When I'm Gone_A heart-wrenching romance story that will make you believe in true love

by Jaxson Kidman

  She’s gone.

  I had no fucking idea what that meant at first. And the more Pete talked, the more the anger rose up. The truth hit me and I looked around for a chair so I could either sit or throw it through a window.

  I left her. I left her alone. When she needed someone more than ever. I didn’t mean to leave her alone though. I had a plan. I had a fucking plan.

  But so did Andy.

  Her plan was to be left alone and make sure that nothing ever hurt her again. Only she hurt herself that night. She ended it for good.

  That’s when those two words really had meaning.

  She’s gone.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Distraction is an Excuse

  Kace

  NOW

  I’m sorry. At least the sugar will taste better.

  I stared at the stupid sugar dish on the island and drank my coffee as black as night. I curled my lip as I shook my head.

  It didn’t make all that much sense to me, but one thing I knew was that Sienna was full of surprises. One second she was in my bed, the next second she was calling me and wanting to just talk for a little bit. She was holding back so much and I respected it. But I also hated that my bed was empty and didn’t smell like her.

  Not to mention that this morning I had Mack snoring on my couch.

  I wasn’t even sure how we ended up at my apartment when he was the one with the new place. The only thing we had to do was move all his junk into the apartment and what he called phase one would finally be done. Either way, we hung out at my apartment, looking at the floor plans of the rest of the building, coming up with ideas, suggestions, and drinking a shit ton of whiskey.

  One thing I knew I could do was outdrink Mack. He could go round for round, but eventually, it just hit him and hit him hard. He’d start to laugh over nothing and then try to tell stories of when we were kids. Drunk and rambling, his eyes slowly shutting. So I got him set up on the couch with a bucket just in case. And of all the damn things Mack brought up, it was Andy. I had no idea what was going through his mind when he was drunk. He met Andy three times, if that. I had two lives growing up. I was Kace hanging out with Andy or Kace hanging out with Mack. Those two lives never connected. Of course, what happened to Andy became a big story and everyone knew about it.

  It took me a little while to get Mack to stop talking about her. He finally passed out and I sat alone, sipping whiskey, pretending to look at the plans while I thought about Andy. And thought about Sienna. Yeah, I did the one thing with Sienna that I never did with Andy.

  I saved her.

  I kept Sienna from getting too close to the edge of the roof. I kept Sienna from getting hurt by that guy. And I’d do it again, a million times over for her. Part of me wished I could go back in time and do the same for Andy, but what was the use in wanting to change time? It could never happen. It would never happen.

  I eventually went to bed, alone, touching the pillow where Sienna had slept more than a handful of times. That’s when I got pissed at myself. For letting these feelings crop up and continue to flourish. The guy in bed, touching a pillow a woman slept on… that wasn’t me. That’s what some loser did when he loved a woman and she bolted.

  That’s not me…

  I was irritated as I walked to the living room.

  Mack let out a horrendous snore that sounded like a lawnmower running over a piece of steel. I reached down and pulled the pillow from behind his head. His head jerked back and he jumped right up, eyes open, dazed for a second.

  “I’m awake,” he called out.

  “I can see that,” I said.

  Mack looked at me. He looked at the table. He looked at the trashcan.

  “Hey, Kace. Do me a favor?”

  “What?”

  “I need my sunglasses, man. Right now.”

  I laughed.

  This was one time I wouldn’t give him shit about wearing his dumb sunglasses.

  He put them on and sat there for a few seconds, breathing heavily.

  “Bro, if you have to throw up, just do it,” I said. “No shame.”

  “I’m good,” he said.

  Mack had a deep fear of vomiting. Not that I would tell anyone, but he would cry if he threw up. He would get so afraid that he was going to choke to death that he would cry his eyes out like a baby. So he would do anything to keep from getting sick.

  It took him a few minutes, but he managed to get to a chair at the island.

  I got him some coffee and he loaded it up with cream and sugar.

  “You should drink it black,” I said. “Good for the hangover.”

  “I’m not hungover,” he said. “I’m tired.”

  “Okay. Good excuse.”

  “Nice sugar dish,” Mack said. “Didn’t take you to be such a girlie man.”

  “It was a gift, asshole.”

  “A gift? Who from? And since when do you care about gifts?”

  I realized my blunder and didn’t respond.

  “Ah,” Mack said with a grin. “It was from Sienna, huh?”

  “Fuck off, man.”

  “She’s been spending time here. Got pissed that you were scooping sugar out of a bag, right? So she buys a sugar dish for you to have here. And you use it. She’s got you pussy whipped.”

  “Go ahead,” I said. “Keep running your mouth, Mack. Come on.”

  “What? I’m just speaking the truth and you don’t like it. Right?”

  I didn’t say a word.

  Mack chuckled.

  “It’s funny to you, huh?”

  “A little,” he said.

  “She bought me this stupid fucking thing and left a note,” I said. “Basically making it clear that things between us aren’t going to work out.”

  “Oh. Shit. Really?”

  “Yeah. She’s got shit from her past. I’ve got shit from my past. It’s just…”

  “An excuse,” Mack said.

  “What?”

  “An excuse. If you use your past to get out of something now, it’s an excuse, man. Why hide or worry about your past? It’s in the past.”

  “Says the guy who has never had a relationship.”

  “By choice,” he said. “I’m not afraid of anything in my life.”

  “Who says I am?” I asked.

  “You had a beautiful woman in your bed, Kace,” Mack said as he stood up. “Now you have a sugar dish on the counter. And you display that thing because it makes you think of her. And you care about her. So maybe you should dump the sugar out and rub the dish between your legs.”

  “Man, you really are an asshole sometimes,” I said.

  “Yeah. But I’m always honest. I’m going to grab a shower and then head over to my new place.”

  “I’m not helping you move,” I said.

  “That’s fine. You can be mad at me. Just keep working on those plans for the other units. Two are empty. I want to get them done and rented out.”

  “Go and take a fucking shower and get out of here,” I growled.

  Mack shuffled his hungover ass away, coffee in hand, right to the bathroom.

  I stared down at the sugar dish.

  Why the hell did Mack have to be right?

  I got the keys to my truck and left, slamming the door loud enough that I figured Mack would hear. If not, he’d get it. He’d be smart enough to lock the door before leaving.

  I needed to go for a ride.

  It was going to be to one of two places.

  The house looked worse than ever. A piece of the roof had caved in over the last few months, which meant that there was heavy water damage and it would keep getting worse. The house was going to eventually just collapse.

  It had always been a stupid dream. To buy the house and fix it up. What for though? What was that going to prove to anyone? In my head, it seemed like a way to honor my grandfather maybe. He bought the house that my father now owned and fixed it up to be everything my grandmother wanted it to be. Sure, it wasn’t some mansion, but to me,
that was the greatest gesture of love ever. So maybe I thought I could do the same for someone I loved.

  Yet the house just rotted, year after year.

  Looking at The Wethen House now made me think of Sienna more than ever. The first night I met her, watching her dance on the ledge of the roof, trying to flirt with her, captivated by her beauty and her eyes. The only woman to ever have me tongue tied. At least since I was thirteen and Andy kissed me and said that she loved me.

  I didn’t even bother to cross the gates this time. I kept my distance and watched the old house, knowing that some things in life just weren’t meant to be. Like my grandparents. My grandmother died too young, leaving my grandfather alone in the house he fixed up for her. Just like my parents. My mother probably fought hard to appreciate my father’s heart, even when it was laced with booze. But she died because of giving birth to me. Leaving my grandfather and father alone, and me just existing. The house my grandfather fixed up slowly becoming a shit hole. My grandfather hiding his problem and finally keeling over and dying. Leaving my father to pretend to be a father, doing the best he could… or so he thought.

  “Fuck,” I growled as I smashed my hands onto the steering wheel.

  I hurried to get away from the house.

  I had the sudden urge to work. To do something with my hands to ease my mind a little. I had been so immersed in Mack’s project that I hadn’t touched anything of my own.

  I did my best to ignore the look of the house I grew up in as I turned down the dirt road, bouncing along until I was near the workshop. I did something stupid when I looked in the mirror and saw the back of Andy’s house. I couldn’t remember the last time I really looked at the house. All it did was conjure up memories that I never wanted to come alive again.

  When I got into the workshop, I felt relieved.

  I had picked up an old bench a few weeks ago that was messed up with different colored paints and old faded stickers from kids. The bench was all wood and the seat part actually opened, making a toy chest. My plan was to clean it up, add some carvings to the arms and the back, and then sell it as a storage bench. Not for kids though. For adults. I couldn’t help but wonder about the bench and the life that it had had. Was it owned by a kid with a good life? Some little girl that had her mother and father at home. Maybe her mother stayed at home while her father worked. He’d come home around five and the little girl would rush downstairs and jump from the third step up into her father’s arms for a hug.

  I gritted my teeth as the thought pounded against my brain.

  I started pressing too hard with the sandpaper, so I paused and backed away. I dropped the sandpaper and turned to get out of the workshop for a minute to take a breath. As I stood in the doorway, I couldn’t help but look through the bushes and trees to see Andy’s house.

  “Hey, Kace, I didn’t know you were here.”

  Leave it to my father to show up at the right time. Because if I stood there and thought about Andy and everything that had happened, I was going to lose my edge for good. Twisting Andy and Sienna together would have me hiding in the workshop with a bottle of whiskey, and that would only put me on a path that I fought hard to stay the hell away from.

  “Dad,” I said with a nod.

  His eyes were big and glossy. Which meant that he was probably a twelve-pack deep. Drunk but not really wasted. He could walk without too much of a stumble. His clothes weren’t completely filthy either.

  “Hey, what are you working on?” he asked in a loud voice.

  “Just dicking around,” I said.

  “Show me what you’ve got going on.”

  “Dad…”

  “Ah, come on, Kace,” he said. He gave a light punch to my arm. “Give me something to smile about.”

  I laughed. “Really? You’re going to use me to make you happy? That’s a pretty sad life you’ve got there.”

  “Tell me about it,” he said. “Money’s tight. I’m behind on a few things. Economy is shit. Eh…” He waved his hands. “You know what it’s like. You’re smart though, Kace. A good kid. Excuse me. A good man.”

  I stared at my father.

  When I was a kid, I would envision my father as some superhero. Tall, strong, saving people, and always coming home in time for dinner. Teaching me lessons about life. Taking me on adventures. What I got in real life was very different. My old man was shorter than me, had more fat than muscle, looked ten years older than he was, drunk, and when it came to dinner, he would eat whatever boxed food he could find in the pantry. Lessons and adventures were taught while drunk behind the wheel of a car as I crossed my fingers and hoped that when he crossed the yellow line in the road, another car wasn’t oncoming.

  I swallowed hard, knowing that there was nothing I could do to change the reality that stood before me. He was going to drink himself to death. Simple as that. As though it were some kind of prideful fate.

  I turned and pointed to the bench on the table. “That. Making it so it’s for adults now. I kind of envision it maybe when you first walk into a house, right? It’s not big and annoying, but it has some storage too.”

  “Damn,” Dad said. “That looks fantastic.”

  “It’s not even sanded down yet,” I said with a smile. “It looks like shit.”

  “No, no, I’m picturing what you said. What you’re going to make it into. It’s going to be amazing, Kace.”

  My old man looked at me with a prideful grin. My heart twisted, wondering where the fuck he’d been all my life. Why the fuck he couldn’t be like this all time, and find a way to ditch the fucking bottle for good.

  “Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate that.”

  He slapped my back. “I knew you’d become something in life. Always.”

  “I wouldn’t say something, Dad. I clean up junk and sell it. I’m not a millionaire.”

  “Fuck money, Kace. You chase money and you’ll never be happy because there’s never enough of it. Chase something worth going after. Something you get one of and keep it tightly to you.”

  “Yeah. Good point.”

  “Hey. How about a beer?”

  “No thanks. I don’t drink on the job.”

  Dad laughed and grabbed my arm. “You were always funny too. Always doing funny shit.”

  “Oh yeah? Like what?”

  “Just funny shit,” Dad said. “Always making me laugh.”

  I didn’t press the subject because I could tell he was lying. My old man was there, but never really present. If that made sense. The way he looked at me right then told me that he didn’t remember being there when I had Sienna with me. Which was his norm. You never knew what he would remember and wouldn’t. Yet sometimes, he’d pull a memory out of his ass that you would never expect.

  “Okay, I’m going to head back in, Kace,” he said. “Need something to eat.”

  “What’s on the menu?” I asked.

  “Oh, you know, the usual. I need to get to the grocery store soon. Getting a little bare in there, you know? But I’m fine.”

  I curled my lip and nodded. “Hey. Uh, I was here not too long ago. You came out and you were pretty… you know. Worked up.”

  “Yeah? When?”

  “I don’t know. You were stumbling and looked like you were really out of it. I helped you inside and get on the couch.”

  “Hmm… I don’t remember.”

  “Believe me, I do.”

  “Hey, Kace, look,” Dad said as he shrugged his shoulders. “Sometimes we have bad days. Sorry if you caught me on one of mine.”

  I nodded. Half of me wanted to punch him right in the damn jaw and watch him fall. But the other half knew that he was living in hell and would live there forever.

  I reached into my pocket and took out forty bucks. “What I’m trying to say is that you dropped this when I was here. I tried giving it back to you but you were really drunk. So I figured I’d hang onto it until I saw you again. So, here. Order a hot dinner.”

  The old man nodded, swallowing hard, pr
obably knowing that I was full of shit. The apple didn’t fall too far from the tree on that one, huh?

  He took the money from me and looked ready to cry. His eyes welled up and looked red and glossy.

  He cleared his throat. “Thank you, Kace.”

  “Yeah. I’m going to get moving here.”

  “Right. Sure. Busy man. That’s good. That’s really good.”

  We stood there awkwardly, wondering if we should hug or something. Instead, the old man did his normal thing where he just gave a nod and a smile. Then he turned and walked with his head down, all the way back to the house.

  That was enough for me.

  I lost the urge to work. And of all the damn things to have happen, his words stuck in my mind.

  I got into my truck and looked in the mirrors. To my right, I saw the reflection of the house I grew up in. The shit hole that was filled with drunks, fights, yelling, and everything else that swam around in my head. To my left was the reflection of Andy’s house. The definition of a fucking nightmare.

  I looked in the rearview mirror and caught my own reflection for a quick second.

  I could do one of two things. Sit there in the middle of my past, or go forward toward something else.

  I said the first thing that came to mind.

  “Fucking sugar dish…”

  And I knew exactly what I needed to do.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Secrets in Steam

  Sienna

  It was a little bit of a slow shift for me. I got stuck with the late morning through lunch shift. I was leaving just as the dinner rush was going to start. The only chance I really had at making decent money was if someone called off and I was asked to stay.

  I swung by the bar to get two fresh beers from Candice.

  “Hey, Sienna,” she said. “Lexi told me to tell you that she seated someone who was looking for you.”

  “Looking for me?”

  “Yeah. Table forty-two.”

  “Okay… do you know who it is?”

  “I work behind the bar.”

  “Right,” I said.