Breaking Elle

by Antoinette Candela

  “Cane has been downstairs waiting on the porch to talk to you,” My mother says, turning to me.

  “Tyler told me,” I say, unable to control my thoughts. “I don’t know what to say anymore. Just a few days ago, he talked about never hurting us again. Is this what he meant? Because I’m hurting,” I say, holding back the torrent of tears I’ve been trying to keep at bay. “It hurts to let him go, but it hurts more that I can’t trust him, that he didn’t think enough of us to keep him from cheating.” I glance at her, hoping she realizes that what I’m saying is for the both of us, that we deserve more than this. Better than this.

  “Honey... I–”

  Looking away from her, I shout, “I don’t want to end up like you!” I say the words without thinking; they come out in a rush. The words hang in the silence, suffocating. I regret my comment immediately. I hazard a glance to apologize, but she hides her face from me. “Mom, I didn’t mean it.”

  “Elle, it’s okay. I haven’t been successful at my own relationships.” She slowly turns to me. Her voice waivers for a moment, as if it’s finally hit her too.

  “I thought Cane was the one even after the first time. I thought we were strong.” I whisper, twisting my hair. I’ve put everything into my relationship with him. I feel all of it has been wasted.” I haven’t talked to my mom lately about my relationship since I thought everything was going so well, even with the feelings that I experienced for Reed and the way he affected me. With her wrapped up in her own drama, I don’t want to burden her with mine.

  “I know that feeling.” She sits on the edge of the bed. “There are going to be moments like this. This may be your first but not your last. This may be an opportunity for you to break away and find out what it all means. To find out what’ll make you happy. Talk to Cane. It’s going to painful for you both, but maybe something good will come from this, something better. We all deserve that,” she whispers. Her eyes have a distant look as if she’s not just speaking for just of my relationship with Cane, but her own as well.

  “Mom, I’m scared. I love Cane.”

  “I know, honey.” She rests her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t rush into anything you’re unsure of, but don’t run away when you feel something. Don’t be afraid to try if something feels right or makes you happy.”

  She speaks from experience because she has endured the same pain. “Tell him I’ll be down in a minute,” I say in a voice barely above whisper. I’m so drained from crying and still unsure of what I’m going to say to him, but I need to move past this.

  She rises, glancing over her shoulder as she heads to the door. “Elle, don’t let this break you; let it make you stronger.” She disappears leaving me in the shadows with the last of daylight streaming through my closed blinds. I’m going to break out of this emotional prison tonight, but it won’t be easy.

  My heart aches as I look at him wringing his hands in his lap, looking vulnerable and regretful. Why did he do it? He notices the look in my eye when I step outside. I want to run up to him, wrap my arms around his neck, and kiss him, but I know that isn’t what needs to happen. Hugs and kisses won’t make what he did go away. He walks to me, but I retreat, wrapping my arms across my chest as I watch the pain shoot across his gorgeous face. My mouth is tight, trying to hold back the tears that want to fight their way out.

  “Babe, I’m sorry,” he whispers studying his hands.

  “Why did you do it? Why?” I ask softly. “I love you. I thought you loved me.”

  “I do.” He pleads with hesitation because he knows his actions speak otherwise. “I always will.”

  “Then how could you do it again with her? What is it about her? Two years together yet you seem to always find your way back to her.” I look into the eyes of a broken person, one who I shared so many memories with, who I wanted to share more with.

  He can’t answer me; he drops his head to his chest and rakes his hand through his hair. Then he reaches for my hand. I don’t pull away from his touch because I need it right now even after what he did. I know I can never hate him, but I know that we can’t stay together. I’m not sure which pain is worse, losing him, or staying with him while knowing that I’ll never be able to rebuild the trust that took so long to repair the first time he betrayed me.

  “I don’t have an answer. I hate that I hurt you again. I don’t want her. I want you.” He looks down at our entwined hands. “I’m losing you this time, aren’t I?” he asks softly lifting his eyes to mine.

  “I’m not sure if I’m giving you what you want since you always seem to end up with her.” I whisper, my heart tightening as I think about what I’m losing, what I’m giving up. I hate being in this position a second time.

  “You did; you’ve always given me everything. I’m just an idiot that screwed up,” he says. He swallows hard, rubbing the back of his neck.

  “Maybe you don’t know what you want. Maybe it’s not me and maybe it’s not her.” I pause. “You know I can’t do this again with you. I can’t Cane.” My voice cracks. This time I can’t hold back the tears that burn behind my eyes. My body shakes as I let them go. I feel his arms around me, his familiar touch, his breath in my hair. I feel his chest heave against my body as he sobs softly. I pull him closer, tighter because I don’t know if I’ll ever feel him like this again.

  “I’m so sorry, Elle,” he whispers as he pulls me from him to wipe the tears from my face with his thumbs. He cups my cheeks in his hands and leans down to me; his breath kisses my cheek as his lips linger over mine. The pain of knowing that the person who I love is the one causing this heartache replaces all of my anger from the other night. I can’t go back. I turn my head and press my cheek against his chest, feeling the warmth of his embrace probably for the last time. That thought alone makes me cry even more.

  The balmy evening air on my skin, the rhythmic pounding of my feet on the pavement is what I need to separate me from the past few days. It was so tough to break it off with Cane. I don’t want to experience this pain ever again. I don’t want to cry, but I do. The tears appear, sliding down my face, blurring the world around me as I sprint past people with no faces. Am I being tested? I always thought I knew what I wanted, what I needed, only to find out that it was a mistake. Will I ever trust again?

  I watch the sun torch the horizon sending purple and pink waves of color across the sky. I realize that I’ve run past the track and have ended up at Linden Park. I open the gate feeling as if I’m trespassing on Reed’s hallowed ground, and remembering how peaceful it was when I first visited here with him. I feel it sweep over me again, unable to escape the memory of him.

  “Elle?”

  My knees tremble at the sound of the voice. I turn in the direction of the gazebo where Reed stands half hidden in the shadows, arms folded across his chest watching me. His expression changes from worry to surprise and he smiles.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, smiling sadly.

  “This is my spot remember?” How can I forget? His eyes glimmer under the summer moon, his hair disheveled as if he just woke up. “Are you okay?” He pins me with his gaze.

  “I... I just couldn’t sleep.”

  He shrugs, steps towards me, and then stops short. “Were you crying?” I nod my head, fighting back the tears. “Elle?” He steps into the light.

  “I can’t. I just–” I suck in the sweet summer air. “–can’t”. But you came here hoping he would be here. You felt something that night; that’s why you came back. Don’t ignore this. He exhales a loud sigh that raises the hairs on the back of my neck, making my body weak. Why does he affect me this way? I shake my head not knowing what to feel, concentrating on the light that falls on his face, his eyes lucid and clear.

  But I do know what I want; I want him to make me forget, and I can’t deny it. My heartbeat accelerates, my body trembles in anticipation of feeling the heat between us. Part of me wants to run, but the other part wants to stay to see how everything plays out, if he feels what I’ve been fe
eling.

  “Why is this so hard?” I question, gesturing between us, trying to find my voice.

  “I can’t fight this anymore, Elle. I can’t. “ He approaches, our bodies inches apart.

  “I can’t do this. I don’t know if I can trust anymore.” I turn to go, but he grabs my hand and turns me to face him. My breath catches in my throat as he places his mouth over mine. His hand slowly traces my arm, pulling me into him. I lean forward and kiss him back. His eyes widen then his lips part, his mouth warm and firm against mine. He stares at me. I feel his warm breath and see his incredibly tender blue eyes.

  “Can you truthfully say that you don’t feel this? That this attraction is all in my head? He whispers urgently. “Don’t think, tell me. Tell me what your heart wants to say and not what your head is trying to make you believe.” He holds his breath, cupping my cheek in his hand. “Yes?” he murmurs.

  “Yes,” I whisper. He kisses me again, deep and hungry, and when he slowly pulls away, I open my eyes. As he gently pushes the hair away from my face, he says, “You’re so beautiful.” He holds me there for a minute, searching my face, his breath soft on my skin as he traces the line of my jaw with his finger. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to do that.”

  “What happens now?” I choke, feeling an overwhelming feeling of confusion.

  He wraps me in his arms, his heartbeat thudding against my cheek as he exhales deeply. He pulls me away to look in my eyes. “Let go. Be reckless. Don’t look back. We can have each other if you want it. You’ll never get a chance like this again.”

  I gently pull away. “I can’t do this. Why can’t I do this?” I sob, feeling the tears wet my face as he grabs me and pulls me back against his chest, rocking me back and forth.

  “What can’t you do?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore or what I’m feeling,” I turn searching his face for answers. I feel this overwhelming sense of danger that’s he’s going to suck me into pure chaos and confusion. But for some reason I need him. He needs me. We need each other. “I wish I could tell you everything, but I don’t want to hurt again. I don’t want temporary happiness.”

  “Elle, don’t be scared. I can give you what you want because I want that, too.” He pauses and takes my hand. “I didn’t do this to you. I only want to take it away. Let me take it away. Give me a chance.” His hands are shaking, and his expression is so intense that I have to look away. “I’m not going to force you. I needed to tell you how I feel, and now that you know, it’s up to you. I’ll leave it up to you. I’ll follow your lead.” He whispers, slowly releasing me from his hold to decide.

  I have to try. Deep down this is what I want. If I don’t give it a chance, I could lose this. I’ve seen the pain that my mom has endured and now my own pain with Cane. I can’t let what’s happened in the past jeopardize something with him. The emotions I’m feeling for him are overwhelming, but I don’t know if I can stomach any more pain or loss in my life. Part of me wants to be with him, but the other part needs time to heal.

  I look up at him, “Reed.”

  “Elle, you have my word. I know you feel it, what I feel.” His eyes churn with emotion as he waits. Unable to respond, I simply nod as he kisses me on the forehead. “I will wait for you, and when you’re ready, I’ll be here.” He smiles, stepping away from me. I can no longer reach him. I can no longer see him.

  “Wait, Reed, wait,” I whisper painfully. I bolt upright in my bed, tangled in my sheets, tightly gripping my pillow and my face flushed with sweat. My eyes burn from crying so many tears, my body tenses trying to remember the kiss, his words, before the dream completely fades from my memory. I’ve lost Cane and now dream of Reed. He’s so unpredictable, so not for me. Maybe what I need to do is step away for a little while and focus on me, on what I need and truly want. Tomorrow will be the beginning of something. It will be rough, but if I don’t find myself now, I’ll be lost forever.

  What the hell was Cane thinking? How could he hurt her like that? The look on her face when she ran out made me want to punch something. She didn’t deserve that, and I was glad I wasn’t the one who had to tell her. She would have found out anyway. Evelyn has a big mouth, and it would have been all over the center soon enough. I know the deal with that shit and it doesn’t feel good to get caught or to get hurt. Nobody wins.

  I walked by her house; I had to make sure she was okay. I wanted to see her. When I saw Cane on the porch, it looked like she was saying goodbye. She looked so sad, but so gorgeous. That was painful. This girl is fucking with my mind, and I haven’t even touched her the way I want to. This is torture. I wish I could talk to her, comfort her. Cane, man, what the hell were you thinking? You’re a good guy, but not too bright to risk losing Elle, and like that. I’d be damned if I’d fuck up with a woman like that.

  I wave down the bartender for another beer, trying to drown my own problems. I lost big time at the casino. I’m in a bigger hole than when I started. Shit is starting to go in the wrong direction. My luck hasn’t been this bad for a long time. Things are getting bad fast and I don’t have a plan. I have nothing. My luck needs to change and in a hurry.

  “Hey!” Luke bellows, slapping me on the shoulder, freeing me from my mental wrestling match.

  “Luke, am I gonna have to carry your drunk ass out tonight?” I frown, glancing over my shoulder into his bloodshot eyes. Looking past him, I notice the amount of people inside the bar has doubled since we got here.

  “Na,” he answers, his arm slung over a stunning redhead in a black dress. “Cindy will take care of me, right Cin?” She flashes me a sinful look before she responds to Luke. I don’t react. Cin, I laugh. Ain’t that some shit. I turn back to my beer and my problems.

  Luke flips his head in the direction of Cindy’s friend who’s playing pool. Her short dress is gaining the attention of every guy in the room. She looks over, giving me more of a show. Most nights I’d be off my stool, putting on the moves, saying all the things she wants to hear to get what I want. She’s a hot little piece of ass, yet I feel nothing tonight. Not a damn thing. I shake my head and return to my drink.

  My shit’s all messed up. I finish my beer and order a shot from the bartender. Times like this I wish I had someone. Life can get lonely when you don’t have that one person. I miss that. But I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who’ll be able to deal with my baggage. My shit is too much for me sometimes, let alone someone I might care.

  “Hey, handsome.”

  I don’t respond. I wait for the bartender to place my shot in front of me. I slam it down and order another one before I turn around.

  “Wanna play?” I wince when the sweet syrupy voice fills my ears. Oh man, why the hell do chicks do that?

  I smile at the tall, slender brunette while keeping my eyes steady and north of her neck. Fuck! Normally, I’d be all over a chick like this. I don’t know if it’s losing at the casino, or Elle that’s got me all wacked out.

  “Depends on what you wanna play.” I relent with a tight smile. I can’t do this tonight. I down my shot letting the burn hit my gut. What the hell? I yell for the bartender, order a couple more shots, and hand one to my new friend nodding for her to join me.

  “To bad luck.” I raise my glass, sarcastically.

  “It can change tonight,” she coyly bites her lower lip. She clinks her glass with mine before throwing back the shot, gracefully placing the empty glass on the bar as her bracelets jingle. “Come on, let’s dance.” She grabs my hand and I get this feeling of déjà vu as she pushes through the crowd onto the dance floor. This is how it all started last time.

  “I can’t.” I drop her hand, anxiously rubbing my brow.

  She spins to me, a playful smile spreading across her face. “Just one dance. I promise I’ll be gentle.” She bats her eyelashes as she grabs my arm with both hands. The alcohol runs through my veins. My eyes blur as I notice her red heels, my favorite color. “Your friend told me you do
n’t have a girlfriend.” She gives me her best bedroom eyes and all I do is think of Elle-in my bedroom.

  “I don’t.” But that doesn’t mean I don’t want one. “Just one song.” I reply, not wanting to be a jerk. I never thought I’d see the day where I would decline sex. Not since Campbell. But even with her, I didn’t feel it. Nothing like what I feel for Elle. I can’t stop thinking about her. I know what I want now. I can’t wait for this song to finish so I can get out of here.

  “What are you doing after this?” She asks.

  “Leaving.”

  “There’s a party at my friends’ house.” She peeks at me through her long lashes. “Come with me.” I numbly look into her desperate eyes.

  “No, I have to go.” I could feel the five beers and the shots kicking in. I look down at her pleading eyes and pouty lips, thinking I can have this girl the split second I get in my truck. We’d never make it to a damn party or even out of the parking lot.

  “Are you sure? I’ll order you another beer, and then you can decide.” She smiles mischievously.

  I shake my head. If I have another beer, I wouldn’t be able to keep from gazing down her dress. If I had another one after that, we’d probably go back to my place. I’d take off her clothes, we’d roll into my bed, and all with my eyes shut because I’d be picturing Elle.

  Cane just left the door wide open for me, for anybody. He must be going out of his mind right now, losing her. I know I’d be. I’m not going to fuck up again. If I do something crazy again, I can kiss my only chance goodbye. I decline the brunette’s invitation and take a cab home alone. If I’m going to have any possibility with Elle then I need to change my ways little by little starting tonight.