When I'm Gone_A heart-wrenching romance story that will make you believe in true love

by Jaxson Kidman

  I started with coffee. That was good enough for the moment.

  I sat at the counter with a cup of black coffee and had a plain white notebook and a pencil. I was far from an artist, but I could sketch something that was semi-decent.

  It was no surprise that I drew a picture of The Wethen House.

  The glorified romantic dream of buying that piece of shit house and making it into a home. It was always a long shot and now it was impossible. The house was reduced to nothing.

  Maybe in some messed up way it was the universe telling me to move forward and let all that stuff go. Between working with Mack on his building and chasing after Sienna’s heart, I really hadn’t done much work for myself lately. That one storage bench was really about it. Not that it mattered. I could always find the work. It was the just wanting to do it when all I wanted was to figure out the rest of Sienna’s heart. She had completely captured me in a way that had never happened before.

  That was the romantic way of thinking about it.

  The truth was that I was fucked. My heart, mind, and soul were fucked.

  I finished the scribbled drawing of the house and slid it away. An idea came to me though just as my cell started to ring.

  It was Mack.

  “If you bring up last night I’m going to hang up,” I said.

  “Why, what happened last night?” he asked.

  I grinned. “That’s what I thought. What’s wrong?”

  “If you have a few minutes to climb out of Sienna, I have a problem.”

  “Trust me, Mack, if I was anywhere near Sienna I wouldn’t have answered your call.”

  “What happened to you two last night then? She told me-”

  “Mack, what do you need?”

  “I could use your help today. I’m going to finish gutting the downstairs apartment. There’s something with the flooring that I want you to look at too. It doesn’t look like normal wood.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know how to explain it. There was carpeting down and I started to pull it up. I can’t tell what the floors are. You know?”

  “Right. Just don’t touch anything, okay? If you’ve got original hardwood under the carpets, that’s good. I can refinish them for you. Just stop right now and let me get changed and get over there.”

  “Thanks, man. I owe you.”

  “Yeah. You owe me.”

  I ended the call and stood up.

  I entered my bedroom with a notebook and a cup of coffee.

  This was the definition of falling in love if you asked me. Sneaking into my own damn room and gently placing the coffee and notebook on the nightstand. Watching Sienna as she stirred and started to wake up. Her beautiful hazel eyes popped open and met with mine.

  It made me smile and shake my head.

  “What?” she asked.

  “Just wondering how you could look so fucking beautiful the second you wake up.”

  “Ugh, shut up,” she said and stuck her head under a pillow.

  I laughed. “Hey. I have to go and help Mack with something. You’re more than welcome to crash here as long as you want. I brought you some coffee. And I have a project for you.”

  Sienna lifted her head from under the pillow and fixed her hair.

  Staring at her made every muscle in my body tense up.

  Fuck, she’s amazing.

  “Project?” she asked.

  “Yeah,” I said. I crouched down and kissed her. “First off, good morning, darlin’.”

  “Good morning.”

  I kissed her again, this time with a little more meaning. She hesitated for a second, fearing that sloppy first morning kiss because of morning breath. But honestly, who gave a damn about that? She’d slept in my bed, in my arms, and there was no kiss better than that first morning kiss.

  I broke away and stood up to get changed.

  My version of getting changed was pretty simple. Find my jeans from the night before and put them on. That was the extent of getting ready.

  I sat on the edge of the bed as Sienna sat up, hugging her coffee mug with both hands.

  “You said something about drawing. And pictures.”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “I scribbled something this morning,” I said. I reached for the notebook. “No surprise what it is. But I’m hoping you’ll write something.”

  She looked down at the sketch and swallowed hard. “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why?”

  “Why not, darlin’?” I asked. “That part of you was swept under the rug.”

  “Is this your romantic attempt at trying to make me find a better job? Or a career?”

  “What?” I asked. “Hell no, darlin’. I’m not that guy. Believe me. If this is something you used to love, you should try and love it again. I think between the two of us, we’ve fought for second chances all our lives. So why not give this a second chance?”

  “You expect me to sit here and drink coffee in your bed and write something?”

  “No,” I said. “I don’t expect you to do anything, darlin’. Just be happy and do what you want. I have to get going.”

  “I have work today too, Kace. I won’t be here when you get back.”

  “Come here when you’re done.”

  “I’m working a double.”

  “So what?”

  “I won’t get out until-”

  “I’ll be awake on the couch. Waiting.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah,” I said. I put my hand on the notebook and leaned forward to kiss her. Her lips had a hint of morning breath and the taste of crappy homemade coffee. She was fucking delicious. “I need it, darlin’. I need you.”

  “I’m not sure that anyone’s ever said that to me before. Or actually really needed me.”

  “First time for everything,” I said as I stood up. “Just be happy, Sienna. Whatever that is. Whatever it takes to be that.”

  “Kace, are you happy?”

  I paused mid step and looked around the bedroom. “When I think about you, darlin’, it makes me happy.”

  “You’d better go to work,” Sienna said. “I have a very busy morning here.”

  “I can see that.”

  “Once I decide to climb out of this comfy bed, I’m going to go through all your stuff. Snoop and sniff. Then I’m going to take a long, hot shower, alone.”

  I curled my lip. Sienna was the only woman I would ever let mess with me like that.

  “Good,” I said. “If you find anything interesting when snooping, leave it out. I’m sure there are memories all over this apartment. Oh, and when you’re showering, think of me.”

  “I always do,” she said.

  I paused at the doorway and looked back. “I can’t wait to taste you later, darlin’. Whatever you do to yourself in my shower is nothing compared to what I’m planning later.” Her cheeks burned bright red within a second. I winked. “I love you, darlin’.”

  “I love you too,” she said.

  I left my apartment and shook my head, realizing the exchange that had just happened.

  She made me laugh.

  Which kept my demons silent.

  But they were only silent for a little while…

  “Can I just say something already?” Mack asked as we stood out back of the building, next to the dumpster that was now full of the old carpeting that we just tore up.

  I was sweaty and trying to cool off. My skin itched from all the little fibers of carpet that hit it, and the almost invisible pieces that were stuck to me, driving me crazy.

  I had been in my own little daze of life, trying to piece everything together that involved Sienna. I went back to the first night I saw her swaying on the rooftop, listening to music. All the things that could have gone differently that night. If her intentions up there were different. If my intentions were different. If she hadn’t looked at me the way she did and if that spark hadn’t instantly started right then…

  “I’m listening
, Mack,” I said without turning my head away as my stare burned into the horizon.

  “I’m really fucking sorry about the house. The Wethen House…”

  “Yeah, I understand.”

  “I know what that place meant to you. All the times we talked about it. Snuck up there to dig around until we either got spooked because of ghosts, or the police would come and chase us away.”

  I slowly nodded. “Yeah. It was a hell of a house.”

  “I know you didn’t own it, but I think that somewhere inside you, you think you did. And I respect that. So I’m just going apologize.”

  I turned my head. “You already did, Mack. The house is in ashes. There’s nothing we can do for it. Probably some teenagers or something partying and it got out of control. You heard what they said. The house was a giant piece of kindling. Now it’s gone. Which is probably for the better. Whoever owned it can get some insurance money and sell the land. Let something good come of it.”

  “You should buy it then,” Mack said.

  “What?”

  “This is what you do, Kace. You buy shit that’s… shit… and you make it nice.”

  “Look, Mack, I know what you’re trying to do. I appreciate it. But just let it go, man. It was a stupid dream and a stupid obsession of mine. That house burning down just proves that life moves forward. No matter what we want.”

  “That’s deep,” Mack said. “So where does your life move forward to?”

  “Right now? I’m going to go and look at those floors closely and come up with a plan on how to restore them,” I said. “So you can show off a really nice apartment in a shitty part of town. Almost wish you could lift this building and move it somewhere else.”

  “Hey, Kace. I meant… like, in life. Where are you going? What’s the plan?”

  I raised an eyebrow. “What?”

  “You and Sienna…”

  “What about her?”

  “You like her. You two go well together. I’ve never seen you with someone like this before.”

  “Leave my love life out of your life,” I said. “Stick with what you know. Better yet, figure out how to get hard near Eve.”

  “Fuck, man, come on,” Mack said. “I took care of that issue already.”

  I grabbed Mack by the shoulder and shook him. “See? Things are going great for you. Stick to that. Now let’s check out these floors.”

  I stood in the doorway to the apartment and looked around. It was a nice place. Once you stripped away the years of neglect, it wasn’t all that bad at all. The floors were definitely the original.

  “You probably have these floors across the entire first floor,” I said to Mack. “That’s nice. Second floor though was already hardwood. So anyone with carpeting on the first floor…”

  “Excellent,” Mack said. “See, this building isn’t so bad.”

  “Not at all,” I said. I looked around the apartment again. “We should get a list together of what needs to get done and how much it’s going to cost. This is your building, Mack, so you tell me what you’re thinking of doing to it. You know how budgets can go.”

  “Yeah, I hear you,” he said. “Hey, are you in love with Sienna?”

  I snapped my head around. “What?”

  “You heard me.”

  “Why does that fucking matter?”

  “We never talk about that stuff, Kace. We’ve known each other for so long. You never really talked about your friend Andy. I knew it was a girl, but you always tried to make it seem like she was a boy. I never understood that. And now with Sienna… you two have this serious thing going and it’s like you just shrug your shoulders at it.”

  I turned and faced him. For once he wasn’t wearing his black aviator sunglasses. Which meant that I couldn’t slap the damn things off his face.

  Instead of slapping his face, I put my hand on it. “You know how it always was for us, Mack. Right? How many nights did you not eat supper? So I’d wait for my old man to come home and I’d steal ten bucks out of his pocket. We’d get some pizza and hit the arcade to forget about life. Not sure what you’re trying to do here by asking me these questions. Yeah, guess what, Mack? I loved Andy. She was probably my first love. And she killed herself. Okay? As far as Sienna goes… yeah, maybe I do love her. We both have our shit to deal with though. This isn’t a jump head first into some romance and let life be great situation. That’s not how it works.”

  Mack showed his hands in defeat. “I get it, man. I get it. I’m just telling you, Kace. I’ve never seen you like this. Not working on a hundred projects at once. Not being distracted by it all. It’s like you can finally see for once, and if it’s because of Sienna, then that’s a damn good thing.”

  “Right,” I said. I gently patted Mack’s face. “Why don’t you go and find Eve and buy her a drink instead of her serving you one? Call it a day here.”

  “This is my building. I’m the boss.”

  “I’m telling you what to do. Are you going to listen or what?”

  “Sure,” he said with a grin. “These floors are good though?”

  I eased away from Mack. We both nodded, acknowledging what we meant to each other. As friends. As brothers without the blood. Knowing that we didn’t need to talk about serious shit, but if it was important, we were there.

  “The floors are fucking perfect,” I said. “I say let me take this one. Let this one be my project. You disappear and I’ll make this look amazing.”

  “Spending my money?”

  “Yup,” I said.

  “Okay, Kace. Have at it. I trust you.”

  Mack walked toward the door as he left me standing in what was the dining room of the apartment.

  I called his name and he looked over his shoulder.

  “Thanks,” I said.

  “For what?”

  “Just thanks.”

  “Yeah, sure,” Mack said. “Enjoy.”

  I didn’t hang around for much longer though. It was already late in the day and I was hungry. I had this dream of getting back to my place and seeing Sienna in my bed. That she never moved from the morning. The ultimate dream for me.

  When I got home, it was empty. The same old apartment as always. Just me and my voice if I talked to myself. The only difference was the lingering smell of Sienna’s sweet skin. I looked like a drug sniffing dog as I walked through the place, my nose twitching, desperate to smell her. I caught the reflection of myself when I went into the bathroom. I ripped open the shower curtain and saw water on the tiles. My mind imagined her beautiful, curved body standing there, the water licking her in ways that were meant only for me. I turned and saw my reflection. Desperate for this woman. My heart twisted up in a way that reduced me to feeling as though I were walking on my knees after her.

  She may have tried to jump off that roof, but I think at the end of it all, she actually ended up pushing me. She pushed me right off and into something I’d never experienced before.

  When I entered the bedroom, the sheets were messy and it made me smile. I don’t know why. Maybe because someone else would have fixed the bed. Would have made the sheets and the comforter perfectly straight and tight. Organized the pillows. Not Sienna. The covers were as messy as when I left the bed. The pillows stacked where she had been sitting up in bed. Even her coffee mug was on the nightstand.

  That’s when I saw the notebook and the drawing I left with her.

  I sat on the edge of the bed with the notebook in my hand and saw that she had written something for me. I looked to the pillow where she had been, gritting my teeth, knowing how deep this was really getting.

  My shitty sketch of The Wethen House looked much better with Sienna’s words written around it.

  My sweet flame, you stand tall,

  but will be broken in seconds. It’s the way

  time allows us to breathe. The peak, the hole,

  reaching for the light

  it will break you

  A finger sliding down the back of your neck

  tr
acing a line from a flirting heaven to

  a normal hell.

  Your ashes, the dance, the wind a

  silent song.

  If I say sorry, will you hear? Will you

  ever understand what this means? Will you

  become the spark in the dust, the one they

  don’t see and the one they don’t cry for?

  I can stand and wait. For time to take me.

  The ground to swell, soften with our tears,

  swallow me like the horizon to the day.

  Never a goodbye. Spoken. But seen.

  I placed the notebook down on the bed. Everything about Sienna was special. Even when her heart was so broken that she felt the urge to tempt a dark fate, she was still special and beautiful.

  I left the notebook on the bed and went out to get a beer. I stood in the kitchen with the bottle in my hand, staring aimlessly across the apartment. There wasn’t a sound to be heard, but my mind was noisy. Thoughts racing faster than I could catch them.

  “Fuck,” I finally whispered to the nobody around me.

  I rubbed my jaw.

  I thought about my old man. How the bottle controlled his life and forever would. I thought about Andy next door and how she felt that her only comfort was a way out of life. My grandfather dying when I was so young, but he left an impact on me that would last forever. Then there was Sienna. This darkness that was actually my light.

  I started to nod and I put the full beer bottle down on the counter.

  An idea came to me… that would forever change our lives.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Every Morning

  Sienna

  “Here, have a drink with me,” Candice said as she put a glass of clear liquid in front of me.

  “She’s not going to drink that,” Lexi said. “She’s going home to get some action.”

  “That’s a bad thing?” I asked.

  “You and the sugar guy are getting hot, huh?” Candice asked with a wink.

  It was a running thing about the time Kace came in and poured the sugar packets all over the table. I just went along with it because no matter what, I got to go home to him.

  “Yeah, it’s hot,” I said with an eye roll.