by T L Swan
He rolls his lips as his eyes flick to Natasha. “I will stay with her if you need to go out,” he replies.
“That won’t be necessary. I will be staying and looking after her. Thank you.” I can’t hide my annoyance that he knows more about my girl than I do.
He nods and leaves the room.
I sit on the chair in the corner of the room and watch silently as the doctor checks her over.
“Natasha dear, I am going to give you a sedative now. Do you want me to call someone to look after you?”
I stand. “I will be staying to care for her.”
Natasha holds out her shaky hand as she smiles weakly and I take it in mine. The doctor smiles at our interaction.
“This is a sedative that I am giving her and she will be out for around eighteen hours.”
I frown as I listen. “It’s ok, she has had this many times before. It is the only way we can get the migraine to stop. It’s quite common.”
I nod and watch the doctor give her an injection.
“Here is my card, call me if you need anything,” the doctor says and then she leaves us alone.
“Is your hand ok?” Natasha whispers.
A lump in my throat forms, here she is half dying and she is worried about a nick on my hand.
“Yes, sweetheart, I’m ok,” I lie down next to her and put my cheek to hers.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Don’t be stupid, it’s not your fault. I’m sorry you have to stay here with me,” she whispers.
I bend and kiss her forehead.
“Josh, I need to go to the bathroom.”
I nod, help her up and lead her to the bathroom and wait silently while she goes.
“Is your head ok?” I ask as I brush her hair back.
“I’m ok, you know me, the ultimate drama queen. Nothing in halves,” she smiles and I find myself returning her smile. I really do love this woman.
“Come on, back to bed.” I help her back up the hall and she changes clothes and slowly hops into bed. The clock reads 4.45 am. I lay next to her and hold her close as she drifts off into unconsciousness.
It’s 12 pm, Tash is fast asleep like an angel next to me in bed and I am on my laptop googling migraines and their treatment. Apparently she was having them every couple of weeks after her father died. Not as bad as this though, according to Max. The only time she had one this bad was when I came to her after we broke up and she turned me away. That one went for four days and they sedated her twice in a row. I needed sedating myself at that time. My eyes flick to the beautiful woman lying next to me. I wish I could just get over this shit and forget the past. I just can’t … I’m trying. I am so in love with her and it’s fucking with my head, scared to live with her, petrified to live without her. I can’t stand this hold she has over me. She rolls and I notice her pyjamas are slightly soiled, what’s that? My eyes widen. Shit, she has her period. My eyes dart around the room in a panic. I don’t know anything about this shit. Hang on, it’s early, it’s not due for another week, maybe she’s haemorrhaging.
I run to the lounge room to retrieve my phone and ring Cameron.
“Hey,” he answers.
“Cameron, you need to get over here immediately. Natasha is unconscious and haemorrhaging.”
“What the fuck?” he snaps.
“No, not like that. I mean she has a migraine and the doctor knocked her out and I am looking after her and now she is bleeding.”
“From where?” he snaps again.
I shake my head in frustration. “From you know where.”
“Where?”
“Where girls bleed from.”
“Oh Jesus,” he groans. “She has her period, Stan, that’s all.”
“What do I do?” I shriek.
“She will have some stuff in her bathroom. All girls do, just follow the directions on the pack.”
My eyes widen as I walk to the bathroom and start rattling through her cupboards and drawers.
“What does it look like?” I ask Cameron.
“What does what look like?” he snaps.
“Whatever this girl shit is!”
He laughs down the phone. “You’re such a dumb fuck. Do you want me to come over and sort her out?”
My eyes widen in horror. “No, I do not. I can look after my girlfriend just fine thank you.” He is not laying a finger on her.
“Whatever.” He sighs. “Call me if you need help.” He hangs up.
I rat through the cupboards and find one pad, no packet. Oh, this is just great.
I walk back to the wardrobe with the pad and start looking for more things. Surely she has more packets somewhere. I look through her handbags and find a few tampons. I hold one up to look at it and narrow my eyes … hmm. This is weird shit.
After cleaning Tash up, I go back to the wardrobe to start searching for more packets. How many will I need? Why isn’t she more organised? This is so typical Natasha. In the bottom of her wardrobe I find a couple of shoeboxes stacked on top of each other and I open the top one. I frown. It’s full of books. Small leatherbound books. I open one. It’s a diary. I rat through the other boxes, these are all diaries and she has kept every one. Twelve, there are twelve diaries here. My eyes widen at my find, but I have more pressing issues at the moment … like where do I get more pads? I am going to have to go to the shop myself. She wouldn’t want me to send my staff. Where do you even buy this stuff? I take out my phone and call Cameron again.
“Hey,” he answers.
“Where do I get this stuff?” I ask in a rush.
“Huh, what stuff?”
“Girl’s stuff you idiot, what do you think I mean?”
He laughs. “The pharmacy, fuckwit.”
I nod. “Hmm, makes sense. Right.” I hang up and call Max.
“Max, I have to go out for ten minutes. Can you come and sit in the lounge room and watch Tash for me?”
“Yeah sure, I will be right up.”
Fifteen minutes later I am in a pharmacy, walking up and down the aisles looking for the relevant section. My guards are waiting out the front on my instruction. I finally find what I am looking for and my eyes flick over the shelves, hmm. What size? I frown as I look at the large selection of tampons and I rub my chin: mini, regular, super … mini … she would be mini … she’s definitely not super. I grab a basket and ten packets of mini tampons. Now pads. My eyes flick over the packets, wings … wings … what the fuck is that? Night-time, what’s the difference between day and night? I frown and rub my head in frustration. Maternity, I thought women didn’t get their period when they are pregnant. Seriously I should have listened in school at those sex education classes. I end up grabbing one of each packet and head to the cashier with my hands and basket full.
There are two young girls on the counter and their eyes flick to each other as I unload my shopping basket. This is embarrassing.
The girl on the checkout smiles. “How many girlfriends do you have?”
I smile in embarrassment. “Just one.”
The both smile broadly at me and I squirm uncomfortably. “Overkill?” I smirk.
“Slightly,” says one of the girls. I smile in return and rub my forehead.
“That will be $192.00 thanks.” The checkout girl smiles.
Shit, this stuff is expensive. I nod nervously, pay and head back to the car with my five bags of supplies. Even checkout chicks are now putting shit on me, what next?
I walk into the apartment to find Max sitting on the lounge and I walk past him and carry the bags into the bedroom, Tash is still asleep. I bend and kiss her forehead softly and return to the lounge room.
“Thank you,” I nod to Max. “Did she wake up at all?”
He shakes his head. “No.”
I walk into the kitchen and flick the jug on. I would kill for a decent coffee right now.
“Can I talk to you?” Max asks.
I raise my eyebrows at him. “What is it?�
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“I just wanted to explain why I helped Natasha leave LA.”
I stare at him deadpan and raise my eyebrows.
“I couldn’t let her be alone in LA, she had no money and she was so vulnerable. I had watched her go through absolute hell since her father died.”
Fury erupts in my stomach. “And what do you think I had been through? I was in hospital for a drug overdose.”
“You slept with Amelie and she was distraught,” he replies.
I narrow my eyes at him. “I know what fucking happened,” I yell. “You can go,” I snap. “I’m not explaining myself to you. You have no idea what is going on between Natasha and me, so cut the bullshit!”
He stands. “Are you going to fire me?”
“If it wasn’t for Natasha you would have been out on your ass long before this and you know that.”
“I don’t want animosity between us. I want to stay guarding Natasha and I want us to get along,” he replies.
I roll my eyes and put my hands on my hips as my angry eyes meet his. “At this moment the only thing I am worried about is Natasha waking up. I want her to be safe from that psycho Coby Allender and if you do your job and keep her safe we will get along just fine. Other than that, I want nothing to do with you.”
He stands slowly.
“Loyalty is earned Max,” I snap.
He nods and drops his head.
“I appreciate you being loyal to Natasha, but let’s leave it at that,” I say flatly.
He nods and leaves the apartment silently.
I go back in to check on Tash. She is lying on her back with the blankets pulled up around her face. I smile—so perfect. I gently lie next to her and kiss her cheek.
“Are you ok, presh?” I whisper.
No reply.
It’s four o’clock. I have been lying next to Tash in my boxer shorts for most of the day watching television. My eyes constantly flick to her … over her. I’m worried she has a brain tumour. This migraine thing is not normal for a healthy woman. I have been looking after her feminine needs all day and the intimacy of the act is turning me inside out. I crave this level of attachment to her, from her. I notice the walk-in wardrobe light is on and I get up to turn it off. My eyes flick to the shoe boxes in the bottom of the wardrobe, her diaries. I walk over and pick up the boxes and go back and lie in bed. I open the first one: 2002, she was thirteen. I read a few pages and smile, adorable and so childlike.
I flick through the next few books. They are so candid. She talks about everything from school to being grounded. She thinks she’s a geek and complains about being too smart. I smile broadly. I rat back through the box and find the one I am after: 2006. I pause before I open it, should I do this? Do I want to know what’s in her head? I close it and put it back in the box. No … I don’t. I get up and make myself a protein shake and sit at the kitchen bench while I think. Maybe I will just read the first one, the one where she and I first made love. I go back to the bedroom with renewed vigour and open the diary. I flick through till I get to the date I am after.
28/12/2006
Dear Diary
We swam today all day. I’m missing Bridget. I spent the day with Joshua and I’m sunburnt. Joshua is trying to teach me how to surf. I don’t really want to learn but it means I can spend time with him. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh.
I smile, I remember that day.
31/12/2006
Dear Diary
I spent the day with Joshua again. Something is wrong with me. I am having bad thoughts about him. I sit here on my deck chair and he is opposite me as we all sit around the campfire. He is drinking hot chocolate. I want to move my chair next to him. I can’t stop thinking about him, I think I like him. He makes me feel butterflies in my stomach. It’s new year’s eve and all I want is for him to kiss me at 12 o’clock. He keeps looking at me and I don’t know if I’m imagining it. I think I am going crazy. He’s my cousin.
I smile and turn the page.
2/1/2006
Joshua has not talked to me all day. I think he knows that I like him. God, I’m such an idiot. I want to go home, I’m embarrassed. I miss Bridget. She would know what to do.
I remember that day, I was confused and purposely kept my distance. I turn the page.
3/1/2006
OMG big news. I asked Joshua when we were in the water at the beach why he wasn’t talking to me and he told me because he wanted to kiss me and he was having bad thoughts. I couldn’t help it. I smiled and he splashed me and then tried to drown me.
I smirk to myself—did I really try to drown her?
4/1/2006
At the beach today I was sunbaking and Joshua was lying next to me. He asked me why I smiled yesterday and I didn’t know what to say. I should have lied but I couldn’t. I told him that I have been having bad thoughts too. He held my hand as we sunbaked. I loved today.
I smile broadly. I remember all of this. It was exactly the same for me.
5/1/2006
Today was the best day of my life. Joshua and I spent the day surfing and then tonight when we were washing up with Cameron in the kitchen Joshua kept looking at me differently. The last couple of days he has started doing this cracking the neck thing when his eyes drop down my body. It’s fucking hot. What does it mean? Cameron went back to the others and Joshua grabbed my face and rubbed his thumb over my lips. He kissed me, just gently. He told me that he wanted to know how I tasted and that he couldn’t help it. I grabbed him and kissed him properly. Like tongue kissed … kissed. He backed away and told me to go to bed because he shouldn’t be doing this. I told him I think about him when I go to bed. He closed his eyes and told me to stop but then he kissed me again. It was the best kiss ever. He’s so beautiful.
6/1/2006
Joshua came to wake me up this morning, he came into my tent and told me he has been thinking about me all night and hadn’t slept. I couldn’t help it, I made him lie next to me and we kissed for over an hour. I have never felt so … happy. He makes me feel special.
My eyes flick to the perfect woman lying beside me and I put my hand on her leg. “That’s because you are special precious girl,” I whisper as I lean and kiss her again and inhale her scent.
6/1/2006
I’m being bad, I can’t help it. I asked Joshua to come to me tonight when everyone has gone to bed. He said no. I’m an idiot. I am forcing myself onto him. I will not embarrass myself tomorrow. I will stay away from Joshua if it kills me.
My face drops, is that how she felt … because that’s how I felt.
7/1/2006
Joshua came to me last night. I woke up and he was in bed with me. It was perfect and … he was hard. We made out all night. I have never felt like this. The clothes stayed on but I wanted them off. I wish I was more experienced so I knew how to please him.
I frown as I read the last line, is she kidding? She was my every fucking wet dream come true, hot, smart, beautiful … innocent. How could she have thought that she didn’t please me? I put the book to the side and lie down next to her. I shouldn’t be reading this but I can’t help myself. I lean over her and kiss her gently on the lips.
“Presh … wake up baby. I want to see if you are ok.”
No response. I pick the book back up and continue reading.
10/1/2006
I love him.
I love him and I can’t have him. We laugh all day and make out all night. He is perfect, my every dream.
My face drops.
14/1/2006
Things have turned physical between us. Last night we were both completely naked together. Joshua is so patient and gentle with me … he is teaching me how to orgasm. I love him so much, I need him in my life.
16/1/2006
He wore me down.
I couldn’t help it. Joshua has been trying to go down on me all week and I haven’t wanted him to. I’m embarrassed. Tonight he took over and wouldn’t listen to me. OMG. HE IS AMAZING. I took him in my mouth too bu
t he wouldn’t come in my mouth. He tasted perfect. I never thought sex would be as beautiful as this.
I smile broadly, this is exactly how I remember everything. I wouldn’t come in her mouth because I didn’t want her first head job to be traumatising. My face drops as I realise that thought. I loved her even then.
18/1/2006
I want it to be Joshua. I want to give my virginity to him so he will always know that I love him. I don’t know how to ask him, he may not want to sleep with his cousin. WHY ARE WE RELATED?
I close my eyes in pain, why are we related?
19/1/2006
Joshua and I made love last night. It was beautiful and it fucking hurt. I am no longer a virgin. I told him I loved him but he didn’t say it back … it hurt my feelings.
I put the book down and rub my face with both hands. I knew I fucking hurt her. I can still remember the feeling of her hanging on to me so tightly. Christ, why the fuck am I reading this shit? It’s messing with my head. She always tells me she loves me and I never fucking say it back. What’s wrong with me?
23/1/2006
Joshua and I cannot get enough of each other. We sneak away every chance we get. We can’t stop, I will never get enough of him. We are now making love at least four times a night, it doesn’t hurt any more … it feels good … amazing. I’m addicted to his touch … to his love. We only have two more weeks together. Joshua told me he has never been in love before but he thinks he loves me. I hope he does!
I smile and keep reading
23/1/2006
Joshua makes me laugh. We get each other’s jokes when no one else understands what we are talking about. Even without the sex he is my perfect man, tall, athletic, smart. He looks at me this way when he thinks I’m not watching and he cracks his neck. It’s the hottest thing I have ever seen … it means he is getting hard. Ready for me, my new favourite thing is going down on him. I love watching him come apart … so hot.