Stanton Unconditional

by T L Swan

  He drops his head as he thinks.

  “Josh, I don’t want you to be here because you think that’s what I demand. I want to come home every night and know without a doubt that at around eight o’clock or whatever time it is I am going to hear your keys in the door. And you know why? Because you want to see me, you want me to be the last person you see every day. The first person you wake up to.” I shrug and gesture to the bathroom. “You know how I feel now. Take some time to think about it. I have your money—I haven’t spent a cent of it. Give me your account numbers so I can transfer it back. It’s not your money I wanted Joshua … I wanted you. I will see you around. I’m going to have a shower.”

  I stand and rush into the bathroom where I run the water as hot as I can stand it and get in. I stand under the scalding water and go back over the conversation. I think that actually came out pretty well. I have been practising that speech for months. It took all of my might not to scream at him in the restaurant and tell him to fuck off, but I know that if we are to have a future together I need to grow up. I want an adult relationship not a volatile teenage crush.

  After about fifteen minutes the bathroom door opens and he walks in. “Can I stay tonight?” he asks as he very carefully looks at my face and not my body. “No sex,” he whispers as he continues to look at my face.

  I smirk and nod and turn my back on him, and he leaves the room.

  I smile to myself and wash my legs. I wonder what the night will bring. No sex, this should be interesting.

  Chapter 17

  Shit, now I have done it. I feel like a mother who is punishing a child and then wants to renege on the punishment. How am I supposed to sleep with that beautiful man all night and not have sex. Who am I kidding? Once again, this isn’t punishment for him. I’m punishing my stupid self. I take my time finishing up and drying myself and I leave the bathroom with a towel around my chest. I walk back into the kitchen and flick on the jug. Joshua’s eyes follow me across the room. He throws his arm across the back of the lounge and ticks his jaw and cracks his neck as his eyes drop down my body. I swallow a golfball lump in my throat.

  I remind myself, short-term pain … long-term gain. Short-term pain… long-term gain. What a stupid saying—who thinks up this shit? Probably some superhero workout idiot at 5 am in the morning. I’m in short-term pain alright—my ovaries are about to escape my body and crash tackle him on the lounge. I shake my head and continue to make my tea.

  “Do you want another?” I ask, without lifting my eyes from my teacup.

  He shakes his head again. “No thanks.” He bites his bottom lip and continues to watch the television. How odd, so he wants to stay but has said no sex and now he is watching television and is seemingly disinterested in talking to me. What’s my plan of attack? Hmm, ok, get dressed.

  I walk back into the bedroom and start ratting through my pyjamas drawer looking for a matching pair. Honestly, why am I such a dag? I really should own a decent pair of matching sexy pyjamas at my age. After much deliberation I decide on a white cotton nightgown. It’s either that or mismatched boy-leg shorts and a crop top … and they just don’t cut it in this I-need-to-be-sexy- without-trying environment. Mum bought this nightie a couple of years ago and in all honesty I have worn it a total of five times. It has a low round neck with shoestring straps and little white flowers embroidered around the bodice area. It is crisp white cotton and hangs just below my knees. Mental note to self, tomorrow buy some decent leisure wear. I spend a fortune on going out clothes, shoes and work clothes but I never buy anything to lounge around in … very stupid in this kind of situation. I pull my hair messily into a low knot bun and walk tentatively back into the lounge area.

  Joshua’s eyes snap straight to me and his eyes scan hungrily down my body. He cracks his neck gently as if trying not to. I smile on the inside. Bingo.

  “What are we watching?” I ask as I sink onto the lounge.

  He shrugs. “Not sure actually,” he says softly.

  I pick up my tea and take a sip as my eyes linger on the beautiful man sprawled out on my lounge. He’s wearing light blue super-faded fitted jeans and a navy blue v-neck t-shirt. His muscular forearms, that are raised above his head, are screaming at me at a deafening pitch and those bloody triceps … the mind boggles.

  His eyes lock on mine. “Where do you want me to sleep?”

  I swallow nervously and I shrug. “Where do you want to sleep?” I ask quietly.

  “With you,” he replies gently.

  Oh god, me too. I smile. “Ok, but I am not being your booty call remember.” I raise a brow.

  He smiles. “Maybe I can be yours.” His eyes penetrate mine and he’s giving me that come fuck me look he does so well.

  I bite my lip to stifle my smile. Yes, that’s exactly what I want, Joshua Stanton as my booty call. Be strong, Natasha, you can do this.

  “Shall we go to bed then?” I ask nervously.

  He smirks. “No, if I go to bed with you now, your feet are going to be around my ears in about seven minutes flat, especially in that little purity number you have going on.” He runs his tongue over his bottom lip as his eyes drop down my body.

  I smile again as I visualise him on top of me, my feet around his ears. Shit. I need sex.

  I nod and walk into my bedroom and retrieve the quilt from my bed and two pillows. I walk out and put them onto the lounge next to him.

  “We will watch television out here for a while then,” I smile.

  He frowns at me as I spread the quilt out and put the pillows up one end. I pull the covers back.

  “Are you cuddling my back?” I ask.

  He smirks. “I think I can do that.”

  I lie to the front of the lounge and lie on my side. “Get in behind me,” I say.

  “I thought you were never going to ask.” He smiles as he stands and pulls his jeans down. I instantly look away. If I see he’s aroused it’s all over. I am only human after all. He leaves his t-shirt and tight trunk underpants on and crawls in behind me. He puts his bottom arm under my head and his top arm around my waist and kisses my temple.

  “That’s better,” he whispers into my ear as goosebumps run over my body.

  I smile at the feeling of him wrapped around me and his lips on my temple. This is more than better. This is heaven. I start to relax and listen to his regular breathing.

  I hold my hand up and he takes it gently in his and we lie together in silence watching a stupid show on Ice Truckers.

  After a heavenly comfortable silence of about half an hour, Joshua kisses my temple again and I smile into him.

  “Josh,” I whisper.

  “Mmm,” he answers sleepily.

  “If I could be anywhere in the world tonight, doing anything I wanted …”

  “Mmm,” he answers.

  “I would want to be here with you, doing just this.”

  I feel him smile behind me. “Really?” he replies.

  “Really,” I smile. He kisses my temple again.

  “You can be quite endearing when you want to be, Miss Marx, and very easily pleased,” he whispers.

  I smile again and turn my face so he kisses my cheek. “You can shut up and look pretty now,” I whisper. I feel him smile behind me as he kisses my temple again.

  “Goodnight Josh,” I smile.

  “Goodnight Tash,” he whispers.

  I struggle to break free. The sound of Joshua groaning as they hit him echoes through the dark wet tunnel. Three men are holding him while three others are taking turns in hitting him.

  “Stop it. You’re going to fucking kill him. Please let him go,” I sob out loud … ”Please, what do you want?” They start to kick him and I scream. “NO! You are going to kill him! Please stop it.” I sob while I fight the two men holding me as I try desperately to break free. They throw me onto the ground and one of them kicks me in the stomach. I scream in pain and I hear Joshua go crazy again as he tries to break free.

  “Let her go,” he scr
eams. “Kill me … just let her go. It’s me you want.”

  They pick up a metal bar and hit him across the face.

  “Nooooooooo!” I scream.

  “We are not letting her go. Who will we take turns in fucking with her gone? There are nine of us to please, you know.”

  Joshua goes crazy. “I’ll fucking kill you when I get free,” he screams. “I swear to god if you touch her, you gutless pricks, you’re fucking dead.”

  I look to the corner where Ben’s dead body is slumped in the corner.

  I close my eyes, the pain too much to bear. They continually hit him until he slips into unconsciousness.

  Dear god, no!

  One of them hits me hard across the face and I fall to the ground. They gather around and one of them unzips his pants.

  “Joshua!” I scream. “No!” I struggle again as I try to break free. “Joshua!” I scream.

  I am shaken awake. “Tash … baby, I’m here. It’s ok.”

  My terrified eyes flick around the room as I sob and shake in fear. It was just a nightmare.

  Joshua pulls me into an embrace. “You’re safe, it’s ok,” he whispers. “Jesus. What were you dreaming about?”

  I sob into his chest as he cuddles me, and my eyes flick around the room again. We are in my lounge room. My body shakes with fear, and perspiration dampens my skin. My chest racks with sobs, why am I still having this horrible nightmare? What does it mean?

  “Tash, talk to me. What were you dreaming about?” he whispers into the top of my head as he holds me tightly.

  I sob again. “The one where they kill you and rape me,” I whisper.

  He frowns. “The same dream you had in the hospital?”

  I nod and start to wipe the tears from my face.

  “How often do you have this dream?” he asks, horrified.

  I shrug. “At least twice a week,” I whisper.

  He frowns again. “What? You are this scared at least twice a week on your own, in the middle of the night?”

  I nod as I drop my head in shame. “I feel like I am going crazy,” I whisper.

  “Tash.” He pulls me back down to lie with him. “It’s ok. I’m not going to die and no one is going to rape you … no one, except me maybe.” He smiles as he kisses my forehead again.

  I snuggle into his chest as my heartbeat starts to slow down. His t-shirt is wet from my tears. He idly starts to run his fingers through my hair as he thinks.

  “When did these nightmares start?” he asks.

  “Two days after Dad died,” I reply sadly.

  “It’s not true, Tash. It’s just a dream. Nobody is going to get you. You are safe.”

  I nod. “Josh, you are not safe—that crazy man is after you. What if it’s a premonition? What if they do get us? What if it’s Dad trying to send me a message through my dream?”

  He tutts in sympathy. “Stop thinking like that. We have so much security around us no one can touch us.”

  I nod and kiss his chest in a thankful gesture.

  “What do you do to calm yourself when you are alone?” he asks.

  I shrug, embarrassed.

  “Huh?” he asks as he kisses my forehead again.

  “I take a hot shower,” I whisper.

  “Come on then, up you get.” He pushes me up from his chest and onto my feet. “Shower time.”

  I get up slowly, walk to the bathroom and hear him open my linen press in the hall and get me out a towel. I turn the hot water on and wait for it to heat up.

  He walks into the bathroom and over to me. I’m embarrassed. I feel like a little kid freaking out over a stupid dream. He slowly pulls my nightdress over my head, as his eyes don’t leave mine. His hands run down my legs as he removes my panties, and he gently kisses my stomach on the way back up my body.

  He opens the glass door to the shower and ushers me in. I stand under the hot water and feel myself start to relax. Why is hot water therapy so damn effective I lean on the wall … my habit when trying to relax. Then I feel the door open and turn to see a naked Joshua getting in with me. My eyes drop down the length of his body… to his tattoo. My name branding his perfect body. I grab him in an affectionate embrace, unable to help myself.

  “Turn around, presh, and let me wash your back,” he whispers into the top of my head.

  I smile broadly up at him.

  He frowns. “What?”

  “You called me presh,” I whisper.

  He smirks. “Did I?”

  I nod and smile again as I turn away from him. His hands slowly rub soap all over my back and he washes me in deep massaging strokes, his hands rubbing deep into the muscles over the tops of my shoulders. Down my arms, back up over my shoulders. My eyes close at the contact. Hmm, this feels so good. He gently kisses the side of my ear and I smile into him.

  “Thank you,” I whisper.

  He stills. “For what?”

  “For being here and looking after me. It means a lot.”

  He turns me and kisses me gently on the lips. “Do you want to know a secret?” he asks.

  I nod and smile.

  “I don’t want to be anywhere else either,” he whispers.

  Our eyes meet and my heart melts. I love this man.

  I pull his face down to meet mine and I kiss him. My open lips linger over his and my tongue slowly invites him in. We kiss again, more deeply, more passionately, and I feel his erection grow up against my stomach. His hands move to hold my face and he kisses me urgently. My hands drop down his body to his hips and back up to the backs of his shoulders. His strength and the power of his body starts to take me to a place where I lose all coherent thought.

  I pull back from him. “Let me wash you,” I whisper.

  His tongue runs over his bottom lip as his gaze holds mine. I turn him away from me and start to soap up his back. I swallow in awe—Joshua’s body is perfect, never have I seen such a perfect male specimen. I can see every muscle in his back, his buttocks are rock hard and, Abbie’s right, I could very well grate cheese on that stomach. He stands with his hands, above his head, resting on the top of the shower screen. My hands run freely over his back and I am starting to feel my pulse between my legs, hear my heartbeat in my ears. I bend and wash his legs, over his buttocks and then I turn him around to face me. Water is beading all over him and his eyes are on my lips. My eyes drop to the perfect muscle between his legs. Rock hard and ready for action as it lies up against his stomach. God, he’s so beautiful. I hold his eyes with mine as I re-soap my hands and drop my hands to between his legs. His breath catches as I take his lips in mine and stroke him upwards towards his face. He kisses me deeper and I stroke again, deeper this time, more urgent. He groans and takes hold of my face as his tongue takes possession of my mouth. My god, he’s so hot. I start to fist him deeply and he groans as he watches me, his mouth hanging slack as he breathes heavily. His eyes close and I really let him have it, my hand stroking him hard and long, my tongue diving deeper with want. His arms are wrapped around me protectively and the hot water runs over our backs. His eyes start to close and I know he’s close.

  He lurches forward and grabs hold of my behind. “Tash,” he whispers into my neck.

  I put the palm of my hand over the end of his shaft and pull him hard into it with my other hand, signifying hitting the inside end of me.

  “Tash,” he whispers as he lurches forward and I kiss him deeply again.

  “Come for me baby,” I whisper.

  His eyes roll back in his head and he groans from his stomach as he comes in a rush into my hand. I smile a triumphant smile into our kiss, that’s it, that’s it. I keep gently stroking him to empty him completely as he kisses me tenderly. He rests his head into the crook of my neck as he breathes heavily, and I can feel his heart beating hard in his chest.

  He lifts his head and looks at me and I smile. He kisses me again as he pushes the hair back from my face. His hands drop down my body. “Your turn,” he whispers.

  I shake my he
ad and pull back from his grip as I continue kissing him.

  “This isn’t about turns, Josh,” I murmur through the kisses.

  “What’s it about?” he frowns.

  “Love,” I smile as I kiss him again. “This is about love.”

  He smiles into my neck and cuddles me tightly.

  “Remind me to comfort you from your nightmares more often,” he murmurs into my neck.

  I laugh and shake my head as I open the shower door. “Get to bed, sex maniac.”

  He smiles and smacks me hard on the ass as he brushes past me. “You know it, baby.”

  Deja vu … Why, oh why, is it coming back to haunt me? I wish I was having it about Joshua telling me he loved me. But no, I am having it because I woke alone this morning. No note, no kiss, no goodbye. Just a memory of some intermittent tenderness last night … or did I dream that too? I am sitting in the cafeteria at the hospital where I work—it’s lunch time. My phone beeps a message and I look at the screen in hope. Jes—my heart drops.

  Hi Doc

  Can we have dinner tonight?

  I frown. I do not want to have dinner with you, Jes; I want to have dinner with Joshua. I type him a message.

  Sorry, I can’t.

  My gran is sick and I am tied up at the moment.

  I will call you in a few weeks.

  A reply bounces back.

  When?

  I miss you.

  I haven’t seen you for two weeks.

  My stomach drops—he shouldn’t be missing me. We are just friends. I smile and text him back.

  Ring up short and slutty Barbie.

  Take her for dinner.

  Unlike me, she will repay you with a head job.

  I smile as I imagine him reading it. A message bounces back.

  You drive a hard bargain.

  X

  Call me.

  I laugh and drink my coffee. He really is gorgeous. Jes and I have become friends and, unlike the relationship between Joshua and me, it is just so uncomplicated. I don’t care if he sleeps with anyone else, I don’t want to go out with him, but I have an underlying affection for him. It’s strange. I have never had it before with any other male. Either I wanted them or I didn’t, but with Jes it’s different. He makes me understand Abbie in a way I never have before. She has a deep affection for the men she dates but she is not in love with any of them, yet she cares for them and she has sex with them. Until I met Jesten I could never understand that, but now I think I do. He makes me laugh and he calls me every couple of days, either with a dirty joke or to arrange coffee or something and, if he doesn’t call me, I do notice it … but it doesn’t bother me, weird.