See Me Not: A gripping psychological thriller with a heartbreaking twist.

by Janelle Harris

  Jane rubs the back of her head, and when she takes her hand back down, I can see blood streaked across her fingers. She doesn’t acknowledge it. Instead, she strips off her coat and lays it flat on the ground at her feet. She hops from one foot to the other like a child unable to contain their excitement on Christmas morning.

  ‘It’s a sled,’ she says, bouncing.

  Her eyes dance in their sockets as if she’s high or drunk; a telltale sign that she’s lost her mind completely.

  ‘No,’ I contradict sharply, backing away. ‘It’s a coat. Just. A. Coat. Jane. We’re not kids. We’re not about to play together in the snow. You can’t rewrite the past. You just can’t.’

  Jane lunges towards me and grabs a clump of my hair as she drags me back towards her waiting coat. My feet scramble to keep up, and I skid repeatedly.

  ‘I want to go sledding,’ Jane bellows. ‘Sit down.’

  I squint and glance behind me at the door that has blown open to reveal the stairwell leading back onto the sanctuary of the third floor. I’d never make it down before Jane caught me. I lower myself carefully onto her coat and resign myself to riding her manic episode out.

  Jane bends down, grabs the edges of her coat, and drags it and me across the ground. I’m heavier than she must have anticipated, and she groans fiercely as she tugs. The snow covering underneath me is not thick enough for the coat to glide smoothly. My bottom and thighs scrape along the rough, stony felt roof, but Jane doesn’t give up.

  I scream loudly as she swings me dangerously close to the edge, more than once.

  ‘Jane, stop, please,’ I plead, attempting to stand up, but she presses my shoulder. I yelp, realising it’s possibly dislocated, and I quickly sit back down.

  ‘I’m scared,’ I finally admit.

  Jane lets go of her coat and reaches an open hand out to me. I grab on with my good hand, and she pulls me to my feet.

  ‘See,’ she says, smiling wryly. ‘Now, wasn’t that fun?’

  I look back at the coat. It’s frayed and has jagged holes in various places. I have corresponding tears in my jeans. My thighs burn where the roof surface has shaved my skin raw.

  I try to shake my hand free from Jane’s, but she has a grip so tight her nails are digging into my flesh. She’s much stronger than I am, and my efforts to free myself amuse her. Jane takes a couple of steps backwards, her eyes locked on mine. I dig my heels into the ground, but my efforts are futile as I slide with her regardless. The wind roars in the alleyway between this building and the next, scaling the bricks to reach the rooftop with temper. Huge, angry gusts blow my hair across my face almost blinding me.

  ‘Do you ever think about what it’s like?’ Jane asks, her back mere meters from the edge.

  ‘What what is like?’

  ‘Dying. Do you think it’s peaceful?’

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t think about it,’ I lie.

  ‘Let’s find out. You and me, together, right now.’

  ‘Jane. Stop it. You’re scaring me.’

  ‘C,mon, Emma. Let’s fly.’

  ‘No,’ I bellow, trying desperately to free my hand from hers. ‘I don’t want to die.’

  ‘Yes, you do.’ Jane grins. ‘Danny told me about all your suicide attempts, and how he was so proud of you for overcoming your demons, blah, blah, fucking blah.’

  ‘Did you push Danny?’ I ask, my heart aching as I cling onto his name on my lips.

  Tears trickle down Jane’s cheeks, and she squeezes my hand even tighter. Jane’s melancholy eyes blink. She’s wearing the pain of loss and guilt openly in the scrunched up lines of her forehead and in her lips that are subtly parted and turned down ever so slightly at the edges.

  ‘It was an accident.’ She trembles. ‘I didn’t mean to. He fell.’

  I shake my head. ‘No,’ I growl. ‘Danny was careful. He knew that platform like the back of his hand. He would never put himself in danger. He would never intentionally get too close to the edge. I know you pushed him.’

  ‘He wanted to go. He left a letter.’

  ‘No.’ I swallow. ‘You did. You wrote it, didn’t you? You wrote it knowing I would read it and then all your ramblings would make sense. You killed our father.’

  Jane jerks her arm back, dragging me forward. I scream loudly as I lunge terrifyingly close to the edge. For a split second, I think this is it. Today is the day I will die, and based on my history, everyone will think I jumped. Jane Burke will take my life, and no one will know. Just like she took Danny’s.

  ‘Emma. Emma. Stop. Wait. Don’t do this.’ David’s voice carries across the rooftop and wraps around me like a warm blanket.

  I turn my head towards his familiar sound and begin to sob loudly as I see my husband making his way across the roof with baby steps. He has one hand raised with his palm open and pressed against an invisible wall, like a policeman directing traffic.

  ‘Stop,’ he repeats. ‘Please. Stop.’

  Jane laughs. ‘See. Even your husband thinks you’re going to jump. And he thinks you’re going to drag me with you, you crazy bitch.’

  I shake my head, knowing Jane is right. David probably believes I’m the villain in this scene. And it’s all my fault. I’ve given him every reason to doubt me over the years.

  David creeps forward slowly; taking care not to spook us. He must be terrified, I imagine, but he’s hiding it well.

  ‘Stay there,’ Jane bellows. ‘Don’t come any closer.’

  David freezes instantly. His eyes search for mine, and we gaze at each other, saying more than words ever could. And I realise he knows everything. We’re one soul. Two bodies. He understands. Thank God.

  A truck grunts in the laneway below us. I guess it’s struggling to battle its way back onto the main road against the artic conditions. It chugs and grumbles and the noise of the wheels spinning on the ice carries softly to the rooftop. The driver shouldn’t have come down the laneway. It’s narrow and a challenge to manoeuvre for a vehicle that size even on a bright summer’s day. Snow and ice make handling the heavy machine almost impossible. But the truck roars more. I hear voices and shouting as people come to help. They heave and push as the engine bellows, working in unison to free the truck. Within seconds, I hear the truck drive away. I don’t miss the metaphor, and I look at the sky as if I will see Danny’s face smiling back at me telling me he sent the message. The truck driver made a mistake. His load was too heavy for the narrow laneway. He couldn’t have made it back out alone. But he didn’t have to. People came to help. There’s always help. You just have to accept it. I just have to accept it.

  ‘Amber, look at me,’ David says sternly, and I feel Jane’s grip loosening as she offers David her attention. ‘Please don’t hurt my wife. I’m begging you.’

  Jane snorts and a little sticky saliva flies through the air. ‘She was my sister before she was your wife.’

  ‘I know. I know.’ David nods. ‘But she doesn’t belong to either of us.’

  ‘I have nothing,’ Jane retches. ‘Nothing. No one.’

  ‘Jane,’ I say, waiting for her head to turn back towards me. ‘We can find Marley.’

  Jane’s narrow, comma-shaped eyes glisten, and her shoulders shake as she cries loudly for the child she gave up.

  ‘We can search foster and adoption records,’ I suggest. ‘Stuff like that is easy to trace on the internet. David and I can help you.’

  ‘Amber,’ David whispers. ‘We have a friend. A cop. He has connections. He can help us. We can all look for Marley together. But you need to step away from the edge and come inside.’

  ‘I would have been a good mother.’ Jane shakes. ‘We could have been happy. But Will killed himself. He said he loved me, but how could he if he killed himself? And I had nothing. Nothing. I didn’t even have somewhere to live.’

  Jane’s grip on my hand relaxes as she talks, and I concentrate on gently wriggling away from her. I’m desperate for David to keep her talking. Keep her distracted.

  ‘I
loved my baby so much I couldn’t keep him. But you.’ Jane’s eyes burn into me like hot coals. ‘You loved yourself so much you didn’t even give your baby a chance. You think I’m a monster. But you’re the real villain.’

  I have no words. There’s nothing to say. David stands still and silent also. And I wonder if his heart is as heavy as mine is with the thoughts of the child we never knew.

  ‘I gave my son away because I wanted him to have a better life than I could ever offer him,’ Jane says. ‘You see, I loved him. I loved him as he grew inside me. And the day he was born, I thought my heart would explode. He was so like his father. He was beautiful.’

  ‘Jane … I …’ I begin.

  ‘Shut up and listen,’ Jane instructs.

  I close my mouth and nod.

  ‘I signed the adoption papers when he was four days old. Four days. Just four days. He was so tiny and new. They said I did the right thing. They said it was a brave decision as if I deserved a goddamn medal or something. They gave him to a family in Kansas. I never saw him again.’

  ‘They were right,’ David says. ‘You did do the right thing.’

  ‘Really?’ Jane darkens, and panic bubbles inside me. I don’t know what she wants to hear. How can we talk her down if we don’t know what to say?

  ‘Marley is dead,’ Jane cries, the cold air sticking her dry lips to her teeth. ‘He died three months before his fourth birthday. It was a farming accident. So no, David, it wasn’t the right thing to fucking do.’

  ‘I’m very sorry,’ David breathes. ‘No one should ever lose a child.’

  ‘But I did.’ Heavy sobs shake Jane’s body. ‘I thought giving him up would give the best chance at a happy life. But he died. He died because I didn’t keep him. He died. My baby died.’

  ‘I can’t imagine how hard that must be for you,’ David continues.

  Jane’s grip once again strengthens and crushes my fingers she still holds. ‘Yes, you can. You lost a child too. Didn’t you? That bitch …’ Jane’s eyes flick from David to me. ‘She stole your child from you. You must hate her.’

  David shakes his head slowly. ‘I don’t hate my wife.’

  ‘I do,’ Jane says, taking a huge step backwards.

  We’re so close to the edge that vertigo threatens to drag me over the brink if Jane doesn’t.

  ‘I hate you,’ Jane insists. ‘I was a good kid. My father should have loved me. But he didn’t. He loved you. I tried everything to earn his love. Everything. But you were always there in the background having your fucking cups of tea. I was an addict, and it made him sick. But you are a murderer. Our father loved the wrong child. He should have loved me.’

  ‘Jane, I didn’t steal Danny from you. I never even knew he had kids. He was lonely, and I liked spending time with him. That’s all.’

  ‘When I told my father I was pregnant, he looked at me with disgust. I was high, as always, and he was ashamed of the woman I had grown up to become. He didn’t think I could get myself clean. He didn’t believe in me. Danny was the reason I put Marley up for adoption. I didn’t want to screw up my son the way my parents had screwed me up. I wanted to be better than they were. It was all his fault.’

  ‘Did you tell Danny about Marely’s accident?’ I swallow.

  ‘Yes,’ Jane says. ‘He needed to know. He needed to know that he killed my boy.’

  ‘Jane, Danny didn’t kill anyone. And I don’t believe he killed himself,’ I whisper.

  ‘I got clean. I did it. But it was too late. Too late for Marley.’ Jane foams at the mouth. ‘I spent the last year searching for him. Hours and hours on the internet. Endless phone calls. I thought I was getting close but all the time I was getting close to a grave. My baby’s grave. I went straight to the train station. I wanted my father to hold me. To wrap his arms around me and tell me it would all be okay. I wanted him to look at me the way he so often looked at you. But he didn’t. He just walked away.’

  ‘He felt responsible,’ I say, my heart sinking into the pit of my stomach.

  ‘He shouldn’t have turned his back on me,’ Jane barks. ‘My son died because of him.’

  ‘Your son died because of an accident, Jane. An accident. It was no one’s fault. Not Danny’s and not yours.’

  David edges forward. He’s inches from me. I could reach out and touch him if I tried. Jane doesn’t seem to notice. She too fired up on hate and jealousy to see past me.

  ‘I got clean.’ Jane sours. ‘I haven’t touched alcohol or drugs in five years. I could have kept my son. I could have given him a good life, but no one believed in me. I didn’t even believe in myself. And now, I have no one.’

  ‘Did you push Danny?’ I cry.

  ‘He shouldn’t have turned his back on me. Not again.’

  ‘Did you push him?’ My voice is so loud and rough, the words charge like cavalry out of my mouth.

  ‘I didn’t know a train was coming.’ Jane trembles. ‘I swear.’

  ‘You did. Oh, my God, you did.’

  ‘He shouldn’t have turned his back on me,’ Jane repeats like a broken record. ‘He shouldn’t have done it.’

  My body shakes uncontrollably, but it’s not because of my icy, snow-speckled clothes. I hate her. I really, truly despise the woman who took Danny from this world. Ill or not, I can’t forgive her for that.

  ‘We may have the same blood running through our veins, but I am nothing like you, Jane. Nothing. You can go to hell.’

  Jane’s lips twitch, and her smile oozes a terrifying malice. Before I have time to think about what I’m doing, I spit in her face.

  ‘With pleasure,’ Jane snarls, ‘but I’m taking you with me.’

  I dig my heels into the ground, and my eyes seek out David. He’s nodding, and I know he’s got me. He has to have me.

  ‘People die as they lived,’ David exhales. ‘Funny people die with their last joke lingering in the air. Strong people die fighting for that last breath. Sad people die with regret lacing their last moments. We all die with a tattoo of our life on our soul. Don’t let your tattoo be hate, Jane. Don’t be so consumed by a life you could have lived that you destroy any chance of changing the one you are living.’

  ‘Oh, that’s good.’ Jane laughs loudly. ‘Did you read that on a bumper sticker?’

  ‘Yeah, something like that.’ David swallows. ‘Jane, look at me. This isn’t the end. Not here. Not like this.’

  But Jane doesn’t look at David. She looks at me.

  ‘I see so much of me in you, Emma. My eyes. My feisty spirit. My father.’ Jane’s fingers are sweaty and hot. Her temper is driving fire through her body. Despite her best efforts, she’s struggling to keep a firm grip on me.

  Jane tosses her head towards the sky and allows some snowflakes to fall onto her nose. I manage to wriggle my clammy fingers free while she’s distracted. Within a split second, Jane’s eyes are back on me, and she’s reaching for a grip of my clothes. But all she catches are fistfuls of air. David’s arm is firmly around my waist tucking my back against his chest. I can fell his hot breath against the top of my head, and his panicked heart is beating so fiercely I think it might jump out of his chest and into mine.

  Jane’s feet seesaw on the edge of the rooftop. She throws her arms out to her side and helicopters her hands around and around, struggling to keep her balance. Her eyes are wide and terrified, and for a fleeting moment, I see the girl whose life betrayed her. I see the girl who lost a child. The girl who should be my sister. And I reach for her. My fingers brush the cotton of her apron, and if I clasp my hand now, I’ll just about catch hold of her. But with my next breath, I find myself bending my elbow and pulling my arm away. David’s grip around my waist tightens, and despite how much he trembles, I know he has me. I know he won’t let go. Jane looks at me head-on and takes a huge, deep breath. I can see her chest swell. Her eyes never move off mine, and neither of us dares to blink. She exhales slowly and sharply, her hot breath dancing across the cold air like a cloud. And then, she
’s gone.

  The rooftop suddenly grows to enormity. The howling wind pauses as if to offer its respects. And for a moment, the world doesn’t spin. At some point, David must have pulled me away from the edge. Because when the world begins to move again, we’re sitting tangled together in the centre of the icy rooftop.

  Commotion chimes in the alleyway below. Screams and hollers ring in my ears. Footsteps race to help. People don’t understand. The carnage scares them. Within minutes, sirens loop in the distance, growing closer all the time. Hurrying as if it’s not too late. Racing to help Jane now, the way no one came to help her when she was alive. Tears trickle down my cheeks. I will never forget the look in her eyes just before she left this world.

  Chapter Forty-One

  EMMA

  ‘You came to find me,’ I cry, turning my face into David’s chest as we sit in the back of an ambulance.

  The rear doors are wide open, but the wind doesn’t seem brave enough to creep in here.

  ‘I will always come, Emma.’ David strokes my hair. ‘Always.’

  ‘Is that okay?’ a paramedic asks as she adjusts the IV line running into my arm. ‘We’re getting some fluids into you. You should feel better soon.’

  ‘I’m fine, really.’

  She looks at David and smiles softly, telling him she doesn’t believe me. But David believes me. I can feel it.

  Someone has wrapped a blanket around my shoulders. I don’t know if it was a paramedic or a random passer-by on the street trying to help. Everything is a blur. I’ve no recollection of leaving the rooftop or of walking onto the street. My injured left shoulder is strapped and steadied in a sling that ties around the back of my neck. And the cuts and scrapes on my legs have been cleaned up a little, probably with something antibacterial.

  ‘We’re going to move soon, Emma,’ the young, friendly paramedic says. ‘Will you be okay if we close the doors now or do you need a little longer?’