“Uh-huh,” Willow grins. “Maybe I should start clearing my schedule. Might have another wedding to plan soon.”
“Stop it,” I say, rolling my eyes. I can’t quite keep the smile off my lips, though, and the two of them give me a triumphant laugh.
“I always knew someone would come alone and bring Finn to his knees,” Jackson says, eyes flashing. “Didn’t I always say that, Willow?”
My heart warms, and my worries about Kit start melting away. Maybe he would be okay with Finn dating me. Maybe he’d be as accepting as Willow and Jackson.
I could even move to Woodvale! It’s time I move out of home, anyway. I could stay here over the winter and find a new doctor and support system. I could keep working at the shop in the summers and find an art school nearby. Dolores, the art shop lady, told me they had wonderful programs at Woodvale University. I could have a future. A life. A boyfriend.
As my new friends crowd around me and ask me a thousand and one details that I’m not willing to divulge, my heart grows in my chest.
It’s not just Finn that I’ve found here. It’s a whole community. Friends. Family. A job.
Maybe most of all, I’ve found hope, and a reason to live. Because all these years that I’ve fought the disease in my body, I haven’t quite known why. I’ve fought against death day and night, keeping my claws out and my teeth bared for everyone to see.
But as Finn peels back my layers, and my new friends soften me up, I can feel myself changing. It’s not just ticking a skydive off my non-existent bucket list that has given me a new will to live. It’s everyone in this town. It’s the promise of something more than living in my childhood bedroom with my mother hovering over me.
I’m alive. I’m well. Don’t I deserve to live well, too?
Jackson sits on the edge of the desk, leaning into me.
“Be honest,” he says, his voice low and conspiratorial. “How big is his cock?”
“Jackson!” Willow laughs, swatting his leg. Jackson cackles, his eyes twinkling.
I bite my lip, shaking my head. I’m not going to answer that, no matter how much Jackson prods. The two of them make me promise to meet them for a drink after work, and then they leave me alone in the shop. I lean back in my chair, letting out a sigh.
Whether we tell Kit or not, what’s happening between me and Finn is real, and everyone knows it.
26
Finn
After my phone call with Kit, there’s a strange mix of emotions swirling inside me. I care about Kit, obviously. He’s my oldest and best friend.
But I care about his sister, too. More than I ever thought I would. I could tell by the way she looked at me in the shop that she wants to wait to talk to him, but the words are burning my tongue. I want to tell Sweeney the truth. I have to…
…when the time is right. Which isn’t now. I need to tell him face-to-face, and take any criticism that he has for me like a man. If he wants to punch me, he can punch me. I’ll take whatever he sends my way.
When I get home, my father calls me, and I know he’s received the bank transfer I sent through this morning.
“Father,” I say as I answer the phone. “How nice of you to call.”
“I can see business is going well. Thank you for the money.” His voice is deep, and even though I’m a grown man, he still makes me feel like a child.
“We’ve expanded this year and been able to increase the number of jumps we’ve made. Next year we might even extend the season by a few weeks on either end. We’re getting more attention on social media, so everything is going well.”
I have a strong urge to tell him about Esme. When I broke up with my cheating, lying ex-girlfriend, my father was disappointed. We were the perfect law school duo—at the top of our class, headed for success, a perfect life ahead of us.
Until she cheated on me with a professor to get that so-called perfect life, leaving me in the depths of despair.
My father never knew the full story, because I refused to talk about her. He always brought her up, though, reminding me how perfect we were together.
But now, there’s someone more perfect. Someone actually perfect. Someone who makes me feel like a new man, who plugs all the leaks in my heart and makes me whole again.
Esme.
My father sighs on the other side of the line. “Good work, Finn.”
I almost choke. Did my father just say something nice? “I’m sorry, what was that?”
Nolan Gallagher, one of Seattle’s premier lawyers, is a hard man to please. A fact that I learned many times over the course of my life.
He chuckles. “Look, I know I’ve been hard on you. I didn’t approve of you dropping out of law school. I thought you’d end up working at my practice. I…” he sighs. “I guess I didn’t listen to you when you told me what you wanted. Starting this skydive business seemed so crazy. I didn’t think it would work.”
“But it did.”
“It did,” he agrees. “You’ve done well.”
“We have enough bookings for the rest of the season that I’ll be able to pay you back, and I’m expecting us to get at least fifty percent more people booked by the end of the summer. This is happening, Dad. This is what I want.”
“I know, Finn. And I’m proud of you.”
Is it pathetic that those words have a profound effect on me? Is it wrong that even as a grown man, I still crave my father’s approval?
Now that I’ve got it, it feels like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. My throat is tight and it’s hard to finish the conversation.
My father clears his throat. “Your mother and I have been talking, and once the loan is paid back, we’re willing to give you access to the trust fund. You’ve proven yourself worthy in a business that couldn’t have been easy.”
“Dad…” My throat is tight. It’s not even about the money—I don’t need his money. The business is going well enough to support me comfortably. What’s making me emotional is the fact that he wants to give it to me at all.
“You earned it, son. You proved me wrong.”
After the conversation is over, I stare at my phone. The first person I want to call right now is Esme. Not to tell her about the trust fund—I couldn’t give a fuck about the trust fund. A couple million will be a nice safety net, sure, but I’ve never been one to put much importance on safety nets.
I want to tell her about my father being proud of me. I want to share this feeling with Esme.
I stare at the cell phone in my hand, trying to make sense of my emotions. I want her here, beside me. Celebrating with me. Wrapping her arms around me and staring into my eyes with those bright, honey-brown eyes of hers.
Closing my eyes, I let out a sigh. I have to tell Sweeney about this soon, because there’s no way I’ll be able to hide it for long. Esme has burrowed her way deep into my soul. Carved herself on my heart. Imprinted herself on my marrow. There’s no getting her out.
When Esme knocks on the apartment door, her presence is like a breath of fresh air. She smiles at me, lifting up a bag of groceries.
“Picked some stuff up for dinner on the way over.”
Surprisingly, the gesture makes me smile. We’re domestic, and I love it. A few months ago, a girl dropping by my apartment with groceries would have made me run for the hills. It would have been a sure sign that things had gone too far, and it was time to cut her loose.
Now, it’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. Esme starts putting groceries away, keeping a few items out to cook dinner. She knows her way around my apartment almost intuitively.
She belongs here. With me.
When I tell her about my conversation with my father, her lips stretch into a smile. Wrapping her arms around me, she lays a kiss on my lips.
“I’m proud of you, Finn.”
“You and my dad, both, apparently.”
Esme laughs. As her eyes sparkle, I realize why I wanted to tell her about my conversation with my father. It’s because she cares. My success is her
success. Her fears are my fears. We’re united, our souls twisted into a complicated knot that’s only getting more intricate as the days pass.
The two of us are one.
As we spend the evening in my apartment being more domestic and normal than I ever thought I’d enjoy, I know that Esme has changed me. She’s reached deep into the bottom of my heart and cracked me open. She’s poured light into my darkness and shown me everything I’ve been missing.
As we finish washing up after dinner and settle on the couch, I don’t even care that the evening is so ordinary. So banal. So unexciting. I don’t need adrenaline when I’m with her. I wrap my arms around her and pull her close, letting her head rest in the crook of my neck as I let out a long sigh.
Esme pulls away, putting her hands on either side of my face. She stares deep into my eyes.
“When my brother gets back, we have to tell him about us. We’ll do it together.”
It’s not a question. I nod. “Okay.”
She gives me a soft smile before pressing her lips against mine. I wrap my arms around her and pull her close, knowing that she’s right. We have to tell Sweeney, even if he’s going through his own shit. Even if he’s in pain. Even if he’ll get mad and it’ll change my relationship with him forever.
We have to tell him, because the thought of living without Esme isn’t an option.
27
Esme
A week after Kit calls us from California, Finn glances across the breakfast table at me, a grin tugging at his lips.
“How about your second skydive this morning? I’d say it’s time for you to get back up there, no? We don’t have that many bookings today. I could take you up.”
My heart thumps as my stomach clenches hard. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the first skydive. It was thrilling and it brought me closer to Finn…but it still scares the crap out of me to think about doing it again.
The skydive was a shock to my system. I needed to do it just to prove to myself that I could. But now that I’ve done it, I don’t feel the need to get up there again. I don’t need adrenaline the way Finn does. It doesn’t attract me in the same way it does him.
As he stares at me expectantly, I wonder if that’ll be a problem. I’m more than happy staying on solid ground with a sketchbook in my hands. Finn, on the other hand, loves adrenaline. He craves excitement.
Will I be too boring for him? Once the shine of our new relationship wears off, will he get tired of me?
Even though I’ve grown over the past couple of months, I’m still plagued by fear. I still hesitate to do anything new. My heart thumps whenever I have to take a risk, even if it’s just jogging across an empty, quiet street where there’s no crosswalk.
But Finn stares at me with that wicked grin across his lips, and I know he doesn’t understand that. Not fully. I lift a shoulder up, turning back to the oatmeal in my bowl.
“I don’t know, Finn. I’m happy to keep my feet on the ground.”
“You loved the jump.”
“I know,” I answer. “But I loved it because it was my first time away from home. It was thrilling and exciting and new. I don’t need to do it every weekend.”
“Come on, Esme.” He nudges my foot under the table. “You’ll enjoy it.”
My heart thumps. My palms are already getting sweaty at the thought of that roller door opening and my feet hanging off the edge.
I let my spoon fall into my bowl and lift my hand to rub the back of my neck. Biting my lip, I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
Finn nods, giving me a smile. “Okay.”
I expect him to be disappointed.
But Finn doesn’t look upset. He winks at me and takes our dishes back to the sink. I watch his broad, strong back flex as he rinses them and puts them in the dishwasher. Settling back in my chair, I let out a relieved breath. Maybe he understands that I don’t want to do it. He gets that I’m not a risk-taker like him. He’ll let me be me, and won’t push me too far out of my comfort zone.
Finn glances at me, a hopeful look on his face. “How about a bit of mountain biking? There are some good trails just a half-hour drive from here. Remember I told you about the one with the lookout? I have a couple of bikes out back and enough gear for both of us. I’m sure we can find a bike that fits you.”
I snort, relenting. “Fine. You won’t just let me have a relaxing morning, will you? We have to do something exciting.”
“You’ll love it. I promise.”
Fear spikes inside me again, but I swallow it down.
Finn’s right. I need to start living again. It might not mean jumping out of planes, but I can’t just sit at home watching television all the time. Having a sketchbook on my lap is great, but maybe finding a middle ground will be a good thing. A bit of excitement could be just what I need.
I’m not sick anymore. The cancer is gone. I need to stop acting like I’ll snap in half if I go outside.
“Come on,” Finn says, laying a kiss on top of my head. “I’ll show you the gear I’ve got. We’ll get you a helmet and some wrist guards. The trails around here are great.”
“I haven’t ridden a bike since I was about fourteen years old.”
“You’ll be fine. It’s…just like riding a bike.” He laughs at his lame joke, and I can’t quite keep the smile off my own face. There’s something magnetic about the way Finn walks through life, unencumbered by fear or hesitation. It’s addictive being near him. He makes me feel invincible.
Following him downstairs, we pull out bikes and helmets and all kinds of gear that I didn’t even know he had. I even spot a paddleboard and a sea kayak laying against the storeroom wall.
“We can take those out next week,” he says, following my gaze.
Finally, for the first time all morning, I let myself smile for real. I nod. “That would be nice.”
And it’s the truth. I would like that. Even as I try one of Finn’s old bikes and watch him adjust it to fit me, excitement curls in the pit of my stomach. I’ll never have Finn’s lust for adrenaline. I’ll never make a living from jumping out of airplanes or illegally climbing to the top of radio towers—but that doesn’t mean I need to live like a hermit.
What if I could find a balance? What if we could both balance each other out?
When the bikes are loaded into the van, Finn has a big smile on his face. “You’re going to love it.”
I believe him. I slide into the passenger seat and put my hand on his thigh, excited to see where he’ll take me. Life with Finn is an adventure. I can calm him down so that the adventure includes solid ground, but he can push me to do something new—like mountain biking.
Yin and yang. Push and pull. Risk and safety.
Isn’t it better to have both?
We drive into the forest, where rolling hills are carved into the countryside. Finn parks the car near a signposted trailhead, unloading the bikes from the back of the van as I adjust my helmet over my head.
“Go slow,” I say. “I’m not as good as you are at this.”
“Don’t worry, Esme,” he says, checking the straps of my helmet and giving it a knock for good measure. “I’ll be right beside you. I’m not going anywhere.”
I smile, swinging my leg over the bike. Finn does the same, then gives me a slight nod. We head through the trees onto a bike trail, and my heart is immediately in my throat.
It’s bumpy. It’s narrow. It’s winding…
…but it’s fun.
The handlebars rattle between my fingers as I grip them more tightly. The trail goes up and down, and I bounce over tree roots and small rocks as we wind our way through the trees. Fear spikes, and adrenaline answers.
I laugh, screaming as I gain a little too much speed. Squeezing the brakes, I skid a little on the dirt trail before regaining control.
My breath is short and sharp. My heart pounds. My vision sharpens. Sweat gathers under my arms as I focus on the trail ahead.
“You okay?” Finn calls out ahead of me. He’s
standing on the pedals, looking back at me as he balances the bike, barely moving at all.
“I’m good!” I flash a smile at him. “Really good!”
“I knew you’d love it.” He lets out a whoop and starts pedaling again, gaining speed before a big uphill slope.
I follow, pumping my little legs as fast as they’ll go. My lungs burn. My muscles scream. Trees whip past me as my mountain bike flies along the trail, and I know that Finn was right to bring me here.
He knows what I need better than I do. He understands that my instinct is to hold back. Be safe. Stay inside. Of course that’s my instinct—it’s what I’ve had to do to get well. To fight the cancer. To be able to live again.
But that’s over now, and I need someone to show me how to grab life with both hands. I have to learn to wrap my arms around Finn and accept all the pleasure he has to give.
Including pleasure like this.
As I fly through the trees, I realize that I need to learn to be happy.
I pedal as hard as I can up the hill, breathing in fresh, forest air, and I know the answer. Learning to be happy will happen exactly like this. I choose to be happy by doing things I enjoy. By taking a risk and letting Finn lead me somewhere new. By setting my boundaries—no to a skydive, yes to mountain biking—and then doing. Acting. Enjoying.
When I reach the crest of the hill, euphoria flows through me like liquid fire. I can’t wipe the smile off my face. Finn waits for me at the top of the hill, his chest heaving with the effort of the climb. I come to a stop next to him, my eyes shining.
“Enjoy that?” he asks, handing me a bottle of water.
I nod. “Yeah. Thanks for bringing me out here.” I take a drink, gulping the water down. I let out a satisfied sigh, and Finn laughs.
“Taste good?”
I stare at the bottle, shaking my head. “Yeah! You know, I used to hate the taste of water. Chemo made everything bitter. But this…” I shake my head. “This tastes incredible.”
Can't Have You: A Stand-Alone Brother's Best Friend Romance Page 16