Always Our Love

by Tawdra Kandle

  The minute I pressed myself to him, I knew I’d made a mistake. Heat suffused my body, and I could feel my pulse beating in every sensitive nerve. My instinct to flee kicked in, and I made to step back, hoping Linc would just pretend me hugging him was a normal, everyday occurrence.

  But no such luck. Before I could move away, he slid his arms around my waist, pulled me against him, and gave me a tight squeeze. “You’re very welcome, darlin’. I’m glad you like the idea.”

  I didn’t have anything to say or any way to say it. I was too busy being flooded with sensation, with the feel of Linc’s hard chest and the way my body seemed to fit against his. As though he could sense I was just about to melt or implode, he let me go, trailing his fingers along my hips as I took one step backward.

  “I’m sorry about that. I don’t know what made me . . . I mean, we’re at work. I know how to behave. That was inappropriate.”

  “Jenna. No one is here but you and me. The crew isn’t going to get here for another half-hour at the soonest—considering most of them were probably partying late last night, might be a little longer than that. You hugged me because you were excited about something good. That’s what friends do, and no one would’ve thought anything of it.”

  I wrapped my arms around my middle. “Maybe. Still, I don’t want to blur boundaries. I’m kind of sensitive about that—about my ability to read people and not assume things.”

  Linc nodded. “I understand that. But part of me being your person—the one who’s going to drag you back into life—is that you have to trust me. I will always be honest with you, Jenna. If I feel like you’re stepping over lines, I’ll tell you. And you can always ask me if you’re not sure. We’re not going to pussy foot around shit, okay?”

  “Okay.” I nodded. “I’ll try to trust you. I won’t promise it’s going to be easy.”

  “Of course it isn’t. If it were easy, you’d have done it long ago.” He crossed his arms over his chest, making me remember what it felt like to press against that muscled wall. “Now, would you like to come over for dinner tonight? I thought I’d pick up pizza from Franco’s. The kids and I have become regulars there.”

  I opened my mouth to say yes, but instead, other words came tumbling out. “I don’t know if tonight is a good night. With the holiday yesterday, I have a ton to catch up on, and—and maybe the kids won’t be comfortable. I think Oliver likes me okay, but Becca doesn’t seem sure. And maybe we should take some time to think this over.”

  “Jenna.” Linc cocked his head and looked down at me with what might have been amusement. “This is one of those times when you need to trust me. If you don’t have pizza with us tonight, what will you do?”

  I could’ve lied and said I would eat with my parents or one of my sisters or even Rilla and Mason. But we’d promised honesty, so reluctantly I admitted, “I’ll go home after work, eat some soup from a can and watch old episodes of Veronica Mars. In my sweatpants.”

  “Sweatpants this time of year? You’ll roast.”

  I smirked, finding it funny that out of everything I’d just recited, Linc had picked up on my planned attire. “I live on the second floor of a duplex, and they never bothered to separate the climate control system when they changed it to a two-family home. The owner lives downstairs, and she is apparently going through—well, let’s just say she has a lot of hot flashes. She keeps the house at about sixty-five degrees. I’m always cold when I’m at home.”

  “Ah. Well, when you come for pizza at our house, I suggest shorts, because I can’t afford to keep our air conditioning that low. Plus the kids like to eat outside on the deck, even when it’s hot. There won’t be any Veronica Mars, but I can get quippy like Logan, if it’ll make you smile.”

  My eyes widened. “You know Logan? Did you watch Veronica Mars?”

  “Not voluntarily,” Linc snorted. “After Ryland met Abby and moved in with her, I used to stay with them sometimes. Abby is a huge fan and watches the damn series over and over. She can recite entire episodes. I was forced to watch it against my will, and I absorbed some of it, apparently.”

  “Oh, that’s the best. We can talk about Duncan and Lily and Mac and Wallace—”

  “What about Piz?”

  I made a face. “Ugh. I can’t stand him. I totally ship Veronica and Logan. All the way.”

  Linc closed his eyes. “Oh, my God. I’ve opened a terrible can of worms and there’s no way to stuff them back in, is there?”

  “Absolutely not. Now what time tonight, and what can I bring?”

  “Six and . . .” He twisted his mouth. “Do you have anything in the way of desserts handy? The kids love cookies and all that crap, but I can’t bake for shit.”

  “Sadly, neither can I, but I have a friend who can. I’ll bring something fabulous. And I’ll see you at six.”

  “Well, if it isn’t my favorite customer, back again. Does this make it . . . what, twenty-eight days running? Wow, a solid month of almost daily visits. Color me impressed, sweetie pie.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Okay, Kiki. Get it all out. I’ll wait.”

  “Hey, I’m just thrilled. This new relationship of yours means I can afford another mixer. But you have forced me to up my game. Coming up with something new to send with you over to the Turner house is my new daily challenge.”

  “It hasn’t been every day.” I felt silly quibbling the details when Kiki was pretty much right on the track. In the just over a month since Linc had first invited me for pizza at his house, I’d spent almost every evening with the Turner family. It wasn’t always dinner; sometimes we met on the town green for a game of softball or to hear one of the local bands that played on Thursday nights during the summer months.

  Linc and the kids rarely came to my house, although they’d stopped by to pick me up a few times. My little apartment wasn’t quite ready to accommodate three extra people, particularly two kids, and especially Ollie, who was a typical nine-year old boy, never still. My landlady hadn’t ever had reason to complain about anything I did in my upstairs part of the house; I had a sense that one of the reasons for that was my total lack of life up until now. She wouldn’t love hearing Oliver running over her head.

  I had insisted, though, on keeping things even as much as I could. I brought over pizza several times, and I treated for dinner at Kenny’s twice. And since that very first night, I always, always brought them some small treat from Kiki’s bakery. I was pretty sure it was that habit that had cemented the easy friendship I had with Oliver now. He greeted me with a hug each time, and then followed that up with the question, “What kind of dessert did you bring?”

  Linc had scolded him about it at first, but when he realized it had become part of our banter, he left it alone and just shook his head.

  If only cookies or pastries could have won over Becca so easily. The young girl still regarded me with caution, if not occasional hostility. I tried to respect her feelings without pushing by including her in every invitation and conversation but never complaining when she chose to decline or ignore me. And when Linc had apologized to me about her behavior, I’d assured him I wasn’t hurt. Honestly, with everything Becca had been through in her young life, I felt that she was entitled to a little rebellion when it came to more change.

  As though she could read my thoughts—and who knew, maybe she could; this was Kiki, after all—the baker reached across the glass display case and patted my arm. “Try not to worry too much about Becca. She’ll come around. When she’s in here with me, she talks about you sometimes, and she always has something positive to say. She likes you, but she’s afraid to acknowledge it, to you or even to herself, I think.”

  I shrugged. “It’s no big deal, Kiki. It’s not like I’m going to be part of her family or anything. I’m just a friend of her father’s, and eventually, she’ll either like me or not. I thought maybe I could help her in some way . . . but maybe that was naïve, considering I’m still so screwed up myself.” I sighed. “Regardless, I’m glad she h
as you in her life. I think every girl needs a Kiki in her corner.”

  I’d expected a quip or a laugh in response, but instead, Kiki frowned. She hesitated a moment before she spoke. “Do you have a few minutes, or are you in a hurry today?”

  A zing of trepidation spiraled down my middle. “Um, I have some time. Linc is cooking, but they don’t expect me for a while yet.”

  “Good.” She skirted the counter and went to the door of the shop, where she flipped the OPEN sign to CLOSED and turned the lock. Coming back over to me, she pulled out a chair and pointed to the one opposite. “Sit down. I think we need to talk some things over.”

  “Okay.” I sat, my stomach clenching. “What’s up? You’re kind of freaking me out.”

  “I know. I’m sorry about that. I’ve been waiting for an opening to have this conversation with you, but it doesn’t seem to be coming, so I’m going to make my own.” Kiki laid her hands flat on the table between us. “Jenna, I want to talk about Trent.”

  I recoiled a little in surprise. “What about him?”

  She leaned forward a little, seeking my eyes. “I need to apologize to you, about how I acted after . . . well, all around the time that you were suffering the most. When you probably needed someone, I wasn’t there for you. And Jenna, I am truly sorry. I made a decision without really thinking about it . . . well. You knew that Trent and I were friends, too, didn’t you? He’d been coming here since he was a little boy, and he was so lost. So unloved and neglected. Of all my kids—” She flashed a quick smile at me. “Yes, I think of you all as my kids. All of you who I have been privileged to have in my life, some for a long time and others only for a season—you’re all partly mine, in some sense. And some need me just a little, while for others, I’m the only steady person in their lives.”

  “He mentioned you once, at work.” I hadn’t thought about this for a long time. “I said I’d been by the bakery, and he told me you were the most wonderful person in this whole town. He said you were the only one he could trust and depend on, from the time he was a little boy.”

  “I’m glad he felt that way. I always wished I could do more. I actually thought about trying to get approved as a foster mother, so I could take him in officially. But I had Sydney, you know, and I had to put her first.” Kiki had raised her niece from babyhood on. “But it broke my heart, because no one ever put Trent first. He was shuttled around, returned to his loser of a mother—”

  “Kiki!” I’d never heard her speak of anyone so bitterly.

  “I’m sorry, but in this case, it was true. She did everything she could to destroy his life, whether it was intentional or incidental. Anyway, Trent will always hold a special part of my heart. And when I heard what had happened . . .” She exhaled long and closed her eyes. “I couldn’t figure out how to support both of you. I knew you had your parents, who are and have always been wonderful. You had this loving family who was wrapping you in their arms. Trent had no one but a town ready to crucify him for being the very person they’d made him to be.”

  I nodded. “I can understand that.”

  “There was some guilt, too. After all, I knew how you felt about Trent. I’d picked up on those intense emotions, but I never thought it would go that far. I didn’t pay attention to the warning signs—and if I had, maybe I could’ve headed you off. I’m sorry, Jenna. I let you down on so many levels.”

  “Kiki.” I reached across the table and covered both of her hands with mine. “You don’t have to apologize. I never felt you let me down.” I paused, trying to figure out how to put my feelings into words. “What happened with Trent and me was a result of who I was back then. Before. There are a lot of things I wish could be different from that time, but ultimately, if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be who I am now. And I’m starting to realize that I like the Jenna After more than the Jenna Before.”

  “God, you sound healthy.” Kiki smiled. “How did that happen?”

  “A lot of therapy, months of hibernating from the world and people who wouldn’t let me give up. You’re one of those. Even when we weren’t necessarily talking all the time, I’ve always known you have my back.”

  “I’m glad.” She squeezed my hands. “Speaking of people you can count on . . . any improvement on things with your mom and dad?”

  I shook my head. “Not really. We’re doing what’s become status quo with us: we don’t talk about anything important. We ignore what happened on the Fourth of July; neither of us mentions it. I don’t know if she told my father about what she said to me or not, but he just seems confused about why there’s so much extra tension now. He did ask me what was going on with Linc and me, and I explained that we were friends, helping each other out. I’m not sure he understands, but he’s not giving me any grief about it, so . . .” I lifted one shoulder. “For now, that’s about all I can ask.”

  “You’re going to have to force the issue eventually.” Kiki sat back in her chair. “Your parents are good people, Jenna. They love you, and they want the best for you. I think sometimes they don’t understand you, but it doesn’t change the fact that they will always be in your corner. I hope you know that.”

  “I do know it. We need to figure out what our relationship looks like now. I feel like they’re still trying to be the parents they wished they had been to me before—and now I need them to accept who I’ve become. It’s going to be a long path, I think, but I have faith that eventually, we’ll find our way.”

  “Good. And now let’s talk about Linc.” Kiki folded her arms over her chest. “Were you being honest with your father when you told him you were just friends?”

  “I didn’t say just friends,” I corrected. “I don’t want to make friendship sound less important than it is. Linc is dragging me out of limbo, out of the place where I was just existing instead of living. I’m grateful. I’m not sure that anyone else could’ve done it, because on some level, I suspect everyone who knew me before is trying to make me back into the old Jenna, the one they’re comfortable with. Linc didn’t know that old Jenna. He doesn’t have expectations; he pushes me, yes, but I trust him.”

  “Uh huh. And on no level are you interested in jumping his bones?”

  I’d have thought that after all these years of knowing Kiki, I’d be used to the outrageous things she said. But still, I couldn’t stop the heat that spread over my cheeks, just like I couldn’t quite figure out how to answer her.

  “Honestly, Kiki. The things you say.”

  “You sound like Sydney. And that’s a stall tactic right there. Trying to divert the conversation from the fact that you are, indeed, hot for Lincoln’s rocking bod.”

  “Does Troy know that you’re looking at other guys? I can’t think he’d like it.” Kiki’s lover Troy Beck was probably one of the least jealous guys I’d ever seen, but I couldn’t resist jabbing at her anyway.

  “Troy knows I’m his. I’m totally taken, but I’m not dead. I can admire the male form on a level of pure appreciation, not one of lust. And stop trying to change the subject. Do you or do you not think Linc is completely fuckable?”

  “Kiki!” I pressed my hands to my face. “Stop. I’m trying not to think of him that way. Linc has been so good to me, so kind and . . .”

  “And I didn’t miss the way he was looking at you when you all came into the bakery last week. He wants to lick you up like one of my strawberry parfaits. The guy is jonesing for you, Jenna. There’s not a question in my mind about that.”

  My heart was thumping so loud in my chest that I was sure Kiki could hear it. “I think you’re imagining things. He never . . . I mean, we never . . .”

  “He might never, and you might never, but that doesn’t mean you both don’t want to. And why in the hell shouldn’t you?”

  “Oh, only about a thousand different reasons. First of all, we work together. Second, we’re friends, and I don’t want to mess that up. It’s important to me. Third, I’m not sure I’m ready yet. And finally, there’s the age difference. Linc
’s thirty-four. I’m twenty-three. Eleven years is a big gap.”

  Kiki laughed, throwing her head back and clutching her middle. “Oh, sweetie, you’re not going to go there, are you? With me? Honestly?”

  I stuck out my tongue at her.

  “Jenna, I’m currently shacking up with a man who is over twenty years younger than I am. For us, it isn’t just the years—it’s the fact that I’m the older one. The world tends to look the other way when the man is the senior partner, so to speak, but when it’s the woman—well, I’m a cougar. I’m preying on innocent younger men.” She rolled her eyes. “My point is, the age difference excuse isn’t going to fly with me. Plus, I’d say your experience puts you at least at the same emotional level as Linc.”

  “Okay, well, even if I concede that point, there are the others that are perfectly valid.”

  Kiki cast her eyes upward. “Bullshit. You work together. So what? Some of the best couples meet through their jobs. You’re friends. That’s the absolute best foundation for a lasting romantic relationship.”

  I cocked my head. “Did you and Troy become friends first?” I was fairly sure I knew the answer to this question, but I wasn’t certain. They’d met while I was out of town, living in Charleston with my grandmother, and by the time I came back to Burton, she’d already gone on tour with him.

  “No. Our relationship began when he fucked me senseless against the wall in a dark hallway at the Road Block. We didn’t even know each other’s last names. Hell, he didn’t even know my real first name. But we got to be friends after that.”

  “Ah.” Well, that was more information than I’d needed. I wondered if I’d be able to look Troy in the eye the next time I saw him.

  “As to your claim that you’re not ready—Jenna, darling girl, no one is ever ready. Not one of us. When Troy and I hooked up, I wasn’t looking for anything more than casual sex. I needed an itch scratched. I wanted a long, hard—”

  “Okay, enough.” I clapped my hands over my ears. “I don’t need any more visuals, thanks very much. Geez, Kiki.”