by T L Swan
I pull my eyes away from hers in anger. “Like I said, if I do, he was never mine to start with.”
It’s Wednesday, 2.00 pm, and I am sitting in my office staring at my computer monitor trying desperately to rein in my grief. Thirty-two emails from Joshua just today and each day that number has risen. On the first day I got one with the subject Joshua, when I clicked on it I realised he had a read receipt on it so I couldn’t open it. I’m dying to know what he is trying to say—is he hurting as much as I am? Each day since then though the pattern has changed. He has started speaking to me through the subject line:
Natasha listen to me.
I am sorry.
It meant nothing.
You’re overreacting.
Speak to me.
Say something!!!!
I love you. Please.
I smirk as I read the subjects of today’s email in bold print. Can’t hold a good temper down for long, that’s my man. I’m glad he’s angry. It means he’s close to leaving Australia. He won’t put up with being ignored for too much longer. It’s not in his nature. I know he’s too proud to come over here and beg or make me listen. He probably would though if there wasn’t security everywhere. I now have four men trailing me at all times. It’s totally ridiculous. His irate email headings read:
Fucking speak to me.
You left me. Remember.
Sorry I am not as perfect as you.
You are going to regret this.
Speak to me or I will never forgive you.
Your last words to me were, I never want to see…
I fucking mean it.
You owe me to listen.
Ring me. Now!!!!
“Oh baby, just go.” I whisper as my heart fills with hurt. I link my hands on top of my head and sit back in my chair. I blow out a deep breath of regret as I go over the words Speak to me or I will never forgive you. What if he really never forgives me and I lose him … forever. Would we make it if I went with him? I know I’m not good girlfriend material at the moment. I’m just too insecure and that trait doesn’t sit well with me. He deserves someone stronger and in the life that he leads insecurity would poison anything beautiful we ever had between us. No. Sacrifice now for payment later. I have made the right decision. If we are meant to be it will work out in the end and if not … who knows and who cares for that matter? A life alone with ten cats sounds good at the moment. I’m so sick of my head being filled with all this pressure. I’m twenty-five. I should be tarting around town without a care in the world … like Abbie. Not suffering terrifying nightmares and migraine headaches not to mention the inability to eat or sleep. I don’t need this shit in my life. It’s just not worth it. I’ve been summoned to Oscars tonight by the girls. They had dinner again last night with the boys so I know I am going to get a lecture. They have been blissfully silent up until this point and not wanting to upset me but that will all end tonight.
I walk sheepishly into Oscar’s with Max at eight-fifteen. I have been staying with my mother but tonight I am going to go home after this. I need to get back to some normality. I see the girls sitting in our regular seats and smile and wave on my way over to them. I flop into the large leather chair and Max goes and sits in the corner on the other side of the café at a table and pulls out his iPad to start reading his book.
“Hi.” I smile.
The girls smile and exchange glances. “We’ve ordered for you.” Bridget smiles.
I nod. “Thanks, can we have cake?”
“Umm, yeah. Cameron is just getting us some.” Abbie winces.
My eyes snap to the counter where, sure enough, I see Cameron picking out cake.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I snap.
“Tash, Cameron is our friend too. He’s done nothing wrong. Why can’t you talk to him?”
I screw up my face. “You two are totally fucked. How dare you ask him here without telling me? What—is Joshua hiding in the toilet?” My eyes fly around the restaurant.
“No, he wouldn’t come. We asked him.”
“God, I’m off you two. You’re unbelievable,” I whisper angrily.
Cameron rejoins the table. “Tash.” He nods.
I smile slightly at him. He’s furious with me for hurting his brother. I can feel the animosity from here. This is a disaster. I glare at my two friends who are openly uncomfortable. The waitress brings over the coffee and cake.
“Thank you,” I whisper as she passes me the cake. I take a massive slurp of my coffee, anything so I don’t have to talk. I gasp in pain. Shit, I burnt my tongue. What in the hell temperature is this, 200 fucking degrees? Everybody watches me silently as they drink their coffee. Awkward.
“So when are you going back to LA, Cam?” Abbie asks.
“Sunday, I go back to work on Monday,” he answers flatly.
Everybody nods and takes another drink of their coffee in silence. God I’m furious.
“How are you Natasha?” Cameron asks.
I swallow the lump in my throat. “I’ve been better,” I reply flatly.
He nods but stays silent, his eyes locked on mine. I’m not taking your shit either. Bring it on, I feel like fighting with you asshole.
“Where is Adrian?” I ask
“Back in the hotel with Joshua.”
I nod and take another sip of my gazillion-degree coffee. Why did I ask that?
“Did Nicholas Anastas ever ring him? He hassled me for his number and I never heard anything,” I splutter through my burnt tongue.
Cameron shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. “Yeah, he came over for dinner at Joshua’s last week.”
My eyes widen and I smile. “Oh my god, really. How did it go?”
“Great, they totally hit it off. The UST was ridiculous. Josh and I were worried we were going to be forced to watch gay porn when they finally got it on, but it didn’t happen.”
My face falls. “What? Not even a kiss?”
He shakes his head. “Nope.”
“Why not?” Bridget asks.
Cameron shakes his head. “No idea, they had a great night laughing and talking and then Murph walked him out at the end of the night and came back ten minutes later to announce to us that he isn’t interested, something about living too far away from each other.” He shrugs as he takes a sip of his coffee. “I don’t know what’s going on in anyone’s head at the moment, everyone’s fucked up.” His gaze comes back to me in insinuation.
I narrow my eyes. “Cameron, why don’t you just come out with it?” I reply sarcastically.
“Out with what?” he snaps.
“Oh I don’t know, maybe Joshua for one.”
“I just don’t see why you can’t talk to him. Listen to what he has to say.”
I roll my eyes. “You know what Cameron? The time for talking was in the hospital before he slept with me. Before he lied to me.”
“Tash,” he stammers.
I cut him off. “Don’t you dare Tash me! I sat in that hospital room with a woman who he was sleeping with five metres away and you all knew it. You were all keeping his sordid little secret for him. You all make me sick.”
“I make you sick,” he snaps.
I raise my eyebrows as I take another sip of my coffee. “Yes, you do actually.”
He sits forward in anger and Bridget pipes up. “Let’s calm down, shall we?”
“Well, you make me sick,” he snaps. “You are the one that broke up with him and broke his fucking heart and then he fucks up once and you dump him again. What the hell is that?”
Abbie puts her hands on her head in a panic.
Steam starts to pour from my ears. “Fucking up Cameron is forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning, forgetting an anniversary or maybe forgetting to pick the kids up from soccer practice. Putting your dick inside another woman is a bit more than fucking up asshole!” I sneer as my anger hits crescendo.
“Sssshhh,” Bridget snaps as she looks around the room to see if anyone can hear us.
“You sshh Bridget. How did you think this conversation was going to go? You all are taking his side and blaming me for this. I did nothing wrong, I demand honesty because that’s what I give and I damn well deserve better,” I stammer.
They all sit silent, their eyes planted firmly on me. “Tash, we are not taking his side. This is not a cut-and-dried case,” Bridget whispers.
“I know that.” I lean back on the chair and put my hands over my face in frustration.
“Tash, he hadn’t heard from you in over two months,” Bridget whispers.
“Because I was devastated. I had just killed my father. Cameron, you were there with me, you saw how I was when you would visit. Was I really in my sound mind?” I demand.
He drops his head. “No,” he whispers. “You didn’t kill him Natasha.”
“I know you all love Joshua and you are trying to help. I love Joshua, I will always love Joshua but he doesn’t love me the way I need to be loved.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Cameron snaps.
“I tell you what love is, Cameron. I went out with a man for two and a half years who loved me and I could not bring myself to physically have sex with him,” I whisper.
His silent eyes watch me as he drinks his coffee.
“You want to know why?”
“Enlighten me,” he sneers as he raises an eyebrow.
“Because I was still in love with Joshua. I stupidly felt that my body belonged to him and I could never betray him like that. Seven years. Seven fucking years Cameron I watched him sleep with every woman in the United States and still I couldn’t even sleep with my own boyfriend,” I snap.
“That’s not his fault. That was your decision,” he asserts.
“Precisely, just like this is my decision. I don’t want the life Joshua is offering. The women, the partying, the coke friends. It’s all bullshit, I don’t want any part of it.”
“Joshua can’t help his past. That’s not what he wants now.” Cameron shakes his head in frustration.
“For now, Cameron, that’s not what he wants for now. You know when I was a little girl I dreamt of a man that loved me Cameron. Never once in my dream did my hero say to me, sorry I slept with that other women … it was an accident. The sex meant nothing. Sex does mean something to me and if I’m unforgiving to someone who gives it away so easily then that is my decision and I expect you all to support me as your friend and not just Joshua. You have no idea the suffering I am going through and for you all to sit there and judge me and call me cold breaks my heart.” My eyes tear up.
Bridget puts her arm around me. “Tash, we don’t think you’re cold. We are just trying to understand.”
I stand as I try to hold in my tears. “Then I want you all to understand this. Tell Joshua I want him to go home to Amelie. She wants the money and the lifestyle … she can have it. I want nothing to do with it. I want him to move on with his life without me.” I sob. “This is one of those sad cases in life where love simply isn’t enough. I don’t want his lifestyle or his money or those fucking horses. I just wanted him to love me … but he didn’t.” I sob again. “Joshua and I have different morals now and I can’t change that, I only wish that I could. I would give anything to be with him but he is better off with someone else who is more like him and will understand his infidelities. I’m not that girl and I never will be.” I stand and turn and shrug my shoulders. “Who knows? Perhaps in ten years when I’ve slept with half of Sydney and Joshua is onto his third wife maybe we will understand each other’s point of view, but at this point I don’t.” I stand and walk out of the café with Max hot on my heels. I walk out of the front door where once again those stupid tears fall down my face and Max tries to comfort me as we walk down the street to his car.
Darkness surrounds the car. It intermittently rocks as each car speeds past us on the busy street. I sit behind the wheel diagonally opposite Oscar’s café. We are waiting for Cameron who is having coffee with the girls. They don’t know we are here. My elbow is on the window and I swipe the side of my pointer back and forth over my lips as I think.
“What do you think they are talking about?” Adrian sighs from the passenger seat as he stretches and puts his feet onto the dash.
I shrug without answering.
“I know … I’ve got a plan.” He holds his hands up in karate style. “How about we just bowl over there and, like, kidnap her or something.” I look over at him and he smirks. “We could take her I reckon. I ‘ll handle Max and you take Tash.”
“Don’t tempt me,” I reply dryly as my eyes flick back to the café. “Don’t think I haven’t thought about it.”
I link my hands on the top of my head in impatience.
“Why don’t you just walk over there and just … I don’t know.” He shrugs. “Do something Hollywood.”
I roll my eyes. “Like what Einstein?”
“I don’t know. Drop to your knee and propose.”
I blow out a breath. “If I had some fucking privacy I probably would and besides this isn’t the time or place.”
He stays silent for a while. “Josh, this privacy thing. I know it’s driving you crazy but it will pass, as soon as they get them you can have your life back.” Adrian sighs.
“It will be too late then, she will be gone. Because we can’t have a fucking minute’s peace.”
Adrian rolls his eyes. “You’re being melodramatic now.”
“Am I?” I snap. “You should have seen me the other day Adrian, crying like a baby. Begging for her to listen to me. The guards would be in their element, loving this gossip.” I run my hands over my face in frustration.
“Josh, your staff love you. They are just as sad about this split as you are.”
I raise my eyebrows at him.
“Ok, that’s an overstatement. I mean they don’t like it either.” He shakes his head as he corrects himself.
“I just want a normal life without drama, without bodyguards. The money is not worth this shit. I have zero privacy, all I want to do is follow her around till she listens to me but I can’t because I might be photographed with her and then she will be a target for the sick fuck who is after me. You have no idea how frustrated I am,” I snap.
“Here she comes,” Adrian whispers.
We both sit up in silence as we watch Natasha and Max briskly exit the café. She’s crying, Max puts his hand around her shoulders and pulls her into him. They walk quickly down the street where he opens her door and she climbs into the car.
Jealousy rips through me as I grip the steering wheel with both hands and brute force.
“Fucking Max. I swear to god I am going to …”
“Stop it. You’re being crazy. This is Natasha. You know she’s not like that,” Adrian comforts.
“I know exactly what’s in that fucker’s head,” I growl.
“Bullshit,” he snaps. Their car pulls out and the two other cars of guards pull out after them. My heart rate speeds with anger.
“See—she’s gone again, and I could do nothing but sit in this car and watch her go.” I punch the steering wheel hard. Adrian jumps in his seat.
“Be careful. This is a bloody hire car you know.”
“Shut up,” I snap.
We sit in silence for another ten minutes and Cameron exits, walks over to the car and gets into the back seat. My eyes meet his in the rear-view mirror.
“Sorry mate, it didn’t go well,” he whispers. I drop my head into my hands. He passes his phone through the seat to Adrian. “I taped it.”
“Huh.”
“I taped the conversation on my phone. I had it sitting on the table in front of us.”
“Oh yes,” Adrian snaps. “Inspector Gadget strikes back.” He quickly scrolls through the phone and plays back the conversation.
“Hi,” Natasha whispers.
“We’ve ordered for you.”
“Thanks, can we have cake?”
My eyes meet Cameron’s again in the mirror and he links his ha
nds on top of his head as he listens.
“This is good shit Cam.” Adrian smiles as he bites his lip.
“Umm, yeah. Cameron is just getting us some.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Natasha snaps
“Tash, Cameron is our friend too. He’s done nothing wrong. Why can’t you talk to him?”
“You two are totally fucked. How dare you ask him here without telling me? What—is Joshua hiding in the toilet?”
“That’s a good idea. You so should have hidden in the toilet,” Adrian whispers as he raises his eyebrows.
“Sshh,” I snap. “I can’t fucking hear.”
“No, he wouldn’t come. We asked him.”
“God, I’m off you two. You’re unbelievable,” Natasha whispers angrily.
“Tash.” Cameron’s voice replays.
“Thank you,” she whispers.
“So when are you going back to LA, Cam?” Abbie asks.
“Sunday, I go back to work on Monday,” he answers flatly.
“How are you Natasha?” Cameron asks.
“I’ve been better. Where is Adrian?” she asks.
“Back in the hotel with Joshua.”
“Did Nicholas Anastas ever ring him? He hassled me for his number and I never heard anything.”
Adrian punches me at the mention of Nicholas’s name.
“Shut. Up.” I snap. “I can’t hear a thing.”
“Yeah, he came over for dinner at Joshua’s last week.”
“Oh my god, really. How did it go?” she replies.
“Great, they totally hit it off. The UST was ridiculous. Josh and I were worried we were going to be forced to watch gay porn when they finally got it on, but it didn’t happen.” Adrian glares at Cameron.
“What? Not even a kiss?” she asks.
“Nope.”
“Why not?” Bridget chimes in.
“No idea, they had a great night laughing and talking and then Murph walked him out at the end of the night and came back ten minutes later to announce to us that he isn’t interested, something about living too far away from each other. I don’t know what’s going on in anyone’s head at the moment, everyone’s fucked up,” Cameron says flatly.