He deserved regret.
The courtyard was just ahead, lit by hundreds of small lamps, and as Leo turned towards it he glimpsed a silhouetted figure leaning on the archway, her slim build as familiar as his own reflection. She turned as he neared. ‘Hey.’
‘Hey yourself.’ That leap of his heart, that lightening in his chest, they didn’t mean anything other than his libido springing into life. Keep telling yourself that, di Marquez. ‘You’ve been elusive this evening.’
‘I had an errand to run.’ Anna didn’t return his smile, her eyes solemn in the lamplight. ‘Leo, can we sit? I need to talk to you.’
‘Sure, do you want a drink?’
‘No, I’m not thirsty. Let’s go find somewhere quieter, less busy.’ She cast a quick look at the far table where her parents sat with Rosa and Jude, a board game set out on the table. Usually Leo would scoff at so cosy a scene, but tonight he was filled with a desire to walk over, pull up a chair and join in the teasing game, accuse Sancia of cheating with the rest of her family and challenge Professor Gray on every obscure academic word he insisted was within the rules.
It was a good thing their idyll was nearing its end. He was getting soft, weak, reverting to the needy boy he had once been.
Anna led the way through the trimmed-back greenery to the small beach at the furthest end of the island. There was no jetty here, no boats, no bar, the nearest bungalow a five-minute walk away. It had always been her favourite spot, she’d told him once, because it was quiet, facing out towards the sea, only the horizon in sight. It was so dark she had to use a torch to guide them there, but once they were on the beach the moon shone down and the tiny cove was illuminated by a thousand stars. Leo inhaled sharply, the beauty of the night cutting straight through the layers of cynicism, of irony, of humour with which he protected himself.
‘There’s no easy way of saying this.’ Anna didn’t make a move to sit down on the wooden loungers, invitingly laid out on the soft sand. Instead she stood on the very edge of the beach, her hands twisting together. The moon shone down, transforming her into a naiad of the night.
Foreboding stole into Leo, strong and knowing. Their idyll was over.
‘Anna, what’s wrong?’
She swallowed, but when she spoke her voice was clear. ‘I’m pregnant. I’m sorry, Leo, but it’s yours. I’m having your baby.’
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
FOR ONE SECOND, one tiny split second, Leo was aware of nothing but joy. Of hope, of redemption. But before he had a chance to register the feeling reality crashed back, cold and bitter.
What did he, Leo di Marquez, know about being a father? He, an unwanted son, an unworthy brother, untrustworthy lover? What did a man who couldn’t commit to a home know about family? A man who knew nothing about love. Nonetheless, he knew his duty. ‘Are you sure?’
The moment he spoke, the moment he saw Anna flinch—at his cold words, his cold tone—Leo knew the die was cast. In a way he was relieved; after all, it couldn’t be any other way.
‘I wouldn’t tell you otherwise.’ No, she wouldn’t want to share fears or worries with him. They weren’t a team after all. ‘Turns out even I can’t be careful enough. I don’t know how it happened...’ She swallowed, her eyes glistening in the moonlight before she snapped them shut, and when they opened her face was set. Determined. ‘Don’t worry, Leo. If you don’t want to be involved you don’t have to be. I’m quite capable of doing this alone. It’s not the first time after all.’ She looked so sad, standing alone in the moonlight, that Leo had to clench his fists to stop himself from heading over to comfort her. He had no right. He wanted no right. He could do this, but it had to be on his terms.
‘I told you, Anna. I don’t want a long-term relationship. I don’t intend to have children. The family name dies with me.’
‘You should have thought of that before. I didn’t impregnate myself,’ she snapped back and a small part of him applauded her courage, her fire. But he carried on as if she hadn’t spoken.
‘However, I know what has to be done, what has to be right. We will be married of course. You and the child will be under my protection.’ He stood, straight and tall, and willed her to understand. This was all he had. All he was. But it was everything.
She didn’t say anything for a long while and all Leo could do was stand and wait, trying to quell the myriad emotions jostling for prominence inside him, trying to shut them all down. Finally Anna sighed, a deep, bone-weary sigh, and wandered over to the nearest lounger, perching on it like a wary bird who knew it might need to escape at any time. ‘I can’t believe that this has happened again. That despite every precaution...’ She paused, visibly fighting for control. When she spoke again, however, her voice was steady. ‘I told myself all those years ago that I would never allow myself to be vulnerable again. That I would be focussed and strong. That I would never deviate from the plan, because I knew that way lay heartbreak. And then I met you...’
Silence fell and Leo welcomed it. Let every second excoriate him. He deserved it.
‘I knew you were trouble. A poor little rich boy masquerading as a pirate, but I was so bloody sick of doing the right thing, I thought a few weeks out of the rigid life I allow myself wouldn’t hurt, not if I was careful, not if I weighed up every risk and mitigated for it. I’m a fool.’
Every word fell straight onto his heart and left its own scar. How could he contradict her? She had put her faith, her trust in him and he had nothing for her except a tarnished name.
‘But, you know what, Leo? I’ll be fine this time. I will do everything I can to nourish and carry this baby to term, and if I manage that, then I will love it and raise him or her to have compassion along with confidence. To dare to reach out for what they want, but not to trample others while they do it. And I’ll teach them to love. Because that’s the greatest gift I can give them. I’m sorry that you weren’t given that gift. I’m sorry that you feel it’s too late.’
She got to her feet and looked directly at him and Leo shivered at the sadness in her gaze, sadness for him, not because of him, and all the more devastating for that. ‘Goodbye, Leo.’
She turned as if to leave. Had she not heard? ‘Anna? You don’t have to do this alone. I will marry you. I will be a father to your child.’
‘Do you love me, Leo?’ Her voice was so soft he could barely make out the words above the roar of the waves.
Love? He didn’t even know what love was. But he owed her too much to lie. ‘Love isn’t what’s important here...’
She shook her head, dark tendrils caressing the nape of her neck. ‘Love is all that matters, Leo. My parents couldn’t make it, couldn’t overcome all their differences even with love. How can we be a family without it? We’ll fail before we start. I appreciate the offer, I really do. I know what it has cost you. But you’re off the hook, Leo. I’m setting you free.’
And then she was gone and all he could do was stand alone in the moonlight and listen to the waves crash on the shore and wonder why, when Anna had made it so easy for him to walk away, he was rooted to the spot.
* * *
It was finally the night before the wedding. Earlier that day they had welcomed Todd, the groom, to the island, along with his family and groomsmen, and hosted a Spanish-style lunch for the entire wedding party. Four courses over several hours followed by much-needed siestas had made for the perfect introduction to the island, and Rosa had planned for beach games and a much more informal supper to be served at the beach later that evening. The informal evening would not only be fun, but crucially it gave the island staff plenty of time to prepare for the next day when another hundred guests were due to arrive and for the wedding ceremony itself, which would begin in the early evening.
Everything looked perfect. Every bungalow was ready, every tree had fairy lights threaded through it, the pagoda and central area were set up for the ceremony and
party. Valentina’s dress had arrived that day, escorted by a dressmaker who would stay until Valentina was dressed, and the chefs from Barcelona were already set up in the kitchen, working remarkably amicably with the island’s own cooks. Valentina seemed delighted, her groom’s wealthy parents approving and the bridesmaids—most of them—full of nothing but praise. If they could provide this level of service to the rest of the guests then the island’s future would be secure. For now at least.
Four weeks of hard work coming to a climax. And all Anna could feel was limp relief. That was all she could allow herself to feel. Opening up the floodgates would come later, when she allowed herself the indulgence. For now all she could do was look at the unexpected turn her life was taking and do what she did best: plan. Notebooks filled with lists, budgets, ideas.
She hadn’t seen Leo alone since two nights ago, keeping herself busy behind the scenes, but she knew he hadn’t come to look for her once. He’d caught her eye today, at the lunch, when Anna had come out from the kitchen to check everything was okay. Her gaze had flown straight to him, despite herself; he’d sat with Todd’s parents, but it was as if he had sensed her the second she stepped into the courtyard, his eyes instantly finding hers. Nausea hit her, swirling deep, as she did her best to calmly meet his gaze, trying to summon up a polite smile from somewhere. Trying not to read too much into his expression, trying not to tell herself that he looked haggard, as if he hadn’t slept. Trying not to tell herself that he looked like a man facing into hell with no idea how he’d got there.
Anna knew she had to speak to him and tell him she understood. That she had met his parents. That she had held him while he slept, heard the muttered groans, enough words to know just how lost he truly was. That she knew he considered himself no more than the playboy he presented himself as, that he didn’t believe he was worthy of love. That she loved him nonetheless, but had no intention of allowing him to destroy her life or their child’s. But she couldn’t bring herself to say the words yet. That she wasn’t able to marry him, but he should be in their child’s life regardless. That somehow they would make it work.
It was all so different this time round. She’d been so terrified before, unsure of herself, wanting someone to tell her that everything would be all right, desperate for Sebastian to be the man of her dreams, not the cold reality. She had no such illusions where Leo was concerned. He couldn’t offer her what she needed and she loved him too much to accept less.
Raising a child alone wouldn’t be easy, there were no guarantees, no certainties and all the lists in the world wouldn’t change that, but she was strong. She could do this. She had to.
And she had to start by taking control of her life, of her happiness.
Anna took a deep breath and stepped into the large sitting room. ‘Mama, Dad, have you got a moment?’
‘What is it, querida?’ Yet again her parents were sitting together. For a couple who had separated a decade ago and barely spoken since they were awfully cosy. If Anna had one brain cell to spare on them she would be consumed with curiosity.
‘I am going to make some changes, and I want to talk them over with you. Is now a good time?’ She felt a little guilty. They had all been working flat out for days and this hour, while the guests took their siesta, would be the last peace they would know for the next week—but that was why she needed to talk to them now. She couldn’t go into the next week without having some idea where she would be at the end of it.
‘Of course,’ her mother said. Professor Gray didn’t say anything, but Anna hadn’t really expected him to. He’d never been the curious type where his family were concerned. Sometimes she had been desperate for him to ask, just once, what was wrong.
‘Okay, then.’ She curled up on the padded window seat next to them. How many times had she sat here, in the tiled private sitting room, the family’s only space on the entire island where they could just be themselves? It hadn’t changed since she was a child, the same flower pictures on the walls, the same wicker side tables, the same comfy seats, the same stove in the corner for the brief but chilly winter. This was as much her home as the large house in Oxford—more so. The house belonged to her father’s college and when he retired some other professor would move in, no matter that Anna and Rosa’s initials were carved into the apple tree trunk in the garden, that Anna had recovered from her heartbreak in the attic bedroom.
‘I need to make some changes in my life. I haven’t been happy for a long, long time. I see that now. I thought work, success, might change that, but the harder I work, the higher I climb, the less I feel like me. It’s as if the more lists I have, the more notes I take, the more control I think I have. But over the last few weeks I’ve realised I’ve been so busy chasing other people’s stories I’ve forgotten to look for my own. And I think my story is here, at least, at the moment. Mama, I’d like to stay here, and help you run La Isla Marina. How do you feel about that?’ Anna held her breath as identical shocked expressions crossed her parents’ faces.
Explanations could come later.
Professor Gray broke the silence first. ‘What about your teaching? Your work? The offer from Harvard?’ Anna looked keenly at her father. She hadn’t realised he knew about the offer. Did he know she’d turned it down before—and why? ‘You’re doing so well, your book was so well-received, why throw it all away?’
‘I stayed in academia, in Oxford, for you, not for me,’ Anna admitted, the truth in her words bitter on her tongue. ‘After Mama left you were so sad.’ She shot a quick look at her mother, and flinched at the raw pain on Sancia’s face. ‘I just wanted to make you proud. Then I was so worried about you I couldn’t bring myself to move out. I know, you’re a grown man, you’re the parent, Rosa and Mama told me that all the time. I think I just needed to be wanted, wanted to be needed. I like teaching, I like researching, but I’m only twenty-eight. The thought of doing nothing else for the next forty years fills me with fear, not anticipation. The truth is if I really wanted Harvard nothing would keep me away.’
‘Is this just more of the same, querida?’ Sancia asked, her dark eyes fastened on Anna’s face. ‘You think I need you to look after me now?’
‘I did,’ Anna admitted. ‘Things were in a bad way here, and, I admit, I’m a little concerned that you’re not coping.’ She searched her mother’s face in turn looking for clues. She should have asked what had happened earlier, not stormed in and taken over. ‘But my original plan was to talk to you about selling, or bringing in a manager. I wouldn’t even consider moving here if I didn’t truly want to. I’ll still write. Not the book I intended to. I’m thinking about writing about the island, the people who have lived here, how its fortunes have waxed and waned along with Spain’s, a social history of Spain seen through La Isla Marina. We’ll be independent, Mama, have our own tasks. Our own quarters. But only if you want me...’
Suddenly she was a child again, desperate to know she mattered, that she was wanted. Sancia’s eyes softened. ‘Of course I want you, querida. More than you could know.’ Her voice broke on those words, and Anna’s father took her hand. ‘I haven’t been much of a mother to you recently, have I? You just seemed so capable, Anna. You were always so much more in control than me. Things were difficult back then and I didn’t feel like you needed me any more. That you could look after your father and Rosa so much better than I ever did.’
‘I’ll always need you, Mama.’ Anna’s voice broke as she felt the tears thick in her throat, burning her eyes. ‘I needed you then, I need you now. Things were so hard and you weren’t there.’
She’d never make the same mistakes, she vowed as her mother enfolded her in her arms, and for once Anna allowed her mother to bear her weight, to comfort her. She would always be there for her child, no matter what. Never let pride, or unhappiness or a misunderstanding drive them apart.
Sancia released her and wiped her eyes. ‘I would love you to live here with me, to
help me run La Isla Marina, querida, but only if you’re sure this is what you want. Take your time, Anna. Go back to Oxford after the wedding and make sure you’re doing what’s right for you—and if so, we’ll look at turning some of the unused rooms into an apartment for you.’ Anna could tell her mother was teeming with unasked questions, about Leo, about what had really brought about this change in direction and she was glad her mother decided not to ask them just yet—although she knew Sancia wouldn’t be able to keep silent for long.
In one way her decision had everything to do with Leo, and with the baby she was carrying. The baby she couldn’t bring herself to mention to her parents, not just yet, not until after the wedding, until Leo had sailed away. But it went deeper than that. She liked the Anna she was here, even if she had messed up. She liked waking up to the smell of citrus and salt, she liked how every day was different, brought its own challenges and successes. She liked how her organisational skills were honed and used. She belonged here; she always had. It had just taken a couple of wrong turns to get here. And she couldn’t imagine anywhere better to raise her baby.
‘That sounds sensible.’ Anna did her best to keep the surprise from her voice; she wasn’t used to hearing sense from her mother. ‘But the decision feels right. I won’t change my mind.’
Getting to her feet, she leaned over to give both her parents a kiss, ignoring Rosa’s quizzical look as she entered the room, a checklist in her hand. How long since they had all been together—and relatively amicably at that? The tension between Rosa and Anna had considerably lessened since the trip to the pharmacy. In fact Rosa had turned into somewhat of a confidante, never judging, always supportive. Maybe they’d never be best friends; they didn’t need to be. They were sisters and they had a long-lasting bond no matter how different they were—and Rosa had promised to be an awesome aunt. Anna believed her.
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