Outlaw

by Amanda Lance

  “Okay,” he said, hitting me on the arm. “We’ll think of something.”

  I lit up a smoke right away, something between relief and curiosity coming at me. I wanted to read the rest of the paper but didn’t wanna seem overeager ’bout how much I liked this girl. Luckily, though, Yuri practically ran away when he heard the bathroom door squealing, which made me feel even better. If he was serious ’bout helping me keep her outta harm’s way, then it made sense that he wouldn’t want her to have more of a description of him than necessary.

  I hurried to stare at the paper when she came out—trying to seem all casual and stuff. But ’cause I was trying too hard, I couldn’t really read the paper and just kinda stared at it.

  “Does it, um, say anything in there…um, you know?”

  I was smiling when I saw how annoyed she was with me, all her weight on one hip and her arms crossed while she stared at the wall.

  “What? ’Bout you?”

  She pursued her lips at me and moved her hips again, and all of a sudden I was thinkin ’bout what her lips would taste like and how her tongue would feel against mine.

  “About anything of interest.”

  It was stupid of me to be real bold like that, but when I handed her the paper, I smiled and let my hand linger on hers just long enough to feel the warmth from her and capture her gaze. It coulda just been ’cause she was afraid, but she stared right back at me.

  “Only interesting thing is on the front.”

  We stared at each other like there was no tomorrow, and though I tried to think of one, I couldn’t remember a second in my whole life that my insides had ever felt so warm. I had to move away before I did something even more stupid.

  Right after that, she went through the paper like the crazy she was, and I saw when she found that article ’bout herself ’cause her mouth opened up like a fish outta water, and she paled as her eyes moved across the page. It was another reminder that she was smart when she read the whole thing in a few seconds. A reader that fast had to have been smart, right?

  She leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor, shoving that newspaper real far away. I felt bad ’bout how sick she looked, but I didn’t really understand that. Didn’t she appreciate that she had people looking out for her? That her old man and the media were searching for her? Growing up in the system, that woulda never happened for me, and even when my pa had me, I think I probably coulda disappeared off the face of the earth and he woulda just knocked up some other broad to replace me.

  I moved close next to her, trying to be quiet like those few times I had gone huntin’ growing up. I wasn’t so sure about it, but I started to think that maybe the reason she was so upset was because she was worried about them.

  “They’re really playing up the cancer thing.”

  Stupid. That was a stupid thing to say.

  “What?” For a second, she sounded like she was gonna cry, but it was too late for me to take it back now.

  “The other papers keep bringing up how your ma died and saying that your brother is a war hero—”

  She started laughing again. “Robbie is no war hero. He’s just… Robbie.”

  I didn’t even think about it before I lended her my hand to stand up. After I did, though, she was looking at me like maybe she thought I was slow or something—hit one too many times in the head. Still, she took it anyway, and I lifted her back up, looking behind me every couple of seconds to make sure she was still behind me.

  “I will get to go home tomorrow, right?”

  I smiled to myself. “Yeah.”

  “You know you really do smell, right?”

  Why was I always gettin’ stuck with the smartasses?

  “Yeah.”

  She was real cautious when we got back to the kitchen, like maybe she thought the guys were going to be there to ambush her or something. But when she realized it was just us, she seemed to relax a lot. I, on the other hand, coulda died when I saw her stretching out in front of that window by the sink, the tiny bones in her wrists standing out just so, while she strained her arms back and forth. I watched her for a solid minute while the sun was shining through her hair and her top started riding just a little above the top of her shorts. It was all I could do not to wonder if every part of her was just as perfect—I couldn’t imagine it wasn’t.

  I shook my head and reminded myself about what I needed to do. There was still work to be done before we left: stuff to load, people to call, and money to exchange. I reminded myself of all of it as I swiped up the bungees on the floor and sat up on the countertop again. If I could only look at her for another couple of minutes, then I was damn well gonna enjoy it.

  She turned to me slowly, almost as if she wasn’t expecting it, and I hated myself a whole lot at that moment for what I had to do. If I had any other option or thought I could trust her not to run away, I sure as hell wouldn’t have tied her up again.

  “Sorry ’bout this.” I couldn’t look at her no more. I stared at the floor instead. “But, ah―”

  Her brow furrowed, and her mouth tensed. “No.”

  I tried to think of a joke but couldn’t make anything up. Anyway, laughin’ right then probably wasn’t the best thing, anyway. “I ain’t asking.”

  Addie ran for the door, and if it had just been me I woulda let her go, stolen a car, and gotten straight the hell outta there. But I knew if the one of the guys saw her tryin’ to get away, there wasn’t going to be no chance that I could convince them to let her go home. I swiped her up again, hating it more than the first time, wishing I could slam my head against the wall when I had to cover up her mouth.

  “Don’t do this.” My voice was squealing by then, but I didn’t care how much of a girl I sounded like. Without sayin’ the words, I knew I had to get across how important it was that she didn’t try to do anything brave again. “Please?”

  She softened up in my arms right away, and I took the opportunity to pick her up and move her over to the radiator again. After that, I couldn’t look her in the eye anymore. I was too ashamed of myself.

  “I know this sucks.” I kept shaking my head. What a dumbass thing to say. Like she didn’t already know how awful this all was? What a scumbag I was?

  “I gotta couple things to do.” And true enough, I did. After sayin’ all my fake sorries to Reid, I had to talk to the guys ’bout what we were doing here, especially to Ben. Not to mention getting in touch with the other navigator on the Diyu. So I tied her up as fast as I could—in a packer’s knot this time—but still kept it loose enough so that she would be comfortable.

  “When I get back, you can just hang out. Without any of this stuff.” Like the idiot I was, I pointed out the bungees again. Like she didn’t know what I was talkin about?

  “Okay?”

  At first, I didn’t think she was going to say anything, or if she did she would swear or call me out on how rotten I was. Instead, though, all she said was, “You don’t have to do this.”

  She looked at the floor instead of me, her eyes nervous and her shoulders hunched. She was scared and feeling way more lousy than I was, which I thought was pretty goddamn lousy.

  “Don’t worry,” I told her just before I left the room. “I ain’t gonna let nobody hurt you.”

  When I was outta there, I walked away as fast as possible, just in case—the last thing I wanted to do at that point was hear her crying or cursing me out again. I took out my phone, but it wasn’t as good a distraction as I’d hoped. It was already after ten and we had to make port by one. With only three hours to figure out what in the hell we were doing and carry it out, every minute was real important, and we didn’t have a second to waste.

  “Fellas!” I called outside. “What are we doin’?”

  “‘We,’” Reid yelled back, “are doing all the heavy lifting while you’re screwing off with your new girlfriend.”

  I sighed and stepped off the front porch. Paying no attention to Reid, though, I made my way straight to Ben, who was
leaning up against the SUV and typing away on his touchpad like nothing was going on at all.

  I shoved him against the car, all playful-like, but he didn’t even look up. “What’s this I hear ’bout you looking for a gravesite?”

  He looked up at me then, with those stupid glasses on, and smiled like a kid who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “I was also taking care of a few other things.”

  “No freaking way.”

  “Charlie Boy—”

  “I’m serious, Ben, we ain’t doing this. If you do, I’ll get on the phone and tell Elise you ordered for some civilian girl to get killed.”

  “Ooooh.”

  We said it simultaneously: “Shut up, Reid.”

  Closing my eyes, I clenched my fists at my sides and tried to find the right words. While me and Reid were good for fighting, Ben only knew how to work with words. If anybody wanted to get to Ben, that was the way to do it. “Where’s the boys at?”

  “Yuri and Polo are moving the knocker from the basement.”

  It hit me then, and suddenly I was reminded of the first time I went on a rollercoaster. It was one of those old wooden coasters, and I threw up all over myself and everything else before the cart even launched down the first track. The operator didn’t stop the ride, though, and when it went faster my stomach bottomed out, making me get sick again and again when the spirals came. ’Til now, I thought that was pretty much the worst feeling of my life: hurtin’ and hurtin’ worse with every second and not being able to do nothing about it.

  This was kinda the same thing but worse. My stomach tried to leave my body, and just like the rollercoaster, this was a ride I had signed up for—this mess was my own fault. At least, though, I wouldn’t be helpless.

  I glanced at Reid, who was under one of the hoods of the SUVs, and Ben, who’d gone back to his electronic paperwork. In my head, I was relieved what Yuri said in the hall and how Ben felt about loose ends, how—everybody was accounted for but Wallace.

  I ran inside before they could stop me, but I didn’t see nothing; all I heard were these little gasping noises, like wet rasping sounds, and I knew how bad it must be. But it still didn’t work out in my mind for what I did see when I got to the kitchen, how Wallace had his ’roid rage hands around her neck, and her eyes were shut tight. Maybe it was ’cause of my own anger, or maybe it was from the surprise, but it was real easy to grab him from behind and throw him to the ground.

  And then I was just punching and punching and punching…

  Chapter 6

  I told her I wasn’t gonna let nobody hurt her.

  I told her it was gonna be okay.

  I hadn’t meant to lie so bad.

  There was all kinds of blood between my knuckles and on that punk’s face, but I still didn’t stop. I think Reid came to the archway but left again and came back with the rest of ’em, but I only knew that ’cause Yuri and Big Mouth each took one of my arms to get me off of him. The Red wasn’t letting me be done yet, though. My legs were stomping in the air, and though we wasn’t moving, I hit ’em as hard as I could a couple of times in the shins before they got me outta there.

  On the way out, though, I got a glimpse of Addie.

  Her eyes were still closed, but her head was cocked off to the side at a weird angle. She was paler than I had ever seen her, and I couldn’t figure out why until I saw the red stuff in her hair.

  If there wasn’t so much blood, then I mighta thought she was just asleep.

  ***

  When the fellas saw what I was looking at, they let me go, both of them with their mouths open like they were just coming to terms with the crap we were knee-deep in. I didn’t think ’bout any of that, though. All I knew right then was that she was so still and quiet, even though I was crouched down next to her tapping her hand with mine, beggin’ her to wake up, that I panicked immediately.

  “Come on, beautiful, wake up,” I tried. “You gotta wake up for me, okay?”

  Ben came in then, but I only knew that ’cause I could hear his voice. “Oh dear…”

  I still wouldn’t take my eyes off her, feeling superstitious that if I did, I’d miss her waking up.

  I untied her again. This time, it was real hard ’cause my hands were shaking so bad. It felt like it took forever to do, but once I did, I held her in my arms, hating the fact that she wasn’t moving and that her head was bleeding so bad, hating myself for leaving her alone… hating the guys… hating everything but her…

  “Is she dead?” It was Yuri’s voice this time, and I wanted to answer him, but my throat was too swelled up to let me. I didn’t have the words.

  Of course Captain Oblivious had to come bouncing in then, as retarded as ever, but at least Reid was smart enough to hold out his arm and keep him back.

  “Oh man! I missed it again?”

  Ignoring all of ’em, I picked her up like she was a fragile package and left the fellas behind to whisper amongst themselves. There wasn’t a whole lot left to the downstairs, but there was a sofa kinda thing that looked like it had been cut in half with a chainsaw. I laid her on there as gentle as I could, kneeling beside her, so that I didn’t have to go so far.

  “Damn it!” Reid yelled. “Son of a bitch!” I heard the sound of things getting kicked over. “What in the hell are we going to do now?”

  Ben shushed him, but I could still hear ’em all whispering and had to cover my ears to keep them out. I hadn’t meant for her to get all hurt like that, but now that she had, it was all that I could think ’bout if there was a God, I prayed for her to be okay, for nothin’ to be wrong with her that couldn’t be fixed.

  I knew it was too much to ask that she might forgive me someday.

  “Charlie Boy.”

  I knew Ben was in the room when I felt his hand on my shoulder. But then I realized that Yuri and Polo were with him and from the way they were standing that they had some kinda plan.

  “She alive, Charlie?” Yuri lit up a smoke and handed it to Reid.

  I was too afraid touch her neck, too yellow-bellied to look for a pulse, so instead I made myself look at her stomach, at the way it was rising and falling… but just barely.

  “Yeah,” I croaked out. “She’s alive.”

  “Damn it!” The second Reid said it, though, I heard Yuri smack him upside the head.

  “Charlie,” Ben started, “why don’t you go ahead and get cleaned up before we go? I think we can handle the rest of this—”

  “I ain’t gonna leave her again.”

  And it was true. I wasn’t.

  “Charlie,” Yuri said, “she probably won’t make it.”

  “M—maybe we should take her to a hospital.”

  Ben sighed, and I guess maybe I couldn’t blame him. Even I knew a hospital or one of those urgent care places was out of the question. Hell, even animal doctors were covered with cameras and swarmed with security alarms. “You know we can’t do that, Polo. We can’t take her anywhere.”

  “Hey, Boss?” Yuri was whispering something to Ben.

  “Hmm. Maybe… Charlie?” Ben tapped me on the shoulder, but I was only half-listening. Now that I was looking at her again, that was all I could do. “If nothing else, you don’t have to concern yourself with Wallace anymore. We’ve decided to cut him out—”

  Already, I broke my promise to her ’cause I stormed out just at the use of that name being said out loud. I couldn’t believe that I had left him alive—giving him a chance to live a second longer. But I’d remedy that right that second; I’d bash his head in with my boot ’til l I saw nothing but skull and brains. I’d—

  But it was too late. He was already gone.

  ***

  I had taken her straight to my cabin when we got on board; ignoring the weird looks I got from everybody, the way they smirked at each other like it was all one big joke. I didn’t give a damn what they all thought. As far as I was concerned, she was my only concern.

  “Polo, my man,” I said with her still in my arms. “Se
nd a couple of cups of joe to my cabin every hour, okay?”

  “Sure thing, Charlie.” He nodded ’til I thought his head might fall off then started running backwards up the stairs. “Sure, sure! No problem.”

  I was real awkward once I got her to my cabin. I knew she needed to be laying down, and that the bed was the only option, put it felt weird to put her on my bed without anybody else around. Carrying her around made me feel like a caveman as it was and it only got worse when I actually did lay her down. At the same time, I didn’t trust her anywhere else.

  I didn’t think I could feel no worse ’til I realized how dirty my bed probably was. A nice, clean girl, shoulda had equally nice, clean things, and there she was, stuck with me—trapped to die in a dark, dank, lame ass cabin with nobody around she loved. I didn’t have a whole lotta morals, but I didn’t think that was right, neither.

  I shook my hair out but felt the chipped blood from my hand come undone. I picked out the pieces as best I could, but it still didn’t get me real far. With my arms up, I could smell my armpits too, which was none too pleasant.

  “Polo!” I shouted, grabbing him as he galloped his way down the hall. “I need another favor.”

  “Okay, okay, o—”

  “Quiet, Polo”

  I picked some clothes outta my trunk, not caring too much that they were wrinkled and faded. Hey, at least they were clean, right?

  “Just stand outside this door for a little while until I get back and don’t let nobody in. Okay?”

  “Okay. Where you going?”

  I frowned and held up my clothes. “Candle makin’. Where in the hell do you think I’m going?”

  He cackled like I had said the funniest thing in the world and I thought for a second he was trying to peek his head in to look at her. I got rid of his curiosity real quick though by stepping outside and slamming the door in his face. For good measure I also made sure to give him a look that made real clear I didn’t want him to bother her.

  “Listen up, Polo. I’m gonna be back real soon okay? J-just count to 500, and if I’m not back by then, you holler for Yuri to come and find me. But no matter what happens, you don’t leave this door.”