by Ali Parker
I’d never really thought I’d end up with Madlyn Jones in my arms, and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this content, this satisfied. I hoped the feeling never went away.
I was exhausted, wiped out by the vigorousness of our coming together. Before I realized it, I fell into sleep.
That night I had a dream that I will never forget. I was sitting at the table in my condo’s breakfast nook, sipping from a cup of coffee. I could smell bacon frying, and I was filled with an emotion I couldn’t put my finger on.
Leaning back in my chair, I turned my head towards the kitchen just in time to see Madlyn walk into the room. She smiled at me and came forward, carrying a plate of food. Behind her came a little boy who was carefully balancing a dish of butter in his little hands.
When he got close to the table I took the dish from him. “Let me get this, buddy,” I said, setting it down on the table. He smiled up at me, and he had the same dark eyes as Madlyn. It must have been her son.
They take their seats around the table and we begin to serve ourselves. It was a family breakfast, I realized. The thought washed over me accompanied by a wave of warmth, and I felt then such a feeling of peace, of rightness, that I wanted the meal to stretch to eternity.
We ate, we talked, we laughed at each other’s stories. When the meal was through, Madlyn picked up our plates to take them into the kitchen. She bent down to press a kiss to my forehead and then gave me a smile that made my heart melt.
And then I woke up.
The room felt colder. I sat up, stretching across the bed to find Madlyn’s warm body, but it was nowhere to be found. Turning on the lamp, I realized that the bed was empty.
The clock read a little after 3 am. I wandered the condo, wondering if maybe she’d gone to use the bathroom, or perhaps to get a drink of water from the kitchen. But the condo was empty, and there was no Madlyn.
I pulled open the blinds and found that her car was gone. Madlyn had left without saying a word.
Disappointment was understating how I felt in that moment. It was as if the world had held out everything I’d ever wanted to me, and then in the next moment pulled it away with a cruel laugh.
I returned to my bed, feeling lonelier than I had in ages. Fear settled around me and I stared into the darkness for hours, wondering what she was thinking, if she regretted what had happened between us.
As night became day, I continued to lay there, wishing I could go back in time and relive those perfect moments when Madlyn was in my arms. She made the world so bright, so alive.
But now I was left to limp on in the dimness, wondering what had gone wrong.
Chapter 14
Madlyn
The sun slapped me in the face the next morning. “Wake up, Mommy!” Bennie said, pulling open the curtains one by one. “You gonna sleep all day?”
I wanted to so badly to turn over and bury myself in the blankets, to ignore the outside world and wallow in my own feelings. But as a single mother, I didn’t have that luxury. I had a little boy to feed, to dress, to amuse.
I stretched, calling my Bennie over to me for a good morning kiss. Then I was up and headed into the shower, instructing my six-year-old to go pick out the outfit he wanted to wear today. I had no idea what I would find when I got to his room.
The hot water started to wash away the cobwebs, but not the looming feelings that were churning around in my gut. The greatest among them was regret, followed closely by guilt. These emotions were nearly overwhelming, and I had to fight back tears as I wrapped myself in a towel.
I’d enjoyed every second of Connor’s lovemaking. Our being together had hit me with the force of a thousand bullet trains. Even now I couldn’t quit thinking about how he’d kissed me, how he’d held me, how he’d felt inside me.
But one night does not a lifetime make. And it was better for me to realize that fact right now than to spend months chasing something that could never be.
I got dressed, then headed to Bennie’s room to see what he’d decided on. It was rather tame today, a pair of jeans and a blue t-shirt, topped off with his red plastic fireman’s hat. Once we were both dressed, I made my way into the kitchen to whip up some breakfast.
Bennie’s tummy was saying eggs again this morning, and I didn’t argue. Eggs were easy, and I could make them while my mind lumbered under a black cloud of regret.
I felt like an absolute asshole for leaving Connor’s place in the middle of the night. He’d been sleeping, an angelic smile on his face that made him seem even younger than he was. That smile had scared me. It had let me think that something beautiful and wonderful could come from our being together, that there were more amazing times to be had in the future, and that this was just a start.
And so I ran, because I knew those things weren’t true. I knew to think those things, to let myself start to feel them, was dangerous.
But, if I was brutally honest with myself, I knew it was already too late. I was half in love with Connor Douglas, and all it would take to be whole in love with him was another night like last night.
But it wasn’t just the sex. I mean, of course the sex was fucking amazing, but it was the other stuff, the closeness, the intimacy, the feeling of connection, that was beating down my carefully-honed defenses. For years I’d managed to remain happy alone, never wanting to let anyone in, content to focus on Bennie and our little family.
Now, I already missed Connor. I missed laughing with him. I missed the way he looked at me, like I was something wonderful. I missed his arms around me.
He was everything I’d want in a guy, if I had the luxury of having one. Connor was handsome and smart. I knew he was ambitious, but he was also compassionate and good to friends and coworkers. And I had a sinking suspicion he’d be good with children too.
And, if I were willing to admit it to myself, I’d realize that he was nothing like my ex-husband. My ex would ignore me for days, forget holidays, and act as if he was responsible for nothing beyond himself. And that was when he was in a good mood. I didn’t like to think about how he was when he’d been in a bad mood.
Connor would be nothing like that, I knew. I might have only known him for a few months, but already I knew he was twice the man my ex was, even if he was several years younger.
And that, right there, was the crux of the problem. Connor was young. He was successful, had a lovely condo, and a path to career advancement. The world was his oyster. So why in God’s green earth would he want to be shackled to a woman like me?
What did I have to offer someone like Connor? Sure, we were dynamite in the bedroom but what about outside it? Already I knew that great sex didn’t ensure a good match. My husband and I had been very compatible sexually, at least in the beginning. But it hadn’t been enough to build a marriage on.
Connor could have any woman he wanted. His boyish good looks and stellar personality would make him admired by many a beautiful woman. In fact, several of the ladies at work already had a thing for him. If he could have his pick of any beauty, he’d have to be crazy to pick me.
I was a single mother who worked too much and spent my free time trying to cram the rest of my life into a few hours before and after work. I lived in an old house that was falling apart at the seams. I was behind on my bills, had a useless ex-husband, and had little to look forward to besides a pile of dirty laundry.
Why would Connor want a damaged single mother like me?
“Mooooommmmmmm!”
Bennie’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “What?”
“It’s burning!”
I looked down at the pan of eggs which were smoking away. “Shit.”
“Oooooh!” Bennie chortled, then started jumping up and down, saying ‘Shit. Shit. SHIT!”
“Bennie, stop,” I said, carrying the smoking pan to the trash.
Then the smoke alarm started beeping.
“Shit! Shit! Shit!” went Bennie.
I grabbed a towel and headed
over to the alarm, waving the towel under it to try and clear the smoke from the air. It continued to beep, making my head start to throb.
“Shit! SHIT! SHIT!”
“Bennie! You can’t swear like that!”
“You said it, Mom.”
“And I’m a grown-up. You can’t say it.”
He got a devilish smile on his face. “Shit!”
“Go to your room,” I said, losing my temper. The smoke alarm continued to beep.
Bennie’s face collapsed into tears. “I didn’t do it! You burned the eggs!” Then he turned tail and ran to his room, slamming the door behind him.
“Shit,” I muttered under my breath, dropping the towel and grabbing one of the kitchen chairs. I balanced on it precariously while I attempted to unscrew the smoke alarm. Finally, I was able to pull it off its base and the beeping stopped.
I stood there, breathing heavily. Things could spiral out of control so quickly around here, it seemed.
I scraped out the pan, then started fresh, scrambling a new batch of eggs. I popped some bread into the toaster, and worked on Breakfast Part II: The Reckoning. When the table was set, I went to Bennie’s door and knocked.
I could hear him muttering to himself behind the door and it made me laugh. He was so much like I was as a kid, it was sometimes frightening but mostly endearing.
“Bennie, you can come out now. Breakfast is ready.”
“No.”
I frowned. “I’m sorry about burning your eggs.”
“My tummy doesn’t like burnt.”
“Then tell your tummy that there are some fresh, unburnt eggs waiting for it on the kitchen table.”
The door cracked open and his little face stared up at me. “My tummy is hurt.”
“Why?” I asked, crouching down to be closer to him.
“It says I shouldn’t be in trouble for swears that Mommy says.”
I held back a laugh. “Your tummy is a very wise organ. Please tell your tummy that Mommy is sorry for swearing and that we can both be in trouble for swearing.”
Bennie cocked an eyebrow at me, but he finally opened the door and came out. We settled into breakfast, but the eggs tasted like ash in my mouth. Why would Connor invite such chaos into his life when he didn’t have to?
It wasn’t until hours later, when I dug out my phone that I noticed he’d texted me during the breakfast debacle. His text was nice, and it deserved a response, but I just didn’t have the heart to say anything. Why start down that road when I knew it was a dead end?
Chapter 15
Connor
It was Monday morning, and I’d shown up to work early for the first time since I’d started at the firm. I tried to tell myself that it was because I wanted to get a head start on the busy week before the Christmas break, but in reality, it was because I needed to see her again.
I sat watching the door for any sign of her, and so far, there had been none. There’d been no sign of her over the weekend either. She’d been a shadow in my life before, but now she was a ghost, someone who haunted me with her memory. And that was only after one night.
The morning after the party and the greatest night of my life, I’d texted her, telling her that I’d enjoyed our time the night before and that I’d love to get together and talk about it. She hadn’t responded to me, and so I’d spent all of Saturday feeling like a complete tool.
Sunday, I’d began to wonder if I’d been used. She hadn’t even had the decency to stay the night, and she wasn’t returning my text. Could Madlyn have considered what happened a random hookup? Did this mean she wouldn’t be returning to my bed? That thought had hit me like a visceral punch to the guts.
I had gone for several runs and even spent a few hours in the gym trying to work off the frustration I felt, but it hadn’t helped. I was just as keyed up this morning as I’d been when I woke up and found her gone. The clock on my computer hit nine am, and there was still no sign of Madlyn.
I’d gone over that night in my head again and again, trying to figure out what went wrong. But everything had seemed so perfect to me. At the party we’d laughed, and our gift exchange had gone smoothly. I could tell she was flirting with me, and when she’d suddenly asked me if I wanted to get out of here with her, I’d thought she was finally opening up to me.
The sex was so phenomenal that my dick had been throbbing all weekend at the memory. If I ever did get a second chance with her, my cock would probably explode in my pants before I even got close again, so powerful was the thought of being inside her again. I’d never experienced that intensity with a woman before, which just proved that Madlyn was something special.
I knew she’d enjoyed it too, because I really didn’t think her capable of faking orgasms of that magnitude. If she had, she deserved a fucking Oscar for that performance. I couldn’t believe that she hadn’t felt just as overwhelmed as I had.
So why had she left?
That same question had been burning in my brain for days. I had to let it out. And I deserved a fucking answer.
But it was ten after nine and Madlyn still wasn’t here. Was she not coming to work today? Were things so horrible that she couldn’t even come in and face me?
I put my head in my hands, wishing I could drive away these damn thoughts that were making me crazy.
“Still hungover?”
I peeked between my fingers to see John leaning against the desk. “I felt like shit on Saturday morning too, but by Sunday I was right as rain.”
“I’m not hungover,” I managed to murmur.
“Case of the Mondays, then, huh?” John took a sip from his mug. “Understandable. So when are you going to tell me what you got up to Friday night after the party?”
“What do you mean?”
John smiled at me knowingly and I wanted to groan. “You know what I mean. I saw you chase after little Miss Jones, and you both didn’t come back inside after. So...how was it?”
A look passed over my face before I could control it and John almost dropped his coffee mug in shock. “You really did it? Holy fuck! You landed Madlyn Jones? In the five years she’s worked here, no one has managed to do that. You’re a fucking legend, man.”
“Shhh,” I said, looking around to make sure no one had heard his crowing. “Keep your fucking voice down.”
“Oh man, you have to tell me everything,” he said, leaning in close. “What does she smell like? I bet it something homey, like blueberry pancakes.”
“Gross,” I said, narrowing my eyes. “Does your wife know you think about how the women at work smell?”
“Come on, Connor, you can’t leave me hanging like this. I need details! I’d never cheat on Carolyn, everyone knows that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to live vicariously through your exploits!”
“Fuck off, John,” I said wearily.
“Oh no, trouble in paradise already?”
I waved him away and he went, although I could tell he was dying to say more. I hadn’t heard the last of John, but at least he was gone for now.
Fifteen minutes after nine, and her desk was still empty.
I couldn’t believe the rollercoaster of emotions I’d been on since Friday. First hope, then amazement, passion, redemption, lust, and something else that I hesitated to name, something softer, more enduring. And then surprise, disappointment, anxiety, sadness, anger, doubt, and now this...I didn’t have a name for it. It was like someone put all those emotions in a blender to make some kind of fucked up smoothie that they then forced down my throat.
God, I needed to get a grip.
At twenty after nine, the door opened and in walked Madlyn. She hurried to her desk, and I stood, not wanting to waste a second, not wanting to let this fucked-up smoothie of emotions continue for one moment more than I had to.
Unfortunately, before I could reach her, she veered off again, away from her desk and into one of the archive rooms. She shut the door behind her, and I froze.
I returned to my desk and threw myse
lf into my chair. I knew I was feeling all fucked up inside, and maybe she was too. It wouldn’t be right to besiege her the moment she arrived and lay my emotional baggage all over her.
I would bide my time, and when the moment was right, I’d try and talk to her.
The day went slowly. Actually, it dragged along at a sloth’s pace and I thought I would lose my mind in the first hour. Then the second hour was even slower, and I began to wonder if time had slowed down so significantly that I could actually feel my hair growing. Finally, it was almost lunch time.
I couldn’t take the waiting anymore. I headed towards the archive room and let myself in. I found her, sitting on a stool between shelves packed with old ledgers. She was just sitting there, her elbows on her knees, her chin in her hands.
“Madlyn?”
She turned to face me, two bright spots burning in her cheeks. “What are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” I said casually. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“Now isn’t a good time,” she said, picking up the ledger by her feet and standing. “I have a lot to do.”
I bit back a smart retort and took a deep breath. Things weren’t going as well as I’d hoped, so I needed to be careful. “It’s just about lunch time. Maybe we could grab something together?”
“I can’t.” Madlyn moved closer, clearly trying to leave, but I stood my ground in the middle of the aisle, blocking her path.
“We need to talk,” I said. The dreaded words, coming out of my mouth. What was the world coming to?
She looked at me and for a moment I thought she would bolt. Instead she sighed. “Fine, we can talk, but not at work. Maybe we can meet later?”
I shook my head. “I know you’re busy, and I’m not going to have you put this off to a time that’s more convenient because I know you rarely get free time to yourself. We can go to the park nearby during the lunch hour and talk there.”
I hated to be so firm, but I could see in her eyes that she wanted to flee. I wished I understood what was scaring her so much.