by T L Swan
He gives me a sad smile and sits silently, watching me. I can tell he wants to say something but is holding his tongue. He’s leaving me, I know it. He just doesn’t know how to tell me. He and Mum have become good friends and I know they talk about me. I can hear them late at night when they think I am asleep. He’s worried about me … I’m worried about me. I need to snap out of this … shitty time I’m having.
We get out of the car and walk quietly up the stairs.
“Tash, take your phone out of your bag, honey,” he whispers as we get to my door.
I frown at him.
“Do it,” he whispers. I do as he asks.
“I will stand right here ok. You call me if you need me. I’ll be right at the door.”
I frown at him as I open the door and step back in shock. Joshua is standing front and centre in my lounge room. His haunted eyes meet mine. My eyes immediately fill with tears and I close the door silently behind me.
Dear god … he’s so beautiful. A wave of affection rolls over me. Why? Why has he come? I can’t take this, I’m not strong enough.
He is wearing his three-piece navy suit, his armour from the outside world. His dark hair and skin are in contrast to his white shirt. His hands are in his pockets. I stand still, rooted to the spot.
“Natasha,” he whispers.
Instantly my lip quivers and my tears fall onto my cheeks. He rushes me and grabs me into an embrace, where I fall against his chest.
We stand still and silent. His arms around me and my arms straight at my sides. I sob out loud. I want to stay in his arms … I can’t say goodbye. I’m not strong enough, I can’t do this. He kisses my temple. “Tash … I’ve missed you.”
The lump in my throat forms and I can’t speak. I want to tell him I’ve missed him too, but I can’t. I need to be strong for the both of us. I need to set him free so he can be with Amelie … I know he loves her. He just doesn’t realise it yet and he won’t, until I release him. He kisses my face again, his eyes close in reverence. I need to do this, I need to get it over with.
I pull out of his embrace and fold my arms in front of me in defence. He bites his bottom lip as he thinks.
“Natasha, let me explain. I need to tell you what happened that night,” he whispers. I want to scream at him to get out but I need to hear this.
I nod nervously.
“Tash, I was … so sad. I didn’t think you were coming back to me. Cameron and Adrian had sat me down that day and told me I needed to snap out of it and they didn’t think you were coming back either.” He shakes his head in regret as his eyes fill with tears. “I went to Willowvale. I hadn’t been there since I came back to America. I wanted to see Jasper.”
I stand still as I picture what he is telling me, my face expressionless.
He swallows again. “I had dinner with Amelie and a few glasses of wine.”
He shakes his head too quickly. “I finished up and went to my room. I had a shower and I had come out of the bathroom with a towel around me.”
My eyes close in pain.
He frowns as he relives the memory. “Amelie was in my room, and she had a robe on.”
I hold my hand up in a stop signal. I can’t hear this.
“Tash … I don’t know what happened. One minute I was sitting on the bed, the next thing she was on top of me.”
I slam my hands over my ears. Stop it … stop it … stop it.
“Tash, I promise you. As soon as I realised what was happening I pushed her off me. I told her I was in love with you.”
I stand still with my hands over my ears and yet I can hear every sordid detail he is explaining to me in IMAX.
The caustic tears burn my face as they roll down my cheeks.
“Natasha, I swear to you. It was just once and it went for one minute. There was no emotion. She lied to hurt you … which in turn hurts me.”
My head drops as I think.
“I was furious with her. I trusted her and she … she forced herself onto me. Tash … please,” he whispers.
I can’t talk. If I say anything, I know I will take him back. I love him just too much.
“Natasha … please talk to me.”
I shake my head.
“I had a massive fight with Amelie. I was so mad at her. I got dressed and got the hell out of there. Then I went home. I was so disgusted with myself, I watched the movies of the two of us together all weekend and then I took drugs like a fucking idiot.
I had no idea you were coming back and yet I was still mortified at what I had done.”
My eyes hold his, but I hold my tongue. Don’t say anything … don’t say anything.
“Tash. Please,” he whispers again.
I turn and walk to the bathroom and close the door behind me. I get my phone from my back pocket and I text Cameron.
Get the hell over here.
I try to calm myself for a minute and then I flush the toilet, wash my hands and re-enter the room.
He rushes me again and holds me tight in an embrace. “Precious, I swear. I love you more than anything. We can get over this. We can go to counselling, whatever it takes. We are stronger than this. We love each other too much. We have been through too much.”
I sob out loud onto his chest. How do women do this? How do they find the strength to walk away from someone they love so desperately?
“Speak to me,” he asks.
I stay silent.
“Tash, please. Speak to me.”
I shake my head into his chest. If I say anything … it will be I love you, I need you. He holds me silently in his arms, and for a long time, we say nothing.
A knock sounds at the door. His head snaps to the direction of the door.
“Come in,” I yell.
He frowns at me. “Natasha … no,” he whispers as I close my eyes in pain.
Cameron opens the door. His eyes find Joshua.
“Cameron, get the fuck out of here!” Joshua yells.
I start to cry. “Max,” I sob. He and Ben walk to the door, and their haunted eyes meet mine.
“Can you please show Joshua out?”
“No! Natasha no.” His eyes snap back to the two bodyguards. “Get the fuck out of here or you are both fucking fired!” He screams.
I’m close to being hysterical. I sob loudly.
Cameron turns to the boys solemnly. “Give us a minute,” he whispers.
They both look to me for approval. I nod silently. They turn and close the door behind them.
“Natasha … speak to me. Please,” he sobs. “What’s wrong with you? Say something.” The tears run freely down his face.
“We are stronger than this … Please listen to me … I’m begging. You told me you loved me unconditionally. Prove it. Please. I need you to forgive me.”
The sight of my beautiful powerful man in tears is catastrophic. I sob out loud. My eyes flick to Cameron who is standing with his hands in his pockets looking down at the ground. He lifts his tear-filled eyes to meet mine. Oh god, Cameron’s in tears too. I can’t imagine witnessing someone I love go through this. I drop my head.
“Natasha. I love you. FUCKING SAY SOMETHING,” he screams.
I sob again.
“Goodbye Joshua,” I whisper as pain slices my heart wide open.
He shakes his head frantically. “No … no, no don’t say that. You don’t mean that,” he cries as he dives for me. I jump to escape him.
“I love you … you can’t do this to us. We are stronger than this Tash.”
I sob as I hold my hands up to him in defence. I can no longer handle this torture, I need to get away. He tries to grab me again and I run for the door. Joshua dives for me and Cameron steps in front of him and holds him back.
“Cameron … let me go. Please,” he sobs as he breaks into full-blown tears.
I run out the door as I hear him screaming my name. Max is hot on my heels, we run down the stairs and burst out the front door and I collapse from the sheer grief of this situation. Max
picks me up and carries me in his arms and loads me into the car where I fall into the seat.
The car trip to my mum’s is made in complete silence … complete grief.
Today was the worst day of my life.
Chapter 9
The call of the kookaburra echoes through the still street outside as my eyes slowly open. I look to the window and see the faint red glow of the sunset peek through the closed blinds. Jeez, I feel like shit. I rub my eyes as I try to focus. I slowly look around. I’m in my darkened childhood bedroom. The door is ajar and I can faintly hear the television from the lounge room.
“It’s ok love, I’m here.”
My eyes flick to my mother who I now see sitting in the corner in my armchair reading a book by the lamp.
“Hi Mum.” I smile weakly. She walks over and sits next to me on the side of the bed and brushes the hair back from my forehead as she leans to kiss me on the cheek.
“You ok, baby?” she asks.
I nod. “Yes,” I whisper.
“Tash …you’re scaring me.” Her eyes search mine.
I nod as my eyes fill with tears. “What time is it?”
“It’s 7 pm on Sunday night.”
I frown. “Sunday. What do you mean? What happened to Saturday?”
“On Friday when you came back here … you were so upset, hysterical. Your headache progressed and you started to vomit so we called the doctor. He gave you a sedative again.”
I frown as I take in the information. “Tash, talk to me. Tell me what’s in your head,” she whispers as she starts to push the hair back from my forehead again. I shrug. “Scoot over, let me in.” She smiles.
I smile and shimmy over. I love it when Mum gets into bed with me. Some things never get old. I roll over and she cuddles my back and kisses my shoulder from behind.
“Is Joshua ok?” I whisper.
She shrugs. “I’m not sure baby. Bridget and Abbie have gone over to see him tonight.” My heart drops, I want to go and see him.
She kisses the side of my face. “Explain to me Tash. I don’t understand, why can’t you forget this last few months and start fresh?”
“Mum, it’s complicated.”
“Please Tash, I’m worried sick over you. I need to know what’s going on in that brain of yours. If I understand why you feel like this I might be able to help you honey, you need to talk to someone. And if you won’t talk to Joshua, talk to me.”
I shrug as I look at the ceiling.
“Natasha,” she whispers, “please.”
‘I love Joshua, Mum, you know that.”
“Why won’t you talk this through with him? Anything can be worked out, Tash, but you need to talk to him. Cutting him out is not the answer,” she sighs.
“Mum, I can’t talk to him. If I talk to him, I will forgive him and I am not strong enough yet to do that.”
She lies silent behind me. I can hear her thinking. “Why are you not strong enough to go back to him?” she whispers.
“I can’t explain it, Mum. I don’t know if it’s the fact that Dad has died or my own mind playing tricks on me.”
“What do you mean?”
I swallow as I contemplate whether to tell her or not. “Since Dad’s death I have been having horrible nightmares about Joshua being murdered in front of me.”
“What!” she whispers.
I nod. “I have them at least four times a week and I know it’s the reason I have been having these migraine headaches. I’m so stressed about going to sleep that I am wound up all the time.
“Tash, why haven’t you told me this?”
“Mum,” I start to silently cry, “haven’t I worried you enough? I killed your husband for Pete’s sake. I blame myself for your grief, for all our grief and I can’t forgive myself. No matter how hard I try. I’m so terrified that I am going to lose Joshua to death that I dream about it, it’s not normal. I have been seeing a psychologist at work and she feels that I need to get stronger before I can give myself totally to someone who I don’t trust.”
“Natasha, that’s enough. I won’t have you saying that you killed your father. It was a terrible accident, he had an undiagnosed heart problem and it was just bad timing that it happened when it did.”
“I know,” I whisper unconvinced.
“Do you think you can’t trust Joshua?”
I shake my head. “Mum, Joshua loves me. I know that, but on some level he also loves Amelie and I don’t blame him for that. She’s beautiful and sweet and they have a connection. If he had slept with someone else I would have been upset but I would have understood. I know I left him, but I was grief stricken. If he had been honest and told me that he slept with her before he slept with me, I maybe would have been able to handle it better. He thought I would never have found out and he was just going to lie to me forever. I was in the same room with her and she knew he hadn’t told me that he had slept with her just three days before. I’m ashamed to be so stupid. I thought I would have been able to tell if he was hiding something and I didn’t have a frigging clue. I was totally blindsided,” I whisper in a rush.
“Tash, I don’t think he would be here if he wanted Amelie.”
I nod my head. “Yes he would, Mum, he feels obligated to make me happy.”
She frowns. “Why do you keep saying that? It doesn’t make sense.”
I stay silent as I think. “I never told you this before but I have never slept with anyone else but Joshua.”
She frowns. “What about Christopher?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Tash baby.” She pulls me into an embrace and cuddles me tightly. “Is that why you think Joshua wants to be with you, because he owes you?”
I nod as I cry into her chest.
“Tash, tell me what you want to do. How can I help you through this? I don’t know what to do,” she sighs empathetically.
I wipe my tears away. “I want to let Joshua go and hopefully, in time he will decide that it is me that he loves and he will come back for me and we will live happily ever after. If I go with him now I will never know if, given the chance, he would have married Amelie.”
“Tash …you might lose him. This could backfire,” she whispers.
I nod. “I know, but if I do he wasn’t mine in the first place … was he?”
“What will you do?” she asks.
I give her a sad smile. “Try to work on myself. Stop being so insecure, stop having nightmares. Mum if I go with Joshua now, I am just so insecure we will break up in two months anyway. I don’t like who I have turned into and in all honesty if I go with him and he does decide he wants her … I don’t think I would survive it. I’m so weak.”
She holds me tight. “Don’t say that love, I don’t like you speaking like that.”
“I am only doing this so that Joshua and I can have a real hope of a future together. I need to know that our love is real and not just a teenage tragic love story that ends in divorce in two years.”
“Can you tell Joshua this? When you put it like this, it makes sense Natasha. Make him understand why you are doing this,” she pleads.
Tears fall again. “I can’t Mum, he needs to think that he is free to go to her if that is what he wants. If he knows I still want him, he’s not really free is he?” I sob.
“Oh baby. Why are you such a deep thinker? Why are you sacrificing your happiness for his?” she whispers into my hair.
I break into sobs. “Because I fear that is what he is doing for me and I love him too deeply to let him do it.”
“Tash … he doesn’t understand why you are doing this. He thinks this is about him sleeping with Amelie.”
I nod. “I know—it’s not. That was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
She kisses my forehead and brushes my hair back again.
“Do you believe in fate Mum?” I question.
She nods as her eyes well with tears. “Yes,” she whispers.
“Me too. If Joshua is the man I am mea
nt to be with, then we will eventually work it out. I just pray to god that he comes back to me and I learn to trust him and build some faith in myself,” I whisper.
“Natasha … my beautiful brave girl. If he has any brains in that pretty head of his … he will never let you go.” She smiles sadly as she kisses my forehead.
I nod my head. “I need him to let me go. Every time I have to hurt him I die a little inside. I’m not wired to hurt him, I can’t physically do it.”
“Tash, I still think you should talk to him. Arrange to meet up in twelve months, and tell him you love him.”
A weight of sadness sits heavily on my shoulders. “No. And don’t tell a soul about this conversation. At this point I can’t even trust the girls because I know they will tell Joshua or Cameron and then he won’t go. I’m setting him free. I want an unencumbered future with him, one where I am strong and confident and know for certain that he is with me for the woman I am now and not the girl he fell in love with seven years ago.”
Max walks up the hall and stands in the semi-lit doorway. “You finally wake up sleepyhead?” He smirks.
I smile broadly. “What? Did you miss me or something?” I tease.
He tutts. “Yeah, like a hole in the head.” He winks, turns and walks back up the hall. “Promise me something, Tash.” I nod.
“If Joshua turns up here you will be honest with him.”
My stomach drops. “He won’t. I know he won’t. He would be beyond mortified that his staff and brother saw him in tears the other day. His pride will keep him away.” I sigh sadly.
“Does that bother you?” she asks.
I shrug my shoulders as I contemplate her question. “That’s Joshua, he’s a proud man. He won’t beg again, I know that. His upset will turn to anger soon and he will return to LA.” My eyes tear up at the painful thought.
“Please go to him, Tash,” Mum whispers.
I shake my head. “We just talked about this. I told you what I am doing. I am not giving up on us. I am just putting it on the backburner for a while.”
She shakes her head. “You are going to lose him,” she sighs