Stepbrother Confession

by Stephanie Brother

  I watched my fiance as he walked first back and forth and then in circles, head down, free hand occasionally waving in the air. I couldn't hear what he was saying but it seemed important.

  Of course it's important, I scolded myself, he wouldn't be taking calls at the funeral if it wasn't important.

  The last guest had signed the book and taken a seat. The organ started to play. It was time to go inside and take my seat. I looked around the grounds one last time, trying to convince myself I was just making sure everyone had come inside. I wasn't looking for Erik. Really, I wasn't.

  I waved at Richard to let him know we were beginning. He looked up at me and held up his hand with two fingers extended. Two minutes. He'd just be a couple more minutes. I nodded and went inside as the ushers closed the big doors behind me.

  I took my seat in the first row and numbly went through the steps of the service. First a song, then a prayer, then the minister began talking about Mom and Dad. I listened to him give his eulogy from the index cards full of information I'd provided at our consultation.

  Mom and Dad were still members of the church but they hadn't been active in years. They were still friends with a few members of the congregation, but the minister that had known them had retired a few years earlier. I absently flipped through the program and thought how Reverend Lyons sounded so sincere even though he'd never met my parents.

  I heard the doors open behind me and I turned to look, but it was just Richard. He came and took a seat next to me and I reached for his hand.

  I wondered if Erik had gotten my messages? Maybe one of his friends from town had been able to contact him. Certainly, someone still knew how to get ahold of him. He must know about the accident by now.

  What if he doesn't? What if he's out there somewhere, riding his bike in South America and he doesn't have cell phone reception or internet access and he still doesn't know? Or what if he's still staying away because of me?

  I sat in the pew and worried to myself while the service droned on around me. Erik had had a good relationship with our parents. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't come to their funeral. Even if he didn't want to see me. He wouldn't miss his chance to say good bye to Mom and Dad.

  When the service was over, I stood beside Richard in a daze while teary-eyed friends and family filed out of the chapel into the reception hall across the courtyard. As I began the walk up the aisle toward the door I saw him. Sitting in the far back, staring absently into space, clean cut in a dark suit and tie. I'd never seen my step brother in a suit before, his long hair was cut short into a style that made him look disturbingly grown up, but it was him. I didn't know if I should run to hug him or not.

  As Richard and I got closer, Erik's eyes refocused and followed our progress toward him. He finally stood to face us.

  "You made it." It was a weak statement of the obvious but I didn't know what else to open with.

  "Yeah. Sorry about not getting back to you, sis." The tone of his voice was comforting and familiar but it sounded tight and it seemed clear that falling into his arms would be awkward. So I held a polite distance and resisted my urge to wrap my arms around my brother and hold him out of a combination of relief that he was here, grief for our shared loss, and joy at seeing him again.

  His eyes were fixed on Richard and it suddenly dawned on me that Erik didn't even know I was engaged and Richard had never seen Erik.

  "Oh!" I turned first to Richard, "Honey, this is my brother, Erik."

  Then I looked up at Erik in time to catch a fleeting expression of shock and-- was I imagining it?-- disappointment, "Erik, this is my fiance, Richard."

  The men shook hands and made small talk as we made our way to the reception and Erik and I were soon caught up in the tedious task of greeting everyone, fielding their questions, and playing catch up with the people who had lost contact with us along the way.

  I saw Richard go into the reception hall and then lost track of him in the sea of faces. A few moments later, Erik and I found ourselves alone in the church court yard, facing eachother for the first time in nearly 6 years.

  He had filled out since I last saw him. Aside from the new grown up hair style and the suit, he was also broader in the shoulders, the well tailored jacket couldn't hide the chiseled physique or the muscled chest under the button down shirt. The belted waist of his pants drew attention to a flat stomach and hints of powerful thighs moving just beneath the perfectly pressed fabric were revealed whenever he moved.

  I had spent the last 6 years convincing myself that I had been a silly teenager with a crush on a forbidden boy, trying to wash away the fantasies of Erik that had fueled my adolescent masturbatory sessions. I had told myself numerous times that I didn't still think of him that way, he was my brother, and that if I ever had the chance to see him again I would apologize to him for ruining our relationship and hopefully we would be able to put that stupid, awkward night behind us, brushing it off as just a drunken impulse.

  I was a grown woman now, with a college education and a good job. I was engaged to an upwardly mobile local politician. I was headed for a solid future as a responsible adult. I would be able to assure my stepbrother that we could resume our relationship as nothing more than brother and sister and he wouldn't have to worry about me crossing the line again.

  As I stood there in the little yard, next to the rose bushes blooming reds and pinks and yellows and whites, looking at the man my brother had become I caught myself taking it all back. The sight of him made me weak in the knees. My heart beat like a set of wild war drums in my chest. Butterflies filled my stomach as they were disturbed from their 6 year slumber.

  Any notions that I would be able to have Erik back in my life and not think of him as anything more than my brother were forgotten in a heartbeat. Given a chance, I would gamble everything to be with him.

  I swallowed hard as the realization came crashing through my brain like a wave. I might have had to admit it to myself, but I didn't have to act on it. I knew he didn't share my feelings and I needed him in my life again. I would just have to keep it to myself. I couldn't let him know.

  "Engaged, huh?" His voice sounded like music. I hadn't heard it in so long. The deep tone washed over me and propelled me back to all those nights we spent together in the shop working on his bike as he talked for hours about his plans for the future.

  A future that was here now. A little bit of the surreal curtain that I'd been watching the world through for the last few weeks lifted and I realized I didn't know anything about who my brother had grown up to be. Why was he wearing a suit? Not just some borrowed jacket and tie, this looked expensive. It was tailored to him. The fabric was supple and moved with his body, following his movements perfectly. Why did my brother even own a suit?

  "Yeah." I was happy for the chance to talk about something, "Richard and I met when I was in grad school." I looked down at my hands as I picked at a pesky little hangnail. The hangnail wouldn't be there at all if I didn't pick at my fingers when I was nervous, but it gave me something to focus on so I wouldn't stare at him. "He's a county supervisor." I looked up and smiled proudly, "He's running for state assembly right now so he's, uhhh, really busy." I felt my lower lip jut out. I didn't meant to pout like a child, but Richard's career had meant that he missed out on much of my own life. He worked late, he spent a lot of time out of town, I was very proud of him-- or was I proud that I was marrying someone important? I wasn't sure anymore.

  The funeral planning had been hard on me. Richard hadn't been there to help or offer emotional support through the death of my parents or the funeral planning. Honestly, I was a little surprised he had made it to the funeral at all and even now, he had disappeared somewhere. I last saw him walking out to the far corner of the parking lot with a sandwich in one hand and his cell phone in the other.

  Erik looked at me hard for a moment as though he were carefully considering everything I was telling him about Richard and my new, grown up, life. I told him about the ne
w house, and my job, and Richard and my plans for the future.

  I took a deep breath and decided it was his turn, "So. What the hell happened to you?" I nodded toward the suit with a raised eyebrow.

  Erik laughed. A deep, rich sound that I missed. "Well I rode that Honda all over the goddamn country for starters. Met a girl a few years back, thought about getting married myself." He watched me carefully when he said it, as though he was gauging my reaction. I tried to act nonchalant. I did my best not to show jealousy. It's OK if he gets married. It's OK if he meets a girl. He's just my brother.

  When I didn't say anything he went on, "That didn't work out." He said it quietly as he began closing the short distance between us until he was standing directly in front of me, looking down at me. His expression soft and caring, "I missed you."

  I couldn't tell if it was the beginning of a new thought or the tail end of the old one. Did he mean it didn't work out because he missed me? The butterflies flew high in my chest and a feeling of hope materialized in my gut. I pushed it away. I was acting stupid. Like that tipsy little girl that had that had gone too far and scared him away all those years ago. I couldn't let him think I still wanted him like that. No more crossing the line. He's just my brother.

  Erik stared down at me for a moment before taking a deep breath and taking a step away again, "I ran out of money." He laughed as he said it, I expected him to finish the sentence with a big fat "duh" but instead he explained that he had ended up getting a job in a small shop somewhere in Alaska. Something and something and... wait. I lost track of what he'd been saying. I'd been watching the way the muscles in his back moved under the soft fabric of the suit jacket as he paced the small garden. I could swear he just said "Billionaire."

  I looked up at him, my head tilted to one side like a parakeet, "Say again?" I asked.

  He stopped his nervous pacing and held me in his gaze. "He left it all to me." He said it with a matter of fact tone. "All of it. Not just the shop, the planes, the hangars, the land.

  "Everyone knew he owned the airport up there, but he also owned a couple sections of land in North Dakota. I got that too. He didn't have kids, his wife had passed away several years before I even met him. He left everything to me. No one knew what it was worth."

  It started to sink in. My brother had inherited a small Alaskan airport and air taxi service. Sounded exactly like the sort of thing Erik would get into but he had said "billionaire." That's a lot of money. A collection of small planes doesn't usually appraise that high.

  "OK." He smiled, "maybe not quite billionaire, but it's likely that I will be within 5 years if the natural gas boom continues the way it's been going."

  Suddenly the familiar voice of my long lost brother gave way to number crunching businessman. Now the suit started to make sense, it fit with this new side of my stepbrother I was seeing as Erik went on to explain that some of the property that he'd inherited had been found to be rich in natural gas deposits. Leases had been set up with mineral companies and his new property currently contained several wells that were bringing in hundreds of thousands of dollars a month.

  My mind swam as I tried to comprehend the numbers he was discussing with ease. Obscenely rich looked good on my brother but I missed the long haired renegade with the motorcycle.

  Deep down, I knew it didn't matter. Erik was still the only man I'd ever truly wanted and now that he was back, I wondered how long I would be able to hide my feelings for him.

  ***

  Erik had been in town for 2 weeks. He had considered staying at Mom and Dad's but found it brought back too many memories so he'd taken up residence at a local hotel.

  Richard continued his regular treks back and forth to the capital and I tried to balance work with settling my parents' estate and the emotional turmoil of catching up with my long lost step brother while simultaneously trying to ignore my attraction to him while we avoided any discussion of what had happened between us in the past.

  I spent the evenings in the house I grew up in, going through my parents' personal items trying to decide what to keep, what to give away, what to donate to charity, and what to sell while listening to Erik fill me in on the life he'd been living for the last 6 years.

  He'd ridden the Honda over 50,000 miles before going to work for Mr. Thompson in Alaska, wrenching on small planes. He'd had one very serious relationship with a girl in British Columbia that ended badly after a year. He'd kept in touch with Mom and Dad. He didn't know why they never mentioned it to me.

  One night, during my second glass of wine, while we were going through boxes of photos that Mom had evidently printed out to use in a scrapbooking project, I dared to ask him why he'd never kept in touch with me.

  He was sitting across from me, sprawled out on the floor in faded jeans with ripped out knees and a concert T-shirt from a band I'd never heard of. Except for the shorter hair, he looked very much like the brother I remembered from our youth. He was drinking beer from a can and looking through another box of photos, mostly pictures of family camp outs during our high school years when I wanted to be anywhere but in the woods without a place to plug in my blow dryer and he wanted to live in that tent forever.

  A hint of a smile played at the corner of his lips as he went through the pictures and then he looked up at me and shrugged. "I don't know, sis." He offered rather lamely, "I guess I just thought maybe it was the best thing, ya know?" The smile faded and he looked at me quizzically, as if asking me if he was right. A heaviness hung in the air between us, both of us refusing to acknowledge the reason he left.

  Maybe he was right, maybe it had been best.

  "You'll come to the wedding, won't you?" I suddenly needed a change of subject. I needed to remind him that I was all grown up and that I wasn't in love with him anymore. I needed to remind myself that I wasn't in love with him anymore. "It's in November, at that little place on Spruce Street-- the old house with the pond? Remember? The new owners have turned it into a really nice venue for weddings and stuff. We thought fall would be good, it'll be cooler and the leaves will look nice in the pictures. Plus, it'll be after the elections so Richard won't be so busy."

  "Yeah. That sounds good." He smiled and the tension broke, "I can hang out for another month or two. I'd like to get to know Richard. See what kind of man it takes to win my sister's heart." It was meant to be a lighthearted jab, but it caught between us and hovered in the air.

  We both knew what kind of man it took to win my heart.

  ***

  I was still at work. Everyone had gone home at 5 but this report had to be filed before morning. The early fall sun was low on the other side of the building and the deep golden light reflected off the landscaped walkway outside my window. Everything was gold. It looked like a fantasy garden, I half expected to see fairies flitting through the trees.

  Obviously, staring out my window was much more interesting than the report I had stayed late to finish.

  Only 6 more weeks till the wedding. All the plans were in place and now we were just waiting for the elections. Richard had been busier than ever and was spending more time at the capital. I still didn't understand why he needed to be there so much when he didn't actually work at the state level yet. He explained that he sat in on a lot of meetings and was trying to make himself known so it would be easier to take a place at the table and not be treated as a newbie.

  I shrugged. Politics. It all made my head spin. I didn't really care if Richard got elected or not. He'd still be working for the county if he didn't get the assembly position. I secretly hoped he didn't get elected. I would like him to be home more.

  My cell phone rang, I looked at the caller ID. Erik. I answered the call.

  "Kelsey? Where are you?" His voice sounded tight, agitated. Whatever it was, it sounded urgent.

  "I'm still at the office. I have a report that needs to get filed before I can leave."

  "I'm on my way."

  That was it. He just ended the call, leaving me repeatedly
asking if everything was OK before I realized the line had gone dead.

  Erik had stayed in town since the funeral. He planned to stay at least through the wedding before heading back up to Alaska.

  He still flew back to the offices in North Dakota regularly. Apparently being a natural gas baron is a lot of work. He was very personally involved in his business still and didn't feel comfortable letting accountants and attorneys handle everything for him.

  Richard had taken an immediate liking to Erik. I was glad to see the two most important men in my life getting along so well. Richard had introduced Erik to his circle of friends, mostly other local politicians and some of the more prominent business owners around town.

  Erik hated the golfing but he liked the races. Anything with an engine immediately won Erik's heart. Richard liked to look at things with engines, but only from the outside. He didn't know a cam shaft from a mine shaft. It was amusing to watch them try to talk about cars. Richard was so obviously in over his head on the subject he would always just try to steer conversation back to something he could dominate.

  I had to unlock the front door to let him in. Erik's face was set in a stern frown as he pushed through the doorway and past me into the reception area of the office building while I locked the door behind him.

  It was obvious that he was mad about something. My heart clenched as he paced a few times before turning to face me. If he needed to see me so badly when he was this mad, it could only mean he was angry with me.

  My mind raced to think of something I might have done but I came up empty. I didn't think I could take it if he left me again. I stared at him anxiously and waited.

  "I have to talk to you, Kelse. I know this is going to be hard to hear but you need to hear it." His voice carried an ominous tone. It felt as though the temperature dropped 10 degrees and I had to glance outside again to make sure storm clouds hadn't rolled in. I prepared myself for bad news.