.

  “Ask Taryn,” I said.

  “I’m asking you,” she responded through clenched teeth. “I heard the CliffsNotes version from Beckett at the launch party. You know, the one you didn’t attend.”

  “Shouldn’t you be worried about your own love life, Grayson?” Logan chimed in. “Where’s your six-foot shadow, by the way? In your purse?” He pushed to his feet. “No … that space is reserved for his balls.”

  “If you mean Dylan, he’s six three,” she retorted. “And if he hears you talking about his balls, he’ll kick your ass.”

  Logan’s eyes danced with amusement as he stalked across the room. “That’s cute, but … no. Your boy isn’t getting anywhere near my junk.” He puffed out his chest. “And I’m six four, so there’s no way he’s an inch shorter than me.”

  She raked him over with an annoyed glare. “I’m happy for you, jackass. Now go back and play with your friend. I’m talking to Chase.”

  Logan slid a hip onto the far side of my desk, grinning. “You kiss your sister with that mouth?”

  “With tongue,” she growled. “Now shut the hell up and let the grown-ups talk.”

  Logan’s mouth fell open and snapped closed just as quickly. I’d never seen him speechless.

  A satisfied smirk curved Tori’s lips, then she turned her white-hot gaze to me. “Well?” she demanded. “Are you going to tell me?”

  “Just drop it, Tori,” I said wearily.

  Cameron meandered over, staking a spot next to Logan while Tori took a calming breath. “Is this about your problem, Chase?”

  I had several problems. The construction project that was moving at a snail’s pace. The show my brother roped me into at Austin City Limits—in four fucking days, no less. Taryn’s radio silence. And, oh yeah, I was a drug addict.

  I actually smiled when I realized that was the least of my worries.

  “What problem would that be?” I asked coolly.

  “Are you on drugs, Chase?” she asked.

  “Hey!” Cameron snarled, his lip curling over his teeth like a junkyard dog. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about!”

  Reclining in my seat, I steepled my fingers. “Is that what Taryn told you?”

  “Fuck no,” she said with a wave of her hand. “I knew about the drugs a long time ago. I don’t go into business with someone without doing a complete background check. What I’m asking is if you’re on drugs now.”

  If I were on drugs now, I wouldn’t be at my fucking desk, pouring over blueprints for the studio. “You’re clueless, Tori.”

  She cocked her head and continued like she didn’t hear me. “It has to be drugs, because you’re not fucking stupid.” The smirk was back. “Or, are you?”

  “Tori …” Cameron warned.

  I’m sure this little ploy worked with most. But I wasn’t about to get pissed and give her any information. “Say what you’ve got to say. I’m busy.”

  She shrugged. “If you’d sleep with Taryn and then just leave her in California, with Beckett, you’re either high or dumb as a box of rocks.”

  Images of Taryn and Beckett popped into my mind. They weren’t sexual, which was worse. I pictured Taryn making Beckett breakfast in her terry cloth robe. I pictured Beckett bringing her lunch while she worked at her desk. When the little slide show morphed into him feeding her that lunch, I closed my eyes and banished the wretched thought.

  “I didn’t leave her, Tori. I …”

  Left her.

  Yeah, she told me she wasn’t ready, but usually that would only strengthen my resolve. The truth? I couldn’t sit around, eating my heart out, waiting for Taryn to decide if we were worth the trouble. It would hurt too much, and there was only one way to dull that kind of pain. Sadly, the price was too high. Any other price? I’d gladly pay … with interest.

  “If you didn’t leave her, then you must have been hiding under a table at the launch party,” Tori said sarcastically. “You can check the blogs for a blow by blow. There are plenty of pictures of Taryn on the red carpet. With Beckett.”

  Logan and Cameron stared at their boots. I wasn’t sure whether to thank them or throttle them for sparing me the details.

  “She’s free to date anyone she wants.” My hand shook slightly as I picked up the pen. “Just like me.”

  “You asshole!” Tori jumped to her feet. “It was a hit and run.”

  Spinning on her heel, she stomped toward the elevator.

  “It wasn’t,” I called after her. “I told her how I felt.” I love you … “She didn’t … she said she couldn’t do the long-distance thing.” When her footsteps went silent, I glanced over my shoulder. “I tried, Tori.”

  Her face crumbled. “Well, you didn’t try hard enough.”

  As I took in Tori’s defeated posture, I thought about the picture on her desk at Twin Souls. It was a school play or somet
hing. Tori was hogging the spotlight, standing between Taryn and Paige Dawson with a huge toothless grin. But she held their hands so tight, her knuckles were white. Now Paige was gone, and she had to live without Taryn as well.

  I smiled sadly. “I can’t exactly bring her back here by force.”

  Tori’s face contorted with greater anguish. “Why?”

  “Because it’s her time to shine. She won’t go back to Beckett.” God, don’t let her go back to Beckett. “She’s putting value on herself for once. I guess we don’t fit into that world right now.”

  Coming back to herself, Tori tugged the bottom of her blouse with determination. “I don’t accept that,” she said stubbornly. “Taryn is going to be here in a couple of days. I’ll talk to her, since you seem to be content with the status quo.”

  I wasn’t. But there was nothing I could do.

  Exasperated, I went back to my work. “You can’t order her, Tori. She’s not a blue-plate special.”

  “I guess we’ll have to see about that.”

  The industrial elevator clanged shut, and I took a peek at Logan, frozen in his spot, staring after her. He’d met his match in Tori Grayson.

  The two of them together could probably rule their little portion of the world. Or blow it apart entirely.

  Chapter 43

  Taryn

  Sweat dripped from my brow as I lugged my suitcase down the hallway. While most people went gaga over the California weather—if one more person told me it was a “dry heat” I was seriously going to smack someone—I loved the humidity here. From Beckett’s whining and groaning, he didn’t share my opinion.

  Cursing, he threw open the door to my loft. “It’s hot as balls in here,” he grumbled as he adjusted the thermostat. “The air conditioning isn’t even on. T-Rex, did you hear me? The air isn’t …”

  His focus shifted to an ornate planter on the breakfast bar. Star-shaped blooms in varying shades of blue tilted toward the window. I’d never seen flowers so beautiful.

  “Who are they from?” he asked.

  Standing behind me, his chest brushed my back as I gingerly plucked the note from under a gray stone. Gazing at Chase’s familiar scrawl, I turned the rock over in my palm, my thumb tracing the jagged edges.