‘It all looks very cosy in here. Everything all right?’ Rosa asked, looking directly at Anna. She knew of Anna’s decision to wait until after the wedding to tell their parents about her pregnancy and was being, for Rosa, incredibly discreet. Probably because she seemed to be spending most of her time with Jude. Anna hadn’t quite got to the bottom of what was going on there. All she knew was that they had dated a few years ago and for one reason or another it had fizzled out. They didn’t look particularly fizzled right now—in fact the air practically sizzled whenever they were in the same space.
‘Everything’s good,’ Anna said. ‘I was just discussing the possibility of staying on the island. After all, it’s never been one person’s job to run it before.’
Rosa’s eyes widened, a hundred questions clearly jostling for attention while she tried—and failed—to choose one. ‘But... Oxford... Book... Dad... Here?’
‘Quite,’ Anna said enigmatically. ‘Did you put the volleyball net up, Rosa? Don’t worry, I’ll go. I could do with some fresh air.’ And she slipped out of the room aware her whole family were staring after her. She’d taken the first step towards deciding her future. All she had to do was let Leo know what she had decided. She couldn’t avoid him for ever and she had to tell him how she felt. She knew it wouldn’t change anything, she knew he had offered her all that he had, but she owed the truth to her baby—and she owed it to herself.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THE MID-AFTERNOON SUN was fierce, and Anna envied the guests, all sleeping off their lunch in the cool air-conditioned bungalows. ‘Hats,’ she muttered. She needed sun hats, a much bigger summer wardrobe if she really was planning to live here. Far fewer sensible pairs of trousers, more shorts. Vest tops and trainers instead of blouses and heels. The more she thought about it, the more sense her decision made on every level. Not least because she was itching to get started on her new book, to excavate all the island’s secrets. She hadn’t felt this fizz about her work since Joanna had been published. She’d missed it.
The beach games were to be played on the wide sea-facing beach on the far side of the island. Cricket, volleyball, boules and beach croquet had all been set up; the rules of at least three of the activities would be a mystery to most of the mainly Spanish and American guests. Anna walked briskly along the path with a new sense of ownership, of purpose. Every hour she put in here was an investment in her future, in her child’s future. Hopefully. Her hands curled into fists; she knew all too well not to take anything for granted.
What was surprising her was how optimistic she was about the future. About the choices she was making. Of course she wanted things to be different, wanted Leo involved—wanted Leo—but she was strong. She had a family who weren’t perfect, but who she now knew would support her, each in their own way.
‘Hola.’
Anna jumped. She’d been so wrapped in her thoughts she hadn’t even sensed Leo, let alone seen him. ‘Hi.’
He fell into step beside her and they walked in silence. Funny, even when she had been actively hostile she had had things to say to him, any silences comfortable. Now, when there was so much to discuss, she didn’t know where to begin. ‘Todd seems nice.’ Great, start with inanities.
‘He is. He’ll look after Valentina. Anna...’
Anna’s heart stuttered as he said her name, that slow, languorous drawing out of syllables she loved. Her name, so prosaic, so boring, always sounded exotic when he said it.
‘We need to discuss our situation. Marrying me may not be what either of us want, but it’s the sensible thing to do. The right thing.’
‘Leo...’ How she wanted to tell him yes. To marry him, and hope that time would thaw him, that her love would be enough for the both of them. But she was too old and too wise to believe that was true. She couldn’t do it to any of them; she had to be strong for all their sakes. ‘I can’t.’
He nodded, curtly, as if he had expected nothing less. ‘In that case then I wanted to tell you that I will be leaving tomorrow. After the wedding.’
‘Tomorrow? But the wedding is so late...’
‘After the dinner, and the speeches. Before midnight.’
‘Like Cinderella,’ and she cringed at the startled look he gave her. ‘I’m staying,’ she blurted out, her throat swelling with the realisation that this really was it. He was leaving. Just as he had always said he would. She wasn’t enough for him. The truth was nobody was. ‘On the island. I’m going to help Mama run everything and write from here. Look for the story, not the most impressive display of research.’
‘You’ll need a new notebook.’ Leo’s smile didn’t go anywhere near his eyes.
‘Several.’
‘Here.’ He handed her a card. Anna turned it over, trying to make sense of the type. An email address—not his—a number. ‘This is the best way to contact me, through my business manager. If you need anything, get in touch. I’ll arrange for a monthly allowance...’
‘I don’t need your money.’ The words came out more harshly than she intended and as he flinched she felt a moment of victory. ‘Please. You can still be involved, even if we’re not married.’
‘I don’t know how, Anna. I need some time.’
Anna stopped and turned to him, raising her hand to cup his cheek one last time, closing her eyes as she felt the rasp of his skin against hers, breathed in the scent of him. ‘You do know how, if you’d just let yourself feel. You’re so much more than you allow yourself to be, Leo. I think you’ve been playing a part so long you’ve forgotten who you really are. The sad truth is, the only person you have ended up hurting is yourself, even if you don’t see it.’
She dropped her hand, instantly aching to touch him again. ‘The sad truth is...’ she repeated, taking a deep breath, knowing she would regret not saying the next words, even if they scared her. ‘I like who I am with you. Like who you are with me. I think we’re good together. You challenged me, made me step back from my path and take a look around, re-evaluate who I was and what I wanted. And I think you were real with me, you were honest. Which is why you’re running. Because that scares you. Honestly? It scares me too. I didn’t expect this, didn’t want it, but here we are.’
‘You seem to be forgetting,’ he drawled, ‘that you are the one who turned me down. I offered to marry you, Anna. You said no.’ The shutters were up now. He was the bland playboy of the photos, not the pirate who had captured her heart, not the confidant who made her think and challenge herself. Anger flared up; this was her life he was messing with now, her happiness he spurned.
‘I don’t need marriage, Leo. All I need is your heart. Because you have mine. I love you, Leo.’ A flare of something she couldn’t read in the dark eyes at her words—anger, passion? Before she could get a handle on the heat it faded and he was back to bland. She pressed on. ‘I know that wasn’t the deal, wasn’t what you wanted, but I couldn’t help it. I’m in love with you, Leo. Not with your father’s title, or the playboy, or the money, or the looks. With the man who spent a month fixing up an island for his sister. With the man who refuses to play his family’s games. With the man who puts integrity before an easy life. With the man who listens to me. With the man who makes me feel beautiful.’
‘You are beautiful,’ he said hoarsely.
Anna stood there, knowing her heart was in her eyes, on her face, knowing she had nothing else to say, to give, hoping it was enough. And for one moment she thought it might be, her heart speeding up as Leo took her hand in his, only to drop it and step away. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said and then he was gone, leaving her alone on the path.
* * *
‘There you are, mi hermano.’ Leo hadn’t even realised that he had ended up at Valentina’s door until she stood before him, worry etched on her picture-perfect face. ‘Do you know I have barely seen you over the last three days? I was hoping we could spend some time before the wedding together.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Lately he seemed to spend a lot of time apologising to women he had let down. ‘I’ve been busy.’ Looking at his sister, he frowned. She was dressed in a bright orange bikini top and white shorts, her hair twisted up in a complicated braid. He recalled the extensive itinerary which Anna—his heart stuttered, of course it was Anna—had ensured each guest had copies of. ‘You’re off to the beach games? It’s a bad time. I’ll let you get on...’
‘No, Leo.’ Valentina caught his hand. ‘I’m not playing. I know it’s silly superstition, but I don’t want Todd to see me before the wedding...’
‘You might have thought about that before choosing to get married on a small island where you’re never less than fifteen minutes from each other.’
‘True, which is why I’ve arranged for Todd to spend tomorrow on a boat trip. By the time he gets back I’ll be getting ready in here, so we’ll be quite safe. It’s just tonight, and I don’t mind missing the games, especially if it means we get the chance to catch up. You’ve not been yourself, Leo.’
Of course she’d noticed. She was wasted on modelling. His little sister would make a great detective.
‘I’m fine.’
‘Hmm?’ Valentina raised her eyebrows at him. ‘Come in, sit down. There’s some bottled water, want some?’ She waited until he was safely sitting on the sofa, a cold drink by his side, before pouncing. ‘You’ve been avoiding the pretty manageress.’
‘Anna? I’m not avoiding her. It’s just complicated.’
‘How? You like this girl, Leo! I’ve seen you with her. You’re like a different man. No masks, no pretending...’
Each word hit home. He had been a different man this last month. A happier man. But happiness didn’t last. ‘She’s pregnant, Val.’
His sister stilled. ‘What?’ and to Leo’s horror her eyes filled, one large tear rolling—in the most photogenic way—down her face. ‘Leo,’ she breathed, reaching for his hands and clutching them. ‘That is wonderful. Our children will be cousins, will be friends. They will grow up with family around them, not like us, huh? Better than us.’
‘It’s very early, Val, don’t tell anyone.’
‘No, no, of course. Oh, but, Leo. This is what I have prayed for. I am so happy and now you have happiness too.’
The only way Leo managed to get through every long second was by staying numb. It was something he had a lot of practice in, he’d learned long ago to school his face, his very thoughts, but Valentina’s sheer delight in his news tore through his defences. ‘We’re not together, Anna and I.’ The words were wrenched from him.
‘You’re having a child together. What else do you need?’ The certainty in Valentina’s voice would almost be comical in any other situation. There was the grit that had helped her rise to the top of her profession.
‘Val, I asked her to marry me and she said no.’ Saying the words allowed hurt in in a way he had never imagined possible. But then Anna had just poured her heart out to him. Had given him her heart and he had done nothing. He deserved the pain.
‘She turned you down? Why?’
‘I’m not enough. Not to be a father, or a long-term father. Anna deserves better, she deserves more. I don’t know how to love her. To love anyone.’ To his shame his voice cracked as he said the words. She did deserve more, but how he wished he were the man to provide it.
Taking his hand in hers, Valentina sat next to him, leaning in, giving him her warmth and support. Leo had always been the big brother, the one who took care of her, proud to hand over his pay checks to help with rent; when had his little sister got old enough to start taking care of him? ‘Mama always said you were the saddest child she’d ever known. She said leaving you broke her heart. She’d never known a child who stood so stiffly when she cuddled him before. She was so happy when you came back into her life. Our lives.
‘Leo, you gave up university and got a job to help pay our rent. I know you spent that first year working on a building site until your investments paid off because of us. You looked after me when I was a child. You were the one who held me when Mama died. You were the person I needed to give Todd his seal of approval. You are the person I want by my side tomorrow. My child is so lucky to have you as an uncle, and that baby Anna is carrying is lucky to have you as a dad—and me as an aunt,’ she added with a cheeky grin. ‘The only person who doesn’t believe in you is you. How does she make you feel? In here?’ She tapped his chest, right over his heart.
‘She makes me feel...’ Anna’s words came back to him with devastating clarity. All I need is your heart. Because you have mine. Was that what they had been doing? Exchanging hearts during those long, hot nights? Those intense conversations? That baring of souls?
Leo closed his eyes and all he could see was Anna. Anna standing there with that notebook in her hands, blue eyes blazing as she ordered him off the island. Anna dirty and hot, paint all over her shorts, determined to make sure every single inch of the bungalow she painted was perfect. Anna glowing as she told him once again how misunderstood Joanna the Mad was. Anna icier than he imagined possible confronting his parents. Anna, hair tumbling over her shoulders, wrapped in a sheet. Anna supine on the sundeck of his boat in nothing but a tiny bikini and an inviting smile.
He liked every single Anna, wanted every single Anna. Wanted to possess her, protect her, make her laugh, tease her, provoke her, seduce her. Was that love? How did a person know?
‘Leo? Do you love her?’
‘How can you bear it, Valentina? Putting your trust in one person? Your heart?’ The words were torn from him.
‘How can I bear not to?’ she said simply. ‘Leo, I would much, much rather give it my all and let it all go horribly wrong than never try. There’s no guarantees. I was luckier than you, I know that. We had no money, but I always knew I was wanted, knew I was loved. And if I lose all this...’ her expansive gesture took in all the trappings of success littering the sitting area: the deceptively simple cashmere cardigan, the flip-flops and beach bag that cost more than a second-hand car, the luxury hand lotion on the table, the huge diamond glittering on her hand ‘...I can cope. I know how to work. But I can’t live without love. I don’t want to. So tomorrow I put my faith, my trust in Todd. I wish you could have the same faith, mi hermano.’
Leo stayed with Valentina for the rest of the evening. She’d arranged for a simple salad to be delivered to her bungalow, and the two ate, sharing stories of Assumptia as they did so. ‘I wish she had met Todd,’ Valentina said wistfully. ‘Wish she was here to celebrate tomorrow, wish she could meet the baby. But I know she would be so happy you are here by my side, Leo. And I know she would want you to take a leap of faith. To believe in love, to believe you are worthy of love. Because you are, more than you know.’
Leo kissed his sister goodnight, promising to be back in the morning, and set off down the lantern-lit path towards the dock and his boat. He had sailed it to the mainland for cleaning and restocking just a few days before, but if he was setting off with no known destination tomorrow then he needed to give it a quick check-over. But as he reached the dock he found himself rooted to the jetty, unable to climb into the small dinghy. This would be the last time he would sail over to his boat knowing he would be returning to the island, to Anna. Tomorrow he wouldn’t simply fasten the dinghy to the boat, but would stow it and when he pressed the throttle it would be to sail away for ever.
Staring out at the moon-kissed waves, Leo didn’t feel the usual sense of freedom, of adventure. Did he really think his absence was better for Anna and for the baby? That a loveless marriage of convenience was the only other answer? Or was he just too afraid to put his heart on the line? He who was so contemptuous of his father’s fear of public dishonour was just as afraid himself. Not of being publicly humiliated, but of being found wanting. Far easier to steer clear of intimacy than risk rejection.
Truth was, he hadn’t intended to lea
ve quite so soon, hadn’t intended to break things off with Anna. Not yet. Not until fear had precipitated his decision. If there were no baby then he would be looking forward to tomorrow, to dancing with her, steering her into a secluded corner, sweeping her away from the festivities and back to the boat. Thoughts of her consumed him—would those thoughts disappear with the miles or would she continue to haunt him?
And there was a baby. Right now just a vulnerable bunch of cells, but a bunch of cells that would divide and grow into a child. Would it have Anna’s blue eyes or his own brown ones? What would it think of him? Would it resent him for not being there? Despise him for being a coward? Ironic, he’d spent his childhood desperate for his father’s love and approval. Valentina had just wanted a father to acknowledge her. Did Leo really think that throwing money Anna’s way would make him a better man? He of all people should know that money solved nothing.
He’d told Anna that she was the bravest person he knew. Anna who used her notebooks and lists as a shield. Anna who had been hurt by her family, but who had the courage to love them regardless, to keep trying, keep loving. Anna who had been so scarred by her last pregnancy yet who faced this new one with resilience and with hope. Anna who loved him, who believed in him, who wanted nothing from him except what she was prepared to give in exchange. Anna who was stronger than he could ever be.
Did he love Anna? And if so did he have the courage to be vulnerable before her, with her? All Leo knew was that he couldn’t carry on this way. Couldn’t be this lonely and survive. Something had to give before he broke and the only person he wanted, the only person he needed was right here on La Isla Marina. If he was brave enough to find her. Brave enough to let her in. Brave enough to love.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
IT WAS A perfect evening, as if Valentina had ordered the weather along with the tiny cakes, the piñatas hanging from the tree, the tasteful wedding favours. Not a cloud marred the pristine blue sky, the late spring sun warm rather than scorching. The day had been manic with last-minute wedding preparations, checking in the hundred-plus guests who’d arrived that day, and taking care of the myriad tiny problems that popped up, from a blocked shower to a loose tile, the wrong brand of herbal infusions to forgotten toiletries. It was all going to be worth it though. Most of the guests, on Valentina’s side anyway, were young, beautiful and had thousands of social-media followers. The island had been photographed hundreds of times—the trees, the fairy lights, the boats, the beach, the bathrooms. No detail was apparently too small for a filter and a fitting hashtag: #valwedding #spanishheaven and the ubiquitous #blessed. They wouldn’t have been able to buy that kind of publicity with an unlimited budget and a crack PR team.
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