What was I afraid of?
Why was I intent on pretending I wasn’t interested in her?
Why was I hiding from the truth?
That’s not an easy question for me to answer. I guess the truth lies in a lot of places. For one thing, I’d grown up so close to Lacey that it was difficult to admit to myself that I was romantically in love with her. For another thing, I was proud, and I’d told her I wasn’t interested in a serious relationship with any woman. I didn’t want to go back on my word. Finally, I was afraid of screwing it up. What if we started a relationship, and then she realized I wasn’t the guy for her? What if she decided I wasn’t good enough? How would I ever be able to live with that?
I know it sounds stupid, or petty, but this was my life, and it was one-hundred-percent critical to me. Put yourself in my shoes. Has there ever been anyone in your life that you were so in love with, that it literally terrified you? I was so terrified of losing her love that I had to pretend it wasn’t even a possibility.
Doesn’t make sense, does it? Well that’s life. There’s a lot of things men do that don’t make sense. Just look at football. The whole game doesn’t make sense, and yet we watch game after game of the strongest athletes in the country crashing into each other at full speed.
We like disaster and chaos just as much as we like order and peace. Don’t ever forget that. There’s something very comforting for men in chaos. In chaos, everything goes to shit. And if everything goes to shit, then there’s no one to blame. It wasn’t your fault. That’s the mode I was in with Lacey. If I drove her away, if I forced myself not to give her any warmth, then disaster would follow. She’d be with Rob. That was the worst thing that could happen. And if the worst thing happens, nothing worse can happen. And there’s a comfort in that. It may be a hollow, worthless comfort, but it’s a comfort all the same, and I know women won’t understand it. But it’s the truth.
It eats at you. It sure ate at me. I knew it wasn’t right. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I’d lie down at night on my bed, and the last thing on my mind was Lacey. I’d wake up in the morning, and she was my first thought. I’d watch her around the mansion. It was like the old days when she was in high school. I’ll even admit that I went back up to the loft in the barn and I took down the envelope of her pictures, and I jerked off, fantasizing about the sex we’d had up there.
What I wouldn’t do to have that back.
But the more I wanted her, the more I obsessed, the further I drove her away. Just two weeks had passed since the night of the dinner party with Rob, and she was closer to him than ever. They were virtually inseparable.
One evening, I was in the barn, checking on the horses. Often, Lacey or Jackson would feed them, but I still liked to check on them most nights when I had the time. After I’d done my rounds I decided to go up to the loft and look at my old photos of Lacey. It was hopeless, but I couldn’t stop looking at them.
I climbed the ladder and breathed in deeply the scent of dust and dry hay. The sun was setting in the west and the light flooded in through the window. I grabbed my envelope and the hip flask and took a swig of the whiskey.
Then I sat down on the hay and flicked through the few photos. Such a beautiful girl, and she’d grown into an even more beautiful woman. She was one of those people who grew more and more beautiful as she aged. She was like a work of art, always in progress, always reaching closer and closer toward perfection. That’s why it baffled me that Rob wanted her to go through all those ridiculous cosmetic procedures. He didn’t know what he had.
But could I blame him? I’d had her too, or I’d almost had her, and I didn’t appreciate it either.
As I looked at those old photos, their corners worn from my fingers touching them, I decided that I would do something about it. I didn’t have to watch that guy steal her away from me. She didn’t know it yet, hell, I didn’t even know it, but she was my woman. She’d always been my woman. I just had to tell her.
There was already an old letter in the envelope and for the first time in years I read the words. It was silly. I’d written it back during my first week at the mansion, seventeen years ago, when I was just a kid. I’d have been in prison if it wasn’t for Lacey’s father, so don’t judge the style of the letter. It’s who I was back then.
This is what it said.
Lacey,
You barely know me, but please listen to me. I know this sounds crazy, and that there’s no way I could possibly know this yet, but I’m the man for you. God made one man for you, and I’m him. I’m your one and only. It’s the truth. Don’t ask how I know it. I just do. The first night I got here, I saw you coming down the stairs, and it was like I was looking at an angel coming down from heaven. I always knew I’d meet an angel some day. The priest said, when my parents died, that an angel watched over us all. I didn’t believe him at the time, but when I saw you his words finally made sense to me. You’re my angel Lacey, and I’m going to make you mine. I swear it. I’m going to take you, like a swooping eagle takes a fish from a mountain lake. There’s nothing you can do about it. You’ve always been mine, and you always will be, no matter what.
Forever yours,
Grant Lucas
I felt strangely emotional as I read the words. I was a different person back then, just a kid, a criminal, and everything about me has changed in the years since. Except for this one thing. I was still in love with Lacey. She was still my girl, my angel. I knew it then, and I knew it now. I hadn’t given her the letter back then, when she was just seventeen, but I should have.
I didn’t have to make the same mistake now. I loved her. I loved her with a raging, burning fire that no amount of time would quench. If I didn’t tell her now, I’d lose her forever.
There were some blank pages and the old pencil I’d used years ago, and I started writing. I laughed. My handwriting hadn’t changed a bit. The letter I was writing now was almost identical in every way to the letter I’d written then. Even the words were similar. The love was the same too.
Lacey,
I should have said these words to you years ago. I’ve been a fool. I know it. Please forgive me. I’ve always loved you. It wasn’t just a crush back then when we were kids. It was the real thing, and it’s still the real thing. The night we were together at Faith and Jackson’s wedding, was the best night of my life. I can’t even describe what I feel about it. It felt so right, like our destiny. I know we’re meant to be together, and I’m not going to let anything get in the way anymore.
Be mine, Lacey. Forget everything else, forget all the mistakes I’ve made, forget what an idiot I’ve been, and give yourself, body and soul, to me. I promise I’ll take care of you and honor you.
Let me make you my wife. Let me make you the mother of my children. I beg you. I want everything you have to offer, Lacey. All the joy and love in your heart, I want it to be mine and no one else’s.
Be my bride, and the mother of my children, and I’ll never be so stupid as to let you out of my grasp again.
Forever yours.
Grant Lucas
Chapter 25
Grant
I WAS ABOUT TO CLIMB down the ladder. I was going to give Lacey the letter and let her make up her own mind. If she wasn’t interested, that would be her choice. At least I’d have told her how I felt. I folded the letter neatly and put it in my back pocket. Then I put the pencil and envelope back on the beam above me and reached for the ladder.
I hesitated a moment at the top of the ladder. It was a perfect evening. The air was still, the evening sky a deep crimson. It was a momentous night. The night I would finally tell Lacey that I loved her.
And then I heard someone at the doors of the barn. I was about to call out, I figured it was Jackson coming to check on the horses, but it wasn’t. It was Lacey, and she was with Rob.
What was she doing, bringing him there, to my place? To our place? The place we’d been intimate together?
I know I should have called out, I s
hould have said something, but I was too taken by surprise.
“Lacey,” Rob said, “there’s something I need to say to you.”
Immediately, I knew it was going to be something important. The tone in his voice, the mood in the barn, he was going to say something that I didn’t want to overhear. But there was nothing I could do. I took my hand off the ladder and stepped back into the loft.
“What is it, Rob?”
“I want to ask you something very important.”
“You can ask me anything,” Lacey said.
I was shaking my head. I thought about climbing out the window but it was more likely they’d hear me if I moved. The only thing to do was wait it out.
“What are your feelings on marriage?” Rob said.
My breath caught in my throat. What was I about to overhear?
“I love marriage,” Lacey said. “You know that.”
“Well, we haven’t talked about it much.”
“Because we’ve only been going out for a few weeks,” Lacey said. “From what I’ve seen, marriage is the last thing guys want to talk about.”
“Not me,” Rob said.
“You mean, you like talking about marriage?”
“It’s something I’ve been meaning to take care of.”
“Take care of?”
“Well,” Rob said, “my business is doing well. I’m becoming a more important person in certain social circles in the city. I can’t be a bachelor forever.”
“I see,” Lacey said.
“There comes a point,” Rob continued, “where I realize that being married would probably be more of an advantage to my career than being single.”
“An advantage to your career?”
“You know how it is. My clients are married women. The men who send them to me would probably prefer it if I was tied down. It would make my business seem more stable.”
Lacey said nothing. I was standing at the far end of the loft, where I couldn’t be seen. For some reason, beads of sweat were dripping from my forehead. I felt as if I was witnessing a crime. Not only was Rob proposing to the woman I loved with all my heart, the woman I was about to give a letter to confessing my love, but he was also doing it in the least romantic way possible. I mean, I’m no expert, I’d let Lacey down and I knew it, but Rob wasn’t even telling her he loved her. He wasn’t giving her anything near to the proposal she deserved. He was making it sound like a business proposition, like it was something that would be useful for his public image. I felt like punching him out, just for messing up his proposal.
It made me realize just how badly I’d screwed up by not committing to Lacey when I had the chance. I was mad at Rob for letting her down, but when I thought about it, I’d let her down just as badly. She’d been ready to start a relationship with me. I knew it. But I’d been too concerned about my own shit to do what I should have done.
“Rob,” Lacey said, “are you saying that you want to marry me?”
Rob cleared his throat. “Well, I mean, I’m just saying, it would be a good career move for me right now.”
Lacey’s voice sounded uncertain. “So, this is a proposal?”
“If that’s what you want to call it,” Rob said.
There was something strange in Lacey’s voice. I don’t know if she was happy or sad, but there was definitely a lot of emotion in her voice, and she was struggling to contain it. I could always tell when she was emotional, I just couldn’t always tell what it meant.
“Then, I guess I accept, Rob.”
“Really?”
“You know it’s my dream to settle down with a good man, a man who loves me. I want to create a real, meaningful life. A life full of love and laughter, and hopefully, a life full of happy little children too.”
“Well, let’s not get carried away just yet. I don’t want to make a big deal over it.”
“But it is a big deal.”
“Not for me, it isn’t,” Rob said. “It’s just my next move.”
Lacey’s voice caught in her throat. “It’s a big deal for me, Rob.”
“Come on,” Rob said. “Let’s go back into the house. I’m not in the mood for a big emotional display.”
They left the barn. I didn’t know what to think. I reached behind my back and took the letter I’d written from my pocket. Just one more letter I’d written for Lacey that would never be delivered. I moved mechanically, pulling the envelope down from the beam and slipping the new letter into it. Then I put it back up on the beam, grabbed the whiskey, and drained the bottle.
Chapter 26
Lacey
SOMETIMES, THINGS DON’T TURN OUT the way you always planned. That’s life. That’s part of what being an adult is all about. You have these silly dreams when you’re a little girl, you believe in unicorns and princes and dreams coming true. Then, when you grow older, you realize that the world isn’t really like that. You don’t get everything you always dreamt of. You don’t get fantasies and fairy tales. You get reality. And while reality doesn’t always measure up to the ideas you have in your imagination, it does have one advantage. It’s practical. And that’s something you can depend on.
I didn’t want to spend my life alone. I didn’t want to waste it, waiting for someone else to take the steps that they clearly didn’t want to take. That would be a mistake. I had strong feelings for Grant, I knew that, but Grant was my family. It was normal to have strong feelings for someone you’d practically grown up with. It didn’t mean I had to spend my whole life hoping he’d propose to me. Grant had made it very clear that he didn’t believe in marriage. He especially made it clear that he didn’t believe in marrying me. Maybe one day he’d find some lucky woman who’d make him feel differently, but I didn’t want to be still hanging around, waiting for him, when that day came.
If I married Rob, if I created a good life and a beautiful, loving family with Rob, then when Grant finally decided to get married, I’d be able to feel happiness for him. Because my life wouldn’t be empty and lonely. If I gave up this opportunity to be with Rob, and then Grant ended up marrying someone else, it would be unbearable.
I couldn’t afford to be a fool. I couldn’t afford to live my life in a fantasy. Grant didn’t want me. Rob did.
Was I in love with Rob? That’s the question I kept asking myself.
But how could I answer it? I know I didn’t feel for him the way I felt for Grant. Grant was ingrained into the very core of my being. He lived in my heart. The first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning was Grant. The last thing I thought about when I lay down in bed was Grant. Grant was my family, my foundation, without him in my life I didn’t even know how I’d be able to continue living.
My relationship with Rob was different. It was very different. Rob didn’t make me feel safe the way Grant did. He didn’t make my heart pound. He didn’t even make me feel beautiful. He still pressured me and dropped hints about the things I could do to improve my appearance.
He was often in a bad mood. I tried to be understanding of that. He worked long hours, in a highly competitive industry, and the stresses on him were immense. I’d remind myself of those things when Rob was irritable, or when he snapped at me, or when he was dismissive. It didn’t help when he came home late from work, or said he didn’t have the time to see me, but wouldn’t tell me where he was going or who he was with. Things were far from perfect with Rob. Part of it was his high-stress job, but then I’d think about Grant’s job. Still, always comparing everything to Grant. Grant stole millions of dollars from huge corporations with world-class security installations. There was a constant threat of violence and injury at Grant’s job. But he was nothing but pleasant and polite and considerate, ninety-nine percent of the time. I mean, I’d had my fights with Grant, but they were never because he was just in a shitty mood. They were about real things. Grant was calm and steady, I could count on him. Rob just got pissy sometimes.
I’ll also admit I had fears about Rob’s fidelity. As stupid as I m
ight seem for accepting his proposal, I’m not a total idiot. I knew he was surrounded by beautiful women at work. I knew he’d slept with most of them. I also knew he was capable of lies and deception. On more than one occasion I’d caught him in a lie. He wasn’t lying to me, he was lying to other people, but I was smart enough to realize that if he could lie to others, he could lie to me too.
And there was also the constant, niggling fear in the back of my mind that Rob didn’t really love me. It was just something that I couldn’t make go away. The way he wanted me to have surgery, the way he point-blank refused to ever tell me I was beautiful or make me feel good about myself, the way he virtually never expressed any kind of sexual or physical interest in my body.
Was I fooling myself? Was I making a big mistake? Was I setting myself up for disaster?
Maybe, but let me put it this way, woman to woman. If you were in my position, and a handsome, successful surgeon proposed to you, and you had no other offers, and you were lonely and afraid of getting old alone, would you have said no? Maybe you would have. That would make you a much stronger woman than I was.
There are a lot of women in the world stronger than me, and they’d have stood up for themselves and what they felt they deserved from life. They’d have demanded more passion, more love, more tenderness, from the man who wanted to call himself their husband. They’d refuse to let the fear of being alone completely cloud their judgement.
But what can I say? My last boyfriend cheated on me. In fact, my last three boyfriends cheated on me. Have you ever been cheated on? It makes you doubt yourself. It makes you scared that you’re not good enough to have a guy who’s willing to commit to you one-hundred-percent.
I know this is going to sound twisted, but I almost blamed myself for being cheated on. I mean, when the first guy cheated on me, I blamed him. By the time Matt cheated on me though, I was starting to wonder if it was something I was doing wrong. I know that’s crazy, but those are the fears that ran through my mind every single day.
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